(Thank you!) Chapter 1 - Kosmo [Space Fantasy, 4,460 words]

[u/Civil-Dot4349]

Google doc version: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tFvBmAU6NZ7jjQV5ZjYdHj4ZuiNYiioFCCLXXRtwtig/edit?usp=sharing

Hello again everyone! About two weeks ago, I was feeling demotivated and made a post asking about how you guys keep on going despite knowing your work might be bad. I got a lot of very supportive and helpful comments, and I have since got into the rhythm of writing every day. I'd like to thank everyone that commented, as it motivated me to continue and now I even have my very own rough draft of a first chapter.

Now, I debated on whether or not to even share this here, as this is the first draft, and it's probably filled with errors, but I'd like to get feedback on it anyways.

This is the first book I've ever attempted to actually write, so be aware it's probably pretty bad. I'm very much open to critiques and suggestions, and I have no problem with harsh critiques

Here's the blurb:

On Vazarus, a neglected frontier world under the Lumineth empire, Praxis Kosmo has learned to survive by keeping his head down and his hands busy. Under the empire, everyone wears a mask. A young craftsman, he makes a living by taking commissions from dangerous people that operate within the slums. He has little interest in the causes they fight for so long as they pay well. But when one commission draws him into a conflict that threatens to upend the life he's carefully built, Praxis will have to decide how much he's willing to risk for a chance at something more.

Name: Kosmo (temporary, not finalized. this is intended to be a 7 book series)

Genre: Fantasy/Space Fantasy/Epic Fantasy/Adult Fantasy

Now, for those of you that actually take the time to read it, or at least some of it, I really appreciate it, and I've prepared a list of post-reading questions/points that you can answer if you'd like.

1. What was your overall impression of the chapter? What did you like most, and what worked least well for you?
2. At what point, if any, did you become interested in the story? Were there any points where you became bored, confused, or considered stopping? If you did stop before finishing, why?
3. What is your impression of Praxis? Does he feel believable and interesting enough to carry a novel?
4. How well did you understand the setting and the circumstances in which Praxis lives? Did the world feel distinctive and intriguing, or were there details that confused you?
5. What did you think of the writing style, descriptions, and dialogue? Did the chapter move at a good pace, or were there scenes you would shorten, expand, or remove?
6. Looking ahead: Based on this chapter, what do you think the larger story will be about? Would you read the next chapter? Why or why not?
7. I had initially intended to write an extra 1500 word fight sequence at the end of the chapter, but removed it as I thought the scene was dragging on too long. Do you think the chapter as it stands works as a first chapter, or something more interesting needs to be happening?

Once again, thank you all!

[u/iabyajyiv]

I hope you don't mind feedback from someone who's not yet a writer. I was wowed within the first few paragraphs of this chapter. It was beautiful. The next few paragraphs needed more sentence variety. There's a little too many sentences that begin with participial phrases. Unfortunately, I only have time to read the first page. I'll return and comment later if I have time. Also, I read the blurb and I love the idea of a world where everyone wears masks.

[u/Civil-Dot4349 → u/iabyajyiv]

Thank you! I'll take feedback from anyone, so it certainly doesn't bother me. And now that you mention it, I didn't even notice my overuse of participial phrases until now 😅. Will keep that in mind for the future, as now I can't unsee how much I've overdone it throughout the chapter

[u/InterestEqual3332]

1. Without the rest of the book it’s hard to say what matters here and what doesn’t. I think this chapter should be 1500 to 2000 words shorter but have the same plot. I hope the crows heavily influence the plot. As well, you spent several pages describing this bar. If we don’t come back here frequently, I’d cut that considerably.
2. I became much more interested when around page 7 or 8 when praxis gets man handled. I like how you kept his train of thought running with the “hey” from the guy, I’m here for it.
3. I don’t know that you really gave me much on Praxis. He’s kind of an enigma. He’s delivering a book, he wrote?
4. Praxis seems to live in some sort of trash heap underworld/under city type area of a larger city. The bar seems to be frequented by less savory people. We have some weird racism going on and there’s some obsession with crows.
5. Pace was very slow in the start, but picked up. I do think the dialogue was a bit hard to follow who was speaking and what they were talking about.
6. sounds like Klip has some sort of crew and wants him to either write books or steal books, I’m a bit confused on which.
7. is the fight relevant to the plot?

All in all, without the overall book and the plot I can’t tell what should be here and what shouldnt. My fear is this is the only scene in this pub and 70% of this chapter is just world building that won’t be used again.

All in all, as you continue to edit this, I can tell you have a way with words and are capable of good prose. I think brevity is going to be your challenge. I foresee you being one who posts on [r/writers](r/writers) is 160k words is too many for a debut novel. Which is funny to me, because I have the exact opposite problem. Your plot walks, mine sprints.

[u/Civil-Dot4349 → u/InterestEqual3332]

Thank you for the feedback. I guess the book wasn't super clear, I was deliberately trying to be vague about it to build suspense, but maybe that backfired. Basically, the book is blank, there's nothing on it. Klip commissioned it with the intention to write in it.

And it's funny that you say the bar is too much information for a place that probably won't be used again, because yeah, this is the only scene in the book I planned on having this bar in. All the extra details weren't planned initially. Originally it was intended to just be a generic bar but I got ahead of myself adding so many details. The crows being a fun detail I thought would characterize it more. Praxis and Klip are also the only named characters in this chapter that I planned on having reappear later.

On pace, Yeah I figured this would be the case. I sort of struggle with deciding which details to keep and which to cut. I figured a lot of the descriptive work would double as a way to characterize Praxis, but I think I inadvertently made it way longer than it had to be. I think I already cut like 1000 words of extra backstory surrounding the bar before posting this here 😆

On dialogue, I'm actually curious about what made you think it was hard to follow. I tried to cut down on the dialogue tags, but I guess my characters don't have unique enough voices, which is another thing I struggle with.

On the fight scene I cut, no, it wasn't super important to the plot, it was just intended to show how he thinks during a fight and show that he is someone that often gets into fights. Probably won't keep it.

And again, I appreciate the feedback. This was helpful, as now I'll try to consider what information is actually important for the rest of the story.

[u/InterestEqual3332 → u/Civil-Dot4349]

I myself have been writing for 3 or 4 hours and your post jumped out at me as I picked my phone up. The dialogue thing could just be my eyes being tired to be honest.

[u/Pale_Peak_892]

Hi, just some practical notes to think on:

1. A seven-book series even for an established author would be ambitious, let alone a debut author. Heck, even a trilogy for a debut is ambitious. From what I’ve heard from agents, it seems optimal in to write a standalone with series potential. I had this same issue and ended up cutting characters and bringing other characters forwards and overall, my book is so much better for it.
   
2. ⁠Reading the blurb, I think you need to make the wants and the stakes of the story more clear. Right now it seems a little too generic. The general ideas you presented remind me of the first Red Rising book so maybe have a look to see how that was done.

I don’t have time to fully read the chapter, but from a skim, it definitely has potential :) The first draft is the hardest so just keep going and the story will feel much more seamless with each draft. Good luck, and keep writing!

[u/Civil-Dot4349 → u/Pale_Peak_892]

Thank you! And I guess I forgot to make that clear, but yes this book was intended to work as a standalone. The blurb I sort of half-assed and wrote in like 5 minutes. Will keep that in mind whenever I get into the process of querying