r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA_notattract • 22d ago
My (43m) wife (40f) has had too much cosmetic surgery. I couldn’t have sex with her so we opened the marriage for her. A year later she wants to close it again. How to navigate?
I posted on here about a year ago that my wife has had too much cosmetic surgery and I was no longer attracted to her. I kept making excuses but eventually told her that she doesn’t look or feel like my wife anymore and I can’t do it. She said she didn’t want to be in a sexless marriage so we agreed to open it for her. I felt relieved if I’m honest as I still love her and never want to spend a day without her.
Over the past year she’s been with a couple of men and I thought she was enjoying herself. I’ve not been with anyone else and have no desire to.
Well last night she came to me and said she wants to close the relationship again and just wants sex with me and if I can’t do that she wants to divorce.
How do I get through this? I don’t want to lose her but I can’t force an attraction either.
TLDR: opened up the marriage as I don’t find my wife attractive tube after too much cosmetic surgery. She now wants to close it again and have sex with me but I can’t do it.
Edit; I’ve been told to add this to the post body. She used to get compared to Una Healey a lot. Now she constantly gets told she looks like Katie Price.
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u/loloannd 22d ago
Just get a divorce. You’re both trapped in this marriage.
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u/Spankh0us3 21d ago
Hello? Is everyone just going to rule out doggie?
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u/lurker-at-heart 21d ago
Maybe bbl was one of the surgeries?
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u/SarahGrace1983 21d ago
what's bbl?
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u/NoMaskAsslessChaps 21d ago
Brazilian butt lift
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u/miss_j_bean 4d ago
Thank you for this, I never knew what it meant and was too scared to ask. I have read it as "big booty lady" which wasn't too far off
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u/StopTheCapYurr 21d ago
You forget that botched BBL’s and weird tummy tucks are one of the main unattractive cosmetic surgeries
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u/Buzobuzobuzo 21d ago
What doggie?
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u/Bowling4rhinos 22d ago
Right? I mean, come on, OP. You're on Reddit asking strangers opinions of a personal but failing relationship and then being defensive about it.
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u/cem2256 22d ago
Came here to say exactly this. Two years after I asked to open I’m finally getting divorced. Wish I hadn’t waited.
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u/Madruck_s 22d ago
Took my wife 2 weeks to ask for a seperation after she wanted to open our marrage.
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u/cem2256 22d ago
My request was the bargaining phase of grief. I had seriously unmet emotional, sexual and general physical needs for over a decade. Stuck around through years of therapy and effort because I believed I could make it better.
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u/Madruck_s 22d ago
Same with her although it was mostly emotional needs. After the seperation she jumped into a new relationship super quick and they where both full on love bombing eachother, etc. I truly hope she finds happiness but I dont think shes going about it the right way.
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u/cem2256 22d ago
Well for the suffering that caused you I am truly sorry brother. Take the lessons you feel like belong to you and try and let her go. You deserve joy too.
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u/axialmeow12 22d ago
Omg what the hell did she have done???
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
Lip fillers, nose job, buccal fat removal, something to her eyes that made them look like a cats eyes, teeth, and boobs.
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u/Sad-Frosting-3843 22d ago
That is drastic !
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u/Background-Local924 22d ago
Yeah this post makes me sad.
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u/Sad-Frosting-3843 22d ago
Me too, only for this look isn’t attractive at all, but she thinks it is, the fake look.
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u/FeistyEmployee8 22d ago
this look isn't attractive at all
I mean, it isn't to me either, but mature swinger communities are full of women like this, especially the “closed” ones where there's face control. There's a subculture of people for whom this type of appearance is the bees knees. It's just unfortunate that there's a mismatch between OP & wife.
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u/T-bright-000 21d ago
Have you noticed women are starting to look alike? Cosmetic surgery is using one blueprint vs. enhancing an individual’s appearance.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 21d ago
Yea very much so. She had the most beautiful smile with a tiny gap in between her front teeth and her eyes would go so wide and her face would express joy and laughter. Now her lips barely expose her teeth which all look the same and are all in line, her types don’t open and her eyebrows don’t move. It’s like I can’t read what mood she’s in or if she’s being genuine or not because her face doesn’t change whether she’s laughing, crying or just watching tv.
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u/Do-It-Anyway 22d ago
Ok, at first I thought OP was crazy, what’s wrong with a little plastic surgery to look good. But all that…wow. That’s a considerable change.
Question, during this transition did she ever take your feedback into consideration? Or was it something she was doing no matter what?
