r/offmychest • u/Busy-Alternative-521 • 19h ago
I Found Out That My Mother Is Intellectually Disabled
I love my mother, but often, when I was growing up, I would be incredibly frustrated by the fact that she didn't seem to understand anything. We would watch films together and she couldn't tell me what the film was about after. She didn't know. She never understood metaphor and she never grasped basic financial understanding or learned how to drive.
My father married my mother when she was eighteen and he was 29. I always questioned the power dynamics at play because of their age difference, and as I grew older I began to question my mother's behaviours as well.
Yesterday, while talking to my grandmother I found out that my mother was diagnosed with an intellectual disability when she was fourteen years old. My grandmother assumed that my father had told me. He never did.
My mother has never seemed to have any trouble completing domestic tasks. She has always been a stay-at-home mother and me and my older sister were always well taken care of as children.
In other ways, I feel as though I was neglected. I could never really ask my mother to comfort me, because if I told her that I was upset, she would just burst into tears on the ground. Even though my mother and I have always spent lots of time with each other, and it would seem as though we are very 'close', I feel a weird sense of disconnect from her.
When I was young, I found my mother really fun, and so did a lot of other kids as her interests have always been quite 'childlike'. She always got just as excited as me and my sister to play at the playground, or dress up as princesses.
As I got older, I became interested in things that my mother couldn't understand at all. She would get upset when I would want to read books instead of playing games with her. She struggled immensely watching me and my sister get older, because I think that to her, it seemed like we were leaving her behind.
I hate to admit it, but I became embarrassed of her. I never wanted my friends to come over to my house because I was ashamed of my mother's interests, and the fact that her lack of social understanding made her treat everyone as though they were great friends with her.
Sometimes, when I was being a typical angsty teenager, I would really lash out at her verbally, and she had no way of coping, so she would just start kicking and screaming on the floor. I wish that I'd known at the time that she genuinely didn't understand half of what I would be going on about, it would have saved a lot of tears I think, on my end and hers.
I also don't know how to feel towards my father. Honestly, he sounds quite predatory to me, going after a woman significantly younger and intellectually disabled. She's essentially forced into a role of submission towards him.
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u/WishDefiant 15h ago
I completely understand you. I grew up similarly. My mother was intellectually disabled as well. Hers was due to cancer treatment affecting her brain development back in the 60s. My father took advantage of it by having many affairs and other abuses towards her. I was embarrassed of her even though I knew deep down something wasn’t quite right.
She passed when I was 24. I’m 42 now. I look back now and realize that while how I grew up wasn’t right, she loved me as best as she could. I can still feel her hand caress my face while she was in hospice when she couldn’t talk anymore. That simple gesture likely took massive effort for her.
I wish I could’ve been kinder. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I know you didn’t ask for it but my best advice is to be kind to yourself and her. It’s so hard but someday, you’ll have peace. And so will she.
Feel free to reach out if you want to talk.
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u/Broomie2870 17h ago
You should find out exactly what her diagnosis is. Depending on how long ago it was it might’ve be best to have her reevaluated. Then knowing what the diagnosis is ask the doctor for recommendations on resources to help her and you deal with it. Check your local area for special needs services like counseling and support. You need to know what you are dealing with to help her and your family. Maybe you can start with your university. See if they have a counselor you can talk to. I know it can be physically and emotionally draining to care for someone with disabilities, don’t be afraid to reach out get help.
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u/themosh666 17h ago
Doesn't sound like her mum needs much in the way of care. Cooking, cleaning, looking after herself and others. Seems more like a communication barrier. She cant see the world through her mother's eyes and her mum cant see it through hers. So yes, definitely update a diagnosis. Could be much better treatments these days
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u/cats_and_tea7 18h ago
I could empathise with your feelings, although I don't think it's at your mother's level, I'm almost certain that my father has some level of intellectual disability. His only good aspect is his social skills, but he is almost incapable of sound reasoning. You can explain the simplest concepts to him over and over again and he still wouldn't understand, it's aggravating, but you know there is nothing you can do about it except accept it. Although I do kind of wonder if it's just a severe case of weaponised incompetence, it's really hard to tell with him.
