r/ufyh • u/thembos_oceans • 9d ago
i need help
Apologies if this is super rambly
My boyfriend made a post about me a month ago here about me. I was rightfully torn to shreds in the comments. Post here. I so desperately want to change for them but I feel so consumed. I have always had problems with keeping my space clean and have never figured out a solution. I have ADHD, depression, and probably other factors playing into it. I think my biggest struggle has been being able to break the tasks into their components and so it feels like this huge insurmountable problem that I can never solve by myself. anytime i have worked recently it has triggered a breakdown because my brain floods itself with thoughts about how I'm a failure. I have an ED being exacerbated by how unclean it is, I just can't seem to get myself out of the executive dysfunction/avoidance hellhole. There is a possibility I have hoarding tendencies, I don't know.
i do have a whole mental health team, my therapist and I have been working on coming up with solutions recently and I always come up with grand plans for how to fix myself but when i need to actually implement it it just completely falls apart.
To address his comment about me breaking down when it gets brought up again, I have been constantly beating myself up mentally for so over this and I think that it being brought up through breakdowns just reminds me how much I feel like im fucking their life up and how much better they'd be if we never moved in together/weren't together at all.
Im not trying to make excuses for myself, just provide context. I so so desperately want to change for him and get better but I need so much help in doing it. I don't want to lose them, he feels like the best thing in my life right now. I will take any advice to help manage this.
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u/Glittering_Mode_3208 9d ago
So this worked/works for me. When I'm over whelmed
Set a 10 minute timer. You can do 10 minutes, that's it just 10 minutes.
Then either
Pick one item to collect (dishes, garbage, laundry, etc) and bring it to it's home. Dishes in the skin/kitchen, garbage in the garbage, laundry in the bin. Then you can work on 1 load of dishes, 1 load of laundry, or taking 1 or 2 garbage bags out. Repeat until done
Pick one shelf/counter/small space and clean it off properly. Tomorrow before bed check that that one space is properly cleaned
Or gamify cleaning. Write down 6 tasks to be done. Then roll a dice and complete X task.
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u/Glittering_Mode_3208 9d ago
I'll also say 99% of the time once I start moving I keep going after the timer goes off. As long as I don't sit and pick up my phone. That is a trap lol
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u/Reasonable-Mess3070 9d ago
If i sit it has to be at the kitchen table. I can re engage from there. If I touch that couch nothing more will be cleaned that day. Lol
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 9d ago
There's a lot of things you can do, and sounds like you are doing. I have sympathy for your conditions, I have similar ones. This is my comment on his post.
One small exercise I will add to the suggestion box is called "Breathe. Don't run." grab a trash bag and stand in an area with a lot of trash. An area where you feel panic and shame. If you physically can't stand long, bring a kitchen or office chair. Look at the area, and breathe. Don't run. You will have racing stressful thoughts. You will feel like shame has arrived to drown you once and for all. You might cry. But whatever you do, keep breathing and don't run. You will be teaching your nervous system that a bad feeling is not a bad thing happening. That you can face hard things and fix them. Because you can.
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u/Sufficient-Wolf-1818 9d ago
I fully understand the difficulty finding the tiny steps, but am learning.
I am doomscrolling with an empty plate on the floor beside me (licked by dog) and paper towel on my lap. Soon i will get up to pee, so will take plate to dishwasher, paper towel to trash bin. Two tiny steps, but better than i used to do.
The problem with clutter is it is very easy to see the remaining clutter, but not the plate and paper towel that havenāt joined the clutter. Pat yourself on the back for the missing plate and paper towel. Those are important accomplishments.
