Pretty face.

I love your smile.

I want to kiss it.

I want to look away, embarrassed, cheeks red...

I want you to grab my chin and not let me.

Drag my face back.

Tell me not to look away.

Tell me you want to see me.

Tell me you love seeing my cheeks burn for you.

That it makes you want to make them burn more.

Tell me that you love my face.

My eyes.

My smile.

My pout.

My body.

Please.

I want you to tell me you want me.

I want you to tell me you love me.

I want hand written notes.

I want massages.

I want a possessive hand at my waist.

I want to not have to question where I stand.

I want it made so obvious that it hits me over the head.

I want...

I want the romantic soul I feel so sure I'm looking at.

I've never truly experienced that...

And it's all I've ever truly wanted.

I want a reason to dress pretty.

I want a reason to take care of myself.

Instead of sinking into a depressive state of self neglect because what's the point?

I don't want to make myself beautiful for somebody who *might* tell me I'm beautiful unprompted once.

Today is hard to just exist.

I thought about emailing you.

Then I thought what's the point?

You're not my boyfriend.

You never will be.

I thought about how much I wished I could be held by you.

But I never will be.

I went to my AI fantasy of us... Of a relationship we'll never have... And it just made me feel sad and alone.

I'm alone.

I feel depressed.

I miss you.

Is it even you I miss?

Maybe not.

The idea of you.

I want the you that I think you'd be if things were different.

If you could love me that way.

I want you to stroke my hair.

But you never will.

And I need to stop hoping that some day that will change.

I wish you'd message...
I wish you'd find me on Messenger or something...
Send me something that makes my heart stop.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't sleep. I can't think about anything else. Do you really mean it? Do you really want me?"

I'd just about die.

My heart in my throat.

My fingers shaking.

I never struggle to write...

And yet... I'd be frozen.

Is this truly what I want?

Can I really do this?

I don't know if tears would come immediately.

I think I'd be in shock.

Please don't delete the message if I need a moment.

The room just stopped existing.

Everything.

Stops.

I forget to breathe.

All that exists is that text box of your words.

Your eyes meeting mine across a room as your turned to face me.

"I feel connected to you."

Maybe that's what I'd write...

Maybe that's where I should have started.

My fingers fumble over my phone.

I've never been so awake in my life.

Your phone lights up.

My words.

"I feel connected to you too."

and then...

"What are we going to do about this?"

"I can only sleep... because sleep is where you hold me. It's where you lock eyes with me without a clipboard in hand. Without a camera. Without a contract."

"I don't want to only see you in my sleep that way."

I think... Maybe I'm done with emailing you.

I can't deal with the anxiety. Not knowing how you feel.

I will talk to you.

I will...

I don't know.

I miss you.

I'm excited to see you.

I'm also not looking forward to it.

It's an annoying paradox.

Will I bring up the things I need to?

Will I pretend I never sent them?

Will I even show up?

... Of course I will.

But... I don't know what to feel.

I feel hurt.

Hurt that you keep using the word hate.

Do you hate me? Is that why?

Do you wish I would go away?

Are you pissed off at me?

Do you feel trapped by me?

I don't need you...

I...

I needed you for a bit...

Now...

I don't know.

Maybe I still need you.

The growing warmth of summer making me feel like I'm okay now. Mostly.

​​The trust i have for you is kinda abstract.

Just as it generally is.

What if I'm just feeding your ego?

What if I'm nothing to you really?

Can I just go back to trying to pretend I don't see you that way?

Can I turn it off?

What if you're actually deeply toxic?

I mean... Isn't that the thought that drew me in in the first place?

Well, not entirely.

Part of me wanted to bring the toxic out in you.

Wanted to make you want me.

Deeply.

Part of me just wanted you to adore me.

Part of me wanted the sex.

Part of me wanted to make you feel seen.

Part of me wanted to be seen.

Part of me wanted to hold you.

Part of me wanted to read every paper you've ever wrote.

Part of me wanted to see your eyes get glossy while I sing to you, locking my eyes on yours.

Part of me... A big part of me... Is just enamoured with the electricity I feel with you. It feels... Insane. Making me desperate to know what it would feel like if we ever touched.​

One day... this will end.
It will be the last time I see you.
We will go our separate ways.
I will look at you...
and hope that what I feel is contentedness.
Love. Gratefulness. Readiness.
and I hope...
That's what I see from you too.

