r/shittyadvice • u/Demoniac_smile • 4d ago
I’ve decided to develop a substance abuse problem, what substance should I choose?
I’m kinda thinking opioids, as they feel pretty good. On the other hand, with stimulants I might be able to get some stuff done, y’know, maxx that ‘functional addict’ window. I’m open to suggestions though.
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u/SilhoueX 4d ago
Altruism
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Tried it, better than caffeine but worse than weed. Not really what I’m looking for.
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u/SilhoueX 4d ago
Milkshakes
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Could help counter the weight loss from the amphetamines I’ve been recommended.
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u/SimpleAccurate631 4d ago
It’s 2026. You gotta go all-in on the stimulants. It’s up to you how obvious you want to make it or not. Personally, I say lean into it hard. When you talk to people, talk really fast until you’re halfway through your point, then suddenly lose your train of thought, get a bit flustered, then just ask people “Have you heard the latest crypto news today??”
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Oh, I dunno… I’ve heard some nasty stories about what crypto will do to you.
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u/SimpleAccurate631 4d ago
Oh of course. Yeah definitely don’t even touch crypto. Just talk about it nonstop to others though. Really gets the point across that you’re doing copious amounts of stimulants
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u/Few_Ad_1550 4d ago
Oxygen, straight fire. Trust me.
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Been doing that for 37 years, it doesn’t do much for me. Only reason I’m still on it is that it’s cheap and withdrawl is a bitch and a half.
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u/Recent-Front682 3d ago
When oxygen in cans became popular, my place of work sold them, discount o'clock, it does make you feel good if you inhale like 3 cans in a row.
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u/Due_Adeptness_1964 4d ago
Meth was really fun, up until I got arrested and served 16months in county before I LUCKILY got 8 years probation. So yea, my recommendation is def crystal, esp when you consider how many more hours you’ll have to do activities since you won’t be sleeping much.
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
I already don’t sleep much, but it would be nice not to be so tired.
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u/Due_Adeptness_1964 4d ago
On a real note, are you consuming enough protein throughout the day? You’d be surprised how much a mid day shake can really give you the energy that not even caffeine can provide.
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Most days I take two or three shits. Like, I swear I don’t know where it all comes from. But Yeah, I get plenty of protein.
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u/Due_Adeptness_1964 4d ago
So this is definitely going to be random AF, but do you own a bidet? If not, you should look on Amazon right now and get one. I tell every man, if you ever been hooking up with someone and you’re worried that you’re just not fresh enough in the moment? It really helps those odds be in your favor. You just can’t compare the cleanliness of wiping and wet wipes to using, what I call, an ass hose..lol
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
I don’t. In all reality, I don’t have the money to get one.
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u/Due_Adeptness_1964 4d ago
They’re like $25. I think you’re talking about an expensive Japanese toilet. I’m talking about something that attaches to the water under your toilet, and it’s literally a hose. It also helps you spray the toilet down if you ever eat too much Taco Bell the night before
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
I use plastic grocery bags instead of trash bags because the budget is that tight. The only reason I have a phone and internet is because it’s impossible to do anything in modern society without them.
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u/Due_Adeptness_1964 4d ago
Essentially, I use so little toilet paper that a roll will last me several weeks. All I need per session is 2 to 3 sheets. You’re definitely spending more on toilet paper over a three month period, if not less. And I’ve had mine for almost a year and a half, it’s definitely saved over $100.
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
If I could go without cleaning my ass for a couple months maybe, but IDK what to do between the end of the last roll and having the money to get one.
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u/Freediver805 4d ago
The withdrawl from opiates and benzos are the worst so just mix those and you’ll never want to quit.
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u/astralfragments 4d ago
Huff solvents
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Good idea. Could come in handy if I also take up that other guy that said I should get addicted to glueing stuff. In case I glue the fridge shut or something.
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u/Shot_Rent_1816 4d ago
Sugar
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
It just doesn’t hit the same since I got a pancreas transplant and got rid of the type 1 diabetes.
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u/Difficult-Low5891 4d ago
Sugar is the best addiction.
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Like I told the other person that suggested sugar: It just doesn’t hit the same since I got a pancreas transplant and got rid of the type 1 diabetes.
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u/SamHandwich0 4d ago
Butter- smack it around a bit, call it names, squish it. You should totally abuse butter.
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u/yuribotcake 4d ago
Definately go with amphetamines, I hear cartel adderall is a very viable cheaper alternative. Plus it feels good, and the line where a person can actually acknowledge that they are in fact addicted is very blurry. Plus it's a great weight loss system.
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
But I’m barely a healthy weight as is, it took like three years to put back on half of the 60ish pounds I lost being too depressed to make a sandwich and I haven’t gotten the rest back in the 10 years since. I don’t wanna lose what little muscle I have.
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u/Recent-Front682 3d ago
Adderall. Then, at least, you will be able to figure out what you actually want to get addicted to. It cures my depression and in fact, makes me sleep and gives me an appetite. I highly recommend DMT as well. If you're not smoking pot, you need to start immediately. A pinch of mushrooms here and there. On rare occasions, a benzo or a line of coke. Snort some 5meo DMT if you ever have the chance. Benadryl has its own rhealm, take 100mg every night. Start there....