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u/hybridglitch 9d ago edited 8d ago
I feel this so much. Similar situation with my partner being so far beyond fed up that she cannot help me in the ways I actually need, while all the regular advice is "well just pick up the trash. just do the dishes." Thanks, I never thought of just doing it, I'm cured! I certainly haven't heard "just do the thing, why are you refusing to do the things you need to do" since I was 6 or anything like that.Ā Ā
I tried to solve it every way I could for 30+ years. My inability to actually do anything has been fueling my suicidality since childhood - that's how far back both the dysfunction and the shame has gone.Ā
I have tried professional organizers and cleaners and hundreds of strategies and tools and techniques and 15 years of therapy and all that, convinced I am just fundamentally broken because I would slip right back to paralyzing overwhelm, disgust, shame, breakdowns every time I tried to "just take stuff to the kitchen! just remember to pay your bills! just wipe out the sink every time you use it!" I would work myself sick only to make no visible progress or for everything to fall apart again in days.Ā Ā
The following is not medical advice, just my own experiences:Ā
I tried Ritalin in my late 20s and it just made me feel terrible and still not functional, so I lost hope for stimulants. I tried every non-stimulant option available in the U.S., and while some things improved (I can now make it to work on time usually!), I still could not manage any of the household care tasks.
I finally started Vyvanse about a month over two months ago (it has not helped my sense of time lmao), age very-late-30s, and you know what? For literally the first time in my life, "just pick it up", "if you're going to the kitchen take some dishes with you", etc. - all the "no shit, if I could make myself do that I wouldn't be in this situation" advice I've heard my entire life - actually works. It's like my brain can finally force my body to respond to commands like "stand up, go get a shower, wipe off the counter, throw that out".
I am not like... cured. A lot of the work I did over the years on systems and strategies have been essential. I've been in therapy focusing on the shame and trauma and self-loathing that built up since childhood. I've been taking better care of my sensory needs - part of why hand-washing dishes was so difficult was that it's a repulsive sensory nightmare (I consider a dishwasher an essential accessibility aid for my condition). I still fucking hate taking out the trash and walking through the spiderwebs in the alley. I am often too tired from just dragging myself through the day to force myself to take a shower or eat after work.
But I am finally able to do stuff. I don't just look at the piles and filth and go catatonic or have a breakdown. My partner is, at least for now, letting me continue to live with her as long as I'm making visible progress.
I am not saying any medication in particular will be right for you, just that if you cannot do the stuff everyone keeps saying you should be able to Just Do, it is not just a matter of willpower or effort - ADHD and depression are disabilities for a reason.Ā
I have some reading recommendations if you're interested, but I am not going to assign you any homework.Ā
Just... you're not alone, and you're not a morally terrible person for struggling with a disability. Seriously.
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u/hybridglitch 9d ago
Okay, now that I'm not just typing on my phone in the middle of work lol, a few recommendations.
Books & media: others have already suggested KC Davis' How To Keep House While Drowning and Dana K White's How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind. I'll add White's Decluttering At The Speed Of Life. I'll add ADHD Friendly Ways To Organize Your Home which is where I got the genuinely helpful "replace all your socks with one color and style, store them loose in a bin or drawer, and you will never have to worry about pairs or matching or folding again".Ā There are podcasts and YouTube videos by KC Davis and Dana K. White, if those are easier for you. I'm pretty sure they're also on Tiktok? Idk, I'm internet-old lol
Difficulty breaking down tasks: I have strong mixed feelings about AI, but its ability to break down tasks and help with other executive function problems has been a profound help in my life. Any of the big name chatbot ones do it fine, and it's easy to tell it your preferences and limitations and modify its suggestions to actually fit you (like, I don't need stuff about cleaning up after kids). If you'd like something cute and friendly, check out goblin.tools, which is built to use AI to support ADHD and other forms of executive dysfunction.Ā Ā The whole room is overwhelming? Take a photo and look at it when you are not in that room. It can be easier to see the actual objects separately in photos than when you're in the space.Ā
Overwhelm, too much stuff: Declutter. Like, keep getting rid of things until it becomes more manageable. I am working on this myself.Ā Ā I know it sucks. I know it's hard. I know it can be painful. I know when you're financially insecure it can be terrifying. But the deepest source of overwhelm for me is there is too much stuff for my space. Do not worry about discarding things properly - recycling, "maybe I could sell this" (it's not worth it), "I spent too much on it" (the money is already gone - you paid for the lesson "I don't need this"). "I have to give this to the right person" (no, it is just an object that you have to get out of your home). Everything we see around us will be garbage someday - do you want your home to be a waiting room for the landfill, or do you want a functional living space? If deciding how to properly get rid of something is keeping it in your space, it is trash. The less stuff I own, the easier it is to manage the space and the objects within it.Ā
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u/devilpiglet 9d ago
Great points here, OP.Ā
Hang in there. It's so clear you're hurting and there truly are ways to lessen this pain.