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u/That_Canadian_Girl32 22d ago
Is there any way she can get some reversed ? I know obviously nose jobs and teeth can’t be reversed really but the boob job and lip filler can be dissolved …? Or she just really doesn’t wanna do that ?
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She doesn’t want to. She loves the way she looks.
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u/cheesefrieswithgravy 22d ago
I really wish we could see a before and after to better understand how drastic the changes are
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
Before she used to get compared to Una Healy a lot. Now she looks like Katie Price.
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u/WhipsAndMarkovChains 22d ago
Now she looks like Katie Price.
I had to look up this person...holy shit.
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u/Traditional-Lion-538 22d ago
Do you have kids? Why did she suddenly want huge boobs in her 40s? I always wanted bigger boobs, but don’t really care anymore since getting older.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
No we don’t have kids. I have no idea. Her boobs were perfect.
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u/walrusknowsbest 22d ago
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a conversation with her about what kind of internet content and social media influencers she’s engaging with. She’s clearly found a niche group online and is burrowing down deeper and deeper into the aesthetic of that group; bimboification is a fetish and has a small but active online presence that may be influencing her choices.
If she’s getting her validation from these people then the changes would make more sense.
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u/Nicenightforawalk01 21d ago
Oh jeezzus. Katie price? I’m sorry for your loss mate. I think you know you have to leave her.
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u/quattroformaggixfour 21d ago
Damn. I empathise. I think I’d have a hard time if my partner significantly changed the look of their eyes and smile. I obviously understand and accept that age and life will change them naturally.
Have you tried therapy either apart or together?
Does she intend to keep tweaking herself?
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u/Status-Drawing4233 22d ago
You should have started with this up there when you made your post … but dear man , you sound addicted and attached to a ghost or memory of what once was … you can prolong this for the rest of your life, but are you at peace that this will be your life? Take a pill , turn her on her belly and rely on the good memory that keeps you part of that marriage.
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u/Agitated_Army2456 22d ago
Girl, you just want to see the pictures for gossip.
I know because I feel the same 🤣
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u/muckymann 22d ago
It's crazy to me that some people actually like this.
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u/Distinct-Cod-3209 22d ago
She needs therapy before you guys decide on divorce, she might be addicted to modifications
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u/feralcatromance 22d ago
And she's so ugly to you now that you can't even have sex with her, even though you love her? That is wild man. Does she at least like how she looks now?
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She’s not ugly she’s just not her. Yeah she says she does.
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u/Sad-Frosting-3843 22d ago
If you imagine everything she did by reading this, I can, she would look nothing like she was beforehand. I get it.
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u/So1anaceae 22d ago
Lip and cheek fillers, botox, boob and cat/fox eye surgery
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u/Known-Grapefruit4032 22d ago
Don't forget the nose job, and breasts going from B to F cup at the same time as a 25lb weight loss. I'm guessing she looks pretty different!
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u/So1anaceae 22d ago
Ahh I missed the nose job
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 22d ago edited 22d ago
And the buccal fat removal.
With all of that she'd look like Skeletor in makeup with cartoon boobs. Enough to turn anyone off.
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u/Different_Umpire9003 22d ago
Buccal fat removal never looks good! I do not get it!
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u/Background-Local924 22d ago
I agree buccal fat removal is the worst plastic surgery ever created. All the before and afters I have seen, they looked better before.
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u/InspectorOrdinary321 22d ago
I don't see what choice you have here. She seems pretty clear and so do you.
I'd recommend therapy for getting through a rough life change like a divorce.
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u/sirenesdaintykiss 22d ago
there’s really no compromise if she wants monogamy and you can’t be intimate with her. Therapy could help you both navigate whatever comes next
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u/EndlessTypist 22d ago
Oh man, I remember your previous post (here for those of you wondering what she had done: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/18RXVurn7S ) if she’d given you an ultimatum then there’s not much else you can do but divorce. I’m sorry op.
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u/Climbing_Bum 22d ago
This is the first time I've ever remembered someone's prior post. OP needs to let her go, her ask is totally reasonable even if her surgeries weren't.
Not that it would help OP, but I really wish I could see a before and after though.
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u/2milliondollartrny 22d ago
Get a divorce, you don't like your wife anymore. You both are still young
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
I love her to pieces and couldn’t imagine my life without her. I just don’t find her physically attractive.
