Need Critique On Story Introduction (Dark Fantasy/Horror, 500 words)

[u/FigureRepulsive9783]

I'm just looking to see what could be improved on this small, introductory sequence; I'm not entirely sure what is possibly deterring or what could be improved.

● ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 1: How Demons Are Created.

ℂolorful explosions blasted through the chemistry room window, illuminating the hallways. The door was weirdly tall, so Agragul had to perch on his heels when he wanted to peek inside. To a human, his height was unnatural, and thanks to his shadow cast through the door, it made his thin presence very noticeable—at only twelve years old, many would mistake him for a man twice his age. Despite that age, he saw the complex combination of elements, results, and equipment for what they could be: weapons. All he did every day was brainstorm a concrete method of obtaining access and take revenge on Father—not to mention the dwarves—but the assholes inside didn't seem too keen to let that happen.

A frown formed on his face as they started yelling and cursing at him through the door—the four sharp, black, and long spider legs stemming from his back made him a perfect target for anybody in the mood. Dwarves were especially prevelant in the assault.

Dispirited, he leaves. As he exits the building, a dwarf calls after him.

"Stop coming here, six-legged bitch." Jacovi says.

Gravel crunching stopped. Agragul balled his fists and his eyes glared with a fury not many could replicate. In contrast to his pitch-black skin, his abberrant set of five eyes looked like the cunning stare of a crocodile. Jacovi, though five years older, was shaking in his boots. Fortunately for him—or maybe unfortunately—his facade did not wear off.

"Do you honestly think you scare me? You're just an accident—I mean, your whole... species is an accident. Just look at the way your jaw splits open; it's hideous." Saliva blobs trail down Agragul's face, overlapping with the blue and red skin trails underneath his eyelids. Jacovi smirks fakely.

Jacovi stood his ground bravely, anticipating a response he could tear into, scanning his features with disdain.

"Stop... saying that. You know me dislike." His spider legs swayed like trees in a nice, morning breeze.

Staring at the three, poison-green eyes below his blood-red eye and deep-blue eye, he went on, berating him more.

"Your threats are meaningless; you can hardly even speak English. You're just an insecure, lonely creature, and it's pretty reasonable." He chuckled curtly and leaned in, pushing Agragul even more. "Just look at yourself; even to your own species, you're abnormal with those two eyes... and... whatever that shit is." His dirty nail poked Agragul under his red eye, dabbing a bit of dark blood on the red skin trail beneath it. "I bet you have a pillow just to cry in, you six-legged piece of shit." That last term came with an undeniable challenge—a challenge Agragul took to heart.

He stood there, waiting for Jacovi to run his mouth again.

"Did you piss y-"

He jolted his shoulder forward. In a flash, one of his spider legs went piercing through Jacovi's heart. His eyes lit up at blood splattered onto his hairy, pitch-black face, relishing at Jacovi's gasp of fatality. Drops of blood dribbled out his mouth.

"H... H... Hell... p."

Nobody could hear his hoarse cries.

Agragul didn't bother cleaning up the evidence and left him to rot.

The walk home had been rather peaceful, knowing Jacovi was out of frame—the smile that crossed his face stood proud. He just did the world a favor, after all, and he couldn't be more enthusiastic about it.

[u/Neonknight199]

I can see intention behind some of your descriptions but you load them with unnecessary ornate language where simplicity and a single striking image would land better.
You also begin with “colourful explosions” blasting through “the chemistry window” - there’s not enough here to really picture an image. I am a firm believer in setting a scene before immediacy, unless immediacy is used skilfully in ways to make the reader feel intrigued to read on. You also use the same words more than once within the same paragraph which is clunky prose.

My suggestion would be to revise what it is you want this chapter to really convey and think of what the reader really needs to envision for that intention to come across successfully. Writing is hard, and it takes time to craft well, so don’t despair and keep trying!

[u/SheElfXantusia]

This was hard to read for multiple reasons. First, it's not even spell-checked. Second, this would be too edgy even for a DnD character - a book character that is this edgy is obnoxious and embarrassing to read (in my opinion). The first paragraph alone exposed so much about the story, I didn't feel like I needed to read further. There was no real hook, just tropes, a whole lot of tell-don't-show and no substance. A hero who can kill a person with the flick of a wrist (or leg) at the beginning of the story is not interesting - what obstacles will he overcome? He commits a cold-blooded murder in the first 500 words and he's the protagonist? Yikes. I could go on for a long time. This is not a good start to any story.

[u/FigureRepulsive9783 → u/SheElfXantusia]

He's the villain, but fair enough.

The only thing I don't really agree with is the part of "edgy" characters being TOO edgy, and thus "embarrassing." I've seen a lot of edgy or really dark characters that aren't "embarrassing."

[u/evild4ve]

This is replete with craft issues. It avoids the most common flaw of fantasy first chapters, by starting from the character making a choice, but oddly fails to establish either the stakes or what the other options were.

If the spider-wotsits are strong and fast enough to instantly kill people... why isn't Jacovi more respectful?

The ideas don't join up - - He jolted his shoulder forward. In a flash, one of his spider legs went

His spider legs swayed like trees

[u/jaciwriter]

Just my 2c of the opening paragraph. Take or leave the advice.

ℂolorful explosions blasted through the chemistry room window, illuminating the hallways.

You're doing a lot of telling right from the first sentence that (to me at least) isn't immersive. (This continues in later paragraphs as well, like the spider yelling curses, instead of just having what he actually said.) I'd rather see something like "The building tremored as the booming sounds of detonations echoed through the walls of the chemistry room, the cracked windows lit bright with flashes of blue and yellow." (Or something, just a quick reword of what you had.)

The door was weirdly tall, so Agragul had to perch on his heels when he wanted to peek inside. To a human, his height was unnatural...

This to me feels off. We've got a dangerous situation with explosions going off right in front of us, and the story stops to describe the appearance of the main character. Either don't do that here, or make it flow better and don't make it seem like the story has stopped for a description dump. Also "perch on his heels" doesn't make sense, do you mean toes? I don't know maybe something like- Curiousity getting the better of him, Agragul crept forward and raised himself up on his toes to peek inside. His best friend "friend name", gave him an exasperated look. Though they were both twelve cycles old, "friend name's" human stature was a full foot shorter than his own. "What do you see?" he whispered urgently. -> Then get the MC to describe something of what's inside. (If there's no friend, you can make it another curious kid that's tagged along. If there's no humans at all, then I wouldn't be comparing your MC to one here.)

[u/FigureRepulsive9783 → u/jaciwriter]

Seems like a lot of people are confusing "colorful explosions" for literal blasts of chemistry instead of explosions of light.

I got quite a bit from this, so thank you. But this, to me, confirms some weird responses.

[u/jaciwriter → u/FigureRepulsive9783]

I think it's the combination of "explosions" and "blasted". It makes it sound like a true detonation. If it's just light, you might be better off using words like "flashes" instead of explosion, and maybe something like "seared" or "blazed" instead of "blasted"?

No probs, glad that helped. I just realised that post might have come off a bit over critical, so thanks for taking it in the helpful spirit intended.