I do love the assumption that, if the pitcher hucked a baby at you, the officials would be like "well, them's the breaks. That kid's the ball now, you gotta play it."
I'm leaving the baby, despite its young age it managed to outrun the boulder. I doubt it was afraid if it could do that AND be a devout Christian, it just wanted to convert me through sacrifice. Common Christian baby scams.
The baby can't even climb a rope. Or run. It was exploded between the boulder and ground 400 feet ago. Granted, I also can't climb or run very so I probably only made it an extra 100 or so feet.
God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes he blesses you with the strength of 10 men, sometimes he makes you throw a Christian baby at someone to test their piety. God's will.
When does the baseball become a Christian baby? I think a mildly competent pitcher would notice the difference between a baby and a baseball in their hand.
See, my question is how the baseball player knows their next hit is gonna be a home run. Like its some stat or power theyve amped up, and they have their ult lined up. And somehow it being a baby, rather than a baseball, doesn't affect the outcome - its a home run no matter what.
Presumably the baby is coming in much slower and with less movement than a typical MLB pitch, so you can track it easily enough that an MLB hitter is going to be able to get quality contact on it like 80% of the time. If we assume the hitter is also taking steroids, he may also have enough power for that situation to reliably mean a homer despite the greater mass and lesser aerodynamics of a baby. In this case the hitter would be confident of a homer as soon as the baby was delivered.
i like to think it's the same baby in all of the hypotheticals, so this child is somehow capable of speaking and running and complex thought. also he's indestructible
If this is the same baby and the crucifix makes it not feel pain and immune to all damage then yeah Im gonna swing at the Christian baby in the baseball one. A baby would probably find that fun it would be immoral not to.Â
More importantly, the way most of these are worded implies that whether or not the baby is "Christian" changes how one would/should treat it. Which is pretty fucked up.
Atheists, imagine it's Thanksgiving and the store is out of turkeys, all they have for sale is a Christian baby who is roughly the same size and shape as a turkey and could feed a family of four, do you use the baby's gizzard for dressings or do you throw it away?
Baseball: That baby is dead regardless. Like that kid is not surviving a professional pitch. Also, what about the Pitcher who had the Baby on the mound? Shouldn't there be a question about them?
Skydiving: The Baby is talking and obviously is fully aware of their decisions. Let them fall. They want to plant their survival on me, and that's their choice.
Boulder: I'm saving myself. That Baby is a supernatural entity. They're outrunning a boulder, they're going to be okay.
Shotgun: why the hell am I trying to kill the baby? Is it that supernatural one from the other questions that can speak fluently and outrun a boulder? Or the obviously demonic one that manifested 3 pills in its hand, spoke clearly and claimed they could not kill it from the last one? If it's any of those, then yeah I'd shoot it. Supernatural monster in the making right there.
I'm also wondering where they got the abortion pills. I'm stealing those suckers and figuring out either where the stash is or how to make more. (not for me ofc, I'm a guy. but for the good of society)
unless maybe they just think Plan B are abortion pills..?
Even if they were Plan B, how did they get into her uterus intact? Did the baby pull them out of her blood stream and reconstitute them into pill form? Or maybe mom shoved them up there and that's why they didnt work.
Or a better idea for the shotgun one: Why not just steal the baby's necklace? Clearly it makes him unkillable. Think of all the things you could do with a necklace that makes you unkillable!
Look man it was a long game and the pitcher forgot his glasses in the dugout, anyone could have made that mistake. We don't need to question his role in all this
Atheists! Your late for work and notice a patch of mud on the ground. If you continue at the speed you're going. Youll be early at work and the ceo will be there. Using you as a an example of hood work etiquette he awards you $300. However the mud would have splashed on a Christian couple that were planning to breed once home. The mud would take them out of the mood thus killing the baby that would have been born. At the same time they just breed tomorrow and now a new baby ever so slightly different for the one that would have been born is born. Did you kill a baby and then create another? Or do you slow down and let the original baby be born?