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u/StrangerOnTheReddit 22d ago
Sure, but she wants to have sex with you. You don't want to have sex with her. Both of those things are perfectly fine, but unfortunately not compatible. You shouldn't force yourself to have sex when you don't want to, and she shouldn't be forced into a sexless marriage.
You want to completely different things. Life without her is how things are going to work, it seems.
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u/Dry_Pin_7574 22d ago
You don’t have to be married to her to have a platonic friendship.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She said she wants a clean break if we divorce.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 22d ago
No doubt, seeing or hearing of you moving on and finding another partner to be intimate with would crush her.
You may say, "I don't plan on dating again. She was my one and only... blah blah blah," but you would only be lying to yourself, because you do not know what your future holds. And I doubt you'll want to stay celibate the rest of your life.219
u/caro9lina 22d ago
That may be exactly what OP wants. There is a good chance he is blaming her cosmetic surgery so he doesn't have to admit he's just not interested in sex. It would be very unusual to be so deeply in love with someone and want to stay married and not want to ever have sex with them. If her cosmetic surgery was really that big an issue for him, he would no longer be so deeply in love. They could try couples therapy, if they both feel love for one another and want to stay married.
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u/rivermoon1970 21d ago
Romantic leaning asexuals exist. I am one. Been married 32 years and still completely in love with my husband and he's my best friend. But, sex is not something I want. We've had a lot of very long converstions about it and have made it work.
We find intimacy in other ways.
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u/caro9lina 21d ago
I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. It just seems that they should face it if that's the case, and see if both partners want to accept it and stay together without them having a sexual relationship.
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u/RogueSlytherin 21d ago
It’s also possible that he is simply no longer attracted to her physically due to the plastic surgery. Based on his previous posts, it sounds like she has body dysmorphia and has gone Uncanny Valley with the plastic surgery. She did Botox, lip fillers, got a nose job, had something done to her eyes to make them “cat like”, and went from a B cup to an F cup. She also went from over 140 pounds to 112. Her smile wasn’t even the same anymore! That can absolutely alter your perception of someone and prevent physical attraction. Just listen to him describe kissing her with all the lip filler; it was like making out with a different woman, and not in a fun way.
OP has suggested therapy and she refuses. When he suggested opening the relationship, SHE was the one who didn’t want him sleeping with anyone else after “rejecting her”. For all we know, his libido may well return to normal with a woman who isn’t altering her physical appearance at every turn.
My partner and I are both turned off by excessive cosmetic procedures and the Yassified trend that seems to be vogue at the moment. I assure you, neither of us is asexual whatsoever. Instead of making wild assumptions about OP’s sexuality, let’s take him at his word.
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u/ImJacksLastBraincell 22d ago
it hurts, but sometimes you have your path cut out for you, no matter if it's what you want or not. you don't want her sexually. she needs to be wanted by her partner sexually. you don't want her out of your life, she needs you out of her life if you don't feel for her what she needs from a partner. she can't make you want her sexually, you can't make her want you platonically. if you want the best for her and yourself, it sounds like the decision is out of both of your hands, cause you both need someone who wants you as you are right now. and neither of you do.
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u/Jerry_Potters 22d ago
So you want to be her best friend, and she wants you to be her husband who has sex with her. This isn't going to work, I'm really sorry. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes shit happens and even good relationships don't work out. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/tartcherryjam 22d ago
She doesn’t want just a friendship with you - she’s wants a marriage, one that includes sex.
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u/nodairy48 22d ago
What surgery did she have?
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u/GigiDoll16 22d ago
OP mentioned down below, "Lip fillers, nose job, buccal fat removal, something to her eyes that made them look like a cats eyes, teeth, and boobs"
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u/Bubbly-Cancel-7720 22d ago
Is it bad that I wish I curiously could see before and after pics? Hahahaha
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u/midnight-musings- 22d ago
So, what the kids today are calling Mar A Lago face?
....In fairness I wouldn't be able to deal with that either. It's pretty unattractive.
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u/so_contemporary 22d ago
Sounds like she now looks like every other woman who had stuff done to her. They all look alike after a while so we don't even need a picture to know exactly what her face looks like.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 22d ago
Mate, if you can’t see what’s screaming in your face we can’t help you.
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u/Tiny_Property705 22d ago
Sin atracción física ella lo interpreta que ya no la amas y lo más probable es que sí, ya no la amas como a una esposa. Quizás solo la veas como una amiga, y allí está la diferencia.
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u/Individual_Water3981 22d ago
Attraction is the difference between loving your friend and being in love with someone.
