r/icast • u/PandaBear905 • 1d ago
I CAST!!! I HAVE ALREADY FOUND JESUS
Share a way to scare away religious purveyors who won’t leave you alone (creativity encouraged)
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u/Tacos_Polackos 1d ago
Only works for Jéhovahs:
Me: How many people are in your religion, worldwide?
Them: over 9 million
Me: if you literally believe only 144,000 people are getting into heaven, why the fuck would I bother?
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u/ruddthree 1d ago
Who are the lucky 144,000?
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u/Tacos_Polackos 1d ago
Exactly
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u/ruddthree 1d ago
I just looked it up because I was curious.
It is an unshakable gut feeling that you are destined for heaven, further substantiated by a rule for JW saying that if you have to ask if you are chosen, you aren’t. Conveniently, the governing leadership of the JW church themselves are all supposedly chosen and going to heaven.
There are rituals that let other JW know you’re chosen, but it’s basically held up by the honor system.
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u/Massive_Remove2009 1d ago
do they literally believe that?
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u/Tacos_Polackos 1d ago
Yup
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u/Massive_Remove2009 1d ago
that's insane. how are they supposed to gather believers if there's literally no guarantee they get to heaven, whether for new believers of even themselves?
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u/True-Atmosphere8697 1d ago
Basically from what I understand the others will live on a paradise earth
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u/True-Atmosphere8697 1d ago
That wouldn’t work for JWS they’d explain that rest would live on paradise earth
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u/VirusHistorical3877 1d ago
I answer the door in full monk get up
Missionaries: Hi do you have time to talk about our Lord and saviour Je..
Me: what would you like to know
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u/CargoCulture 1d ago
What our friend here is not saying is that they don't mean Christian monk but D&D monk.
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u/VirusHistorical3877 1d ago
Nah that would go like this:
I answer the door in full D&D monk get up
Missionaries: Hi do you have time to talk about our Lord and saviour Je..
Me: Would you like to meet Him?
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u/Lazuli_the_Dragon 1d ago
When it comes to Mormons and Jehovah's witnesses then I like to just turn things around and convert them to catholic Christianity instead, but in the most over the top way
Basically screaming around how they're just misguided sheep and that they need to submit to rome
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u/thecraftybear NECROMANCER! 1d ago
Why would you do that. Don't scream at them, that's what their superiors want.
Instead, kindly engage with them and actually plant seeds of conversion in their hearts.
[rubs hands evilly]
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u/EvernightStrangely 1d ago
Don't scream at them, that's what the leaders want. Going door to door was never about conversion, an ad in the paper would do better. Instead, it's about indoctrinating the missionaries, teaching them that the world is openly hostile and intolerant of the Mormon faith, driving them back into the fold and making them think twice about leaving. It's all a method of control and retention.
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u/Eeeef_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
“I am an apostate”
This has worked every time for every door knocker from every religion that has solicited at my door. Been a good few years since anyone else has tried so I think every group that does this in my area has already stopped by and put me on their do not contact list
The reason this works is that a lot of these cults instruct their followers to avoid interacting with apostates at all cost because apostates are the people who are most likely to tell them about a truly valid insider reason for leaving their religion. To the extent that they don’t even risk asking what you’re an apostate from just in case you were a former member of their church
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u/OmegaTheLustful 1d ago
Tehe, that made me giggle. I think I might try to do something similar by claiming I was excommunicated from the Church xd
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u/Ok_Two_2604 1d ago
I wore daisy dukes while working on my car in the driveway. It mostly worked.
I’m a fat guy.
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u/panzer_enjoyer_ 1d ago
I usually just tell them I'm a satanist
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u/aroeplateau 1d ago
I'm a muslim lady wearing hijab and they keep aproaching me.
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u/thecraftybear NECROMANCER! 1d ago
They can see you worship God, but you're doing it all wrong! /s
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u/ruddthree 1d ago
I guess satanists are just too far gone to convert.
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u/aroeplateau 1d ago
But they still in the context of christianity, mine is just like a country away from hinduism
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u/JackWhoWanders 1d ago
point to the Mezzuzah on the doorframe "No thank you, already got one and am not currently looking to change providers."
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u/thecraftybear NECROMANCER! 1d ago
If they ask "Do you have time to talk about our Lord and Savior" or something, i'll just go "I had nothing to do with him. Come back with a warrant."
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u/thecountnotthesaint 1d ago
Much like my plans for burglars, hit 'em with the tactical nudity. Legal in my state so long as I stay inside.
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u/RBVegabond 1d ago
Give em this DCC card I guess
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u/CrashlandZorin I Cast Flair! 1d ago
The spell you're looking for is "Pantsless O'clock"
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u/PandaBear905 1d ago
Or topless if you have boobs
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u/CrashlandZorin I Cast Flair! 1d ago
The Door-to-Door Jesus peddlers tend to fear the dong more than they do the tiddy.
