r/toastme • u/HawkBest5886 • 18h ago
M28 and never had a gf [HUGE UPDATE]
Probably some of you remember me from my previous post I made here in this sub, I wanna say thank you for the positive comments I received on those post that helped me with my depression.
I post this to see if my experience can help others who have been in the same situation as I had so they can see that not everything is over for them.
Months ago, ive been very depressed, had to deal with other issues besides my low self esteem but im getting better. Ive been struggling with my self image telling to my self that im disgusting looking, that no women would ever go out with me and that if i dont find love, I would end my own life. I needed women to tell me im handsome and to DM them. So I desperately posted on Facebook dating groups with no luck and posted on subreddit ratemes to only receive few comments like "3/10". Not to mention Omegle girls calling me a freak.
These experiences made me feel more and more depressed, every single day I had voices in my head telling me "you're creepy" "you're disgusting and ugly". Until the second time I posted here, ive received positive comments and people saying like I look like a certain actor. I searched this actor and he's not the typical Hollywood standards atractive guy but I saw why would other people consider him atractive, he looked authentic, ever since that i wanted to feel just like him.
So at the end I got tired of all this situation and told myself " Okay, I may be ugly for the majority of girls, but I'll try to look alternative because thats what I wanted to look like along time ago, doesn't matter if people dont find me attractive, at least I look good in my own eyes" and thats what happened, I stopped wanting to get attention from women and started to look like how I always wanted, now the negative voices in my head are gone. While this still hasn't help me get a gf (im not desperate for one at the moment) people come and talk to me, which didn't happen before.
Im happy how I look right know. With all this im not saying that you should also look alternative, but im trying to say that get a physical style that you always wanted to try, that way you will love yourself more without depending if a man/woman loves you. I know that deep down we will always want attention but we shouldn't let what people say or think that take over us, we should prioritize what we think about ourselves.
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u/eternal-harvest 15h ago
You're rocking that hair and guyliner! (Was it Cillian Murphy? Maybe it's just the haircut but I totally see that!)
I understand what you mean about feeling happier when you dress for yourself. By traditional beauty standards, I am the least attractive I've ever been... but I'm also the happiest I've ever been with my style/hair/makeup!
Keep on being authentically you, and you will connect with the right people. I wholeheartedly believe that.
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u/AdjustUrgencySnuggle 18h ago edited 18h ago
You look hot! (Is that okay for me to say? I better check the sub rules, this just popped up in my recommended) Edit: I think I'm good.
I'm so glad you've discovered this and now have more self esteem and self emotional regulation. When you out source your worth of any kind, as soon as that person is gone from your life (for a myriad of circumstances) you are just left with you again. If you can't rely on yourself to keep out of a suicidal depression, that's going to follow you wherever you go in life.
I'm glad you've made it over that hurdle and can love yourself. Honestly happy people attract happy people, if you got in a relationship prior I can only imagine how toxic it would have ended up (I've done and did that, not fun). WHEN not if, your person comes along it'll be so much more fulfilling that you can give her a healthy and complete version of yourself. Don't loose hope, tons of people meet their soul mates well into their 30s 40s and beyond. Honestly those stories are the sweetest. When she's there it'll be like no time has passed at all, it'll be worth the wait.
In the meantime keep putting away. Keep working on and loving you. Because you deserve it, and not every relationship you will be in is gonna have a person who is good at loving you. But if you love you, then you already have standards to compare to and you won't end up settling for an unsatisfying relationship.
I wish you all the luck and love the future holds for you ♥️
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u/Embarrassed_Put_7892 10h ago
When I was younger you’d have been exactly my type! You’re not ugly at all.
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u/BadKauff 18h ago
You are simply beautiful.
You are the road to loving yourself. That's exactly the right move. Reduce the drive for external validation and learn to love yourself. Once you do that, you can learn to love others and accept love in return.
Sweetheart, you've got this. I have 100% confidence in you. Big hugs!
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u/kinky_skittle 13h ago
I toast you for that balanced realisation and, above all, for doing you.
It is not wrong to need attention. We're very social beings after all and we need the feedback from others to see if their ideas of us align with those of ourselves. But sometimes you can bend over backwards and still not get what you're looking for. Maybe it'll happen another time, another place or with another person. It's great that it has actually led you back to the real you.
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u/ArcticAesthetic 14h ago
Remember this: you dont need to be attractive for the majority of girls, you just need that one girl to find you attractive! And you know what: shes out there and she will find you. Hold in there man, you’re above average in terms of look!
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u/FunTooter 10h ago
You are not ugly at all!
Insecurity and neediness can make one unattractive but it sounds like you are working on your self esteem. Keep it up - be who you are, congratulations on your glow up and growth!
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u/GREVTHEFAITHFUL 18h ago
Your Mascara declares your true masculinity and the woman of your dreams will transition to you.
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u/polarityofmarriage Toaster 17h ago
Be authentic, my friend, and you’ll find someone who matches your energy! Good luck and be well. 💛
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u/mossimossimossi 17h ago
Another way to look at this, is that, socializing is a crap shoot anyways. There's a local whiskey bar that I sometimes frequent for their half price whiskey days. I'm really only there for the extensive whiskey collection they have, but if someone sits next to me, I'll try to chat them up. Whenever I tell a guy about the whiskey or tequila deal, I usually get a cold response. I would say more often than not, people don't want to talk to me, but when they do, it's usually a great conversation that lasts the whole night. I can get people to feel comfortable as long as they are open to talking. Point I'm trying to make is, people's guards may be up (aka stranger danger) but that's ok. Most days people may be grumpy. Just move on and continue what you were doing. Keep up the good work!