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u/thembos_oceans 9d ago
i have tried a lot of stimulants and never found one that didn't completely exhaust me and force a shutdown nap or was actually effective. i am technically on atomoxetine (spelling is prob fucked up) but I remember to take it maybe 4 times a month so it's not actually useful
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u/hybridglitch 9d ago
That's fair. Atomoxetine does require daily dosing to be effective and I get how hard taking meds regularly can be.Ā
I'll say Vyvanse is the first and only stimulant I've tried that didn't trigger panic, irritability, and exhaustion-crashes, but I started at a relatively low dose that had little effect just to make sure my body would tolerate it, and then we doubled the dose after a month and that's when the efficacy really kicked in. But everyone's bodies and brains are different, it can all change as one ages, and different meds interact differently so if you're on anything else (e.g. antidepressants) it takes a lot of trial and error. I say all this knowing I put off trying it for years because I was convinced it wouldn't help at all, because nothing else really had so why would that one? ButĀ I was truly beyond my last straw and was willing to try anything.Ā Ā
Some folks do better on different meds, and some can manage stuff with lifestyle changes and intense routines and scheduling and stuff, everyone's different.
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u/thembos_oceans 9d ago
i can't remember if I tried vyvanse as a teen/adult but I know when my parents gave it to me in 2nd grade (questionable decision making possibly) it had no effect during the day but then at night I was Awake and cleaning at like 8:30 or something instead of being in bed. i think the atomoxetine was mostly effective, at least the most effective I have found, but then my pharmacist pointed out my antidepressants, sleeping med, and atomoxetine could have an interaction leading to serotonin syndrome so I was recommended to switch one of them to a morning med instead. i am really good at my night time med routine because I can't go to sleep without a sleep aid and I was really good at morning meds until I got to college and then my med routine went out the window. I'd like to get back on it but I havent found a system to help myself remember taking it either. my morning routine is super random, the only part that is regularly consistent is putting my contacts in, I've tried doing my meds attached to that but it wasn't super helpful
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u/Stage-Wrong 8d ago
Iāve also struggled with morning meds in the past, but after my narcolepsy diagnosis, taking morning stimulants became essential.
The best advice I have to remember is to put a tiny bowl out next to where you keep your contacts. When you do your nightly meds, put your morning meds in the bowl, and leave a water bottle/water cup with them. Then theyāll be easy access to take in the morning. I always put my morning med in a bowl next to my glasses on my bedside table so I take it right when I wake up, because I canāt grab my glasses without touching the bowl and reminding myself. It may not work for you, but it could be worth a try?
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u/No_Dragonfruit_3034 7d ago
The way your body reacts to a medication when youāre a child and when youāre an adult can be very different. Also, sometimes stimulants can make you sleepy at lower doses but then actually work as intended at a higher dose. Itās worth tinkering with if you and the people around you are suffering this much. I also take Wellbutrin, and that has helped my motivation as well, and I feel like it helps me avoid an obvious crash when my Vyvanse wears off (I can be productive in the evening too sometimes!).
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8d ago
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/hybridglitch 8d ago
Oh, stopping my ruminations has been an unbelievable benefit. Like even otherwise well-medicated for anxiety I still had constant obsessive spirals going on in the background, all the time. I thought that was just what my brain was like.Ā Ā
It was the first real change I noticed when I started Vyvanse at a relatively low dose - I went through a day at work and realized I hadn't had that loop playing in my head all day, I was just... working. I still was thinking a lot, but like, about a variety of things. When thoughts about the topic of fixation came up, I was able to move on.