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u/Para_The_Normal 16h ago
My mom recently was diagnosed with Autism and that was kind of a punch in the gut for me to finally understand why she didn’t have the empathy or understanding I needed growing up.
It definitely has changed the way I view my mother and our relationship so I can certainly sympathize with you only now learning this information.
I do hope this will allow you to have a better relationship and understanding of your mother moving forward.
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u/larhinosomes 10h ago
I work with people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
It sounds like you have a lot of empathy and understanding for your mother. It definitely sounds like she tried hard to be a good parent and teach you what she could (cooking, games, housework). People with mild intellectual disabilities can do well with essential life skills when they are taught them properly and have them reinforced throughout their life.
She’s probably aware of her own deficits even if she can’t verbally express them. She may also be deeply ashamed of them. Her family may have been ashamed, too. Just wondering, was your grandmother helpful to her when she was raising you?
It is unfortunate that she struggled to parent you as you grew older. I am not surprised to hear she has immature emotional reactions to conflict. It must have been very confusing to you as a child and as you grew older.
This may be inappropriate to say, but I am impressed with both of you. I don’t know how old you are, but until recently there was scant support for people like your mother. I’m impressed she was able to rise you as a mother and not have the state intervene. However, it’s unfortunate you didn’t receive the proper emotional support from your mother as you aged.
It also sounds like, due to your mother’s disabilities, you are very emotionally mature. I saw from some of your other comments that you understand your relationship with her may be limited, and this is likely true. There will probably be a lot of things she can not advise you on or understand. A lot of support she may not be able to give. It seems you understand she did her best given the deficits she had.
I would see if you could get more information from your grandmother, if possible. Like even how much your mom knows. What her schooling and early life looked like. If this is your maternal grandmother, it sounds like she did a good job preparing your mom for parenthood.
I don’t have much to say about your father, at least nothing good. Your mother’s disability combined with the age gap puts his morals into question. Also, him not explaining your mom’s disability in age appropriate ways throughout your life was a huge miss. He should have stepped up and provided the support she couldn’t give.
I am glad you were able to get some answers regarding your mother’s behavior. I hope it provides some closure to you about why she is the way she is. It can definitely be a shock because of the misconception that someone with an intellectual disability cannot be a parent.
It’s worth noting, we do not know what causes most cases of intellectual disability, especially milder presentations that aren’t connected to a genetic syndrome. I know you didnt express this concern, but I would not be concerned about heritability.
You sound like a very kind, compassionate and understanding person. Your mother is lucky to have you as her child.
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u/Busy-Alternative-521 3h ago
My mother had always exhibited symptoms of impaired reasoning and understanding as a child according to my grandmother, however it wasn't until she was fourteen in 1996 that her exact capabilities were assessed and she was given the diagnosis of 'mild mental retardation' (which is obviously now referred to as intellectual disability for obvious reasons). A year later, my grandmother pulled my mother out of school, she'd never really grasped much apart from basic reading and arithmetic anyways.
When my mother was seventeen, she met my father in church and they got married about six months later. I didn't spend a lot of time with any of my grandparents growing up because we lived about three hours away, but my grandmother is currently visiting and was talking about my mother's intellectual disability.
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u/Substantial-Desk-254 18h ago edited 18h ago
Sweetheart, you can’t beat yourself up for being frustrated or embarrassed about your mom’s intellectual disability when you had no idea that she had one to begin with; that’s entirely on your parents (really more so your father) for not telling you.. Also, teenagers be teenaging - you’re FLOODED with hormones, and your brain is still developing - I think almost every adult would agree, having once been teenagers themselves, that teenagers are still kids, more than they are adults. I’m not saying that being unkind at that age is necessarily okay - but it IS understandable. And very much forgivable.
