r/nri • u/Square7338 • 2h ago
Discussion Some uncomfortable observations about our desi religious places in America
TL;DR: Religious places should be about peace, humility, and service, not ego, power trips, and petty hierarchies. Some volunteers seem more interested in asserting authority, pleasing their self-appointed leaders, and publicly humiliating devotees than actually helping them. Volunteering is a privilege, not a license to insult people or inflate your ego. And if it's also a way to fill your otherwise uneventful weekends, please don't act as though you're doing everyone a tremendous favor. Most importantly, what impression does all this leave on young people? We complain that the next generation is losing interest in our traditions, but perhaps we should ask whether such behavior is driving them away.
I have visited quite a few desi religious places in the US, and there is something I have noticed on several occasions that has bothered me. I wonder if others have had similar experiences.
People go to these places for some peace of mind, to pray, to feel connected to their roots and perhaps get away from the everyday stress of life. Unfortunately, sometimes the experience is quite the opposite, not because of the place itself, but because of the attitude of certain volunteers.
Let me first say that there are many sincere and hardworking volunteers who spend their personal time helping the community. I have tremendous respect for them. But there is also another category of volunteers whose behavior makes you wonder whether they are there to serve or to feel important.
One thing I have noticed is this unwritten hierarchy among volunteers. There seem to be a couple of people who behave like they are in charge of everything. Then there is a whole group around them, constantly hovering, moving here and there, looking terribly busy, and seemingly trying to get noticed by these so-called leaders.
It is almost amusing to watch, if it were not for what sometimes follows.
Let some unsuspecting devotee stand in the wrong place, walk in the wrong direction, or unknowingly violate some rule, and suddenly one of these senior volunteers descends upon the person as though some major offense has been committed.
Instead of politely explaining what needs to be done, there is unnecessary scolding, a condescending tone, and sometimes outright public humiliation.
And then, almost on cue, a few of the other volunteers join in. Everybody suddenly has something to say. One person has already given the instruction, but three others feel the need to repeat it, sometimes in an even more authoritative tone.
You get the distinct impression that the intention is not so much to correct a mistake as to make a statement about who is in charge.
Why is all this necessary? If somebody is standing in the wrong line, just tell them politely. If a visitor is unfamiliar with the procedures, help them understand. If there are rules to be followed, by all means enforce them. Nobody is suggesting that a busy religious place should operate without discipline.
But surely there is a difference between maintaining order and treating people as though they are schoolchildren who need to be reprimanded.
And this brings me to something else. Volunteering is an opportunity and a privilege. It is not a license to insult or ridicule people.
Let's be practical. Not everybody who volunteers is making some extraordinary personal sacrifice. For many, it is also a way to spend an otherwise uneventful weekend, meet people, socialize, stay occupied, or feel part of a community.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is a good thing.
But please don't behave as though you are doing every visitor a tremendous personal favor.
If volunteering gives you a reason to get out of the house on a Saturday or Sunday, wonderful. If it helps you build friendships, even better. If it gives you a sense of purpose, that's great too. But none of that entitles you to ridicule, insult, intimidate, or look down upon someone else.
You are not the owner of the place. You are not granting anyone a personal favor by allowing them to enter. And wearing a volunteer badge doesn't automatically make you more important than the person who has come there to pray.
Frankly, sometimes I wonder whether a few people are more interested in the authority that comes with volunteering than in the actual volunteering itself.
And what is with this culture of constantly trying to please the people at the top?
The excessive deference, the hovering around, the eagerness to agree with everything, and the tendency to join in when someone is being reprimanded. It reminds me of the kind of office politics many of us thought we had left behind.
Do we really need to recreate that same environment in our religious places too?
There is another aspect to this which I find even more concerning.
What impression are we leaving on our children and young adults?
Many immigrant families work hard to build a life in this country, raise their children here, and make a conscious effort to keep them connected to their culture and traditions.
We want them to visit these places, participate in community activities, and appreciate the values we grew up with.
But put yourself in the shoes of a young person who has grown up in America.
They visit a religious place and see an older person being rudely spoken to, a family being publicly embarrassed over something trivial, or volunteers behaving as though they belong to some exclusive club with its own hierarchy.
What are they supposed to make of it?
These young people have grown up in an environment where politeness, personal dignity, and respectful communication are generally expected, even when rules are being enforced.
They are not necessarily going to accept rude behavior simply because the person delivering it is older, has been associated with the institution for twenty years, or happens to be on some committee.
And unlike many of us, they may not bother arguing about it.
They will simply stop going.
Then we will sit around discussing why the younger generation is not interested in our religious and cultural institutions anymore.
Perhaps we should sometimes look at the environment we are creating rather than putting all the blame on the younger generation.
I also find it interesting how a little authority can change some people's behavior.
Give someone responsibility for managing a queue, directing visitors, or coordinating an event, and occasionally you see a completely different personality emerge.
Suddenly there is a commanding tone, an expectation of unquestioning obedience, and an attitude that suggests the visitors should be grateful for being allowed to be there.
I have seen people in ordinary professional settings handle far more complicated situations with much greater patience and courtesy.
Surely we can expect at least that much from people volunteering at a religious place.
Nobody expects perfection. Volunteers can get tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed, particularly during busy events. They are human beings too.
But there is a difference between an occasional moment of frustration and a habitual attitude of superiority.
And when several people start behaving this way together, it becomes a culture rather than an isolated incident.
That is when the people running these institutions need to pay attention.
We spend millions building impressive religious facilities. There are elaborate ceremonies, grand celebrations, fundraising drives, and constant efforts to expand buildings and attract more devotees.
All of that is fine.
But shouldn't we spend at least some effort making sure that the ordinary person walking through the door is treated with basic courtesy and respect?
What good is a beautiful religious place if somebody leaves feeling humiliated over a minor mistake?
What is the point of talking about humility and service if some of the people representing the institution seem to have forgotten both?
I am not suggesting that this happens everywhere, or that all volunteers behave this way. Far from it. Some of the nicest and most helpful people I have met have been volunteers at these very places.
But the behavior of a few can leave a lasting impression, particularly when others around them silently encourage it.
And perhaps that is the real problem. Not just the individual who behaves rudely, but the little ecosystem that develops around such people, where nobody questions them and others try to imitate them.
I find myself increasingly valuing simple courtesy over titles, positions, seniority, and all these artificial hierarchies.
A person who quietly helps an elderly visitor find a seat is doing more meaningful service, in my view, than someone who spends the entire day loudly directing people and reminding everybody who is in charge.
And one final thing to those who take their volunteer positions a little too seriously.
If you are spending your weekend volunteering, good for you. But please remember that you are there by choice. You are not doing the rest of us a personal favor, and you certainly haven't earned the right to insult someone just because you have given up a few hours of your Sunday.
A little humility and basic decency would go a long way.
People come to these places with faith and respect. The least they deserve in return is to be treated with the same respect.
I am curious whether others have noticed this kind of behavior at desi religious places in the US, or whether my experiences have been unusual.
And more importantly, do we ever stop to think about what message all this sends to the next generation?