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u/PasadenaSocialClub 22d ago
Ok, I was about to respond elsewhere asking for a clarification but it seems you finally said it. You don’t find her attractive. You said in other posts “she’s still beautiful” but you obviously don’t believe that, and that’s ok. It’s just a lot easier to understand and empathize with the situation when you’re honest about not finding her beautiful, even tho you love her personality.
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u/dogthatbrokethezebra 22d ago
So get the divorce and keep her in your life
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She’s already said if we divorce it’s a clean break.
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u/CaramelHistorical178 22d ago
Read through your other posts as well.
It sounds like she’s changing into who she wants to be. By your own words, that isn’t the woman you fell in love with. Regardless of whether it was her changes or your loss of attraction, your marriage is over. Let her go so you both can move on.
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u/inductiononN 22d ago
Is it like....bad plastic surgery? I know you said it's not botched but it can still be bad. Like does she look super plastic surgery-ish now?
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
To me she does yeah. She looks a bit like Katie Price if you know who she is.
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u/Mindelan 22d ago
She deserves to be with someone that loves her while also desiring her sexually. It's okay if that man isn't you anymore, but you can't ask her to give that up for the rest of her life.
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u/Grimwohl 22d ago edited 22d ago
This is the same excuse you made last time and now you just hurt both of you more for no reason.
Maybe do the thing you know you need to do and are avoiding doing and it will stop menacing your entire life.
Loving her is letting her have a man who likes a gumdrop insert booty. This is just you being selfish, because you think you can't find anybody else to love you the way you want to be loved.
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u/rhibari 22d ago
But you aren’t having sex with anyone else in an open relationship? So maybe the problem isn’t your wife’s face
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u/sparkletigerfrog 22d ago
Well presumably because he loves her and agreed to try and keep his normal life going as best he could, rather than because he actually wanted to sleep with other people.
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u/FluffytheRat123 22d ago
Have you tried making out in the dark
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
Yeah it doesn’t work. Her lips feel different. Her boobs pressed up against me feel different. She can’t kiss like herself because of the fillers her lips don’t move much.
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u/toxicombat 22d ago
I think you should ask her to dissolve the filler, take out the implants, stop getting Botox, and use less makeup. Half of these things are reversible, and a marriage takes the effort of both parties. There’s hope.
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u/Adventurous_Storm356 22d ago
I mean the woman has already 2 other plastic surgeries lined up, I very much doubt that she's interested in reversing the ones she already has...
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u/mantis-toes33e 22d ago
Correct. She needs therapy to understand why she is doing this to herself, and to their marriage.
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u/Adventurous_Storm356 22d ago
Therapy only makes sense if the person sees the problem, and is open to change. It doesn't sound like OPs wife is any of these things, so I don't see the point of bringing up therapy here.
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u/Quirky_Ad6576 22d ago
I think you may love her as a friend now….and you’re having trouble seeing the difference in the type of love you have for her now. Wish you the best.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 22d ago
Yeah…it’s time you’re honest with yourself. You just don’t want her to find someone else. Let her go. You don’t love her as much as you think you do if you expect her to sit there and accept that you don’t want her anymore.
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22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She’s already mentioned it we split up she wants a clean break.
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u/SnooTigers4525 22d ago
Ahhh man. I don't see any option but divorce. You cannot make youself want her. Try for an amicable divorce, but divorce her.
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u/S0YB0YB0YT0Y 22d ago
GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE. GET A DIVORCE.
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u/TropicalDragon78 22d ago
Your original post said her personality and attitude had also changed in addition to the multiple cosmetic procedures. What originally attracted you to her when you were dating that may still be there? You may still be in love with a version of her that you remember that doesn't exist now. Sadly, divorce is probably the best option for both of you.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
When we are alone she’s still got the same personality. Her online personality is so different though. Shes constantly chasing validation online. She used to get 1000 likes for a selfie now she’ll be lucky to get 50 and it’s changing her.
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u/Aggravating_Style544 22d ago
Unfortunately, there is a point where all of the work will render her physically unattractive to all but a certain subset of people. That’s why the likes on selfies dry up. And, the types of men she was likely to be able to attract with that much work done are probably pretty shallow themselves, so she found it unfulfilling. If she is the one who is forcing an ultimatum, I’m not sure what else you can do. Your feelings are because of something she CHOSE to do to herself. To me, that makes it different than if her appearance changed because of an accident, or the types of changes that can be brought in by some medications.