Truly wild. Did not know that was possible for me lmao
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u/Joubachi 9d ago
I'm with you there sadly as I also struggle a ton, can't find a solution yet and just get overwhelmed yet also so damn guilty and ashamed even though I live alone. It just sucks. But you are definitely not alone. I know the feeling of wanting to prove that it isn't just laziness but a whole damn problem that stresses oneself out way too much.... I don't think you deserve to be torn to shredd either. It's already hard enough navigating through the feelings you have of yourself, no doubt.
However one thing for me stood out for me here: "I want to change for him"... Change for yourself. How that's done - I wish I knew. What helped me get a start again was being less harsh with myself, giving myself more time, and trying to do everything bit by bit. How I'll keep it tidy, I'll have yet to see tbh.
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u/Ok-Culture2947 9d ago
You said you have a problem breaking down the tasks into manageable parts. Please check out a site called Goblin Tools.
You can type in a task and adjust how broken down you want the steps. It has 5 levels. You can also add or take away steps (like remove water the plants if you have no plants).
You could maybe print it and put it in a binder for each task with doc protectors so you can use dry erase markers and mark off as you go.
Plus I don't know if PDA (pathological demand avoidance) is an issue for you or not. From what you both have written it may be something to look into. If my husband tells/asks me to do something I guarantee you it is not getting done. If he says "would you rather do dishes or laundry?" there is a much better chance that one of them gets done, because I made the choice.
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u/PageStunning6265 9d ago
Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
So maybe tomorrow, the only thing you do is gather up all visible garbage in one room, bag it, take it to the curb. No big plan, no burning yourself out trying to power clean your entire life. One task that feels manageable
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u/Dye_Hard_Stylist 9d ago
There's a book called How to Keep House When You're Drowning. It helped me quite a lot. I believe it was written by a mental health professional rather than an expert on keeping house. The premise of the book is to move away from thinking of mess as a moral failing. The practical advice is to create cleaning/organizing habits that work for YOU rather than doing things the way they're "supposed to " be done. For example, if you can't seem to put away your clothes-- have a clean clothes bin right by the dryer and get dressed there.
The book helped a lot with my negative self talk and the task paralysis that comes from it.
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u/Try_at-your-own_Risk 9d ago
You need to do it for yourself because whether you are together or not you deserve to live in a clean space.
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u/necrotelicom 9d ago
To quote the 3 Immortal Sages, "We need body-rockin', not perfection / Let me get some action from the back section".
Your partner wants to see 2 things: effort & consistency.
Reading through all the advice feeds the optimization beast.
The secret is that the beast lies.
Let's get that action from the back section.
Pick a method right now.
Grab a trash can/rubbish bin & a bin liner, gloves, a dust mask or scarf for your nose, & whatever else the method calls for.
Pick a room to start.
Take a picture for afterwards.
Set a timer for 15 minutes & GO.
At 15 minutes, stop & take another picture.
Go to room 2 & repeat - photo, timer, tidy, stop, photo.
Then room 3 & beyond.
Do 1 full round of tidying the apartment.
Report back with the method you used & what worked & what didn't. Post your progress photos.
I'm so proud of you for asking for help.
Make yourself proud by trying your best. š„°
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u/necrotelicom 9d ago
I'm partial to KC Davis, myself. Here you go:
ā¢ Trash: Walk around with a bag and pick up all the garbage first. Do not take the bag outside yet; just collect it.
ā¢ Dishes: Gather every cup, plate, and utensil and put them in the sink or counter next to it. You do not need to wash them yet.
ā¢ Laundry: Pick up all stray clothes, shoes, and fabrics and put them in a hamper or basket. Do not start washing them yet.
ā¢ Things that have a place: Go through the room and put away items that already have a designated home.
ā¢ Things that don't have a place: Gather the remaining unassigned items into a single container, box, or pile to deal with later.