As a Gnostic, I castrate the male so that another soul isn't doomed to the Hell that is the material plane of existence. I prevent the most amount of suffering, and thwart the Demiurge's plans.
If the baby requires me to slow down then maybe he just wasn't meant to be the original baby to begin with, and perhaps he should have thought of that before deciding to be conceived that day.
Why do they say "Christian babies" like one of the main characters and the smartest guy of the book doesn't say that people should come to Christianity on their own?
Also, ftm "accidentally, the pitcher tosses a Christian baby at you" how do you accidentally throw a christian baby
"Cave Johnson here; it turns out the shipment of Christian and atheist babies was shipped to the WRONG SITE. The lab boys were trying to test to see if you can make a baby pilot a turret to cut down on the cost of making the whole thing, but somehow it was shipped to the baseball stadium. We don't know how or why they delivered it there, but they did. We don't even share the same name in the slightest, and they mailed it to the Bay College Norse. Now you may also be wondering, why do we specifically need Christian and Atheist babies? Simple: The Christians believe that kids are maybe sorta free of sin, and atheists don't need any convincing. This way, the Christian babies get a partial excuse, and the atheist baby- is that a baby crying? did- Did anyone hear the Doppler baby? Sounded Christian. Ah, oh well. We're attempting to get the babies back during the game, an- There it is again-Ok that one sounded atheist, and I'll be super damned if that wasn't a baby being homerunned. DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT? Cave Johnson, we're done here. I think they're using the babies as the baseballs."
It depends on the drug. In a two-part termination, Mifepristone is taken orally, and like twenty four hours later Misoprostal can be taken vaginally to expell the fetus. So it doesn't really explain what the laughing baby did with the orally dosed pills- maybe he consumed them through the placenta, suffered no ill effects, and then reached down through the cervix to grab the Misoprostal as it was administered, so they didn't have time to dissolve?
My sibling and I were genuinely obsessed with christian baby hypotheticals 3 years ago for only like 24hrs.
Both of us would come up with increasingly absurd Christian baby hypotheticals until it got to the point we could think of anything to top them. It became more and more like Christian baby was just a terrorist though.
I think my favourite ones has to be Christian baby vs Moana, and Christian baby and the mind controlled Muslim babies.
You're implying that the baby dies. What if you hit it, and it survives, leading it to question its faith, leading it to question God's will. What if this hesitation twists into hatred, hatred towards God, towards religion, towards people. The baby grows up, broken and angry. He tries to join support groups, but eventually falls in with the wrong crowd. He climbs the ranks, leading rallies and protests. Soon these rallies turn violent. He leads worse and worse attacks, becoming notorious throughout the world.Eventually he reaches the top, but he wants more. He looks to the stars, to those endless worlds, an endless amount of people blinded by their faith just like he once was, a long time ago. He looks across to his wall, a bloodstained baseball bat displayed just below a golden frame. A small crucix hangs over the picture, obscuring the writing. The writing that reads " Adolf H"
Atheists: Imagine you are in an enclosed room that is rapidly filling with Christian babies. It becomes quickly evident that you will soon be engulfed by the deepening flood of tiny infants. If you pray to the Christian God and convert, you will transform into a Christian baby too and have a chance to escape later, but you risk becoming amalgamated in the Christian baby hive mind and then refusing to leave, as you suddenly feel compelled to smother other Atheists in the room in an attempt to convert them. Those Atheists you convert will face the same difficult choice. What do you do?
Atheists. Imagine, if you will, a world. A world with a Christian baby. That Christian baby is flying an airplane. You try to wrestle the controls from the baby but the baby has the power of God proving his grip. But lets say in the commotion the crucifix broke and you could take control over the airplane again.
Would you convert? Or would you continue the course of the airplane?
