Insecurity

[u/nuwsszzs]

Hey, I have a huge problem.
I’m insanely insecure, I get jealous when I see other girls pretty (don’t judge me pls) and I hate when I see my man staring at women this made me sooooo devastated like I cry all the time about that thing, the problem is that I’m not ugly, everybody compliments me, but I don’t have the confidence to stop being jealous of other girls or about my bf pls help.

[u/AutoModerator]

Dear members,

Please keep the rules of r/traumatoolbox in mind while participating here. Please look at the Wiki (on the sidebar/menu) for any resources.

Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message ✉.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Grand_Basis_1491]

I need you to understand two things can be happening at the same time:

- Insecurity sucks, it affects how you view yourself and your relationships, and it has to (and can be) improved

- Your partner openly checking women out all the time does not have to be tolerated. I wouldn't. In fact, stuff like this is a dealbreaker in my book. Noticing an attractive person and having eyes is one thing. Going out of your way is another. Please make sure you're not with someone who feeds your insecurities.

Also, if your partner knows you struggle with this and still stares at other women in front of you, especially if he then puts it on you for "feeling insecure" and not accepting "it's what men do"- this is your sign to leave. He may be male, but that sure as hell ain't a man

[u/yoannmoess]

I wouldn’t focus only on “how do I stop being jealous?”

Jealousy can sometimes be less about the other women and more about what gets activated in you when your partner looks at them: “Am I enough?”, “Am I going to be replaced?”, “Am I still chosen?”

I see this quite often in the people I work with around anxiety and attachment wounds. The feeling itself isn’t necessarily the enemy. What matters is understanding what it’s protecting. And at the same time, your boyfriend’s behaviour matters too. If he’s openly staring in a way that feels disrespectful to you, working on your self-confidence shouldn’t mean convincing yourself that you’re not allowed to be affected by it.

Maybe the useful question is not only “How do I stop being jealous?”, but also: “What would help me feel more secure in myself and in this relationship?”

Those are two different pieces of the same problem.