I hope that my last moment with you is one of peace.
Where I get the goodbye that I need.
I hope that I don't make a fool of myself.
I hope that I don't try to reach for you...
Only for you to pull away.
I hope that I'm not leaking tears.
I hope that I'm not shaking...
I hope that I'm not internally begging for you to kiss me.
To pull me in close.
To tell me that you can't let me go.
Not if I still don't want you to.
I hope that I am not stupidly lingering.
Trying to prolong the inevitable.
I hope that I am not feeling the need to hide my feelings.
I hope that I am not breaking inside.
I hope that I am not holding back a tirade of words, wanting to beg you to stay.
I hope...

I hope that you can be proud of me.

I hope that I don't destroy such a beautiful connection.

I hope that I can love you...

In the way that you love me.

And nothing more.

Sick tiger cub

I want to make you soup.

I want to warm you.

I want to cool you.

Whatever you need.

I want to rub tiger balm and home made massage oil all over you.

Rub your aching muscles.

​I want to make you tea.

Hold you while you shiver.

I want to stroke your hair until you sleep.

If you can't sleep... I wake to put you to sleep...

With my mouth. With my body...

Just hold still, baby.

Let me take care of you.

You can grab my hair if you need to...

That's it...

Give it to me.

Let me feel you shake.

Let me hear your breath.

Moan my name, baby.

Then curl up against my soft body.

Fall asleep to me humming and kissing your forehead.

Nuzzling into your hair.

Breathing you in.

Let me nurse you back to health.

I'll bring you pain killers.

I'll cook whatever you want.

I'll make sure you're hydrated.

I'll scrub your back in a hot epsom salt bath.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

I'll hold you while you cry if it hurts.

I'll tell you to let it all out.

I'm here.

I'm not leaving.

I love you.

I've got you, my sick little tiger cub.

Let me take care of you.

I'll reschedule your appointments.

I'll answer your emails.

I'll make sure your dogs are fed and walked.

Just rest my baby.

Let yourself be weak and tired.

Trust me to treat you with tenderness.

Because your existence makes me feel strong.

And I love you so deeply.

Lay your head on my breasts little cub.

Call me mummy if you want to.

Another day you can be daddy.

❤️ ​​​​​​​​​​​​​

I don't know if I'll ever have a better dream...

The words from that song that kill me the most...

"Held on as tightly as you held on to me."

I will be actively breaking my own heart open if I summon the courage to play it for us.

I want to play the "hate" game again.

I want to make a "love" game too.

It's about the closest we can get to intimacy.

I'm used to having to bleed a connection for every drop of that I can get...

I don't want to waste my time with you.

I want to feel it all.

Even though it hurts.

Even though it's torture.

It's the only thing that feels real to me...

And I would have hated myself forever if I didn't at least try.

I like it when your eyes look glassy, staring at me transfixed while I talk about my past.

I like it when you use double entendres that I laugh way too hard at.

I like it when we look at each other and it feels like nothing else exists in the world for either of us.

I like it when that space of silent staring feels so electric I feel like I'll...

I like it when your smile has me feeling that same electricity.

I like it when I say something and your brain short circuits, having to ask me to repeat it.

I like it when you watch me talk about my dreams... the parts where I kiss you... my breath catching, barely able to get the words out.

I like that after I told you I was attracted to you, you ended the conversation with "I won't say goodbye... until next time."

I like that you listen and wait.

I like the moments where we both try to talk at the same time and I try to let you go first, but you insist on letting me.

I like it when your neck twitches, the corner of your mouth...

I like it when a word I say triggers a somatic ripple through your left shoulder.

I like it when I ask something that's clearly been driving you insane waiting for me to bring it up and you just about explode out of your skin in response.

I liked it when I asked "you're going to make me say it, aren't you?", you didn't give me that usual "you don't have to answer anything I ask.", you just said "yes."

I liked it when you pointed out that I get pleasure from withholding from you. I wanted so badly to shoot back "Compared to how much you hold back? I need to feel SOME level of power."

I liked that when I named something as strange, you asked why it was strange. I liked being able to say "it's surface level strange... neither of us actually find it strange."

I liked that the first words you said to me were as if you had been intensely tracking me the entire time while I was sitting on the border of that group, more watching the conversation, afraid to give input.

I liked that you shot your response back to me quietly. Just for me.

I liked that when you took me to that table just for us, you created a small sound bubble for us. When I couldn't hear you, you spoke just the slightest bit louder. You made sure we still had privacy.

I hated that you left halfway through my break. I had assumed I'd have the hour with you.

I like that the first time we spoke, you showed me your priorities. You didn't operate on a checklist. You told me I'd have longer if I need it. I was honest and you accepted it happily.