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u/TropicalDragon78 22d ago
Why is her online presence so important to her? There seems to be so much more going on with her that probably needs to be addressed in counseling. Is she open to that -- individually and/or as a couple?
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
It never used to be. She used to post quite revealing photos but it was never an obsession. Sometimes she’d say “I haven’t posted anything for a couple of months might post this photo what do you think?” I’d just say yeah go for it and she’d post it and get over 1000 likes no problem. Now it’s 3 or 4 times a day.
I’ve suggested therapy but she’s not interested.
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u/blood_bones_hearts 22d ago
I'm sorry but I don't see what else you can do than the divorce. And, quite frankly, she doesn't need your agreement or approval to divorce you if that's what she has decided, either sex or divorce.
Not that I blame you and I'd bet there's more going on with this chasing of validation that's making you less attracted to her as well that you're just not consciously acknowledging.
It sounds like she badly needs therapy and you could definitely use some for sure. But it's probably time to let the relationship go. Neither of you sounds happy so why not be free for each of you to go find a person that does make you happy?
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u/Solar_Emperor 22d ago
She was beautiful and gained online attention effortlessly and without care. she was secure in her physical appearance and when age started to show she didn´t take it well. . So she decided to put in the effort but it backfired with her husband cause she went in too deep and fast. The online validation now is the parameter in which she can view if her efforts are working.
its important she works that on therapy, she really should go. The husband too, maybe there´s a way he can regain his sexuality with her and create a new familiarity.. or part ways in the best way possible for both.
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u/Lush_Fusion Early 30s Female 22d ago
It’s the law of diminishing returns. When you flood the market with the exact same product (selfies), the perceived value drops. Her followers have sensory fatigue, so the likes dry up because the novelty is completely gone. Platforms throttle your reach when you post too often as well because users want variety.
Unfortunately this validation is addictive and you’re all suffering because of it.
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u/Disastrous_Lynx1903 22d ago
Depending on the platform there is also literally “manipulation” on the app’s part. Tinder artificially deflates profiles and hides likes, for example, to get users to buy Premium accounts. So that’s not anything anyone can help
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u/BoredBKK 22d ago
All I can see in your original and update are her unilateral choices and extreme demands. Her choice to have drastic appearance changing plastic surgery to her face to the point that she's literally unrecognizable as your wife. For those that thinks this is an exaggeration simply google buccal fat removal and that's before adding in the laundry list of other procedures she chose to go ahead with her face and body. Her demand that you find her attractive let alone sexually attractive after having radical surgeries that she was already completely aware you wouldn't find attractive. Her demand to open your marriage and sleep around. Her demand to close the marriage. Her demand that you just get over her altered appearance and have sex whether you want to or not. Her demand for a divorce if you don't. Yet this sub being what it's infamous for blames you or at least advises you to be the one to compromise. Divorce you're just torturing yourself.
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u/momomojo54 22d ago
💯 take my (free) reward internet stranger! Seriously, couldn't say it better. Why is op not communicating with his partner and why did they end up in such a messy situation is beyond my understanding
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u/Morall_tach 22d ago
You say you don't want to lose her, but what exactly is it that you don't want to lose? You're not attracted to her. She's sleeping with other men, and now she's dropped an ultimatum: you start having sex with her, or she leaves you. I'm no psychologist, but I don't think very many romances are rekindled at gunpoint.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
Her as a person. I can sit and talk to her all day and even after all these years I still get excited when she rings or text me.
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u/ItsNotPatchy 22d ago
You were advised to divorce her, but you didn't. She is probably feeling so much guilt because you have not slept with anyone at all since opening the marriage.
What she truly wants is to be desired by you. If you cannot lie with your wife, then you must let her go and allow someone else to love AND desire her. And you also deserve someone who you also desire sexually.
If you two continue on this route, you will only be hurting each other more.
Please, for both of your sakes, get a divorce.
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u/Nervous-History8631 22d ago
This is gonna sound kinda harsh but maybe kinda needs to be said. The person you fell in love with seems to be gone and most likely you are holding onto a ghost of them.
It isn't just the surgery, but the fact she didn't care when you told her it wasn't attractive. That when the sex stopped because you weren't attracted to her rather than taking a pause and figuring out the cause she went straight to sleeping with other people. That when she comes back from that she is straight to trying to force you to have sex with her with ultimatums.
You are likely forcing yourself to see who she was before, but it seems she has changed. If you don't divorce her and go on your way one day you will wake up and realise your wife left many years ago and you have been living with a stranger.
