Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/OzrfFzkntR

https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1wdp1qr/comment/p97jytp/

ETA or NAH overall

Original Post (3 years ago)

I (36M) met my ex-wife (33F) when I was 25. We fell in love and the children came sooner than we planned but it just happened and I love the hell out of my children (9F and, 7M , and 5F). First few years of our relationship was great but then it wasn’t. Looking back, it wasn’t anyone’s fault we just became very different people.

After 5F our sex life became nonexistent. It felt like for my wife, the purpose of fucking me was done now we have three beautiful children. After 3 years we started having sex again in a form of mercy hand jobs in bed. It wasn’t enough for me. But she told me that she is tired and busy with 3 small children.

I was tired too but I was more than prepared to make effort to make plans and time for romance (not only sex that suffered but even intimacy and romance). I had vasectomy so ex-wife didn’t need to take unnecessary hormones because we were done having children.

When it started affecting our children, seeing us very irritated and cold towards each other, I thought I should man up and pull the plug. We haven’t been happy or intimate since before our second was born. And we haven’t had real sex since we conceived our youngest. We should have ended it way earlier but the guilt of breaking the children’s home was heavy until I noticed that our home was already broken and my children aren’t stupid not to see the tape we’re trying to hold it together with.

I asked for divorce. Everyone told me I was mad and to think about the children and it was very hard in the beginning yes. I left the house for my ex. I rented a 2 bedroom nearby and we started doing one week each. I was positively surprised at how much happier the children became seeing me happy and not easily irritated and brooding.

I started seeing my GF (F40) about a year ago and what was thought to be a casual one-time thing turned out to be the love of my life. She is amazing in every aspect: kind, loving, successful, funny and so fucking beautiful. She is child free and she was happy that I was done having children.

On my child free weeks, I can just be with her. Just being me. Late breakfasts in bed. Morning sex. Wherever I want in the home. I know it makes me sound like a selfish douche but on my weeks, I give 100% because I’m content and happy with life. She has met my children too and they adore her. Why this lengthy background? I’ll tell you.

My ex (and my ex mother in law and my own mother behind her) has been hinting that maybe we should go back together now. The children are older, we are less tired and we are much happier now so we aren’t going to fight all the time like we used to. She wants a real relationship too and she will give me as much sex as I wanted (wow is that really what she thinks I want? More mercy fucks for my sake?) Think of the children. Ex is tired of being a single mom while I’m playing a bachelor every other week. Give them their old safe home back. No need for hopping from place to place.

While the guilt was nagging at me, I rejected her advances and ignored her and the guilt because I’m happy for the first time in years, maybe ever. Until Friday when my gf came home crying. She asked me maybe we should break up and that she doesn’t want to be in the way of my and my children’s happiness. She asked me if I still was in love with my ex. It broke my heart to see her broken like I didn’t do a good job showing her what she meant to me and how much I loved her.

Turned out ex-wife has contacted her telling her that she was the reason we aren’t back together and the children are suffering. That we love each other and she is “my fun” for now.

I called my ex livid and she called me selfish. I then told her that being a part time dad was the best thing that ever happened to me because I’m a human not only a father. My ex-wife started crying. I apologized for hurting her but she hung up. Now I’m being bombed by my mom and the rest that I’m a selfish man and a terrible father. My mom even sent me a video with my children where she asked them how they would feel if mommy and daddy moved back together and they were so happy saying yes and jumping.

I can’t forget my daughter’s face lighting up with happiness at the prospect. This video was sent to my gf as well and now she is distant and broken. I hear her cry whenever she thinks I don’t hear her.

Am I being wrong here. Am I being a terrible parent? What my family doesn’t understand is that my children’s happiness now is the result of me leaving our toxic depressing existence but how can you explain that to small children?

Comment 1: Op, any child of divorce will say yes when asked that question (do they want their parents back together). I know I did.

But did I want to really live like that again walking on eggshells because of the atmosphere in our home, when my parents were together? HELL NO! I hated it; it was horrible,

Your kids like seeing you happy and some arsehole in their family is lying to them that you would still be this happy if you got back with the mother.

