I don’t know if I’m depressed, but I know I’ve lost my spark. I’ve lost my motivation and I don’t feel inspired. I feel stuck and numb, and I feel like a failure. The lows have been extreme for months, and in the last few weeks they’ve gotten worse.
My parents love me. My partner loves me. I have a cat I love. And I still have no will to live. That’s the part I can’t explain, because I should feel differently, and not being able to feel it makes me hate myself more.
For twenty years all I wanted was to escape. The house I grew up in felt like a curse, something I was trapped in. I had a roof over my head and people who loved me, and I still felt homeless. Then I tell myself my problems shouldn’t matter because it was all privilege, and that makes it worse.
In 2023 I moved to the UK, and for the first time in my life I wanted to live. I could breathe. I had a purpose, inspiration, hope. I was a stranger in a new city with new people, and it felt like home. I fell in love. My soul cat found me and I adopted him. I was happy, really happy, for the first time ever.
Then I lost my job and had to move back to India, a place I despise, a place that suffocates me, and the homeless feeling came back. My partner lives somewhere else and I don’t get to see him. I brought my cat here, to the noise and the heat, and I know he hates it. I carry that guilt every day. I can’t forgive myself for it.
Five months of looking for work and nothing. Nothing pays well, nobody values art, nobody wants to give me a chance to learn or grow and I keep doubting myself. My parents pay my student loan and I can’t contribute. All of it is killing me slowly.
I can’t stand looking at myself. I’m sad all the time. I often think about ending my life, and I wonder if it would stop the misery. I haven’t done it. I don’t know what stops me. I don't want to be a burden on the people I love, I don't want them to pick up my fallen pieces or to be a part of my life where I'm constantly unhappy.

It’s been one month that I go to the therapist she helps me and made me understand myself better, even suspects me from having depression or something like that but at the same time I kind of feel that it’s not enough for me because I see her once a week and sometimes when I’m down she isn’t here. And when I’m down, it’s more like I’m in a huge cloud, my mind is foggy and I can’t think, literally or just overthink.
I tried rediscovering my old passions like drawing or reading but i just kept getting more and more bored. I also used to play video games a lot and recently I’m playing again but too much. I live with my parents (I’m 18F) we just moved out and my room is so messy.
It’s so weird i feel like sometimes the best person on earth, i gain so much confidence from nowhere for a week and then because of a small thing going to the opposite of my thoughts or just when i feel something that I don’t like, i feel like the worst piece of shi and just want to end everything to make it stop.

I hate this feeling and when I talk to my therapist about it I forget about everything, my mind goes blank. I just want to feel like the best person on earth again.

I think I keep accidently posting this because reddit mod telling me it’s too grim to post so It said out it here so I’m copy and pasting sorry I am not a bot robot ai :(

Now that I’m looking on here I regret posting because obviously there are so many more people that also need help 🤷‍♂️. I’ve tried clinics and phone numbers, friends and family, therapists and psychiatrists ect ect. I’ve tried like 3 different types of medications too. It just doesn’t work aye.. I’m 18, and if I can finally manage to move out of my small town and into a flat to a slightly bigger down an hour down the road mabye I won’t kms next year. Idk man, i live in New Zealand and I just hate everything. I’ve been depressed for a loooong time. Chronic depression, insomnia, like 2 other depressions and adhd too not that it factors lol. Anyways tore my acl skateboarding and because of ts shit I was kicked out of school for that and low attendance. Never ever knew what i wanted to do with my life so now i work minimum wage trying to get this flat.

No work, no shifts since I get like 3 a month. Had to go on government benefit. I soared through school and found it easy, what I’m saying is like I’m smart I guess. My therapists all sent me away because they said I’m too smart for them to help me. I’ve read books and go gym 5 times a day, go on walks all the time and see my friends as much as I can. Check in on my parents. I mean in the last year I haven’t gotten thag much worse but I’m still just barely hanging on yk. Like I’ve been this way for years and years and it’s just like what’s happiness even meant to be atp. Once I travel that’s it, if I return unhappy then I’ll kill my self.

I understand the beauty and colour and opportunities in life and how privledged we are to live in it, but I’m too beaten down and just can’t grab these things for myself no matter how hard I try. I had one girlfriend and it was a horrid relationship, she had BPD as she was diagnosed a year later so she took that out on me as you know. Like 3 other girls I’ve had a crush on since then but none were into me.

Idk, I used to skate before my ACL. I played guitar and was pretty fucking good ngl, but I’m not kidding one day never picked it up again and whenever I forced myself to I felt empty, so plain and empty.

So now I smoke weed daily because what else is there foe the mean while. My cat randomly died one night and it was my fault, my best friend she was. I have two friends but they’re occupied with their girlfriends. Idk no matter how “good” my life is I feel so lonely and miserable. Idk why I’m trying reddit, I thought you can find alot of genuine people on here. My sob story is nothing new though so who honestly gives a flying fuck right.

Car crashes and family losses and severe financial debt you know you know, but we keep going I guess. Mum and dad divorced when I was 2 and had a bunch of psycho step parents and siblings on both sides. Never messed me up tho just thought I’d throw it in there for any context.

Idk I’m some zamn nobody. Idk why I can’t pull girls. I feel like I have spunk yk. Long hair, tats and piercings, like surely that doesn’t off put everyone, it’s barely any! I have long dyed hair too so mabye I come off like some retep loser stoner with no life. I’m smart and have lots to talk about the amazing universe and the stars and nature and animals and life and terraria and video games and movies and books and poetry and love and philosophy and music. But everyone has interests and skills (I lack the skills i spose) so mabye I’m drowned out in the noise of it all. They say hang in there and my time will come but come on, I just want a singular day where I know it will actually be okay.

All I want is to move to mabye the nice beaches by the coral sea where the ancient forests are in northern Aussie. All I want is to wake up and live my life and genuinley be happy. Idk how that comes or what it looks like yet but that’s all I truly want. That and some real human connection, someone to share my soul with, someone who I feel finally actually understands me.

It’s crazy, imagine someone actually truly really caring how I’m doing, someone who is like wow he’s cool and I straight up just wanna be around him. Like I spoke to my ex to see if she could try sort me out with this whole love triangle with 4 ppl thing and set me up with this cool girl for a sesh, but as we were talking she geninleiv couldn’t believe I hadn’t even had a “cheeky over the pants rub”. Girl bro mate I haven’t even had a girl add me back on Snapchat or fucking wanna hangout with me. Is it because she thinks I’m a decent guy or because she’s flexing on her sickass life.

Anyways what the fucks the fucking point right. This is a long yap festival and as per fuck my luck no one will reply bruh no one ever does, it’s weird how the universe works. At this stage of writing I’m sorta just venting, because I can’t be bothered using my diary.

Anyways long live Aotearoa New Zealand, the beautiful souls amongst the human race, and for peace and prosperity among planet earth. Every individual is an amazing spirit and I wish for nothing but pure hope and luck for us when I look up at the beautiful night sky. Thanks universe for giving me the chance at life, it’s fucked so far but I’ll try my best to fix it and enjoy what I can and when I can. I’m not that stoned either, I just want nothing but peace and love for everyone bro bro bro bro broooo.

\-I was gonna do like a funny thing here at the end but it’s truly kinda just sad knowing no one will read or reply 😭😭😭rip tho have a good day deadass if someone is here, just move on and enjoy your life :). Mabye my sob story even made u realise your life ain’t so bad, or more likely it came off as some whinging. Anyways bye for real