r/relationships • u/nobdaythrowaway • Aug 04 '15
Relationships My [36M] GF [30F] of 5 years has never remembered my birthday
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and knew each other for 3 years prior to that. In all of that time, she has never once remembered my birthday. Last year we ended up in an argument over it because it really bothered me. I told her to add an event to the calendar on her iPhone if she can't remember. I'm not looking for an extravagant, or really any, gift - just an acknowledgement that it is a special day for me.
This year, I gave her a heads up about two weeks ago, letting her know that a video game I want comes out the day after my birthday this year. And yesterday (my bday) she texted me early in the morning so I had high hopes, but all she did was ask to borrow some money until she gets paid. What do I do about this? Just accept that she won't remember? Maybe it bothers me more than it should.
tl;dr In 8 years of knowing each other, my gf has never remembered my birthday and yesterday was no different.
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Aug 04 '15
Your girlfriend sounds rather selfish and self-aborbed. It's been 5 years, its unlikely that she's going to change. You just have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
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u/Fai1eBashere Aug 04 '15
Yeah, definitely this. Here's the thing, some people are terrible with dates, okay, but that's not what this is. I'll admit, and this is cringy, to looking at my husband's license when I couldn't remember what was the exact date of his birthday to put out on the calendar, buy the point is I was putting out on the calendar. I can't imagine not doing anything for it or how bad I would feel if I actually forgot it!
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u/donotcall8675309 Aug 04 '15
You asked for what you wanted: Hey, please remember my birthday, it's a super special day to me!
She hasn't complied.....EVAR.
Your girlfriend is an insensitive clod and I personally would have the same issue as yourself. Is this a deal breaker for you? It would be for me.
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Aug 04 '15
Is she generally a not well organized person?
I totally understand your point of view and it would hurt me too. So, I don't see any exaggeration on your side. I would consider this not really respectfull either. Did you ever told her that this is hurting you and your feelings towards her?
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u/izavogeltje Aug 04 '15
You got enough comments saying your girlfriend is in the wrong here, and that you're not being overly sensitive about it. I agree with them.
However, since nobody seems to have said it yet, a very happy birthday from me!
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Aug 04 '15
This cannot be the only way she's a selfish git. Forgetting a friend's birthday does happen occasionally, but even then you'd feel sheepish if they reminded you! Forgetting a SO's birthday once, in a time where she's very busy and apologizes profusely after might happen in theory. Forgetting your BF's birthday for YEARS and not seeming to mind that you had even when he REALLY wants you to remember and talks about it is selfish as hell.
And you say birthdays matter to her in general! WTF? I don't think she's going to change, and I do think this is one of those small things that's likely the tip of the iceberg. She's normally kind of selfish I'd imagine, no? How is she at being a generous or caring person to you in general?
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Aug 04 '15
I think there is a bigger issue here than her not remembering your birthday, which is more of a symptom of the problem. She sounds very self absorbed and im sure if you look at the rest of the relationship, there will be more symptoms of this kind of behavior. To me, this would be a deal breaker (and actually was in my last relationship). You need to decide whether this relationship is worth it to be one sided, although we do not know about other aspects of this relationship so, there might be some redeeming qualities that she has.
Oh and by the way, Happy (belated) Birthday! Hope it was great even if she didnt remember! :)
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u/LuOnReddit Aug 04 '15
My bf is very forgetful. We've been dating for almost three years, and if I asked him right now when our anniversary or my birthday is, he would answer incorrectly. He would know around what date it is, but he doesn't remember exact dates very well. He has also been known to make plans with multiple people over the weekend because he's forgotten his plans with one person.
That being said, while he never remembers my birthday, he never forgets my birthday. When he knows it's coming up, he'll do everything he can to remind himself. He puts it in his phone. Because he recognizes that it's important to me. Therefore, he makes it a priority. Forgetful people don't have to be inconsiderate people.
Basically, all we know about your girl is that she hits you up for money and can't remember/doesn't do anything nice for your birthday. She doesn't sound very considerate or willing to change. Not a good combo. I'd reevaluate some things.
