r/itsthatbad • u/Cute-Revolution-9705 • 3h ago
Men's Conversations Why men need to be needed, rather than wanted.
I've seen a lot of interesting questions posed by women. The primary one is: "why do men desire being needed rather than desiring to be wanted? Why does a man prefer his wife begrudgingly tolerate him for basic survival rather than be the cherry on top of her life?"
Easy.
A woman's emotional state isn't stable. Women lose interest over bizarre and flippant reasons. Women literally pursue what they're emotionally drawn to and feel no duty or obligation towards the original thing they wanted. And because they're the more desirable gender with the most options they have a massive pool at their disposal. Imagine if a man neglected his wife and ran after another girl that excited him. Everyone would call him an asshole, but if a woman does it, it's ok.
Men desire being needed because they don't want their emotional well-being tied to a being who can abandon it with social acceptance. They'd rather it be anchored to something solid that can't be easily discarded.
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u/EpicRussia 2h ago
Idk why you think its okay for women to leave relationships at whim. Its not okay for either gender. People that want to live free from committing to others (selfishly) and hop from one spark or interest to another should be free to do so, but that mentality is not suited for a relationship
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u/burning_stix 2h ago edited 1h ago
Nah, women saying that men need to be needed is just them patting themselves on the back for using men and twisting it around to sound like their unwillingness to provide for their own needs is somehow in someone else's benefit.
*edited -typo
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u/Enlightarded0 2h ago
A few years ago I was talking to this chick who was rinsing simps, she and her boyfriend bought a farm together and she was getting like 4g a month of these guys
And I was like don't you feel like any guilt or shame or anything that these guys are living in this emotional hell , low self esteem, etc
She's like no because I help them. They see it as empowering to give me money and support me.
Just writing it here makes me feel sick.
And shortly after when I couldn't honestly assuage her feelings about it she crashed out hard. Also probably because she realised I wasn't going to give her money.
Most of the time when women are crashing out for no clear reason there's guilt or shame about using men behind it.
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u/bikeguideraz 50m ago
At some point this whole worrying about what women think about men mindset has to die out. Just do your own thing as a man, if you want a relationship know what comes with it and take the risk, or keep it transactional for sex. Having your life revolve around how women think, especially how women think about men is going to completely drain you (and not in a good way)
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 2h ago edited 2h ago
This is pseudo sociology/psychology at best and nonsense at worst. There is no research the back this.
The impulse to be “the provider” or “dominant” role in a relationship is highly sociological, not natural or biological. Yes men contain higher levels of testosterone but that alone does not immediately assume our role in relationships as found in numerous matriarchal and approach egalitarian societies and cultures throughout history and the world.
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u/Zealousideal_Cap7012 1h ago
Would hardly call it sociological given it is showcased globally throughout time and including in very modern liberal egalitarian cultures. Most importantly it is showcased in mammals largely as well. More egalitarian showings or matriarchal ones(ie hyenas) stem from either low dimorphism or it being reversed.
So i think its generally just unfalsifiable to assert it as sociological. No real proof of it whatsoever while plenty showing otherwise. The growth of evolutionary psychology will eventually push away a lot of contemporary nurture focused rhetoric
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 1h ago
The Mosuo people of Yunnan and Sichuan live in extended, female-headed households where they practice "walking marriages" rather than traditional lifelong legal or economic unions. Men do not live with or financially provide for a nuclear wife and children. Instead, children belong exclusively to the mother's lineage and are raised by women and maternal uncles. A man's primary caregiving and familial obligations go to his sisters and nieces rather than his romantic partners.
Located in West Sumatra, the Minangkabau represent the largest matrilineal society in the world. Land, ancestral houses, and family heirlooms (harato pusako) are inherited exclusively from mother to daughter. When a couple marries, the husband moves into his wife's family home. While men have vital community, religious, and political responsibilities (often acting as mamak or maternal uncles guiding their sisters' children), the economic foundation and housing security of the family are anchored by the women.
Citations:
https://www.aer.ph/post/gender-lessons-from-the-mosuo-people-of-china
https://phys.org/news/2023-03-opinion-matrilineal-societies-worldit-patriarchy.html
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u/Enlightarded0 2h ago
Doesn't pregnancy and vulnerability during the early stages of parenthood have something to do with it?
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 2h ago
Believe it or not, that is a highly sociological response. While of course men and women experience the “bonding hormone” dealing with pregnancy that is not related to the gender of the mother so much as the attachment to the idea of the child.
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u/WellWrested 1h ago
It is absolutely related to gender. Birth takes a toll on women and they need time to recover. Also, babies require a fair number of calories so added support getting that seems practical.
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 1h ago
You’re conflating medical necessities with societal influence to be “needed” or the “dominant” role of the relationship.
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u/WellWrested 1h ago
This has nothing to do with what OP wrote. Nowhere did he say men wanted to be dominant or a provider. There's a difference between someone needing another half to complete a relationship and the other "half" being dominant.
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 1h ago
The basis of OP’s argument is not what you’re interpreting. OP clearly states men don’t want to be wanted - they want to be needed. Very last sentence “they… …something solid.”
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u/WellWrested 1h ago
Um it's exactly what I am "interpreting". Unlike you I don't add anything to his argument.
And using longer words than necessary makes you sound conceited not intelligent.
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 1h ago edited 1h ago
To be needed in a relationship infers a structural power imbalance essentially necessitating one partner’s presence/contributions for security or other non-waive-able purposes.
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u/WellWrested 1h ago
Ugh. Try to think at least a little bit. Both sides can need the other equally...only one side is specified in the post it does not guarantee the other.
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u/Tricky_Procedure_394 1h ago
No, I believe you’re not understanding the definition of need. Allow me to help:
Need - a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism.If a partner in any form of relationship REQUIRES another entity for their wellbeing that is no longer anything but parasitic at worst or symbiotic at best.
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u/WellWrested 1h ago
Read what I wrote moron. Your comprehension skills are worse than an elementary schooler.
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u/Mindless_Sea8108 1h ago
Your entire argument is debunked after your first sentence lmao, claiming women “aren’t stable” and making accusations about women as a whole like we aren’t all individuals. No woman will ever need you stfu
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u/1spywithmylittle1 1h ago
Just one look at your post history and you seem "very" stable. Depression, constant fighting with your ex, desires for your therapist, you owe money and make posts titled "How to stop thinking about what you may have missed out on while being in a relationship."
Which just proves OP's point that even in a relationship ho*s can switch up on you in a heartbeat.
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u/Spicey_Cough2019 2h ago
You can still escape the femosphere rabbit hole OP