Your kids know it won't be like that but are probably too scared to say no. They are happy you are happy, you tried your best do not go back it won't change and how did I know as soon as you said your girlfriend was upset that she had been contacted by your ex this is a nasty move on her part

This is disgusting what they are doing to your kids tell her to knock it off or you will contact a lawyer she is filling the kids head with crap. Good luck to you just keep being a good dad when you have them and having a good time when you don't you have balance and do not give that up yes it broke your heart to see your daughter's face but that video was sent for that reason blackmail.

She is sick you get one life and if you are happy kids are happy then that my friend is a win good luck tell your girlfriend your sorry they got to her but you are not going anywhere.

OP's Reply: Fuck this hit close to home. My children literally were walking on eggshells not knowing when their mother and I would have a row (even when we tried not to fight in front of them) and the guilt they felt because somehow, they believed they were the reason for these rows.

Comment 2: Bingo. He’s happy now, she can’t stand the thought of him being happy without her.

Exact same thing happened with my husband and his ex. She wouldn’t give him the time of day until he met me and started acting like himself and suddenly ex couldn’t handle it. Used the kids to guilt him, fucked them up pretty good, had me thinking all kinds of messed up things about myself and our relationship, and had him questioning everything. And she’s the one who asked for divorce!

OP do not go back to your ex. Firmly tell her to stop manipulating you, your kids, and your gf. It’s gonna get rough, but stay firm with your boundaries. And don’t hide things from your kids! Be direct with them as they get older “mommy and daddy both love you all very very much but we just don’t love each other anymore. Mommy is sad about that, and that’s ok, however her behavior is not ok.” And please please stay devoted to your gf if you are as happy together as it sounds like you are. You both deserve happiness.

Comment 3: Question: are you and the mom shouldering equal responsibility for your kids? Like, are you taking them shopping for new shoes, remembering to schedule their dentist appointments, handling school emails...etc?

OP’s Reply: Almost all these things are done by me. Even on her weeks I drive the children to school because she doesn’t want to get up early

Comment 4: OP listen. Calm down. You're spiraling. You're not bad. You took a health approach for your children.

Stabilize yourself by telling yourself you're actually in the right and they're all in the wrong. Here's how:

• Trying to get back together when you've already moved on
• Forcing you to get back together by blackmail
• Messing with the children's well-being to get at you
• Sabotaging your relationship
• Putting a wedge between your relationship with your children
• Destabilize a stable situation

... I could go on.

Right now, is time for action. If your gf is the one, look at formalizing marriage.

Get custody sorted more aggressively for yourself.

Stop visitation for both grandmothers.

Lawyer lawyer lawyer.

UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for the advice and suggestions. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of the support I got here. Here is my updated but before that I want to address the elephant in the room and that is that I have stepped on my toes with my bold statement about being divorced.

I think the more expected and virtuous approach is to be devastated and guilt ridden. My experience is something else however and I really tried to be genuine and honest here.

Divorce is hard and terrifying. Many people (both men and women) hesitate and stay way longer than necessary because of one reason or another. I can’t tell all unhappy people to get divorced since I don’t know yall’s situation but for those who can, do it. I was trying to explain what I have discovered.

The positive side of having shared custody because only the negative is talked about. I’m sure many divorced people get what I meant by having every other week child free is awesome. We are humans with feelings. Our love for our children doesn’t stop or take a break when they’re out of sight. They don’t need to be present for us to love and think about them. I will double down and say that being a part time parent is just awesome no matter the gender. It is ok to feel that way. You are not a lesser parent for it.

I have talked to my mother about what she did. She was very remorseful. Apparently, dad has had a talk with her about this too (he was shocked at what she’s done) and she seems to have realized the seriousness of what she done.

I took her apology but I was firm on my boundaries and that I didn’t want her to be in my childrens’ life for a while, until I have sorted out their feelings and talked to them.

She was reluctant to acknowledge my gf however and I made it clear that after the children she is my priority before myself and definitely before her(mom) so how much she wants to be in my life depends on how much she respects my life and the people I love.