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u/SpyGlassez Aug 04 '15
I don't remember dates for shit, and I have a string of similar dates for family. All different months but let's say Mom is Jan 10, sister is June 12, Dad is August 13, other sister is October 14 and husband is December 15. I never remember which day goes with which month birthday so I just start giving gifts and sending cards at the beginning of the month I know it's in so that I might actually get it right.
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u/vada2013 Aug 04 '15
Dump her on her next birthday
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u/CapLavender Aug 05 '15
Or do it like on the complete wrong day and say, "That's right, I'm dumping you on your birthday!"
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u/espurrious Aug 04 '15
What is she like otherwise, OP? It seems to me like there have to be other relationship flaws that go along with this. Is she super nice and giving otherwise? I don't mean that she isn't horrible/mean, but does she even TRY to do anything else for you?
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u/AnorhiDemarche Aug 04 '15
Do birthdays matter to her in general? She may not view birthdays as important.
Does she realize why your birthday and her remembering matters to you? like, I know you guys got into a fight but does she know why beyond she forgot your birthday?
For some people, even a daily reminder for the week leading up to the birthday doesn't help. I'm one of those people. To counter it I have a stash of presents for various people and if it happens I'm like "oh, that's today? I totally spaced! I got you this prezzie that you'll love ages ago though, Here it is!" It works well, Like, yeah I forgot but I remembered at some point that you were born and got you a little something.
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u/nobdaythrowaway Aug 04 '15
Do birthdays matter to her in general? She may not view birthdays as important.
Sadly, yes. She never forgets her mother's or sister's birthday. We usually buy gifts ahead of time for them. And she'd be really upset if I ever forgot about hers.
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u/AnorhiDemarche Aug 04 '15
I can certainly see why you're so concerned.
Could you tell us more about your argument about this? some of the things that were said by both of you? That may hold some clues as to why this is happening.
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u/cnotethepyro Aug 04 '15
I think you should forget her next birthday. And when she asks why, tell her you figured birthdays were not important and you decided to not acknowledge them anymore between you two.
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u/gerfy Aug 04 '15
Ahhhh...the passive-aggresive suggestion. I like it!
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u/cnotethepyro Aug 04 '15
I mean hey, he tried talking to her. She doesn't seem to give a shit!!! So why not?
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u/decomposeur Aug 04 '15
She's a hypocrite if she would be upset over you not recognizing her birthday while she forgets about yours. She sounds really selfish.
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u/Tea_cakes Aug 04 '15
It's interesting that you say:
We usually buy gifts ahead of time for them.
and then this:
but all she did was ask to borrow some money until she gets paid.
and then this big one:
And she'd be really upset if I ever forgot about hers.
Is she not good with money and do you primarily pay for things in the relationship? I kind of have the feeling that she's conveniently "forgetting" about your birthday so that she doesn't have to spend money on you. She sounds pretty selfish anyway if that isn't the case.
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u/troofhoof Aug 04 '15
I actually asked if she cared about birthdays in general, before I found this response by you.
Her actions are proof positive that she doesn't care about you that much. Certainly not as much as you care about her. And she's not willing to remember your birthday after you asking her to remember it speaks volumes. I am willing to bet that this isn't the only issue you have with her. She sounds selfish and self involved. There's probably tons of other things about your relationship that are shitty.
Is she really your girlfriend at all? Are you sure?
P.S Happy birthday!
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u/Delaroe Aug 06 '15
she'd be really upset if I ever forgot about hers
Don't congratulate her when it is her birthday. When she gets upset just ask her why she thinks it's such a big deal, because she does the same to you.
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u/espurrious Aug 04 '15
It really doesn't matter if birthdays are important to her or not. It'd be one thing if OP never mentioned it and it was not brought up at all, but she knows it is important to HIM. My SO may care about something completely random that means absolutely nothing to me, but you bet I'm going to acknowledge it if it means something to him. This is pretty insensitive no matter what her feelings on birthdays are.
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u/AnorhiDemarche Aug 04 '15
I'm not saying that what's important to her is all that matters. I'm simply attempting to give some sort of guide for finding the actual problem. By finding the problem, a solution can be found as well.
