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u/hardlopertjie 8h ago
I can never understand how this happens. When you propose it should 1000% not be the first time the topic of marriage ever comes up. If you have a good relationship and know each other then marriage would have been discussed in private long before there is ever a potential proposal.
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u/mootxico 8h ago
Yeah in a normal situation it would've been something agreed upon a long time ago before the proposal, and you proposing would just be a nice little surprise for when she didn't expect it
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u/BlendedBaconSyrup bruh 6h ago
Perfect summary:
Engagement should NOT be a surprise. The when/where of the proposal is the surprise.
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u/TheDungeonCrawler Duke Of Memes 2h ago
Usually this happens because one party in the relationship knows it isn't going anywhere or is soon coming to an end so they buy a ring and try to force the issue in public to try to pressure the other party into staying.
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u/WolvReigns222016 2h ago
That's not usually how it happens. I would say this is mainly caused by movies making it look like a huge surprise and wanting to replicate it. Acting like majority of these situations is trying to guilt the other to say yes is pretty gross.
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u/Individual-Ad-3318 6h ago
honestly public proposals without prior discussions scream manipulative to me; do you want to fucking peer pressure or guilt her into marrying you???? do you not care enough about her to avoid her experiencing that?????????????????????
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u/RovenshereExpress 1h ago
My husband proposed in a public setting. We had discussed marriage many times and were both sure we wanted a future together.
An ex boyfriend was apparently in the middle of planning a VERY public proposal just before I broke up with him. We had NEVER discussed marriage before. I don't think he was manipulative, just young and dumb. But yeah, some guys definitely are doing it to put pressure on the woman.
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u/-KKD- 10h ago
Why do people propose to someone they aren't 100% sure will respond "yes"?
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u/unionizetransgirlies 8h ago
i don't understand not having the conversation. in two of my long-term relationships, the conversation came up about.. what if we made it serious? and then discussing what that means for us... i dont know. it seems insane to... not discuss things. the proposal is the public side of it. the private side is... private? i mean, you can still do something cute and romantic after the conversation but ive never known anyone that has randomly proposed to someone
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u/TapatioTacos 10h ago
How the fuck we suppose to know if we don’t fucking ask…
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u/Sweet_hivewing7788 9h ago
It’s good practice to have some kind of conversation about marriage before the proposal. At the very least if someone is planning on proposing without said conversation, they should do it in a less public setting
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u/justmanbearpig 10h ago
usually you have a relationship before you propose. add some common sense and basic empathy to that and there we go
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u/gobletofwine 8h ago
But still with all that you can't be 100% sure. I know relationship where it looked like both will definitely marry each other but people say no to marriages even after years of being together due to family stuff in India which is unfortunate and i would prefer if such person should get booked for false promise but nobody bothers putting case. Either people should discuss before hand what they will do incase parents don't agree without commitment for marriage in relationship and saying no when real proposal comes or stay out of relationship. I know international audience might not able to understand. I am extremely happy that I never had relationship before marriage and they way my marriage got arranged we both got enough time together to understand we are comfortable and discuss all kinds of stuff before hand but not all in India this lucky. Now that I am in 30s the stuff I see my colleagues and friends go though breaks my heart.
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u/wrenblaze 9h ago
Buddy never in been in healthy long-lasting relationship. Talks about marriage pop out causally sooner than you expect.
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u/AlexRenquist 2h ago
Like having children, marriage is a deal-breaker for 99% of people (either way; they do or do not want it) and you have to work out early on if you're compatible on the big stuff like this. No sense wasting 2 years in a relationship to realise "Oh she wants to get married, I really don't oh no".
You sort that shit out early doors.
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u/Natural__Power 9h ago
What a lot of people don't realize is that proposing is just making something you already agreed on "official"
You've been in a relationship and agreed you wanna get married to each other eventually by the time you propose
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u/Can-You-Fly-Bobby 7h ago
You're supposed to know the answer before you ask. If you're not sure then you shouldn't be asking
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u/VioletteTheGrimm 7h ago
You ask questions that aren't "Will you marry me?" Instead ask "Are you ready for marriage?", "What style ring would you want?", "What do type of wedding would we have?"
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u/-KKD- 10h ago
Do you propose to a stranger person you don't know or what? I guess you are supposed to propose to someone you are in deep relationship with. For years probably. That's how you know they will answer "yes"
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u/Humble-Reply228 9h ago
More to the point, you should ask and she has already said yes, before you propose. It is a ceremony, people misunderstand the moment as being when you find out, that if surprised by the question, she will say yes.
