i don’t know who to talk to

i don’t know who can help

i don’t know what im doing

i don’t know what to say

i don’t know where to go

i don’t know where i am

i don’t know when to start

i don’t know when to give in

i don’t know why i feel this way

i don’t know why i can’t do anything

i don’t know how i feel everything

i don’t know how i feel nothing at all

i just don’t know.

There is this high I feel, not from a substance, but everything to do with letting you in.
It begins with a thought, a feeling, a creation that refuses to leave my mind.
I turn it over, I give it shape, I give it space to breathe, like you told me, turning something invisible into something real.

And I send it to you.
Just like that.
The intricate piece of myself leaves my hands, leaves my mind, and enters the space between us.

The patient waiting.
The quiet anticipation.
The knowledge that somewhere, sometime, somewhere, you are experiencing my creation.
And then, a notification, suddenly,
my world seems to sharpen.
My heart catches up with my eyes.
My attention narrows to my screen.

This is a rush I cannot quite explain,
it is a surge of something bright and electric
moving through my veins, my limbs, before I've even read a word.

You've read it, you’ve experienced it.
And now there are words, a reaction, a commentary by you.

I see your words and I feel them,
That impossible, weightless feeling,
like something in me has just taken flight.

I read your comments once, trying to absorb every word.
Then I do it again, because once isn't enough.

I see the details you noticed.
The meaning you found in the places
I wasn't even sure I'd made visible to you.

I feel this overwhelming urge to hold that moment still, to stay inside the feeling for just a little longer. Because how out of the world is it to take something that existed only in me, my head, my feelings and watch it become something that exists in the space between us?

My ideas and words were once just mine.
My creations lived only in my head.
Now they've traveled.
Now they've reached you.
And something has come back.
Not just a response, but a reason to return to my notes, to dig a little deeper, to make more, to find another piece of myself that I didn't know how to share until we sparked that inspiration.

The feeling doesn't end when I close the message.
It follows me
And sometimes I revisit a thought you noticed.
I open the message again, just to feel that little spark one more time.
Still glowing, still shining and still alive

Maybe that's the high.
Not simply being praised.
Not simply being heard.
Not simply being seen.
But the exhilaration of creating something
from the deepest, most private parts of myself, watching it come alive and sharing in someone else's understanding.

There was a woman, when the world was quiet and young.

It is she, who ponders all these things in her heart, and as a secondary rhythm in the grand destiny, my chest rises and falls with a similar tide.

Holding questions of love too large for the tongue to shape.

With a breath, I let my secrets slip into the rising gale.

No longer a burden to carry alone,

I cast my line backward into the deep, trusting the current knows the way.

I pray for a wish.

The definition:

I wish for my dreams to be carried, throughout the evening air's architecture. Sculpted by the wind that carries a voice, before dissolving into a crashing tidal sound of my heart's vibration caught in mid-air.

Arrive upon her shore at the first dawn, and become granted within the clasp of her touch.

WAKE UP
It’s all a dream
A tragic scheme to steal your mind.

WAKE UP
Everything that you believe
May be a lie.

WAKE UP
All the things you’ve seen
All the things you’ve done

WAKE UP
If only you could see
What you could become.

WAKE UP
You’ve got to break the mirage
You’ve got to try.

WAKE UP
You’ve got to open your eyes
Before you die.

WAKE UP
Wake up for once
in your life.

I wonder if you are happy
Truly
You say your dad is satisfied
And your son is loved

I ask if you are happy
Truly
You say it’s not professional
To answer it

I ask if you are happy
Truly
You say you just use what in your hand
To make something beautiful

I ask if you are happy
Truly
You say choosing something not easy
Is the evidence of free will

I ask if that means goodbye
Seriously
You say all the best
And maybe in another universe

Then I become silent
You say leave
You say stay
You name it a comet
Then a mistake

I can never see you
Neither can you.

Before you went you said

‘It’s good to replenish what is gone.’

The logs stayed stacked,

The enduring fragrance of pine

Long since dead with the onset

Of a score of winter chills.