âI present for your consideration: Joe Johnson. Joe, an average man with a mediocre life; frustrated by the bland yesterdays and tomorrows. A man who, without realizing, has boarded a one-way flight, carrying this very predicament. Destination: the Twilight Zone.â
it's funny because the 5th one should convince tou to never convert.
God is a creature of belief and he would NEVER prove his own existance. It's up to the believer to credit mircales to him rather than pure chance.
So like, if "God" did something that would prove his existance, it cannot have been actual Capital G God and what you have in front of you is more likely some other kind of supernatural. It would work better as proof that god doesn't exist.
iâd hope the game camera would cut to a confused christian woman in the stadium audience who slowly and with horror realizes shes actually cradling a baseball after a tragic mixup during the mound visit
Ok but that helicopter thing is such an easy win-win for both the atheist and the baby if you really think about it, as the atheist can just HOLD the baby.
For the boulder one, how is there not space on your lap to hold the baby? Like is it a magical space that has a force field around whoever sits in the seat or is it just a normal helicopter? Doesnât make any sense.Â
Ok but in literally all of these, how do we know the baby is Christian? Like is the baseball player turning to the ump and asking "but what is that baby's religion?"
most likely a combination of having an immature understanding of the relation between christianity and the rest of society, and people finding that hilarious and riffing off of it
All I see is satire but I would love if some of these are serious
How's the parachute baby talking already and in control of the parachute with his tiny potato hands, he'd be on you like a backpack, that's a religious Chucky
I just love the idea of the "good Christian" in this scenario being the one threatening murder suicide
We need to know whether the people on the tracks are Atheists or Christians so we can properly powerscale their durability and thus the Trolley's tier ranking.
Giving in to the Christian baby just so they'll pull the cord on their parachute sets a very bad precedent. What happens when the Christian baby doesn't want to have bathtime? You can't let it think it can hold itself hostage to get its own way.
Ironically I reckon leftist atheists would be more likely to accept him than Christian rightists, given that he would be a brown Palestinian and hom returning would presumably be evidence of his existence.
And run the risk of devoting myself to a fickle deity who might immediately "go out for milk" for another 2000 years? Jesus is a flighty bugger whoâs hard to nail down
Don't shout, don't do anything, that helicopter is unstable as hell if a baby that weighs at most 15lbs is enough to cause it to crash. In fact, let the baby take the helo and I'll keep outrunning the boulder. I'm already doing it why should I stop?
why don't they build christian abortion clinics? there's already christian doctors that keep you christian alive when you're supposed to naturally christian die
What has happened to Christianity? We can't have a decent culture with this many idiots running around. Even looking past the fact that there is no such thing as a Christian baby, this level of fantasy thought is absolutely defective.
a lot of us are sort of raised with the idea that christians are persecuted. i think these originally come from someone's immature understanding of christianity's relationship with the rest of society, but most of them are satire riffing off of the absurdity of the hypothetical. anyways please be nice.
A lot of Christianity sort of stems from the idea of surviving being persecuted as a result of its origins as a sect of Judaism that sort of ticked off both the pagans in power at the time and wider Judaism, the latter of which was already kind of screwed over culturally
It's kind of interesting from a cultural standpoint to see how a school of thought that was originally formed to be about surviving getting the short end of the stick has reacted to no longer getting the short end of the stick
I kind of get the general Facebook Christian post style being absurd enough to become an ironic meme, but Iâm definitely missing something with the baseball references here
Being a Christian myself, these are absolutely hilarious. They're so absurd, so stupid. I hope they are satire, but I can also absolutely see some nutjob thinking it's a great gotcha
I always like to throw it back, âOkay, if suicide is a sin and sends you automatically to hell, does a christian family man who jumps on a grenade to save his family go straight to hell? And if so, why did go allow that?â
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u/Wrong-Mouse-6499 Chinese PvZ Comics Guy (also Soyspeare) 10h ago edited 10h ago
2 implies:
i automatically lose the game if i don't bat the baby
i can still win millions without bating the baby
i can't win millions if i bat the baby but not out of the stadium