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u/erstwhilelurkerer 9d ago
It seems like she either has to ignore the problem or she will break down over it, even when it's just a few dishes or taking the trash out. I've tried offering for us to do chores together, and she just doesn't. I've tried pointing out specific things for her to do, and giving timeframes for when they should be done, but she won't do that either
If that's true you and combined with your mental health team you seem to have pretty solid support.
Someone pointing out tasks, reminding you, offering you to team up - I don't know what more could be done, tbh.
Have you tried setting up detailed cleaning schedules?
If both of you do just a bit every day it won't get to such an overwhelming state.
What about a dishwasher?
Maybe reorganizing your home could help (e. g. everything should have a fix and logical place) and you could hire a professional organizer?
How did you deal with this before moving in with your partner?
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u/thembos_oceans 9d ago
we don't have a dishwasher. we are both college students and can in no way afford a cleaner. before living with them I had 1 or 2 people who would help me clean when it got bad. ive always struggled with keeping my spaces clean on my own. in my last apartment it was like this or worse and at the end the apartment called my parents to make sure I was moving out of they would start the eviction process. I told myself I'd change after that but clearly that hasn't worked out
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u/Dye_Hard_Stylist 9d ago
Get paper plates
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u/trumpeting_in_corrid 9d ago
I read the partner's post - she has, she doesn't throw the used ones away.
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u/erstwhilelurkerer 9d ago
But could you get a dishwasher?
I was suggesting an organizer, not a regular cleaner. Maybe you could ask your family to gift you the needed sessions or take on a bit of extra work for a while if that's an option?1
u/thembos_oceans 9d ago
I don't think our apartment allows any in unit portable dishwashers/washing machines and we don't really have the counter space for one either. I don't think my family would pay for that and I am limited in my hours because I work for the university and they limit us to 28 hours a week. i need to save up as much as I can because I graduate in May and my parents will stop paying for my expenses then.
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u/hardy_and_free 9d ago edited 9d ago
Have you ever tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)? Talk therapy isn't helpful for motivation and behavior. You'll never talk therapy yourself into doing the dishes if it hasn't work already. DBT is extremely helpful in building a life you want even when you feel like you can't or feel like you don't want to take the steps, especially when you don't want to.
That's the entire point of DBT. Giving you the skills, tips and tricks to do the hard stuff that makes up a good life. But you have to do the hard work. You can't wait for motivation to suddenly kick in. It never will. You have to take action in spite of your feelings.
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u/thembos_oceans 9d ago
i don't remember the approaches I've tried. i think I've done some CBT work with a previous therapist, im not sure what my current one uses
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u/hardy_and_free 9d ago
DBT is much different from CBT. It's a weekly appointment, sometimes more than once per week, at least 3 hrs per session. It's with a group of others with similar challenges and you practice these skills, reinforce them and build upon them. Ask your individual therapist or prescribing physician for a referral to group DBT.
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u/Visible-Animator-308 9d ago edited 9d ago
I have ADHD, CPTSD, and I was recently diagnosed with BPD. After 3 years of therapy (2x/wk) and a slew of different meds, I have finally managed to permanently UFMH. I will speak to you like I now speak to myself.
You can want to change all you want. Doesnāt make a difference. You need self discipline. You know what needs to be done. Stop waiting for someone to hold your hand and baby you and just do the things that need to be done.
Edit: After reading a handful of your replies, I feel like youāre making a lot of excuses. I feel like you just wanted sympathy and to not feel like the bad guy cause you got rightfully called out.
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u/SubstanceOk7898 9d ago
I really relate to the ADHD - depression - guilt - paralysis spiral. I've been in it real bad a couple of times. The unfucking tips might be good ones, and unfucking can be part of a positive spiral.
And also, both times I've been in the pits it was getting the right meds that kicked off the upward spiral.
I guess we just have to keep trying tiny experiments in different areas to find what might shift things. Wishing you so much luck with finding a way through.