I saw you once, casually walking along the street

Sparks of recognition banked down, by a sense of calm

I passed on by, this perfect stranger.

Eyes lit, focusing on the next corner

The logs could stay stacked

The fire could wait, the day burned bright.

up from the rot the fungi grow,

out of chaos hidden below.

tiny cushions for bugs,

eaten up by the slugs.

plants that feed on feces

come in many species.

some rise into elegance,

possessing luminescence.

others bright red and look a bit odd,

with little white dots painted by God.

wrapping around trees,

flat fan-shaped are these.

plump ones, voluptuous and round,

like juicy balls hitting the ground.

now as i walk in the meadow,

i notice one in a shadow.

but exquisiteness can be deceiving,

extinguishing spirits of the living.

are you able to foresee

if it’s poison or ivy?

you won’t know

until you taste the soul.

pick me

eat me

taste me

it tugs at my chest.

is this just a test?

forbidden fruit speaking to me—

am i not any wiser than Eve?

hands reaching as i come to a knee.

are looks all it takes to deceive?

though many are lethal,

not all are quite equal.

few are scrumptious

and not devious.

exquisitely served on a platter,

seared in golden butter.

tasteful umami i presume,

within my reach to consume.

i dig in for a giant bite,

only to be met with a fright.

my body launches it out.

like a child i start to pout.

this gorgeous thing is abominable.

i thought we would be compatible.

‘it’s delicious’ i was told—

is that the lie i was sold?

with eyes we perceive the same beauty,

with lips it touches us differently.

under the facade,

truth is uncovered.

for me or for you,

find what is true.

pretty little things all around us,

with secrets kept under a face.

and now i know,

because i’ve tasted the soul.

https://strawberryblossom7.substack.com/p/mushroom-soul

Fear and despair says

We are to deep in the bog

the void is to bottomless

to expansive to all encompassing

I say

The light shall shine forth against the dark

it shall retreat to the outer recesses of my mind

from hope I gain strength

from strength I gain perseverance

from perseverance I gain reliance

and resilience I gain victory

Oh pain

You will pierce me but not destroy me

Oh life

you may burden me, but not crush me

oh death

you may take me, but shall not conquer me

in the land of the living

may the forest of sut and ashes

sprout forth the spring grasses

Take all of those memories,
Lock them all up in a box,
Atop the highest shelf in your mind,
And make sure it's one that locks.

You were just a placeholder,
On long, dark, lonely nights,
Nothing more than just a body
Someone too messed up to fight.

But it's me that he was thinking of,
Wishing it wasn't you right there,
Accept it, lock it, throw it away,
You don't get to keep those memories,
I'll unravel them at the seams,
Pick your own dreams
I'll take mine:

I don't have to be kind.
He's mine.
He was never yours,
Now throw the silly box away
Those thoughts are welcome no more
You were just a child at play.

One night I lean on my windowsill
and see a shadow,
white and still,
on the highest floor.
Seven stories, I count,
and nothing under it
but a light breeze.

I can’t tell what it is.
The dark keeps its edges to itself.
I make out a stubborn stance,
all my strained eyes will give me.

A cat, I tell myself,
or some stray thing the wind has found.
It could be anything.

All I ask
is that it’s not a who.

The shadow drops,
not with a body’s weight
but in a slow unfolding,
a white cloth slipping its clothespins,
sailing down the dark.

A sheet.
Just a sheet.

Now every night at the windowsill,
my face drifts from the moon to that edge,
and then the ground beneath it,
blurred again
by a slightly leaky eye. 

