r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAhh7sd • 19d ago
How do I(23M) gently break up with my gf(25F) without putting myself in hot water?
So I recently moved to this new city across the country for a new job, like back in October. Anyway around November I met this girl I used to go to high school with(she graduated before me). She was a super popular girl in high school, and I was not popular, but she still remembered me(surprisingly) and we caught up and she said she was the only one from high school who came all the way out here and lost touch with everyone and asked me if I knew anyone, and I was filling her in on the little I knew(also went to a different city for high school). Anyway, she said she would show me around, and one thing led to another and around January after talking we officially became a thing.
So I will be honest, she is the first woman I have been with, which is fine. I know she has been with people before me, but I didn’t care to ask, partly because I was a little scared to know. I guess I just thought I could ignore it.
Anyway, around June I started working at a new firm, and left the smaller one and joined this new firm and people are awesome. I hit it off and made friends with a lot of people. It was my first time making friends at work, and I was excited to see them. Like I actually liked going to work. These coworkers of mine all went to campuses and colleges around here, and many of them graduated from my girls school too. I didn’t really bring up my girl much, but they knew my girl went there and asked me for her name, but she has a common name, and anyway no one was sure if they knew her or not.
I came home and showed a photo I took with my coworkers when we went golfing, and my girlfriend looked at it and said she did not know any of them either. She explained it was a big school(it is, has a shit ton of people in the tens of thousands) and she hung out with a small crew.
Anyway, fast forward to two weeks ago, we had an official get together because my boss bought a new house, and had a housewarming barbecue and told us to come and bring a plus one if we wanted. I hang out with around 7 other guys, and 4 of them are in a relationship and all 4 were bringing their girls over. I asked my gf to come with me, and she vehemently refused. That should’ve been my first red flag, but anyway, I did not want to force her. Anyway since she wasn’t coming I carpooled with some of the other guys to the party.
We were at the party, and anyway, one of the girls there, one of my coworkers friends, spoke to me and she was in the same extracurricular club that my girlfriend mentioned and I told her. She asked if she could see a photo of my girlfriend and I showed her, and my coworker and he was like(not her name or the club but you get the point) “OH IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND RUN CLUB EMMA?”, and a lot of the people there looked at me, and a few of them started giggling, but two to three of my coworkers who I am tight with went around and stopped them from laughing.
One of the homies from the bigger group pulled me aside and asked me if I knew about her college life. I said no, and two of them, along with me, quickly spoke to my boss and they took me out to drinks after telling him something has come up. They had a mini meeting while me and two others sat in the car of their carpool guy. The guys who came on their own with their girls stayed, and the rest took me out.
Basically, unfortunately, I found out some like pretty bad stuff about her past. She was known around campus for being easy, and she was a frat sweetheart of sorts not just for her campus, but the campus of another school nearby too. Allegedly some stuff about how a few times she had been with more than one person at the same time. I legit could not breath and I started crying there, and thankfully those guys were there and they said it wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t know since I literally moved across the country.
I didn’t know what to do. I had asked her if she had anything from her past I should know about in the beginning and she said “aside from normal stuff no” and she said she didn’t want to disclose her prior relationships or anything and I was like “that’s fine”. But this was too much. I sat on this by myself for 3-4 days, while kinda ignoring her, until she showed up at my apartment and I kinda cried in front of her and told her what they told me. I was begging and hoping she would say some bs about how they were lying.
Instead she cried too and said she didn’t want me to find out and that it’s been 3 years since that stuff and she has been trying to put it behind her. We both cried and she went from sad, and then when she asked if I was thinking about breaking up, and I couldn’t give an answer, she got really angry and said I shouldn’t be insecure and stuff. She got like super angry, throwing stuff, broke my Xbox and what not, etc. She stormed out of my apartment, and two days later she showed up with a new console(not sure how she afforded it, she has no job) and apologized, and said she is proud of me for staying with her despite everything and she sees a long future for us especially since we met her parents together(they came down for her birthday earlier last month). I told her I am not sure if there is a future, and she left a little disappointed.
Anyway, we have a few mutual friends, and she sent two of out mutual friends over. Both women showed up unprompted over the last weekend(before this one) and told me that they knew her back then and now and that she has changed and I am really hurting her and I gotta give her a shot.
And then two hours after they left, my girlfriend showed up, got a bit angry, and then we made up and slept together for the first time after the original confrontation, and idk how it happened, but she said she was gonna move in.