Hoping you and your boyfriend can both give lots of grace to both of your selves. You're both dealing with a really difficult situation. š
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u/MoreAdhesiveness5020 9d ago
I understand about being overwhelmed. Try a different approach. Give yourself permission not to tackle everything at once.
Focus on one area and develop the habits that will keep it clean then move on to the next area. If you show your boyfriend that you have a plan and are working on it every day I think that will help a lot. Both of you will feel better if everyone is on the same page.
Your boyfriend is most concerned about the dishes so Iām betting he will help you get started with this. Set a time and go through the apartment together collecting and washing everything.
Now, you have one job for a week and youāll be surprised at how little time it takes. When you are home set an alarm for every two hours. Walk through the apartment and collect any dishes. If there are any dishes in the sink, do them. If there are dirty pots wash them. If there are dry dishes, put them away. It doesnāt matter who got them dirty, your mission is complete Annihilation of dirty dishes. If there are no dirty dishes on your walkthrough celebrate! What you are doing is training yourself to see that particular mess and deal with it.
After the week you can decide if you want to work on it exclusively for another week or move on to something else.
Floors would be what I would pick next because clean floors make a big difference.
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9d ago
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u/thembos_oceans 9d ago
I used to body double/work with others to help keep my space clean before dating him. ive tried suggesting doing it again for dishes or having one of us wash while the other dries so I'm not stopping when the dish rack is full but I don't think that sounds appealing to them. the two people I used to body double with was an ex and an ex friend and I don't really have anyone close enough that I can ask for their help with this
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u/platetectonik 9d ago
Thereās online body doubling now. So like community of adhders put on their cams together for an hour as they all get stuff done. Maybe look into it if it sounds like something you need
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u/hybridglitch 9d ago
I have used Focusmate for this a few times. Knowing there's someone who can see me helps keep me on task. It's free for up to 3 sessions a week, IIRC?
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u/Amylou789 8d ago
I was just trying to think of the name of focus mate too. It has definitely helped me have scheduled time to study with someone with me virtually doing it too
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u/Appropriate_Roof_223 9d ago
Yesterday I cleaned my room while on call with a friend while she made her breakfast. If you have good enough relationship with your mom, you could even call her. Sometimes I call my mom to give me motivation to clean and she will give me positive reinforcements such as I can order takeout after I clean. I am 32 years old lol. Just to say, you can body double with anyone on a call and give yourself little treats after you finish a task.
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9d ago
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u/deartabby 9d ago
I think you unintentionally made it sound like the ājust do itā advice ADHD people have heard all their lives.Ā You probably didnāt mean that, and your advice to is still useful for someone who can get past their block to starting.
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u/Amanita_deVice 9d ago
I feel you about being overwhelmed by the scale. It feels like this enormous mountain thatās impossible to climb and itās madness to try and you have no idea where to start. To make things worse, all the failed attempts and being told by your partner āwhy canāt you do this? I can do this!ā has made the mountain loom even bigger in your mind.
The process of turning the big, impossible goal into small achievable steps is not something everyone instinctively knows how to do. It can be learned. But, like anything else you learn, it needs to be practised. You will be bad at it. And then you do it again. And again. Until that muscle starts to strengthen and it becomes easier. You will get better.
Let me repeat that in a different way: expect to be bad. If you manage your expectations and understand that not achieving perfection (ie failing) is part of the process I hope that makes it easier to persist.
Start with very small, achievable tasks. Throw away one piece of rubbish. Put one item of dirty clothes in the laundry basket.
Thought patterns are important. If you catch yourself thinking āhow can I ever clean all this up?ā or āIāll never be one of those clean and tidy peopleā you can choose to think something else. Take a deep, cleansing breath and actively choose to think a positive affirmation āI deserve to live in a clean, comfortable spaceā or āwhat is ONE THING I can do RIGHT NOW to improve this space?ā Which might be throwing away that one piece of rubbish. But, hey, hereās another couple of positive reinforcements: every little bit helps. And all progress is progress.