I don’t trust the eyes looking back at me.
I stare at you hoping to deep dive into your mind.
What are you thinking about? Is it me? Is it we?
You look away mischievously and your thoughts follow suit.
This paranoia sticks to my brain like really thick glue.
I feel it deeply and I get so blue.
I hope I could one day gain that trust for you.
I can’t help but grieve about what could have been.
I wonder how my love would have manifested if word was kept.
I mourn the kind of lover I could be and the kind of affection you would have received.
Your actions ensured it remains bottled up, stored away for good.
Something so rare kept under the hood.
Something for you to never feel and never see.
I wonder if it ever could be.
I can’t help but blame you for taking that from me.
You pulled it from right under you and I was collateral.
But perhaps you are not ready for it, maybe even undeserving of it.
After all it is that very thought that snowballed into this.
Perceived yourself as less than me.
Could it be you are your own worst enemy?
You hurt yourself more when you come for me.
I mourn that person I know is within me.
I feel her sometimes coming up for a peak.
But this place is not safe
She knows it and retreats
Hoping one day she can sow and reap
Loving you deeply that’s all you’d ever need.
But maybe
Just maybe
That person isn’t for you to see.

Help doesn’t exist
Another fragment of my imagination
A true manipulation
Altered perception
From cruel deception
Changing course from that direction
One way I would’ve gone
If trial hadn’t proved it wrong
When I deviated paths
Fear consumed me
Fueling wrath
Thus, building framework
Where erroneous thoughts lurk
Anger that built
A calm over-spilled
The danger of silence
Is self-reliance
With nowhere to turn
I just want to die and
Give into the oblivion
Perhaps I’ll be tranquil then
Perhaps there lies what I wish
To find that which does not exist

There is this high I feel, but not from a substance, but everything to do with letting you in.
It begins with a thought, a feeling, a creation that refuses to leave my mind.
I turn it over, I give it shape, I give it space to breathe, like you told me, turning something invisible into something real.

And I send it to you.
Just like that.
The intricate piece of myself leaves my hands, leaves my mind, and enters the space between us.

The patient waiting.
The quiet anticipation.
The knowledge that somewhere, sometime, somewhere, you are experiencing my creation.
And then, a notification, suddenly,
my world seems to sharpen.
My heart catches up with my eyes.
My attention narrows to my screen.

This is a rush I cannot quite explain,
it is a surge of something bright and electric
moving through my veins, my limbs, before I've even read a word.

You've read it, you’ve experienced it.
And now there are words, a reaction, a commentary by you.

I see your words and I feel them,
That impossible, weightless feeling,
like something in me has just taken flight.

I read your comments once, trying to absorb every word.
Then I do it again, because once isn't enough.

I see the details you noticed.
The meaning you found in the places
I wasn't even sure I'd made visible to you.

I feel this overwhelming urge to hold that moment still, to stay inside the feeling for just a little longer. Because how out of the world is it to take something that existed only in me, my head, my feelings and watch it become something that exists in the space between us?

My ideas and words were once just mine.
My creations lived only in my head.
Now they've traveled.
Now they've reached you.
And something has come back.
Not just a response, but a reason to return to my notes, to dig a little deeper, to make more, to find another piece of myself that I didn't know how to share until we sparked that inspiration.

The feeling doesn't end when I close the message.
It follows me
And sometimes I revisit a thought you noticed.
I open the message again, just to feel that little spark one more time.
Still glowing, still shining and still alive

Maybe that's the high.
Not simply being praised.
Not simply being heard.
Not simply being seen.
But the exhilaration of creating something
from the deepest, most private parts of myself, watching it come alive and sharing in someone else's understanding.

Our body is but a vessel to contain our spirit within.

Our self-centered beliefs, reflected by our actions, thoughts, and deeds, do not mirror who we genuinely are either.

To discover who another truly is, gaze beyond what you see and the façade they present to the world, to their genuine loving soul within.

For this is who we truly are.