...though, if you show up to the door naked and having both...
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u/Mr_Maniac454 1d ago
Have black metal blasting in the background and run up to the door super fast and open it super fast and scream hail Satan while doing devil horns
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u/Metharos 1d ago
Claim apostasy, or satanism. They will never come back. They will blacklist your house.
I have not had a missionary at my door in years.
I happen to also habitually wear a Seal of Baphomet necklace to scare away proselytizers, which definitely appears to reduce the number of casual church invitations I get.
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u/Beargrillin 1d ago
Ask em if they want to taste forbidden fruit
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u/Top_Meaning7972 1d ago
I was literally just wishing I saved that news article so I could post it here, but I see you've already got it covered.
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u/Naive_Ad_6552 1d ago
Tell them you're seventh day adventist. And if they're seventh day adventist tell them you're a Jehovah's witness. They're both part of the same sect but on different sides? Relegions are complicated.
Anyway that's what works for me.
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u/KupferTitan NECROMANCER! 1d ago
Answer the door wearing nothing but a string as a man while greeting the male missionaries "Uh hello handsome."
Mind you I'm not into men, but they don't know that.
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u/NoTechnician1199 1d ago
I know a guy that's a jahova witness that goes door to door. He went to a johava missionary conference and I asked him if they had a guess what type of door it is by just knocking game..he didn't find it funny
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u/Venusto002 1d ago
If I were to say "Sure I'll listen to you, if you help me with my chores." would they do it?
I'd be willing to pretend to listen while they help me fold my laundry.
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u/disturbingyourpeace 1d ago
“Think you’re at the wrong door, I didn’t order any religious themed strippers.”
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u/Hopeful-Bobcat820 21h ago
I actually did this once. My friends came over for D&D. We were all in costume. I had on a hooded robe with an ugly medallion that looked like it could be a holy symbol. We heard a knock at the door. It was Mormon missionaries. I looked back at the group and said "Praise be ton Satan... The virgin sacrifices have arrived." They left quickly and never came back.
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u/SoullqssHydra 12h ago
I will cosplay as a plague doctor, blast heavy metal music, and sense their pestilence.
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u/PinkFloydBoxSet 1d ago
I don't know. That baddie with the G cups who offered the JWs a ride in her fun pocket seems like she has a solid plan if the 5.0 weren't a bunch of wet blanket wankers.
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u/Rover_The_Slasher 1d ago
"Do you know our lord and sav..."
"Oh shit, he found me!" and then slam the door
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u/Pomegranate_Mobile 1d ago
Waiting for the screen grab of the lady who scared away missionaries by offering her forbidden fruit
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u/Razzum-Frazzum 1d ago
I just answer the door. Trans people in pajamas are missionary kryptonite, apparently.
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u/Aggressive_Bug_6896 1d ago
I don't smoke, but my (ex) husband did. I grabbed a bottle of everclear (I make kahlua), one of his cigs, and a "toy". I answered the door in my underwear with a unlit cig dangling from my lips, a bottle of hooch on one hand, the toy in the other, and said, well come on in, boys, the party just started!
I didn't know they could run that fast....
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u/Upstairs_Host_3942 1d ago
Them: can we share a reading from the Book of Mormon?
Me: My Rabbi really wouldn’t like that
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u/DarthHelicon SORCERESS! 1d ago
The one time I've ever been visited by door to door missionaries, I told them that I worked third shift and that I would curse their god out of spite for keeping me up in the middle of the day.
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u/TerrapinMagus 1d ago
My parents have always just told people they are Catholic. They aren't, but have a lot of old catholic artwork and stuff, and it seems most people don't try to pressure Catholics into anything else.
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u/surgical-panic 1d ago
Went to the door in full Resident Evil Village cosplay once.
They never did come back
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u/SoullqssHydra 12h ago
Who did you dress as, lady d?
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u/surgical-panic 12h ago
Bela Dimitrescu. The oldest daughter. I had the blood makeup, yellow contacts, and everything
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u/SoullqssHydra 11h ago
Yoo that would def scare the missionaries they would think you were some crazy ass cultist lmao
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u/Derpdad082 1d ago
"You're just in time! We started the ritual but haven't sacrificed the goat yet."
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u/No-Department1194 1d ago
Not doing, for the post:
Answer basically nude. Just undergarments.
Intentional checking out. Like obvious, complete with approving grunting. Especially for a male to women.
Say you already worship their religion. Why bother talking to one of their one?
Intentionally give off sacrifice/scary vibes. Not super over the top, like in danger.
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u/Even-Place-6705 1d ago
I don’t believe go away or just put a sign that says no soliciting except for Girl Scouts I like the cookies
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u/LookingGlass_1112 CHROME CASTER! 1d ago
Ask them for a smoke. Old, but good, because a lot of sects prohibit smoking
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u/ImwethePrayerful 1d ago
Do you know Jesus?