Think of it like going to the gym. If you want to get fit, you start with the lightest weight you can comfortably manage, and lift it just a few times. Then after a few visits, you might be able to increase the repetitions. After a few weeks, maybe you go up a weight level, and drop the reps back down. The point is, if you go in expecting to lift a hundred kilos twenty times in a row, of course you wonāt be able to do it! But that doesnāt mean you will never be able to. Start small, gradually increase the frequency, and I promise, I promise it will get easier. Be patient and kind to yourself.
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u/ExpensiveEcho7312 9d ago
Take a minute while your in a good mental state and do a recording for yourself when you actually have to clean and donāt know what to do - itāll help sort your thoughts and navigate.
"Donāt put it down, put it away" from now on never put things down again - they immediately go into the place they belong to.
Every few hours take a look around and see if thereās any trash laying around that you forgot to put away. Do it in steps. Trash - dishes - clothes - organizing
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u/Newswatchtiki 9d ago
We all have been stuck like this. We all want to wake up with super energy and motivation and start tackling the job and work 6 hours and make huge progress.
I have no answers other than try to get up early, do what you can, but take breaks, and just start doing whatever part of it you want just to get started, and then seeing some good results will motivate you to do more. Use whatever works for you - a plan, or follow a sequence of tasks. or just start doing stuff in any order. Anything that gets folded up and put away, or thrown out, or any table or counter which gets clear is progress.
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u/No_Dragonfruit_3034 7d ago
My suggestions:
Get a medium sized trash can with a lid for every single room. Set an alarm to take out the trash every two days or twice a week or however often you need. Make sure the alarm is set for a time when youāre always home.
Put a laundry basket in every room. Yes, even the kitchen. Any time you take off an item of clothing, even one you might want to wear again later, it goes in the laundry basket.
Get some moving boxes or plastic tubs and put everything that you donāt need in the next 7 days and put them in the boxes. You can try to categorize or label them a little, but if it gets overwhelming, just chuck stuff in. Stack the boxes against the wall or in a closet. Now you have less visual clutter.
Everything thatās left goes in tote bags. If dishes are in the sink, clothes are in the laundry baskets, trash is in the cans, and everything else is in bags or boxes, youāll have an actually cleanable space.
Set a goal to sort through one bag and/or box per day, or if thatās too overwhelming, to get 3-5 items from a bag or box each day and either get rid of it or find a space for it. If you have to go looking for an item that you need in one of the bags or boxes, the rule is you have to also put one other thing away, and if you dump a box or bag, it all goes back in immediately.
But also, meds.
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u/Connect_Rhubarb395 6d ago
Will you be able to get a support worker who can be with you for an hour a couple of days a week?
Then you don't have to rely on your own broken executive function.
For me, the breakthrough was realising that I could literally do just one thing.
Taking one piece of trash to the trash can. Nothing more.
Now the home is one less piece of trash better.
And you get to experience how your body reacts in the smallest and most non-scary way possible. You can slowly teach your body that it is not dangerous to tidy and clean.
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u/PartialBread 3d ago
I've been there. Maybe not to those levels but close to it.
While you find the way to overcome your internal obstacles, you have to massively reduce you capability to make messes. You get one week of clothes. Everything else goes into storage. You get one plate, one cup, one bowl, a fork, a spoon, a knife, one pan and one pot. You sit your ass in the kitchen to eat, and food stays there. You don't do the dishes right away? Cool. Next meal if you want to eat you're gonna have to clean them before you do.
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u/Only-Comparison7420 8d ago
Iām not sure what your stance on AI use is but using it to help me clean and keep my space clean has been life changing. Iām 40 years old, have ADHD, and have never been able to keep my space clean consistently, regardless of all the tips and tricks and reading and methods Iāve tried in the past. And now I do it without really having to try.
For the initial unfuckening I use Claude (and now use the method it developed to consistently today and clean keeping it from getting it that way again). I added photos of my apartment in its then current state (it was bad bad) and gave it an overview of the situation and how my brain works and why I was struggling, and how much time I had and the level of urgency (a friend was coming to stay). And it developed a method for me, that helped me initially get the apartment clean and now helps me keep it that way.