I want to break up with her, but I have no idea how to at this point, and over last Thursday and Friday she started moving stuff into my place, and she spent this weekend and Monday and Tuesday with me(I work from home on Monday and on Tuesday I took the day off to be with her, and she isn’t currently employed) and she said she is going to tell her apartment to close out the lease and pay the fee for breaking the leasing agreement and move in with me. But she was with me all 3 days, and we stayed inside the entire time, I cooked and she cooked, and we doordashed food. It was nice for a bit because we could forget stuff every now and then, but we still argued anytime I tried to bring the situation up.
This situation, I feel, has escalated beyond my control. She seems to not take no for an answer. I am also an idiot because I do not know, every time I try to bring up what happens, she and I end up arguing, and then one thing leads to another, and then I am sleeping with her, and I feel like I am also a little fucked up in the head for going along with it. Idk why I can’t stop going along with her stuff, and what sucks is that the four days spent over were the first time she spent that much time over.
The guys at work told me to follow my heart, and they said they just wanted me to have the information, but the decision is mine and they said they will respect any decision I take, but I know they won’t respect me if I stay, and I know this because I wouldn’t respect a man in my situation for staying and I can’t even respect myself right now for staying.
How do I just cleanly break it off and tell her it’s over? But do it in a way where I am not put in hot water?
26
30
u/kittysdaughter 19d ago
Completely unbelievable story; not even rage-bait because I don’t care about any of it. Usually, I think: well, that was fun. But not this time.
19
64
u/FaithlessnessFar6547 19d ago edited 19d ago
If you're breaking up, why do you care about being gentle? Just tell her it's over. But jfc, maybe stay single.
-14
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
Idk I don’t want her to go berserk again, and then she stays and then we do the whole song and dance again. Maybe if I am gentle she will leave of her own volition and not feel like she has to be with me?
38
u/Adpiava 19d ago
She's about to break her lease and move herself in with you. This is not to time to be passive and hope for the best. You need to clearly tell her that you're breaking up with her, ideally when she's not in your home.
-18
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
I don’t think you guys understand, it’s not like I haven’t tried doing this. What do you do when someone literally won’t listen or take no for an answer.
22
6
u/Grimwohl 19d ago
Listen man.
The only reason any of this is working on you is because you will not take her and put her s*** outside or call the cops or ask friends for help or move yourself.
Women like this are going to be looking for you til the day you die. Saying no, the first time it's hard. Especially if somebody you alright, talking about somebody that you chose to love.
But that's the problem. Being an adult makes dating different. When your boyfriend and girlfriend in your teens, you really only see each other when you intend to see each other.
You do not get to see the everyday parts of that person. Dating as an adult is recognizing that you can initially like, or even love somebody, and then realize that they're absolutely just no good for you.
As long as you are unwilling to put your foot down in regards to women who are straight up. No, good for you. All you're gonna get is no good women. Because they can smell it.
-2
u/givemeausernameplzz 19d ago
This sounds like some kind of abuse. She’s manipulating you and she is being violent and destructive. You need to break up with her in writing, like a text message, 100% clearly, no room for doubt, and tell her not to come over any more. If she comes over anyway don’t let her in. If she has a key tell her to give it back to you.
If possible you should have someone close to you and not her help by talking to her for you. Block her number and let all communication happen via the third person.
If she doesn’t respect your boundaries, and you’ve put everything in writing, that’s demonstrable trespassing, and you can make a police report.
18
u/FaithlessnessFar6547 19d ago
That's not how things work. Just end it and be done. Stop fucking around and STOP fucking sleeping with her. It's gross and makes you a fucking hypocrite. Her sexual history is disgusting and you don't respect yourself, but clearly it's ok as long as your dick gets wet.
-17
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
It’s not like I want to, but then we start arguing and it gets hella stressful and one thing leads to another, and sometimes its the best way to stop the argument and calm her down so I am not continuously getting yelled out or my household items and things I care about are not in the line of fire. I will admit, I also don’t know how to react and need to stop going along with it, but you gotta understand it’s not like I am picking the argument being like “oh my god I hope I get to have sex with her”. I try to be firm, and then it doesn’t go that way.
19
u/Motchiko 19d ago
Is this ragebait? Just block her and stop interacting all together then. WTF
-6
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
Me trying to block her was what caused her to come to my place Friday evening and spend until Tuesday with me. I genuinely don’t think you guys understand, it’s not like I haven’t tried to end it.
5
u/Grimwohl 19d ago
Okay, so in this situation, i'm gonna go ahead and explain to you what you should have done. Because you're telling me, I don't understand but you're not actually doing anything anyone has suggested you do.
When you broke up with her and she showed up to your door you should have not let her in and called the police. Then, tell her that this is your ex. Who is bothering you? And she is not accepting that you broke up with her.