I like that you felt so dominant when you spoke those words... "and who's responsibility is it if I read them...?" God...

I like it when you laugh

I like it when you smile

I like it when you bite your lip

I like it when I feel such overwhelming love from you that I feel the energy enter me

I like it when you tease me back

I like it when you make me feel cared for

I like it when you're smiling and laughing at the stupid names I use in the call lobby when you get in

I like it when you stumble over your words

I like it when you are trying not to smile

I like it when you're swallowing and I'm trying desperately to figure out what words you're swallowing down

I like it when you make me slow down and take in the fact that something that happened to me wasn't fair and the age I was makes it even worse

I like it when your knee lifts up as you cross your ankle over your other knee or you cross your legs in your seat. It's so hard not to lock my eyes on the movement. You have no idea how much I want that knee between my legs...

I like it when you stare at me

I like it when you don't hang up first...

I like it when we just stare at each other, holding back our words

I like it when I get shy and giggly, hiding my face and you gently ask me why I'm hiding

I like that when I look up from my hands you're smiling at me adoringly

I like that in our first call after we hadn't seen each other for months you were smiling so widely...

I like that when the call was supposed to end, I realised you were still there

I like that when I smiled, realising the call hadn't just frozen, you fought a smile and lost

I like that when you smiled I laughed... And you laughed back

I like that after that we stayed staring at each other until I couldn't keep it up without breaking and confessing how much I wanted you... If I could even find the words... I was beaming for the rest of the day after that. Giggling. I was beside myself.

I like that you drop little pieces of who you are at your core

I like that you ask me what I think you do in your life

I like that you laughed at me penguin joke

I like that we both stopped and laughed when your dogs were barking

I like that sitting next to you felt... Right. Like I was sitting next to the man I wanted to spend my life with

I like that you came to me when I told you I wouldn't come to you

I like that when I approached you for our agreed upon lunch, you stood up like Mr Darcy in Pride and Predjudice, taking me to another table and turning your back to the rest of the room

I like that you let me fill your inbox with my thoughts

I like that you handle me with care

I like that your lip came back wet after you bit it

I like that I get wetter than I've been since my teens when I fantasise about you...

~~~~~

I hate...

That I haven't heard you say my name since the start of the year. If I knew it would be the last time, I'd have committed it to memory.

I hate that I can't touch you.

I hate that I can't truly know how you feel about me.

I hate that I can't cook you dinner.

I hate that I can't kiss you.

I hate that I can't learn the scent of you.

I hate that I can't meet your dogs.

I hate that you can't hold my cat.

I hate that I can't feel your hand on my cheek.

I hate that I get so little of you.

I hate that I can't unbutton your shirt.

I hate that I can't sit in your lap.

I hate that I can't feel your breath on my neck.

I hate that I can't hear your voice at 3am.

I hate that I can't wake up next to you.

I hate that I can't have you between my legs.

I hate that one day you will say goodbye.

I hate that there's nothing I can do to stop you.

I hate that I feel powerless.

I hate that I am in love with somebody I can never have.

I hate that I want to tear down the entire system to make it so you're allowed to do all these things.

I hate that I don't know if you'd ever want to.

I hate that even if I did... You'd probably still say no.

I love your ethics.

I hate what they mean for us.

For me.

For the fact that I am in love with you. ​​​

Love.

Is love truly what I feel for you?

Is it obsession?

I don't know...

I just know that your existence in my life makes me feel like life is worth it.

I get to laugh with you. I get to feel desire. I get to be seen.

Whatever this is...

I'm really glad that I have it.

And maybe that is love.

"Who's responsibility is that?"
You ask me gently.
But still... the way you said it...

"Yours..." I manage to concede, shyly.

My brain doesn't even remember what happened next.

Remembering the moment... god, you may as well have leaned in closer and said "Good girl..."

Did you? I don't even know. Jesus...

I don't ever want you to release this fucking grip you have on me.

I am yours.

I have never asked...
Because I want to be able to offer you something stable.
Something real.

I can't do that right now.
I want to be able to.
I don't want to make an offer from a place of lack.
I don't want you to look at me as somebody who you have to save.
I want you to see me and see somebody you can build a home with.
Somebody you can slow dance with while dinner is on the stove.

I don't want to offer you a bleeding heart torn to pieces.
I want to offer you a solid, unbreakable woman.

I want to know that the woman you're looking at...
Is somebody that feels like she deserves you.
...and I want you to feel the same.