She deleted 350+ messages I sent trying to explain myself, and now I feel like I have nobody. How do I start over? (19M)
I'm 19M, and honestly, I don't even know where to start.
I was in a long-distance relationship for almost a year. I proposed to her on 11 October last year, she said yes on the 21st, and now we're ending things around almost the same dates. I never thought it would end like this.
For the last month or so, things between us had been getting worse. She started ignoring my calls, sometimes cutting them to talk to a male friend. She would stay up talking to him late at night, and there was also another guy who openly flirted with her even though he knew she was in a relationship.
I tried telling her that these things bothered me, but most of the time, it turned into an argument. Maybe I didn't always express my feelings in the right way, but I wanted us to talk about things and understand each other.
Eventually, she started ignoring me for days while still being active with her friends and on social media. When I tried asking her about it, she said something like, "Mera account hai, main kuch bhi karun, tujhe kya?"
That really hurt me.
I won't pretend I handled everything perfectly. I lost my temper during an argument and said something harsh about her wanting attention and being with me for that reason. I know that hurt her, and I regret saying it. I apologised multiple times because I genuinely didn't want our relationship to end over that argument.
But after that, she stopped talking to me. She eventually said we should just be friends because she couldn't handle my temper.
I kept asking for one proper conversation. I wasn't asking her to stay with me against her wishes. I just wanted to understand what happened, where things went wrong, and whether everything we had shared for a year really had to end without a single proper conversation.
I sent her more than 350 messages on WhatsApp, trying to explain myself, apologise, and say everything I couldn't say properly before. She told me she wouldn't even read them and would delete them. And she did.
The screenshot I've attached is from one of our conversations. I asked her why she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and when she said I meant nothing to her now, I told her I had just wanted to say what I needed to say. Her response was that I'd already betrayed her trust.
I don't know if I'll ever fully understand her side of things. I know I made mistakes, and I'm not saying I'm innocent in everything that happened. But being left with so many unanswered questions has been genuinely painful.
The hardest part is that she seems to have people around her. She's talking to friends, going out, posting stories, and carrying on with her life. I know social media doesn't tell the whole story, but seeing it while I'm struggling to get through the day makes everything worse.
Meanwhile, I have practically no close friends. I'm not very connected to my family either, so I don't really have anyone I can sit with and tell all of this to.
I started smoking during this period because the anxiety and emptiness felt unbearable. I'm not proud of it, and I know it's not a solution. I just didn't know what to do with everything I was feeling.
I'm barely eating properly, my sleep is messed up, and I keep crying or thinking about what happened. My exams are starting in a few days, and I can't get myself to concentrate. I keep checking her socials even though I know it hurts me.
A part of me still wants her to talk to me once. Another part of me knows I can't keep begging someone to have a conversation with me when they've clearly said they don't want to.
I think what hurts most isn't just losing the relationship. It's losing the person I used to share everything with and then realising I don't have anyone else to turn to.
I'm trying to accept that I might never get the explanation or closure I wanted. But I honestly don't know how to do that yet.
I don't want to spend the next few months begging someone to come back. I don't want to become bitter or carry this pain into every future relationship either.
I want to get my life back, focus on my studies, become healthier, make genuine friends, and eventually be okay with myself again.
But right now, even getting through one day feels difficult.
If you've ever had to rebuild your life after losing someone you thought would stay, please tell me what actually helped you. Not just "move on" or "focus on yourself," but the small, practical things that helped you get through the first few days and weeks.
At last she compared me with her ex and said he was better then you as he stopped smoking for her. But the twist is he cheated on her 2 times and flirty with other girls and talk to them and he never stopped smoking. Still she think he was better then me
TL;DR: I'm 19M. My one-year LDR ended after months of arguments and a final fight where I lost my temper and said something hurtful. I apologised and sent 350+ WhatsApp messages trying to explain myself, but she refused to read them and deleted them. I feel hurt by the lack of closure, regret my own mistakes, and struggle with the fact that she seems to have moved on while I'm completely alone. I've started smoking because of the anxiety, can't sleep or eat properly, and have exams coming up. How do I stop chasing closure, get through this loneliness, and rebuild my life from scratch?