Oh, yes. clearly devoted
Do, if you died tonight you would be sure your going to heaven?
🙏 Absolutely. smile
So you've been filled with the holy spirit?
hold out arm Would you like to check?
that's when they run
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u/AaronTheElite007 1d ago
When they come to the door, I just say come back after the ritual sacrifice
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u/FinalCalamity 1d ago
HAIL SATAN! HAIL THYSELF! THANK THE DARK LORD FOR OUR FREEDOM! THE ONLY THING WE’VE TO LOSE IS OUR CHAINS!
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u/Special_Main8449 1d ago
ask them when i open the door "good day, might you have time to talk about our lord and savior satan!"
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u/Hagrid1994 1d ago
I open the door naked
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u/DarionHunter 1d ago
Then one of them calls the cops on you and charge you with indecent exposure.
While the neighbor across the street brings out the film shoot equipment.
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u/DarionHunter 1d ago
First time a group came to me, I had a philosophical debate with them, countering everything they were saying with a bible verse of my own. After an hour, they left and I haven't seen them since.
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u/ApprehensiveMess5479 1d ago
Anwser the door naked and invite them in for a Coke and a chat. Trust me, they won't come back.
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u/d0nutbutth0le 1d ago
I give them a water bottle if they want and then tell them I work from home and have a meeting
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u/voicareason 1d ago
Is there DMT in said water bottle? It'd be super cool if there was DMT in the water bottle.
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u/d0nutbutth0le 1d ago
DMT isn't orally active without an MAOI, so it would be a waste of drugs
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u/voicareason 1d ago
Then PCP. I hear you can get it by the gallon these days.
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u/d0nutbutth0le 1d ago
Dosing someone without their consent would really throw a wrench in my assertion that I'm more moral than God. They need to know there are decent people outside the flock anyway
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u/brandothesavage 1d ago
Went to my door one time years ago just Stark ass naked when the jehovahs showed up must have got myself on a list somewhere. Never came back again
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u/notarealwriter 1d ago
Well apparently flashing them and asking if they want to taste your forbidden fruit works
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u/OmegaTheLustful 1d ago
I do not wish to scare them away. In fact, I would rather try to either dismantle their own belief to exoose the dark sides or even try to proseletyze my own spirituality to them xd
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u/Tefts_pain 1d ago
But but but, God speaks now. Book of Mormon. Don't call me mormon!!! If you join us you get to lose 10% of your income 😄. I KNOW this to be true. Warm fuzzy feelings based on the support and pressure from my family told me so. Come join us...
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u/The_Punny_Guy 23h ago
I had an army buddy who would invite Jehova's witnesses into his barracks room and promise to listen to them if they would listen to him in return. They ALWAYS said yes, only to enter his room and leanrn that he was an ordained priest of Anton LaVay's church of Satan...
He was inviting Jehova's witnesses into a LITERAL den of satan.
They never came back
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u/SamOfXanadu 22h ago
Would you like to come in and worship our lord and savior Lucifer? Yes he's the one that broke us out of the garden when the fake god imprisoned us there.
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u/No-Establishment5213 17h ago
At last Satan has provided us with the sacrifice! FETCH THR RITUAL BLADE!
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u/minx_the_tiger 6h ago
"No thanks, I'm Jewish."
Usually works. If not, then I can explain that their religion is a bastardization of mine with a lot of weird additions, and I'm not interested in living in guilt.
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u/juggalochris 1d ago
missionaries: good day. do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Jesus christ?
me: only if im allowed to talk about our true dark lord and master, azathoth, the blind being, devoid of sensation and knowledge in whose dreams our universe lies, making everything we do and believe in futile, first?
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u/humdrumturducken 1d ago
"Do you have time to talk about our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ?"
"Only if you also have time to hear about my Lord & Savior, L. Ron Hubbard."
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u/Haunting_Weakness_13 4h ago
My roommate put out a hail satan welcome mat. They stopped even knocking
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u/Nowardier 1d ago
I tell them I'm not interested and ask them not to come back again, because I'm not an ass and don't feel the need to curse someone out or indecently expose myself to them just because they knocked on my door.
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u/voicareason 1d ago
Genuinely hilarious, imagine, treating people like they are also human beings! You're a weird guy.
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u/Electronic_Screen387 1d ago
I mean, just look at who is at your door before you open it, and just don't. You have no obligation to answer your door.
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u/SaltRun2465 1d ago
The last one to "come to my door" got attacked by a tiger. The owner of said tiger owned it illegal and i was asked to sedate said tiger so they could move it somewhere it could legally be... honestly it was kinda horrific cause the head was still whole and i had just seen them days before.
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u/qualityvote2 1d ago edited 1d ago
u/PandaBear905, wizards be pondering the orb instead of voting on the quality of your cast…