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u/I-live-in-room-101 22d ago edited 20d ago
Whenever I think my life is getting out of shape, I read some utterly fucked up shit like this and think “ah it’s not too bad actually”
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u/Independent_Field_74 21d ago
OP with all due respect, where is your self respect? I just read your previous post and this person literally told you to your face they were going to cheat on you. One person is not able to say "I will open the relationship"
The fact that you were coincidentally OK with that doesn't change the fact that she decided it was happening without talking to you. Thats not how open relationships work.
You may love this person but she does not love you. Imagine if a man had pulled that stunt on a his wife.
"I'm not getting enough sex, fuck me more or i will fuck other women"
What would you say to that wife?
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u/Sad-Professional-498 22d ago
She will probably want more plastic surgery in the future too. Something to consider.
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u/ellyanah 21d ago
In my opinion you have two options:
- stop thinking about what the other person looks like cosmetically and learn to lean into the established love and desire you have for her as a person (which, honestly, is probably important anyway since we don't look the same throughout our lifetime and lots of things can happen not just cosmetic surgery)
- leave.
You have no other options. If you absolutely cannot retrain yourself to physically be with her then you are doing her a disservice by not telling her that upfront. She wants a relationship with one person, if that can't be you then you need to leave.
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u/Shaydu 21d ago
You make an important point - we don't look the same throughout our lifetime and lots of things can happen. Something happened to OPs wife that resulted in her face being horribly disfigured. His options are to figure out a way to meet her needs notwithstanding her disfigurement or leave.
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u/Jessy_Kiser 21d ago
It's clear you love your wife but love is simply not enough. Neither of you should be in a sexless marriage, especially as neither of you desire a sexless marriage, but it is unfair that you should be forced to pretend that you still find her attractive or that she should be subject to the inevitable damaged to her self-esteem that's caused by being married to a man who doesn't find her attractive. Whatever motivated her to do these things to herself is now irrelevant and as she has made it clear that she is both unwilling to seek therapy together and unwilling to help you to find her more attractive which she is, by the way, under no obligation to do then your marriage is already over and you are just torturing each other. You have to walk away. Both of you. It's just time.
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u/TiresandConfused 22d ago
If you don’t think you can be with her physically ever again, let her go. Then you can at least try to find someone who will be good for you.
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u/starry_nite99 22d ago
Have you tried to date each other again? If she doesn’t look or feel like your wife anymore, perhaps getting to know your new wife by dating her might help.
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u/markarli 22d ago
He is not attracted to her. Dude offered to open up the marriage for HER, that is how put off he feels from her (voluntary) image change. Doubt he would approach her out as a stranger. He is just in denial that a platonic marriage cannot work if both are not ok with being “just roommates”.
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u/TheArkedWolf 22d ago
I’m really sorry buddy, but at this point divorce is what needs to happen. She wants to feel wanted physically as well as emotionally and you just can’t do both.
At some point you just have to realize that you two are no longer compatible. It hurts to accept but it’s the truth.
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u/youknowthevibbees 22d ago
This isn’t about you anymore… she feels trapped in whatever relationship this is, she wants a ”normal” relationship now and you, but you want her, but also not wanting her… give her the divorce I just know she deeply wants
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u/Affectionatealways 22d ago
What you do is get the divorce.
She's told you what she needs. You are absolutely within your rights to not have sex with her if you're no longer attracted to her. But she also has the right to move on to someone who can give her the relationship in sex she needs. She likely wants the emotional connection of having sex with someone you love in a relationship.
If she wants a divorce you need to give it to her. Why would you want to be with her if she doesn't want to be with you?
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u/WonderfulRound3297 22d ago
Were there conversations along the way about you losing attractedness because of the surgeries? Cuz i feel like she heard you and did what she wanted anyway, now she is expecting you to accept her anyway.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
Yeah I said before during and after she doesn’t need it and I don’t like the way people look with cosmetic surgery.
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u/funkydollz 22d ago
May I ask what procedure she had that made unattracted to her?
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u/Grompson 21d ago
His original post on the topic (check his profile) says she went from being 140+lbs and a B cup to being around 110lbs, big F-cup implants, buccal fat removal, lip fillers, cat-eye surgery, a nose job....basically the Plastic Surgery Buffet.