Your mom loves you, and i guarantee that she’s glad that she got to be your mom, and wouldn’t change it for anything. Being your mom brought a lot of joy into her life that she wouldn’t have otherwise gotten to experience; true, it also made her sad or confused sometimes - but that’s just life/relationships, regardless of the intellectual abilities involved. Every day/interaction isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows - and that’s okay, as long as you spent most of your time/most of that relationship in the sun.
As for the situation with your dad, I agree that the age thing was predatory. However, as for her disability, I’ve read books and seen media about inter-intellectually-abled couples, and the consensus seems to be, as far as the intellectually disabled parties go: they dont want to be infantilized, or to be condemned to a life of watching with their noses pressed against the glass, while their siblings and peers (age wise) grow up, date, get jobs, get married, have kids, start their own families in their own homes, etc. There was a time when “allowing” intellectually disabled people to marry, move out, start families, and even work was essentially unheard of. From the POV of the people I’d read about/watched, they felt they deserved to fall in love, experience having their first apartment/home, raise children of their own, and basically just have autonomy over their lives - just like anyone else; finding that with other similarly-abled people just isnt always possible, and sometimes, it happens where you fall in love with someone that others don’t expect or approve of or understand.
Granted, their disability DOES make them especially vulnerable to abuse and exploitation, and it creates an inherent power imbalance - but if that power isn’t abused, and if that person isnt being mistreated by their partner, if they feel loved and safe and cared for, and if they’re happy with their life, i say: let them live it. (If you feel that your dad mistreats your mom, then that’s another thing entirely, and you should absolutely bring that to your grandma. If it’s more mild abuses of power - like not abusive, but also not quite fair or right, maybe bring them to your dad. You can also involve your sister in the discussion, to back you up)
Also, if you want to make it up to your mom, your teenage years - spend more time with her. All of the moms with adult kids who I personally know - the good ones, anyways (mine was not) - if you asked what they wanted most from their kids, it’d just be to hear from and seen them more often… Maybe do something you used to do with her when you were little - the things she likes to do, which you outgrew.
And finally, a bad daughter wouldn’t be so worried about how she treated her mom, was it fair, how did it make her feel, is she ok/being taken advantage of, etc… You’re a good daughter, and shes lucky to have you - even with the teenaging in your teen years.
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u/amberalert23 10h ago
I’m so sorry. This sounds like such a hard situation.
My mom has a very low IQ, but I don’t think she’s ID. She is probably autistic as well though. It made for a very troubling childhood. She got angry easily and took it out on us kids. Once I was older and, admittedly, a high achiever, she accused me of trying to be better than her. I’m not sure if she lacks empathy or just doesn’t like me, but even as an adult she doesn’t engage with me or ask personal questions. She only talks about herself. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a low IQ-can’t hold a reciprocal conversation way.
It’s tough. But you’re clearly tougher and have come out the other side okay.
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u/dounotheway2sanjose 18h ago
I'm so sorry this is something you're learning about now and I can only imagine how hard it must be. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Wildflower (2022 film starring Kiernan Shipka), but it immediately came to mind reading your story. It explores a lot of the things you described experiencing and feeling about your mom. I don't know if it would be something you're interested in or something that might hit too close to home, but felt compelled to share.
Wherever you're journey takes you as you navigate this new truth, I hope you're able to heal and reconcile what you've experienced with your mom with the new information you now know that contributes to your experiences.
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u/Anxious-Sky-7330 17h ago
This has to be so tough to cope with and I commend you for the measured way you’re coming to terms with it. I wonder if there are any support groups out there for your situation or individual counseling available to help with processing your understandably complicated feelings.
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u/Sunnygirl66 17h ago
I would seek therapy. You have a lot to unpack, and it’s unfair to resent your mother for her disability and the fact that she was victimized by your father and your grandparents. It sounds like she loves you deeply and did well by you as you were growing up. When you and your sister are gone, what is she going to have left, except a husband who holds her in contempt? She might have some interesting things to say if she were to join you for a session or two. I suspect your father is distant because he never got a son and sees you and your sister as inferior but resents that you’re getting an education.