Lord I need you

every season

every moment

every second

every hour

every year

Lord I need you

I can't do this alone

life is too hard without you

I just wanted to say I need you

we all need you o Lord

I need you in this cold world

नक़ाब-ए-दिल
चेहरे पे खुशी, दिल में ग़मों का जहां लिए फिरते हैं
आँखों में अधूरे ख़्वाबों की बेबसी, सीने में दबा हुआ इक तूफ़ान लिए फिरते हैं
होठों पर लफ़्ज़ों की खामोशी, सोच में अच्छे बदलाव के अरमान लिए फिरते हैं
जहाँ भरोसा नहीं किसी को खुद अपनी वफ़ा का, हम वहाँ बेवफ़ाओं से वफ़ा का गुमान लिए फिरते हैं
दुनिया में नफ़रत ने जहाँ लोगों को बेचैन कर रखा है, हम वहीं दिल में मोहब्बत का इत्मीनान लिए फिरते

Mr Gumshuda 🎩

The Mask of the Heart
With smiles on faces, they carry a world of grief inside the heart,With the helplessness of broken dreams in eyes, they carry a buried storm in the chest.
With silence of words on lips, they carry the desire for a beautiful change in thoughts,Where no one trusts their own loyalty, we carry the pride of finding loyalty from the unfaithful.
Where hatred in the world has made everyone restless,Right there, we carry the peaceful assurance of love within our hearts.

​Naqab-e-Dil
Chehre pe khushi, dil mein ghamon ka jahan liye phirte Hain
Aankhon mein adhoore khwabon ki bebasi, seene mein daba hua ik toofan liye phirte hain
Honton par lafzon ki khamoshi, soch mein achhe badlaav ke armaan liye phirte Hain
Jaha bharosa nahi kisi ko khud apni wafa ka, hum wahan bewafaon se wafa ka gumaan liye phirte hain
Duniya mein nafrat ne jahan logon ko bechain kar rakha Hai
Hum wahin dil mein mohabbat ka itmeenan liye phirte hain

“I hope the universe will forget you. I hope you still remember that.”

I thought I was finally getting used to your absence. I was learning not to check my phone every few minutes, not to wonder if you missed me, not to hope that one day you’d come back.

And then, just like that, you did.

Now I’m back to staring at my phone, waiting for that little notification, waiting for you to tell me when you’re coming back here. And the funny thing is, I already know I won’t say no.

You have this terrible way of making me forget all the reasons I should stay away from you. One message, one familiar smile, one night in your arms, and suddenly, I’m willing to risk losing my peace all over again.

Maybe that’s what makes you so addictive. You give me just enough to miss you, just enough to hope, just enough to make leaving you feel impossible. And somehow, even the pain of missing you feels better than the thought of never having you again.

I hate how easily you can make me happy. I hate how much I look forward to seeing you. But most of all, I hate that if you asked me to choose between the peace I’ve built without you and one more moment with you, I’d probably choose you.

So, my love, if one day we become strangers, I hope the universe forgets you. I hope it erases every road that could lead me back to you.

But I hope you still remember that.

Remember the girl who waited for your messages, who counted the days until you’d return, who welcomed you back even when her heart knew better. Remember how it felt to be loved by someone who could never quite bring herself to let you go.

And if you ever miss me, I hope you understand that I didn’t just want you to come back.

I wanted you to stay.

Because the agony of loving you is knowing you might leave again, and the ecstasy is knowing that, for a little while, I get to call you mine.

And here I am, waiting again.

Tell me, love, when are you coming back?

So lost, so lost, so lost.

The jinx I have to endure

I thought of everyday as the worst,

While keeping this life demure.

What a joke, I suppose

I haven't any close.

Solitude sounds good,

Until you feel it's wrath.

Forced am I to let the path

Eat me like food.

I try so hard to be the girl who has it all together

The one who smiles bright no matter the weather

I'm always best friend, the helper, the glue

Fixing everyone's mess like it's what I'm meant to do

I laugh a little louder so they don't see the crack

I give too much of myself and never ask for it back

I pretend I'm confident, flawless, collected

When inside I'm terrified of being rejected

I wish someone noticed when my voice goes small

When I laugh too quickly or don't laugh at all

I hide all the pain behind being okay

Because I don't want to scare anyone away

I love too deeply, fall way too fast

And then pretend I never expected it to last

I'm trying, caring, breaking, healing

Always feeling more than I should be feeling

And maybe someday, someone will look at me and know

I'm worth loving even when I'm not putting on a show