I would have firstly made a paper trail indicating that she is one not stable and two dangerous to you specifically. It also would have established a precedent that in the future. It also would have stopped her from bothering you right now.
You literally would not be talking to her right now If you decided to do the hard thing.
4
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 18d ago
You didn't have to answer the door. You could have said leave or I'm calling the Police. It's that simple.
8
u/FaithlessnessFar6547 19d ago
That's excuses. One thing leads to another? My guy, you MAKE A CHOICE to fuck her. If it's an issue, lock your damn doors and take a key away from her if she has one. You're acting like you're helpless here and have no options, and it's gross
27
u/Boar98 19d ago
So feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I can gather, you cried after finding out your girlfriend has had multiple partners and been “sexually adventurous”, to put it mildly.
And your girlfriend didn’t tell you and instead avoided the subject in hopes it would go away, somehow.
But you two end up in aggressive arguments over this, often. It seems to me like you both need to take a step back and reevaluate some things. There’s clearly a lot of problems here, including but not limited to you judging her and being unable to handle her past, and her being avoidant and possibly using sex as a way to shut down the discussion.
If you really can’t handle that your girlfriend has had the sexual past she has, then your best bet is to tell her that and break up. Give her and yourself that grace. Straighten that spine and own up to your feelings.
I think you both deserve some slack and have some years to go before you find what you want.
16
u/throwaway12181963 19d ago
Geez. Neither of you are mature enough for this relationship.
You cried because your girl is experienced and you think the guys at work won't respect you for being with a woman who knows how to have sex? That's bonkers man. You're allowed to have your opinion and feelings on the issue, but it seems like in your eyes you feel a woman is worth less when she has sexual experience which is some unpacking you need to work on without a woman in your life.
She clearly also needs to work on some stuff because she shouldn't be breaking your things and overriding your boundaries (though it looks like this isn't her normal behavior, this is some sort of fear response because she doesn't want to be alone).
Also your acting like you had no say in the matter when you slept with her when she came over and you fought and like you have no say on her moving in. My dude. You need to call her now and tell her "Look, I'm sorry I reacted the way I did to your sexual history. I don't look down on you because of it, but because of my own personal baggage I can't personally stop myself from thinking about it whenever we're together. I think we should both separate for a while to work on ourselves." Have this conversation after you've already changed the locks. Then after the convo mute her number. And for the love of god stop leading her on by sleeping with her.
(Also work on your self esteem so you stop caring so much what some work friends think about your sex life. This is such cliquey drama and it's this kind of stuff that will eventually come back to bite you professionally when you leave this job.)
3
u/swimming_cold 19d ago edited 19d ago
The funny thing is she would have completely ignored him back then, it even says so in the post. Now she wants him as a stable provider since she’s unemployed and already had her fun getting pumped and dumped
Yes I’m insecure inkwell blah blah blah let the downvotes commence
Why does everyone want free lunch?
9
u/throwaway12181963 19d ago
It doesn't actually say that in the post. He mentions she was popular and he wasn't and that she was ahead of him in school (which makes sense because she's two years older).
It doesn't seem like she necessarily wants him as a stable provide (there doesn't seem to be a money component other then OP mentions she's currently unemployed) as it does that she wants someone who doesn't discount her personhood because she's had a lot of sex. Based on the reactions of the coworkers (who to be clear are another level of unprofessional tangentially related to this story) she has likely been strongly ostracized from any social groups. OP seems like maybe the first person in a while to show her any affection untainted by the knowledge of her past.
His reaction to the knowledge and her subsequent reactions to his reaction show that she is acting from a place of deep insecurity, she seems extremely desperate to keep him at all costs likely because him dumping her in reaction to learning of her sexual history reenforces whatever social ostracizing she's already been experiencing. She's desperate to prove she has value and not 'fail' because others have convinced her that she is less of a person for her sexual history.
What she needs is therapy and what OP needs to do is to just break up with her. Like I said, they're both way too immature to navigate this on top of being fundamentally incompatible. He has a preference she cannot ever possibly meet (minimal experience) and she needs to work through her emotions regarding whatever was the social fallout for her sex life becoming public gossip.
(Also not sure how your comment paints you as insecure? You're talking about OP and his girlfriend.)
-6
u/mikelown 19d ago
She is less of a women for her past. He's allowed to have his opinion. Actions have consequences. Lying about it is a huge red flag too. He doesn't need to apologize for shit.
14
u/throwaway12181963 19d ago
She isn't less of a woman for her past; that's a shit take. Nothing can make you less of a person. She is however immature and clearly desperate and you can't build a relationship with someone like that. Also he clearly said she didn't lie or dodge when directly confronted, only that prior to his knowledge she avoided discussing it. Given the shitty reaction of his coworkers to her behavior it's clear why she withheld the info from OP and acted like she didn't know any of them.