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u/demoneclipse 6h ago
You ask what they think about getting married in private, way before proposing.
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u/cloudlocke_OG 3h ago
It'll come up in conversation. A few years into my first relationship, we naturally started discussing future plans, and they always involved us together. The topic of marriage started to get into the conversation, and we were both excited at the idea. So when I proposed, I was certain she'd say yes.
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u/Stuck_in_my_TV 8h ago
Why are you still dating someone after like 6 months you wouldn’t say yes to if they proposed?
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u/RandomAssRedditName 8h ago
6 months? Bro, that's still in the honeymoon period. Ain't no way can you objectively judge someone's character in 6 months. I ain't even living together with someone in 6 months, and I sure as hell ain't gonna propose before living with someone for at least a year
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u/User_namesaretaken 8h ago
Nah 6 months is too less
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u/ParkerJ99 8h ago
My Mom married my Dad after dating for 3 months, and they bought a house together. 18 years and they’re still together.
To clarify, my Mom is not my Birth Mother.
They also adopted their dog less than 3 months after the previous one passed, and then surprised my little brother with a puppy 3 years later. But it actually took them 9 years to finally have my brother (Mom had cancer and low fertility after going into remission.)
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u/ihavenostance 7h ago
Trans men are men because only a man could think this is a good argument for rushing marriage
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u/Stuck_in_my_TV 8h ago
6 months is definitely enough time to think “could I marry this person?” And if the answer is no, leave.
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u/Mikalton 8h ago
Not even close. Maybe if you hold hands every single day and experience each other everyday but my limit is 2 years minimum
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u/chubbyPandagirl 3h ago
2 years and I can't stress this enough Living with this person at least a bit. You know so much more how married Life will be if you lived with this person befor.
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u/Je_gebruikersnaam 8h ago
Could? Sure. Will? That'll take way mkre time. An outlier "my parents date for 3 months" says jack shit. If they're still happy: awesome. And they're not the norm to judge the rest of humanity by.
Knew I wanted to marry my wife from day one. Wouldn't date anyone I'd not see myself marrying back than. Took years for us to marry. Part working things out/part life.
And yeah, there was an absolute 0 percent chance she'd've said no by the time I asked.
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u/Appropriate-Yak-3814 8h ago
Because people date for different reasons.
You need to figure out if it's leading to one thing or something else.
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u/Da_Commissork 8h ago
For me Is minimum 3 years, also at least 1 year living together to test what a person Is every day. Too many people get merried too early and discover some dark secret YEARS later
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u/tinycoyote1423 8h ago
This feels short even in a Mormon/Evangelical background. Sometimes it’s nice to enjoy a long term relationship for a few years but not necessarily be in a relationship for a half century. It depends on what both people want and very clear communication
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u/OwMyCod 6h ago
Pro tip: don’t propose in front of your whole family if you’re not 100% sure she’ll say yes
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u/Wonderful-Fix5761 2h ago
“Pro tip: don’t propose if you’re not 100% sure she’ll say yes”
FTFY
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u/az987654 6h ago
Who is proposing without already knowing the answer????
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u/Neppingten 6h ago
Seems insane. If someone would propose to me without talking about it first and already agreeing together than there is no way I'd just say yes without time to think or talk about it
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u/Additional-Proof556 5h ago
And who is proposing with depreciating assets? Buy gold ring dumbass!
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u/Kobayashi-Coffee-Co 4h ago
Gold is down since i started buying
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u/Bureaucratic_Dick 3h ago
So it’s your fault?!?! Thanks jerk, now what am I gonna do with all this gold!
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u/heftyspork 7h ago
That advice is for asking someone out. If you're in a relationship where you want to be married and they don't, you should probably get their vibe on marriage in general before asking.
Also better they say no than want to say no, but fear the embarrassment so the just say yes.
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u/Anders_A 6h ago
So the worst that could happen was that she said "no". He was the one who decided to involve his family in it. Not her.