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u/Business_Garden6460 4d ago
Do you like owning things? Do you like having a home? How about friends and family? If you answered No to all of these you my friend should smoke crack. It’s like a tiny orgasm every hit and wait till you get a bell ringer…hooo boy just wait
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Well, I only got stable housing like 6 months ago, not looking to repeat that. So maybe I’ll pass on crack. Or at least smoking crack, I’m pretty fond of my partner’s crack.
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u/Chrispy8534 3d ago
10/10. Bee venom! I saw this episode of My Strange Addiction one time where a lady was addicted to stinging herself with bees. Like she had to become a bee keeper so she would have access to enough bees with which to physically sting herself. So you get both an addiction AND a useful hobby! You are SO welcome!
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u/Genmc67 3d ago
Biting your toenails. Not only is it a delicious snack but you also have to do a little crunch to reach them. So free exercise too!
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u/Demoniac_smile 3d ago
Eww, my toe nails are grody. Years of poorly controled diabetes did things to them. The nails get all flakey and chip off in bits.
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u/sandy_catheter Amateur Colorectal Phlebotomist 3d ago
The flakes of fungus and skin from within the folds of Gilbert Gottfried’s scrotum
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u/Demoniac_smile 3d ago
Maybe if he was still alive… I ain’t digging up a corpse.
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u/sandy_catheter Amateur Colorectal Phlebotomist 3d ago
Well screw me sideways, I didn’t know he was fin. Would you settle for some of my scro-kibble, then?
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u/Demoniac_smile 3d ago
Did you voice an iconic character from the 90s and have the cajones to get on stage and tell 9/11 jokes on 9/12?
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u/No-Boysenberry-3420 4d ago
You need drugs that bring you up during the day and those that take you down at night. The best addicts mix drugs and go 24/7. Bit first move to LA or San Fran so you can shoot up anywhere and get needles for free.
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u/RebaKitt3n 4d ago
Hot sauce.
And as a part of this substance abuse, you are allowed to collect many bottles of hot sauce, display them in your home, and tell people they can’t use some because “they’re special.”
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
I like sharing though. Also, I’m what my husband refers to as a ‘baby back bitch’, which is to say my spicy tolerance is minimal at best. Like, one packet of taco bell hot sauce stretched across 3 tacos is about what I’m good with.
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u/highwayqueen16 4d ago
The many meth heads in my stupid trashy town def look like they are having fun and not giving a shit. But man, their teeth are fucked up. I’m too vain for that personally. But as a chronically depressed person I am envious of their enthusiasm for everything.
Another more creative idea is to get a nitrous habit going, just make sure to get a b12 shot once a week or something. Good luck!
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u/Nutsaqque 4d ago
Dihydrogen monoxide
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Been on the dihydrogen monoxide for about 37 years, usually cut with something. It doesn’t do much for me anymore. I’d give it up but it’s pretty cheap and the withdrawl fuckin’ sucks.
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u/spilk 4d ago
mayonnaise
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
Me and my homies used to go to a Jimmy Johns and order a ‘gargantuan with enough mayo to kill a mortal man’ so often that they put a button on the register that said ‘E_TKMM’ because of us.
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u/Swallowtail13 4d ago
Opiods are bad to come off and shocking for your kidneys. I'd go for gummies like 30.mgs . Go for a natural abuse ..
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u/the_sleeping_one1 4d ago
Personally I find going all in on psychedelics to be insanely fun in youre someone like me who loves visuals and feeling out of body
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u/Demoniac_smile 4d ago
I would kill for visuals! I haven’t seen a thing while awake in almost 10 years.
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u/the_sleeping_one1 4d ago
Dude my absolute favorite is shrooms and I recommend never cheaping out for smoke shop shroom edibles unless their real but always just eat real shrooms for the best experience
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u/Lost_Reindeer_6548 3d ago
Opioid’s definitely not fun! You won’t be able to poop and you’ll become incredibly bloated and nauseous when you can’t get enough of them. Stimulants, you’ll get shit done in the beginning, but then again your body will break down quickly. It will be no fun.
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u/Hotdog_McEskimo 3d ago
Heroin/Fentanyl. When I got into heroin it was a whole process. Become a stoner, get introduced to mushrooms, xtc, acid, cocaine. Spend enough time with that, then try painkillers. Hang around for years doing painkillers until you find heroin. Run out of painkillers then reluctantly try heroin.
Nowdays, it's so common, you just need to hangout with stoners for a while, then find Fentanyl. It's so much easier. And the drug is crappier. But you wont care
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u/Grouchy_Fall_5933 3d ago
You depend on opiates to even get out of bed. Meff is better and not addictive.
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u/urbanhillbilly313 2d ago
Kratom. It's legal in most states and you get the benefit of opioid withdrawal if you try to stop.
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u/Demoniac_smile 2d ago
Unfortunately, its legality is by county in my state and my transport is limited to city bus. Guess which kind of county I’m in.
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u/Rude_Assumption6418 1d ago
Ugly Girls- they are sooo much fun and have great attitudes to make up for their BDS (Beauty Deficiency Syndrome)
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u/Demoniac_smile 1d ago
That would be a great idea, particularly since I’m literally blind, unfortunately I don’t think my husband would go for it.
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u/MostAcanthaceae2384 4d ago
Consider glue. Not getting high off it, just getting addicted to gluing things. When your friends and family check in on you after you drop out of your life, they'll find your life is in perfect, chemically-bonded order.