I have talked to my ex-wife too. I made it clear that under no circumstances is she ever to contact my gf again. I told her that this was still a new relationship and any contact is going to be with me. I told her that my gf has nothing to do with my decision of divorce. I have no romantic feelings for her and that I know she doesn’t have any feelings for me either. She wants me out of convenience. I don’t. She started crying and telling me that I didn’t get to tell her what she’s feeling (poster note: She's mad she got called out for it). I agreed and apologized.

I told her then I will only speak on my behalf. I want us to be friends and to raise our children to be the great people they’re on the path to becoming. I don’t want them to be used at pawns in this sick game she and the mothers are playing. I will not allow it and will do whatever it takes to protect them.

I suggested that we can start family therapy because I needed her to understand the turmoil her and my mother put our children through. I never want that to happen again. She told me that she didn’t want my gf to be in their lives yet because she didn’t know her.

Fair enough but I reminded her that our agreement is that when a relationship is serious, that’s when we introduced our new partners to our children. And this is going to happen eventually so she better get used to it.

I also talked to her about me not going to take her workload on her weeks meaning that I won’t be dropping by every morning to wake up the children and take them to school. She will have to start waking up in the morning like any other parent out there. About the food, I will still send home cooked food with my children on the weeks they’re with her because I know that I can’t demand her to cook but at the same time I don’t want my children to eat junk food.

About me mentioning that her home is a pigsty, I know that my eldest daughter has mentioned that it wasn’t always pleasant at mommy’s house but again, now I don’t live there to clean, I can’t demand my ex to live in a way she doesn’t want to.

I have however offered that the Fridays my children go home to her to spend the week, I will send a cleaning service so the children have a somewhat clean environment. She agreed. She was angry about having to wake up early however because she usually starts work at 10am. I guess she will have to adjust.

About my gf. We were supposed to spend the coming weekend together with the children but I will respect my ex-wife’s wishes for now at least until we have gone to some sessions with the children and I can bring it up again. She is spending the rest of this week with me however. I know that she feels guilty.

I have tried to explain that she has nothing to do with whatever happened and that she was dragged into this situation without any reason because with or without her I would never go back to my old life. That I left this marriage before I even knew she existed. I don’t know if she believed me or felt reassured she just said that she loved me. I apologized to her and I will try to make her feel comfortable with me again. I guess this is one of these tests relationships hit and we shall see if our connection is strong enough to overcome this. I think it is.

If I forgot anything just ask.

Comment 1: Holy crap on a cracker?? You’ve been going to her house every day to get the kids ready for school? No wonder she thought she still had reason to think she was still in control.

Also make sure the counselor understands that the point of the sessions are for post-divorce co-parenting. DO NOT let your ex try to make it a reconciliation. Show the counselor the videos and all the other shenanigans your ex and both mothers have done. You should also let your ex know that your own mother is on restriction because of their crap.

Good luck!

Comment 2 Thread:

I’m just wondering why you don’t have full custody when you’re the one doing everything. I’m sorry, but it’s ridiculous that you were driving over there every day to make sure your kids got ready for school when it is literally her job to take care of her own children. Even more ridiculous that you were having to bring food because she won’t cook for her own children.

Document everything and keep crew in case you need to take her to court.

Reply:  Court systems have this "better with both" policy, at least that's what I always called it. They'll push for equal time for both parents even if one parent is proven unfit - then it'll be reduced to weekends for that parent. It takes "legit" abuse and neglect for the court to acknowledge a parent is unfit, which I hate so much.

Comment 3:

Using children as weapons in a co- parent relationship is the lowest of the low… Op WELLDONE for telling mom and ex how wrong they are and standing up for your gf. Maybe a worth talking to your lawyer about what your children have said about how messy the house is and your sending home-cooked meals and cleaning materials over there.?