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u/OutrageousDirector96 22d ago
Well, you’re now at a crossroads. It seems as if you have truly tried all you could in an effort to save your marriage. And while you seem very focused on her happiness and satisfaction, hopefully you’ll take this opportunity to prioritize yourself and your wellbeing, because that’s ultimately all you can control. I know it might feel as if you can’t live without her, but you might find that the life you create once you’re separated from her is actually far more fulfilling than you could imagine. I wish you the best in finding happiness and peace for yourself.
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u/FlamingWhisk 22d ago
You only have two choices - divorce or close your eyes and do it for mother England. But she will be able to tell.
Can any of it be reversed? Things like fillers and implants can come out
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u/Plenty_Status_6862 22d ago
Reminds me of that wife of a millionaire who had cosmetic surgery to look like a cat..then the husband left her
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u/WeaselPhontom 22d ago
You need to get a Divorce, you dont like your wife, you're kt attracted to her and you want her to just keep wasting life? Divorce should have been the route a year ago you've prolonged a dead-end relationship
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u/UnlikelyOccasion2764 22d ago
Did you two even discuss the surgeries beforehand? I've read what she's had done and it feels like something you talk in depth about with your spouse. If she did this for herself and didn't want to hear any potential "hey I might not be attracted to you after this" protest then it's probably best you get a divorce and just be friends. You may love each other but she wants sex with you and only you, and you don't want that. Incompatible. Divorce for both your sakes.
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She spoke about them. I told her she doesn’t need them at all. She said it’s her body which i agree with but said she doesn’t need to change. Then she started them.
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u/Traditional-Lion-538 21d ago edited 21d ago
But, if you don’t mind me asking… How can you guys afford all that surgery? I don’t know how much it costs in the UK, but all those procedures will be well over 100 K implants are like 30 K and the bleph is like 25 K and nose job similarly 25 to 30k. Also, fillers, Botox, getting your teeth done…veneers are like 20k. Like, that’s a fortune!!
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u/Traditional-Lion-538 22d ago
But also how much money it all costs sounds like over 100k. Wonder what kind of community they live in? Like do all other friends have surgery?
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u/DocSternau 22d ago
Sounds like you two should get the divorce you should have gotten about a year ago.
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u/Ed98208 22d ago
I think she just wants the divorce but doesn't want to come out and say it. So she gives you an impossible condition and walks away feeling faultless. But honestly, if you're not attracted and don't want to have sex it's not a romantic relationship. It's just friendship and if that's not enough for her, let her go.
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u/Ok-Fly-557 17d ago edited 17d ago
I don’t know why some people are being so rude and arrogant to you , there’s things they clearly do not see and far too easily assume without even picturing what it would feel like to be in your position. You are not a shallow person, I could see that, yet you know how to appreciate the true value of things, in this case it’s your long relationship with your wife , you love her but at the same time you can also discern intimacy with someone you are in love and attracted to vs just having sex with a body, albeit that body belongs to your wife whom you’re no longer attracted to. I get it. You’re also true to yourself, which is why I agree with you. people who are true to themselves do not pretend and lie and force something they can’t feel. Honestly your wife is pessimistic for not wanting to be friends even after a divorce, you HAVE BEEN totally compromising with her because of it. Letting her have sex with other men, while not even touching other women yourself. Most men only allow this because they want to be with other people. So this makes you a selfless person, you stay true to yourself while also sacrificing things to make her happy, and also being able to be adult about it, and knowing where one thing is more or less important than another. I totally commend you, and I really wanna say that you deserve the best. I am sorry your wife made decisions that harmed your relationship, but you compromised as much as you can, If she forces you to have sex with her, how long do you think it would last? And the other people here who are giving you crap about this clearly must be the kind that don’t care if their partners pretend to enjoy being with them. They can’t face the truth. I think at this point you could only try and take it as far as you can, being the bigger and better person. If this is the ultimatum she gave you, even if you gave in, you wont be happy with her. Besides if she’s been able to sleep with other men all this time, I am sure she would be open enough to want to consider being friends even after divorce. She seems like a very open minded person as well. Good luck, and don’t let this idiots on here make you feel bad about any of your decisions, I don’t see you doing anything wrong here, maybe except not stop your wife from having plastic surgery, but that just only goes to show how much of a better person you are to not try to control your woman and tell her what to do with her body.
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u/Confidence_Kind 22d ago
I'm sorry for your situation and I'm sorry to say this but it was going to happen any way. This was unavoidable.