Sending a big hug your way.
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u/NAMMANNAMMAN 14h ago
Last sentence abt son & education- where dis that come from? Did OP allude to it?!?
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u/griff_girl 18h ago
I agree that it would've been immensely helpful for you to understand as a teen why your mother's behavior was the way it was. I also think it's totally understandable that you would question the integrity of your parents' relationship given their differences age and I assume intellectual capacity.
Another view to consider is that your father didn't tell you because he wanted to protect her and give her the most "normal" life possible. I can't imagine that choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is developmentally disabled is any easy feat, much less also raising children with them. Is it possible that your dad genuinely loved and still loves your mom, and it wasn't predatory?
I think there's a lot for you to unpack, and it's well worth an honest conversation with your father so you can learn more about it all before really locking onto an opinion.
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u/Busy-Alternative-521 18h ago
My father has always been extremely distant from my sister and I. I never really understood why my parents even got married to each other because my father often got angry at my mother for her lack of understanding. He already has some very concerning views about women and was extremely hostile to me for my decision to go to university. I find it really difficult to talk to him because he's really judgemental towards me, and takes minimal interest into how I feel.
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u/appleorchard317 18h ago
Don't listen to this person. Please protect yourself. I am really very sorry about this, op. You were not told so he could cover his tracks, that much is clear. Big hugs. I hope going forward yiu find a relationship you can enjoy more with your mother.
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u/griff_girl 17h ago
Aw, that's super shitty, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you understand I wasn't trying to invalidate or discount you; not knowing this bit if history you just shared, I was just trying to present the possibility of a different perspective. It sounds like I was being overly optimistic, and I'm sorry if it came off as dismissive. It sounds like you really got short-changed growing up, which must've been incredibly confusing at the time and absolutely incensing as an adult. I'm really sorry you were put in a place to have to navigate that. Sending love and support to the ether to you & your sibling.
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u/appleorchard317 18h ago
A 29 yo marrying an 18 yo would always be creepy. An intellectually disabled 18 yo to boot... What could it be but predatory?
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u/griff_girl 17h ago
I didn't know the whole situation or if it was like 1955 or something where that was more of a social norm — although that said, predatory behavior was more normalized back then too, so I'm not discounting you.
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u/Busy-Alternative-521 17h ago
My parents got married in 2000. Definitely not a social norm. Looking back, I think part of why my grandparents were so happy for my mother to marry my father was because they didn't want to keep looking after her.
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u/Sturdy_Cliff5403 4h ago
wondering if your sister found out before you and just never said anything because that would explain a lot about how she acted around your mom growing up
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u/Yiyiyiyu 10h ago
I’m so so so sorry this is so hard. You sound like a great person from how you’ve taken it. I wish you well expressed and understood feelings and finally peace with it all 🙏
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u/Hate2bHurting 17h ago
Relationships are complicated, your mom has issues and so does your dad, no one is perfect, we just have to shift our perspective.
There is a lot of places in the world where this would be perfect, other places it would be totally foreign, it depends on the era at the time, the location, a lot of unpredictable possibilities.
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u/LifeOfBoredomsFriend 23m ago
I fear a lot of relationships (at least from my observations as a young man of other figured (young and old). I fear many (not most) will tend to be with people “under” them with a unknowing intention, weather it’d be for control, or ego stroking. But I guess that, as long as it is harmless to the one “under”, and in intention, then I guess it can’t be something which is bad? Only something as a sign of their personality.
Hopefully you can process those earlier feelings of distance from your mother, and maybe better connect or have a better time with her in the time you still have!
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u/tigestoo 19h ago
I'm so sorry. That's such a sad situation. So many missed opportunities for mutual understanding and connection between the two of you.
Now that you know, do you think there's a way you can improve your relationship moving forward?
It's very hard when your Mum seems more of a dependant than a mentor. Been there, for different reasons. My Mum never developed social skills or even some basic life skills, like using an ATM.