Reply:

Yeah, I don’t think OP is focusing on this enough. His ex is willing to cause emotional trauma to his children in order to try to manipulate him. There’s no other way to describe amping them up about “daddy moving back home”. It’s sickening.

https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/29qca8/nsfw_he_had_no_friends_for_a_reason/

I 28 (M), work the front desk at 2 hotels in one building. We had a professional sports team planning to stay with us for three months as they are preparing for the season. The owner of the hotel sent up an assistant manager to “help us” and give suggestions to best prepare for them. When I tell you he came in hot is an understatement. Upon his arrival, he checked into a room, demanding I take his bags to his room for him. I was working alone and had 25 more check-ins that night. I grabbed him a luggage cart and explained why I couldn’t leave my post. Less than 15 minutes later, he was back with photos and complaints about the state of the room. His only complaint was a line of dust on the top of the door frame. He showed me at least 10 pictures of the line of dust. This man is 5’3 in boots. (all love to the short kings) He had to climb and be looking for an issue with this room. I apologized and saw we had many rooms to move him to. I did that. Didn’t hear from him again that day. 

The next day, he stormed into the lobby while I was helping a guest move rooms after their room was too loud, as it was next to the highway and their baby couldn’t sleep. He stepped in front of me and told them that due to their minimal status, I couldn’t do this for them. Then he pulled me into the back while the guests were standing at the front desk. He tried to explain to me how status works and how we will be roleplaying this situation back later in the night. I walked out and moved their room. He then yelled at me for allowing that to happen. I informed him that he, as my manager rather worry about people and not status, plus we had 45 open rooms. He stormed off, cursing me out under his breath. 

The next day we were having a normal conversation talking about sports. We got back on the topic of work as he assigned me tasks that the general manager, or even the front desk manager, would do. I jokingly said, “Look, that sounds like something the front desk manager would take care of. I’m just the front desk guy.” he slammed his hand on the desk, telling me how he is getting pushback from everyone here. Either people need to get in line, or there's the door.” I tried to de-escalate; that didn’t work out well. He started demanding respect and that people follow his orders. I let him know, “Respect is earned, not given.” he agreed with that statement, then said, “But I am your superior, and I demand your respect.” At that point, I said the conversation was not productive and returned to my front desk station. He followed me out of the office, calling me a “coward and a pussy.” I chuckled and continued performing my duties. He repeatedly and aggressively taunted me, telling me to call our general manager, despite my attempt to avoid disturbing her on her day off.

Later that night, while assisting a guest by delivering milk to their room, he asked where the walkie‑talkie was. I informed him of its location and continued assisting the guest. He was constantly on the phone while he had been here, so I believed he was speaking to whoever he is on the phone with. As I was at the guest door, it hit me he may have been talking to me. I walked to where he was to ask him what he needed. He was nowhere to be found. My bartender was in the area, so I walked over to ask her if she heard what he may have needed. The “manager” barrels out of the elevator screaming, “YEAH, HE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!” accusing me of not listening to him, being disrespectful, and being insubordinate. I tried to calm him down and asked what he originally needed from me. He wanted the cleaner, who had just taken the first break of his double shift (it was 8:30 PM), to pick up towels that he had walked past 5 TIMES. I informed him that the cleaner was on his break and I was more than willing to clean it up. That sent him off. Telling me, “My job is to stand behind the desk and not speak until someone walks up to me. You are a puppet.” I asked him, “So you walked past those towels 5 times, and it didn’t cross your mind to pick them up?” His response? “That’s not his job; he’s here to make changes.” That's when I let him have. The greatest insult that just came out of my mouth. Didn’t think of it; it just slipped out. “Damn dude, you must be a C-section baby, the way you avoid labor.”

He fired me on the spot. Laughing in his face, I told him "You have no authority over me. My job is not in danger in the slightest. I’ve been here for two months, and I have over 45 glowing reviews about me.” After he told me to go home or he’s threatening to call the cops on me, I realized that his shift was ending and I still had 3.5 hours left. I’m just gonna go home and make him work the desk. Where he doesn’t know what to do.  

On my way out, I told him, “This my way of the highway approach doesn’t work here. We are a team, and we look out for each other.” He went on to tell me how I'm not a leader and never will be. I will be without a job, a life, or anyone to love me. Here’s where I know I'm the asshole: I told him, “Damn, Caroline (Outkast reference, saying he thinks his shit don’t stink), your Napoleonic complex is showing,” walking out, waving to him as he hurled childish taunts at me. 

Turns out I was right: when he tried to have my coworkers write a report to corporate about me, they all said they didn’t see or hear anything. Told you we look out for each other.