r/polyamory • u/MeanGrape1007 • 21h ago

vent Can’t find happiness for my partner talking to someone new

I 36m have been with my wife 37f for 17 years. We entered the lifestyle in our 20’s “before kids” went mono for several years while our kids were younger. Opened to poly just over two years ago.

I cannot find happiness for my wife talking to a new person to the point it makes me physically sick to think about them even talking. I know we are solid in our relationship but still can’t shake the feeling of inadequacy.

I want to feel happy for her and her feel comfortable sharing her experiences with me.

15 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

10 comments sorted by

23

u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 21h ago

You don’t need to be actively happy. Equanimity and not caring much is fine. You don’t need to hear all about who she dates.

0

u/Unlucky-Block9044 12h ago

Don't need to be happy? Can you elaborate?

8

u/ceecuee 12h ago

Neutral is fine 🤷‍♀️

18

u/doublenostril 20h ago

I know this post is a vent. But you don’t have to stay in relationships that make you physically sick. It’s okay to decide this isn’t how you want to do love, and make a different choice if that’s what’s right for you.

5

u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 17h ago

You may not be able to "make" yourself feel happy for her - nor can you "make" her feel differently than she does. If she's genuinely happy with what's happening, and you are genuinely not, it's possible you are not compatible anymore. It does happen (happened to me after 25 years and we divorced - and survived). If you really think polyamory is deep down something you want for yourself and for her, then you'll need to do a lot more research and/or therapy to get there. But that's not what I'm hearing from you. I'm sorry.

1

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Here's the original text of the post:

I 36m have been with my wife 37f for 17 years. We entered the lifestyle in our 20’s “before kids” went mono for several years while our kids were younger. Opened to poly just over two years ago.

I cannot find happiness for my wife talking to a new person to the point it makes me physically sick to think about them even talking. I know we are solid in our relationship but still can’t shake the feeling of inadequacy.

I want to feel happy for her and her feel comfortable sharing her experiences with me.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

0

u/[deleted] 20h ago edited 20h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/polyamory-ModTeam 20h ago

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user, or made a request for direct messages.

0

u/Affectionate-Fig729 20h ago

Hey man, thanks for venting and sharing. 33m here and just wondering if you have brought this up to her? Or possibly set boundaries of what your ok with hearing?

Also adding in that im still new to this so any advise I provide may or may not be great.

1

u/clairejv 10h ago

Do you feel inadequate in other circumstances?