The core idea: instead of "clean the apartment" it gives me one small task to complete in 20 minutes, followed by a 10 minute break, the task is always focused on one room or even one surface, nothing else. I can keep repeating the task requests until im done or Iām ready to tap out. It wonāt tell me what the next task is and I don't get to pick the next task either, which sounds small but matters a lot: deciding what to do next is often the actual barrier, not the doing. Donāt even get me started on the getting stuck in one hyper fixation loop and realizing Iāve spent 40 minutes sorting photos while there is garbage rotting in a bag by the doorā¦.
How it works in practice:
ā¢ I say roughly where I'm starting and how much time I have (I uploaded photos a couple of times but now donāt really find the need to).
ā¢ It gives me ONE specific task (just the kitchen counter, remove items, wipe down, etc. 20 minutes)
ā¢ Timer goes off, I stop even if not finished , unfinished is fine, that's tomorrow's problem (this was a big shift for me too)
ā¢ 10 min real break (not "productive" break, actual rest)
ā¢ Repeat
Why it works for me specifically (I have ADHD):
ā¢ Removes the decision paralysis of "where do I even start"
ā¢ Small defined tasks feel achievable, not overwhelming
ā¢ Not knowing what's coming next keeps me engaged somehow
ā¢ Permission to stop at the timer means starting doesn't feel like opening a bottomless pit
Other things that helped:
ā¢ Sending photos of rooms so it could see what's actually there and give specific next steps instead of generic advice
ā¢ Asking it to flag genuinely time-sensitive stuff (for me it was bird-proofing my balcony before a trip) separately from the "someday" list
ā¢ A running "Later List" for bigger non-urgent stuff so my brain doesn't have to hold onto it mid-cleaning
Iām now able to use the one small task method on my own which has helped me stay on top of things, and I can also ask Claude for a few tasks everyday if I feel myself slipping into past habits, or use it as a check in - upload photos and ask what shouldnāt be doing.
Having a constantly clean place felt truly impossible before and now itās part of my routine. And, the dopamine and positivity hit Iām getting is keeping me on track. Iām cooking more because my kitchen isnāt a mess, Iāve had curtains hung and started to redesign my apartment because I can have people come over to complete home tasks for me, friends come over all the time, itās great! Sending all my good wishes your way. Youāve got this!
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u/SolidagoSalix 9d ago
Check out KC Davis' book How to Keep House While Drowning. I suggest you get the audiobook and listen to it while doing dishes and/or throwing away trash.
It sounds to me like you need a lot of self compassion, because actually all the negative self talk is pushing you further into a freeze state of being unable to begin.
I'd also warn you agains the "grand plans" you mention, because that all or nothing mentality often lands into nothing. Having a grand plan often means that it's hard to start because it's too big of a list/plan and is intimidating, or even if you do begin, the minute something goes wrong it feels like "oh this is hopeless, this plan won't work, I need a new plan."
Instead you need a few small steps you know you can take, and you know will help. The goal needs to be PROGRESS not perfection. BETTER, not fixed.
Another resource would be Dana K White's work; she has books, podcasts, youtube videos, and more. I'd suggest starting with How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind which is also a good option on audiobook.
Honestly, even if you just start listening to those two books and Dana's podcast, the ongoing exposure to a different way of thinking about household work might be a good mental reframe for you.
I can tell this is hard on you and your relationship. It won't be an overnight fix, but finding a few tiny tasks that you're able to do with confidence will be a good way to start building up self trust and confidence in this arena.
One other last thought: it might be that you have some sensory stuff around dealing with dirty dishes. It took me a while to realize that I was avoiding mine because I didn't like the texture on my hands or even minor smells. I started wearing a k95 mask while doing dishes and/or dish gloves (depending on how long things had been sitting unattended) and it made it way easier to begin.