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u/jjjjjjj30 15h ago
I like this look! And it looks good on you! I'm 41 now but when I was in 9th grade I dated a guy in my grade who was what we called "Gothic" back then, which many he wore the makeup like yours and everyone was really shocked bc he was so different from the guys I normally dated but I genuinely really liked him. Most "goth" kids were really standoffish but he was friendly too me and I thought he was really funny and I think it was also his confidence that attracted me bc like I said the other kids in his group would only talk to people in their group and no one else and I liked that he talked to me.
Anyway, I'm sure they told you in this sub last time you posted but please stay away from those rating subs, apps, whatever they are, stay away from the rating system as a system to accurately decide your level of attractiveness. They aren't accurate for multiple reasons, mainly bc the people who rate people by their photos suck.
I wish I could give you advice on meeting a gf but you're getting there on your own. You're getting closer. Being happy alone is the best way to find someone lol. Kinda sucks but also makes sense.
But yeah, I like the look, I'm happy I read this positive update before bed, so thank you for posting.
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u/HawkBest5886 14h ago
Yeah, getting away from those Facebook groups and those types of reddit subs was the best thing I did in my life. Most people their are very shallow.
Right know im not looking for a girlfriend but im pretty open to meet people, nothing serious for the moment. I do have a type of girl though, but most importantly I wait to find the one I genuinely match with.
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u/Marshen-7193 14h ago
You have very handsome shining eyes - they seem like you might be gentle and kind. Women might not pick up on you being interested in them though and might think you are interested in guys. Ii am not saying that to be homophobic, the opposite, given my own identity, but sometimes we may need to recognize people take risks chatting someone else when they feel they are on sure ground.
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u/HawkBest5886 14h ago
But the point is im not doing this to attract women, im doing this for myself, this is who I feel I am.
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u/Flat-footed-gumby 14h ago
You have a great attitude, its something I try to encourage when people struggle with negative self talk
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u/Past-Path-8435 12h ago
Yay! If you really think about it, nobody pleases everybody's eye, and the sooner you become unapologetically yourself, you can filter out those people quickly and draw in the people who will appreciate you.
I'm middle-aged and could write a book on my experiences in life so this is coming from experience. Okay, so just think about celebrities. Some people attract the whole world. But there are still people who just aren't attracted to their vibe. So as a regular person, we can experience the same thing and not take people not feeling us personally. We can accept that is a fact of life that applies to everyone.
Taking that fact, we can flip the traditional script. Instead of masking and trying to look good for the gaze of others and then getting rejected when we show our real selves, we front load the process. Lean into your own aesthetic and what makes you feel good, even if it doesn't align with what is socially presented as the norm. You hit a tipping point where everything you do is so uniquely "you" and it often works in a way that really intrigues and attracts those who like your point of view. Then, those who are disinterested in your core vibe are repelled immediately and you don't really have to deal with them. And you are magnetic to those who do appreciate your point of view.
For me, this process looked like initially trying to emulate social media or what I thought the gaze expected of me or what society wants me to look like, and being seen as unattractive when I failed. I'm autistic and there was always this inherent disconnect where I didn't understand what looks right and things always just looked a little off. Finally, I said "fuck it," and stopped caring. I just started wearing and doing what pleased me and what I liked and what was comfortable for me.
Somehow it made my aesthetic align. Since I leaned into what was comfortable and what I thought was pretty, my closet soon became filled with a floral theme and soft fall color palette that all matches. Instead of following what's trendy, I have what's comfortable- long, flowing moomoos for around the house; comfortable dresses for when I'm outside; warm sweaters on days where I want to feel extra covered up or put together; comfy suede brown flats that match everything else. I grew out my hair and focused on its health and it turns out it's naturally wavy. And it all came together to make this mature, sensual, clean, natural, bohemian aesthetic, which describes my personality and view. In contrast to trying to look young, get my lips done, emulate the modern clothing I see, trying to awkwardly reflect all of that.. I have my own unique aesthetic. And it works like a magnet, those who are repelled by it do so early, while those who like it find me from far away. I hope that makes sense :)
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u/thegreatinsulto 9h ago
You're building confidence! Congrats on being comfortable in your own skin, bro.
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u/No_usernames_left_25 8h ago
Unto your own self, be true! Glad you found your truth and are expressing yourself! Best wishes!
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u/YagLight11 4h ago
Dude you look like Erik Von Markovik, one of the leading guys who developed Vanusian arts. Just work on your interests and self esteem. You got this dude.
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u/Former_Mess1372 18h ago
You really rock that style! I didn’t see your last post but I’m glad things are looking up for you and I think it’s great that you are passing on your self reflection and learning as it will benefit others.
Being comfortable in yourself and knowing yourself better is a big step and will draw people to you. Many people struggle with self confidence and mental health and these can be life long difficulties. There will be good and bad days, but inner acceptance and knowledge will pull you through, as will asking for help when needed and finding your tribe… people who genuinely care about you.
Desperation and despair usually drive others away, so keep on nurturing your authentic self and your mental health, try to chill and enjoy the moments without putting pressure on yourself or others. You are enough, whatever happens, you are enough and valuable.