The being of the problem may be that she does not view birthdays as important, which leads to the second little suggestion that it could be seen as unimportant because she does not know why he values his birthdays so much. A little understanding of the situation can go a long way towards helping some one remember a) that something is important and b) when that important thing is.
Human beings in no way have perfect memory, and relationships are made of conflicts which must be resolved. This is merely one incident and she may literally not even remember it. I sure as fuck can't remember every argument I've had with my partner or everything important to him. He can't remember everything about me wither. no-one can.
If the girlfriends has some understanding of the importance to him of his birthday and why, it's more likely to be remembered than an argument.6
u/espurrious Aug 04 '15
They have been together for 5 years. OP has already discussed this with her and even suggested a solution to her forgetfulness. He didn't indicate it was a screaming match - he said they argued because it bothered him so much.
I really disagree with your point of view about humans being forgetful and therefore it's OK to forget arguments, birthdays, things that are important to your SO, etc. The point of being a functioning, decent human being is being aware of what matters to the people who you love and trying your best to keep those things in mind. No one is asking her to remember that one meal he ate three years ago and how many bites it took. This is just a completely ridiculous point you are making.
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u/AnorhiDemarche Aug 04 '15
And they've known each other 8, yes.
An argument does not have to be a screaming match to miss the point.
I'm not talking the minute details, I'm talking the arguments and the things they say are important. We can make no assumptions on her memory other than she presumably has one and it's human in form. Some people have bad memories, some people remember some things better than others, some people remember things better if presented in certain ways.
I'm going to make this very clear to you. In no way am I saying it's always perfectly fine for her to forget important things. I am simply saying that it happens, and suggesting reasons why it may be happening so that solutions may be found. I repeat, I am not saying that one shouldn't try to remember shit which is important to the people in their lives.
Could you please stop reading more into my comments than the actual content?
Since you're so passionate about this, I thought I would point out a few things.
1- asking questions like this can get the op thinking, and get them to consider things they hadn't before. you did it in your comment 'how are things otherwise'now, one might respond to you and say something like 'it doesn't matter how things are otherwise this is obviously a massive problem for op are you saying that it doesn't matter?' and generally read too much into it, or one could leave it as it is, a suggestion.
2- Yes, the cause of the problem does matter. If you do not know the cause a solution which works is less likely to be found.
Op has expended a little on his original post here, btw.
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u/Arcades Aug 04 '15
I'm terrible with birthdays too, but in this day and age of smart phones, Facebook, etc. it's nearly impossible for me to miss someone's birthday if I'm conscious that day.
Is this an isolated event or does it feel like this relationship is one-sided? Does she ever go out of her way to plan special surprises for you on the other 364 days of the year? What about big holidays?
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u/jusjerm Aug 04 '15
unless you have your fingers crossed that she is going to surprise you, make plans to meet up with friends or family for your birthday. If she doesn't get why you don't want to hang out or talk that night let her know it is because you expected her to blow off your birthday as usual.
How is she for anniversaries and other peoples birthdays?
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u/GSKingg Aug 04 '15
I can understand that for some people there is difficulty in remembering dates. It can be easily remedied by using reminders, alerts, etc.
The situation here is not forgetting the birthday. It's the lack of concern. Eventhough knowing how much important it is, the lack of efforts is the deal-breaking thing here.
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u/rkoloeg Aug 04 '15
I'm awful at remembering birthdays. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head the birthday of my mother, father, or wife, only the month. Anyone more distantly related is even more hopeless. I don't do anything to celebrate my own birthday, maybe that's part of it.
BUT, I have those birthdays in my Google calendar and I have it set up to e-mail me reminders 3 weeks, 1 week, 3 days, 1 day before and 8 AM day of. So I always am on point when it comes to getting presents, sending cards and making phone calls for people's birthdays. It's not that hard, 15 minutes of setting it up has saved my butt for years now.
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u/haitechan Aug 04 '15
I don't care about birthdays at all. Heck I don't even remember my sister's or mom's age sometimes. My friends are family are often the ones who make stuff for mine. However I do understand that they are important events for people. I suck at congratulating people (being autistic doesn't help much) but at least try to share their happiness with them. So, it sounds like either she doesn't care about bdays (probably not true after seeing one of the OP comments) or she doesn't care that much about your feelings.