The apologizing is the 'avoiding hot water' technique he asked for. Whether or not he's actually sorry is his business, but it firmly puts the message to her 'it's me not you'.
-1
u/mikelown 19d ago
In what world is telling someone "i haven't done anything aside from normal stuff" when you've had threesomes and/or gangbangs on multiple occasions not lying??
13
u/throwaway12181963 19d ago
He asked if there's anything from her past he should know about and she said nothing aside from the normal stuff. She had sex. Having sex is normal. Her personal relationship dynamics and choices are apparently not normal to him, but they honestly aren't abnormal in general, some people like that and that's their prerogative. From what it seems she didn't commit any crimes or harm anyone. The only concern I would have is sexual health, but OP doesn't bring that up and he knew she had had partners so clearly either had the sex health convo or was okay with the potential exposure.
"Normal" in this context is extremely subjective. Having any sexual partners before marriage in some cultures is abnormal. Never having had sex with your friends in some cultures is abnormal. Having sex with only one person in your life in some cultures is abnormal. Sex after 1 date is abnormal to some, whereas no sex before the the second date is abnormal to others. Her past here doesn't define her or make her less of a person and it isn't abnormal for her to have had sex, even the particular relationships and experiences it would seem she personally has had.
He should be judging her on her current actions. She has behaved immaturely (AND so has he). They are not compatible, but he is acting like he has no agency in this situation and is helpless. He is not and the first mature step he can take is cutting her off and learning to have a spine, both with her and his coworkers.
-3
u/mikelown 19d ago
Anything but accountability
13
u/throwaway12181963 19d ago
Lmao accountability for having sex? There's nothing there. Having sex, and lots of it at that, isn't a crime. But I suspect your initial reaction (to claim she's less of a person) shows your beliefs here: that women have no value outside of the status she can confer a man as judged only by his peers. If so, I don't think you and I will ever reach a consensus here as I recognize her as a person (an admittedly kind of shitty one, but not for her sexual choices and preferences lol).
However, if you're referring to her current behavior: becoming volatile, gaslighting and love-bombing I already pointed out she's immature and desperate and that is the reason he needs to leave her.
1
u/YogurtclosetPale8785 19d ago
getting railed by half of a fraternity isn't a crime, you are correct
20
u/CrownedCount 19d ago
My brother, if you can’t accept that kind of sexual history, break up with her. It’s completely understandable.
She is mentally unstable too and needs therapy. She broke your Xbox? And now she tries to besiege your apartment and force you into living with her so you can’t escape anymore.
And worst of all, you’re letting it happen. Wack off until you ejaculate blood before talking to her and DUMP HER. Have some buddies nearby in case she flips her shit.
1
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
Maybe I will have some buddies fly out here. Currently my only friend group is my coworkers, but outside of my coworkers I have no homeboys in this city, I just talk to my homeboys on discord and play games with them. All my irl friends here currently are women and they’re her friends. She’s the only one in her friend group in a relationship, so I got added in as a friend ig, and as you guessed, they’ll all take her side
18
u/Girl_with_the_Curl 19d ago
Dude, go watch Chasing Amy to deal with your insecurity. People have pasts.
But also, definitely do not let her steam roll you into staying in a relationship you don't want to be in.
13
15
u/Sinead_0Rebellion 19d ago
Y’all need to grow up. Just tell her it’s over on the phone. She deserves better anyway.
5
u/NCR_High-Roller 19d ago
Toxic mindset. No one who gets violent over breakups deserves better. The only thing that person deserves is meds.
4
u/Far-Common-6815 13d ago
Seriously!! Who cares what her past was. It’s in her past! Seems like the only reason you’re so worried anyways because your new coworkers know about it and they are your only friends right now in this place and now they can make fun of you because they’re making fun of her because of the choices that she made that was in the past. Just break up with her you’re so young just live your life and let her live hers.
2
u/Benjamins412 18d ago
"Honey, I am breaking up. Thank you for the wonderful memories! I am sure you will be happier in the long run. Bye now." Works every time. Then, no contact. Let her heal.
6
u/PrincessWiggleButt 19d ago
The problem isn’t that she has a past, it’s how she dealt with her anger. That in itself is the problem and you should feel free to break up on that point alone.
Just end it.
4
u/mikelown 19d ago
Totally valid to break up with her because of her past. Even now valid to break up with her because of her insane reaction.
At this point, text her it's over and you don't want to see her anymore, block the number, don't reply. If she comes to your house don't answer the door. If she continues coming to your house call the police.