Your wife is broken and hunger for validation. I think she felt old and your reassurance was not enough, that is why she started with the surgeries even after you asked her not to Then, according to her, the lack of sex made her look elsewhere, but she already proved that your validation was not enough, so most likely even with a nice set routine she would have asked for an open marriage anyway. That is why an escort was not enough, she didn't want sex, she wanted validation. Now, since it's been a year of you stopped giving her the validation she craves she is trying to force it out on you. She just realized that she still feels empty after getting external validation so she is desperate to get it where she is missing, you.
The surgeries was not the answer, the sex is not the answer, the desire is not the answer, the validation is not the answer, even your attentions won't be the answer and she will keep spiraling.
The only answer is admitting there is a problem and look for professional help, but she already rejected it and won't consider it until everything is burned to the ground.
She needs a wake up call hard. My opinion, non of you is getting anything from this marriage. On one hand, you are not enough from her. In the other, you are a widower, your wife died and was replaced by someone else.
Divorce is the best option, rip off the bandage. Maybe that will wake her up.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 22d ago edited 22d ago
Divorce time and really, you should have done that as soon as you realised you were no longer attracted to her.
As bad as it may sound, everyone's time here has been wasted - hers and yours.
So realistically, if you have lost all attraction to her and can find no way to ever get that back, what exactly then is the point in staying?
She can't undo all of the plastic surgery she has had done (well not easily and it sounds like she will never want to) so what options are there left?
Why stay married to someone you find - and will always find - unattractive?
She can still be in your life if you both wish that to happen, but you also need to be prepared for the possibility that this is the final bit of your lives together. But your marriage can't survive in any way if you find her physically repulsive.
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u/TroublesomeTurnip 22d ago
You kicked the can down the road and now you've reached it. Divorce, it's best for you both. Stay friends if you want. Both of you should get into solo therapy so you can grieve the marriage.
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u/Mysterious_Form4789 22d ago edited 22d ago
To boil this down to the core issue: You want her as a best friend but she wants a husband and everything that comes with marriage. Let her go so she can find someone who wants to be with her as she is now and not for who she was 20 years ago. You said it yourself in your previous post - she is not who you married 20 years ago. While she made those choices, it must be horrible being married to someone who can’t even kiss you anymore. She knows what needs to happen and if you love her, you’ll do what’s best for her.
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u/puzzledlove_10 22d ago
Is she still happy with the way she looks now?
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u/ThrowRA_notattract 22d ago
She says she is.
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u/BoredBKK 22d ago
And you know she's lying to you and herself as she's got another two procedures planned. I've got to ask if this has been and will be done by the same Doctor? If so they must be the most unethical money grabbing _____ in a sea of unethical money grabbing ____s, This whole thing screams psychiatric intervention.
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u/PKMNTrainerEevs 22d ago
I really don’t see this marriage going anywhere. You both need to let each other go tbh.
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u/KyHa33 22d ago
I really don’t mean this unkindly. Feeling like a good person seems very important to you. To the point you say you literally went soft mid sex because you FELT like you were cheating while having sex with your actual wife. But if you love her as a person like you say you will have to lose her because you aren’t meeting her needs of a partner who is attracted to her. Expecting someone to live that way isn’t love. Nor is her insisting on going forward with more surgery knowing how much you hate it. Also it’s worth unpacking that it isn’t even that she is ugly now (per you) just different. Which seems like you toeing the good person line again. Either she looks horrific and you just don’t want to say it or there is room to work with because she is still attractive and also still your wife. That “moral” hang up could be overcome with therapy if that’s your actual issue because it isn’t actually cheating. And just out of curiosity what if the changes weren’t optional? Say she needed a mastectomy followed by reconstruction or was facially disfigured in some way? Would you still go soft because she doesn’t look like the original anymore? Not really a question to answer out loud but something for you to think about. You have insisted it is a dick and morals issue so I wonder how they would work if there were changes that weren’t purely cosmetic.
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u/BooBooCanoe 18d ago
You think you love her. If you loved her, it would not matter what she looks like... Do yourself and her a favor and end it. You will find love and lust again.
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u/Top-Resort9956 4d ago
dude you may love her but you're not in love with her the way a husband loves a wife. cut the cord so she can find someone that does.
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u/HOBbitDAY 22d ago edited 22d ago
You have no idea what happiness is out there waiting for you and you’ll never know because you’ve already lost your wife and can’t admit it. She is unwell and cannot feel proper validation from ANYONE.
Please for the love of GOD get a divorce. It’s not like you can never see her again if that’s what you want.
Edit; I see she wants a clean break and honestly that’s for the best. You two are dragging each other down into cold dark depths. Take a chance that happiness exists for you, brother.
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