Talk with her and tell that while she might not care about your birthday you do and it's important to you as it is important to her to celebrate her and her family's birthdays and that you expect at least some acknowledgement. I have Facebook/Google Calendar alarms to remind myself of an upcoming birthday so there's literally no excuse to forget. Good luck and happy (late) Bday!
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u/dahlialia Aug 04 '15
Unfortunately, what you can't do is make her care/remember.
What can you do? Any number of things:
Tell her you are hurt and disappointed, and need some space. Buy yourself the video game, some good beer, and spend a week ignoring her while getting your game on.
Call a moratorium on birthdays. (Incidentally, how is she with anniversaries, xmas, valentines day, etc?).
Make birthday plans without her.
If she is otherwise caring and attentive, then you could do what I do with my SO: "Hey, my birthday is next Tues. I'd love to go out to X for dinner, then go see Y movie".
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u/Ashrik Aug 04 '15
There's someone being forgetful and then there's this, which is someone not even trying.
I told her to add an event to the calendar on her iPhone if she can't remember.
This is exactly what a forgetful person who is trying would do.
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u/zombiesandpandasohmy Aug 04 '15
She doesn't care enough about you to bother remembering, or adding a notification in her phone. Straight up.
I bet if you look, there's other signs that indicate you're more invested in the relationship, and her, then she is.
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u/Dalaststarfighta Aug 05 '15
Sneak her phone. .. then enter your birthday in her calander with an alarm on your birthday
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u/MayReeAntonette Aug 05 '15
It's literally one day out of 365 she needs to remember. Are there other dates that are that significant to her ? Did she run for president or slay a dragon recently ? It's inexcusable, one year maybe but 8 ....
Forget me once shame on you forget me 8 times you better have amnesia .
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u/thebiggestguyever Aug 04 '15
She's using you. No one that cares about you would forget your birthday five years in a row.
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u/craaackle Aug 04 '15
I have a hard time with dates, really hard, I forgot the date of my own wedding. So I do everything in my power to help myself remember them. It's a red flag that she won't even put it on her calendar. There's another red flag in there, but I think you already know what it is.
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u/eeeeeeeeesa Aug 05 '15
Are there other things she is similarly indifferent toward in you relationship? Times when you express that something is important to you and she dismisses or minimizes it? (Trying to establish a pattern, if there is one.)
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u/Vinay92 Aug 05 '15
Does she seem like a self absorbed person in other ways, in general? How does she show she cares about you? If you don't feel like she does, can you ask her how she believes she shows she cares? This may be a case of different love languages.
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u/I_want_hard_work Aug 05 '15
all she did was ask to borrow some money until she gets paid
So uh... you make a lot of money OP?
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u/BandOfDonkeys Aug 04 '15
It seems like the only way you can get her to understand how it makes you feel is to ignore her birthday. 8 years is a lot of chances to get one right, you need to switch tactics if you want to get through to her.
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u/Sweetestpeaest Aug 04 '15
I have a really hard time remembering dates and I don't know why. I wasn't like this until a few years ago. I know I've probably made my SO feel a little hurt by this. I sometimes cannot remember the exact date of his birthday, but I'm always within a day or so....see even right now I'm like it's either Feb 20, 21 or 22. FML. Also, our anniversary....got it wrong this year. In my defense, he did too so we were able to laugh at that. And we were off by like 2 days or something so now I'm all confused as to which day it actually is.
I've had to tell people to be more pointed with me about stuff because my memory is just shit now. Maybe she is selfish. Maybe she is like me. Either way, you just have to tell her, again, how little it makes you feel.
Also, for what it's worth, I always thought my best friends birthday was in November, but it's in October...or it's the other way around.
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Aug 04 '15
[deleted]
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u/Sweetestpeaest Aug 05 '15
It's not like I'm completely heartless. I've got it on a calendar, but when we're having a conversation and something like that comes up and I don't remember it exactly then I'm still in the dog house. It strictly has everything to do with memory and not selfishness for me.
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u/Limberine Aug 04 '15
So when she works out that she forgot your birthday is she really sorry and tries to make it up to you, or is she just still uninterested?