She doesn't get to say no to breaking up. She lied to you about her past, she destroyed your stuff. Cut all ties, no mercy. She doesnt deserve it.
2
u/Illustrious-Unit-636 19d ago
I guess you have to decide how much it matters to you
Does she make you happy?
I think you should decide based on how you feel, not if others laugh or not
-2
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
No I can’t look at her or our relationship the same anymore after knowing all that. I just wanna leave but it’s not like I dislike her or anything. I still like her. It still sucks seeing her cry and stuff. Idk. I don’t want to be that guy though.
-8
u/Illustrious-Unit-636 19d ago
Hold up, is your girl the Cornell girl?
9
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago edited 19d ago
Uh, no? That was a rape case, why would I want to break up with my girl if she was a rape victim? She made it very clear all her prior stuff was consensual she I made sure to ask if she was coerced or not, and she wasn’t.
0
u/greystridez 19d ago
wow that sounds really rough…
if you alr know you want to break up, i’d do it now before she moves in or gives up her apt. you don’t need to argue ab her past or convince her that she did something wrong. just tell her that finding out she intentionally withheld something this significant has changed how you feel and you no longer want to continue the relationship.
and honestly everything she’s doing as a response to the situation is kinda a red flag: breaking things, sending mutual friends to convince you to stay, and now moving her stuff in despite you being unsure … yeah that would concern me more than her college past.
1
u/Aym0r 19d ago
Redditors will insult you for being insecure but you're free to not want to be with someone that feels humiliating to be with
Also even aside from that, that behavior about throwing and destroying stuff is already a major red flag
My mother used to do the same shit, i remember having to try stopping from from the age of 7 when she got mad and started throwing stuff around
Pretend I'm your future child giving you a warning bro
3
u/NCR_High-Roller 18d ago
Seriously bro. People can be jerks, they can verbally abuse you, they can talk crap about your family but whenever your partner starts getting physical, that's usually a very big red flag. That's a precursor to abuse and it only escalates over time. This chick is probably going to ruin this guy's life if he doesn't grow a spine.
2
u/NCR_High-Roller 19d ago
Bro no offense I came here from another sub, but this relationship sounds really unhealthy. I think both of you need to go to therapy and learn self-respect. I mean that non-agressively.
-2
u/DanielSong39 19d ago
Just tell her you don't feel the spark any more
It's over
Then she gets blocked
And control the narrative. Or else she will accuse you of some crime
0
0
u/darklingdawns 19d ago
'This relationship isn't working for me anymore, so I'm ending it. I wanted to tell you as soon as I could, before you talked to your landlord and gave up your apartment.' Do not engage in discussion or debate, do not go into your reasoning, just present it as a fait accompli and do not argue. Once you've informed her of the breakup, block her from your phone and social media. If she tries to refuse to leave, call the police to remove her. Change the locks if you've ever given her a key and don't hesitate to file for a restraining order if necessary.
1
u/Calirado80 19d ago
The college shit aside I think how she reacted, how she’s using sex as some kind tactic to shut down any discussion and how she forcing this move in is break up worthy. You need to break up with her. Or else it’s gonna be harder once she’s moved in. Also did she recently lose her job?
Updateme
2
u/ThrowRAhh7sd 19d ago
Nah she’s never had a job like fr. She does some freelance stuff on the side, and will occasionally make money from that. She applies to jobs too, but rough market rn, and she’s considering going to school again too. But she also sometimes thinks about giving up and just settling into a stay at home role too.
1
u/swimming_cold 19d ago
She presumably knows that OP is inexperienced and thus she can use her sexuality to coerce him.. pretty brutal
0
u/Own-Writing-3687 19d ago
Inform her you need to talk to take a break. Zero contact.
Her obsession with you is not love. It's possessive, selfish , shows zero self awareness, a lack of empathy - and is scary.
She doesn't just have a past - from the post she was promiscuous. That's a different story.
Research finds promiscuity associated with long term dysfunctional relationship issues, including:
- higher rates of cheating and divorce.
Plus for women, higher rates of cancer.
Can she be an exception? Can she self correct without years of therapy?
Sure. But smart people don't make important life decisions hoping for an exception.
1
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 18d ago
Do it over text because she's violent. Gf it's over. I will not date a violent person. Don't contact me again and don't come over. If you show up I will call the Police. Or something like that. Mute her so if she escalates and you need to get a RO you have proof.
56
u/FappyDilmore 19d ago
Dude stop lol. You tried to dump her and now she's moving in with you? You're gonna get her pregnant "by accident" and your shit is over. Stop talking to her.