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u/BubbaTech24065 4h ago
You never ask in front of your whole family first. Always alone first. Then maybe you can stage something in front of your family, if you both have a dramatic flair. 🤔
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u/SaysPooh 11h ago
I guess she could have said “yes” taken the ring and changed her mind later
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u/vokul_vokundova 8h ago
That's unfair to her. If you ask someone in public, be prepared the answer might be "no" in public. He put her as much on the spot as she did him 🤷♂️
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u/SaysPooh 8h ago
my point is she could have had a $1800 ring to keep
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u/vokul_vokundova 8h ago
That's also not okay? The ring is something you accept if you accept the terms that come with it. Even if you change your mind later, it's custom to give the ring back (unless the other party doesn't want it of course)
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u/Breddit2099 Smol pp 8h ago
That’s theft
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u/NewSauerKraus 6h ago
Accepting a gift is not theft.
Unless you mean the diamond is not a gift and is payment for a contract of future sex.
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u/jackalope268 4h ago
But it is very manipulative to say yes to a proposal if you dont intend to get married, just to get the ring
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u/NewSauerKraus 4h ago
Yes. And it's still not theft to accept a gift.
And it's very manipulative to pretend a payment is a gift.
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u/jackalope268 3h ago
I think its kind of a jarring worldview to think an engagement ring is a payment. Its about wanting to spend a future together, and of course that can change, no fault divorce should be legal and acceptable everywhere, but i kind of assume if you say you want to marry a person you would have wanted to marry them regardless of the monetary value of the ring
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u/NewSauerKraus 3h ago
I think it's kind of a jarring worldview to pretend that a transaction is a gift to manipulate someone into agreeing to a proposal, then getting butthurt about them keeping what you said was a gift.
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u/Breddit2099 Smol pp 1h ago edited 1h ago
It’s not a gift, it’s more of a contract.
By law in most states, if the wedding is called off it must be returned to the person to offered the ring.
If they keep it, it’s theft.
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u/NewSauerKraus 6h ago
If you buy a diamond without already explicitly knowing the answer you deserve to get ripped off.
And a public proposal without already explicitly knowing the answer is just begging to be humiliated.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad 7h ago
Does broken heart bro come with the ring to be bro? Like she gets the ring he get a bro
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u/dianarawrz (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃ 3h ago
In my experience, after a time of knowing your partner well enough to see a potential in marriage… the questions about marriage and relationships goals should come up and that’s how you know if you can ask or not. It’s weird people just get married without talking about:
- Marriage
- Kids.
- Politics
- Education
- Relationship goals and expectations
- Personal/ individual goals
It’s like the get mareos because other people get married or that’s what your supposed to do without behaving a proper conversation.
I learned my mum married my dad knowing he didn’t want kids anymore because he already had kids form a previous marriage. And she married him anyway thinking he will change his mind. That’s the most dangerous thing you could ever do. Talk about everything first. If you can’t, they ain’t the person for you.
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u/Melodic_Eagle_5226 3h ago
Fellas, it should never be that much of a surprise.
My former girlfriend once cried because she didn't think I was serious because I was waiting for a certain occasion and being secretive about it. I changed my plans and we've been married 15 years now.
So there's a sweet spot in there somewhere. Remember, the answer should no be a surprise, the where and when are.
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u/sansyboi469 2h ago
You can make it a surprise, but you should ask your partner how they would respond to a proposal before you do it
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u/butareyouthough 55m ago
Tbf if you propose and you aren’t 100% sure she is going to say yes(you’ve discussed your futures, discussed getting married, talked about what you want that to look like) that’s 100% on you.
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u/LionHeartedLXVI This flair doesn't exist 3h ago
I’m finding the comments quite amusing. There seems to be a big assumption here that doesn’t align with reality in my experience. Over half the women I’ve been in a relationship with have brought up marriage. Whilst it’s possible the declined proposal is the first time marriage was mentioned, I find it unlikely.
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u/GundamGuy2255 9h ago
Lower that a bit more, that rock is worthless.
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u/Breddit2099 Smol pp 8h ago
It’s literally not
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u/discoranger1994 7h ago
Whatever you say de beers bot.
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u/Breddit2099 Smol pp 1h ago
Then why does it have a monetary value? Oh right…. Because it has value.
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u/humblefumble101 9h ago
Life lesson. If your girl isn't the type to say yes 100% for you, she's not a good match. Find someone who you know unequivocally will love you. Or be ready for a 50/50 divorce
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u/Kharayoko 8h ago
Or don’t put your loved one in a situation where they’re pressured to say yes against their own wishes.
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u/VariationDry 6h ago
How people think this should be a surprise question still baffles me. You can have conversations about it before and figure out the answer.
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u/Burn0ut2020 9h ago
Life lesson here:
If you ask her in front of your whole family, there is a chance she says no in front of your whole family. Chances are maybe low but never zero.