r/ABCDesis • u/AutoModerator • Apr 26 '26
DATING / RELATIONSHIPS Sunday Relationship Thread
The weekly relationship thread for all topics related to the bravest pursuit of all - love. This thread will be automatically posted every Sunday @ 5:00 A.M (UTC -5). All other dating or relationship based posts during the week will be removed and redirected to this thread.
This thread is a place to share your stories, ask for advice, or vent about issues. Or anything in between!
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u/Pretend-Scar2266 May 02 '26 edited May 02 '26
Someone help me make sense of it. Why in the 1 month I don’t have VIP for DilMil do I now have over 80+ people who swiped to potentially match me?
But the main page shows me nobody that meets my filters. Does this mean the 80+ are not within my filters set? Or is the app just glitchy??
Is this just DilMils way of making me get the VIP thing again??
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u/TimelessHalcyon May 02 '26
Dil Mil doesn’t have mutual filters, which is one of the many reasons I find it unusable.
You spend time swiping on people where you aren’t within their filters, and other people spend time swiping on you when they aren’t within your filters. The result is an illusion of options, designed to maximise your time on the app and incentive to pay.
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u/Pretend-Scar2266 May 02 '26
This makes the most sense. Thoughts on the app Mirchi? When I was on that a few years back I saw the same people from DilMil so it just didn’t make sense to have both.
But is it as bad as DilMil?
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u/TimelessHalcyon May 03 '26
Personal view is it just looks like another Hinge clone, which I dislike for reasons including:
- I don’t think you can have a “fun app” and “serious relationship” at the same time. It’s the same story of low effort likes, add some one-liners you saw on TikTok, and casual prompts to try and show you don’t care as much as the next person.
- If you get shown thousands of people, I feel it’s super hard for two people to land a date with the option overload. Most people are a lot better in person than through a screen, and if you met them organically you’d happily be dating them.
- Freemium models are bad for both sides. Companies need revenue to exist, and if you make it free to join then their whole incentive is how to make you pay - and that comes with a wave of dark patterns for retention and radical upsell to a small percentage of people. Also results in most accounts you see being inactive.
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u/thisisme44 May 02 '26
in my experience, its worse. you still tend to match with people who lives long distance and the user base isnt as much as DM for fwiw
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May 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/Waiting4Reccession May 03 '26
You only 20 dude. Forget about looksmax garbage.
Next time a girl wants to hang out go do it. The ones that like you arent going to outright say its a date. A lot of times they just make an excuse to spend time alone with you.
Invite some cutie to have lunch with you after a class. If she says no - who cares, just go have a nice lunch and move on to the next one.
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u/Emophia British Indian May 01 '26
You're trying too hard.
Hitting the gym and improving your social skills is great, but contacts? Jaw Surgery?
Work on not hating yourself first before even thinking about dating. And take a look around. There's plenty of short, average looking, autistic brown men in relationships.
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May 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/Emophia British Indian May 01 '26
You're being your own worst enemy. You're putting others under a microscope to see what you want to see so you can blame the problem on them and your physical characteristics. Possibly because it's easier than realising where the actual problem lies, your mindset and lack of self worth, and working on it.
Yes, there's plenty of short, average looking, autistic brown men in healthy, stable, and loving long term relationships.
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u/SinghSanity May 01 '26
Hey dude, you just gotta take a step back and relax a bit. You're 20. 20 years old. It's perfectly fine for you to be single and never been on any date or anything like that. You really need to stop thinking about this doom and gloom that's going on in your life. Plenty of people are late bloomers, and a lot of people don't have their lives or relationships figured out when they're 20. Go to the gym, stay active, study and get your degree, get a job, make more friends, get hobbies and just try and enjoy your life without overthinking about being in a relationship. You have your entire life ahead of you still, and you'll end up finding your person eventually.
I'm 26. Never been on a single date yet. I'm not putting all my attention towards it. I have hobbies that I enjoy, friends and family I hang out with, I workout and run, I have a career I'm working in. I have other things that give me fulfillment in life and make me happy. I'm not here being depressed and overthinking about being in a relationship. I know its tough seeing others in happy relationships, but not everyone in the world is in one, especially in their 20s. People will find you more attractive if you're happy with your life, and you'll also feel it too. So please stop with all the doom and gloom, and please start to look at the things in life that make you happy and focus on those instead.
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May 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/SinghSanity May 01 '26
Maybe? Everyone is different and goes at their own pace. Don't look at another person and think "Oh its because they're white they have an easier time getting into a relationship". It's different person by person. Just do your own thing and not worry about others.
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u/Carbon-Base Indian American Apr 27 '26
It's so refreshing to see success stories from the people that frequent this thread. All the conversations we have about Desi dating difficulties are downright depressing at times, but hearing from SunsGettingRealLow, corporategal and now Chef SS, gives us all hope! We're cheering for all of you!
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u/corporate_gal Apr 27 '26
There’s hope out there 🥹
Hoping people don’t have to go on as many dates as me to find their person though lol
Hoping we all find what we’re looking for ✨
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u/maxpain2011 Apr 27 '26
Any guy here dated a girl taller than them? I’m 5’7” and went on a couple of dates with a girl who’s 5’9”. She’s gorgeous and I don’t mind her being taller tbh
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u/Carbon-Base Indian American Apr 27 '26
Yep, taller and the same height. One of the girls I dated refused to wear high heels because she would be a couple inches taller than me in them (I'm 5'10" her - 5'8"). She was convinced every guy's masculinity is damaged when the girl is taller than him; it took some persuasion on my part to make her realize that I did not mind at all!
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
We're around the same height, me 6'1 and her 5'10, and I actually like it. I talk quietly so her ear being closer helps. It's very favourable logistically imo.
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
27M, I make comments here on this thread and bring in hot takes, but I wanted to let everyone know that I'm talking to a girl. "Talking" not fully into bf/gf mode but we've been doing so for months. However, I feel like she's way over my league for alot of reasons, she's insanely gorgeous, really tall, elite professional, out earns, out class, all significantly. She's Punjabi like me. I had to tell her "I'm 'poor' in comparison but that I'll work hard" just because I might have the career but I don't have that lifestyle. The ONLY reason I've managed it imo is because I'm a good partner for her and have patience, respect, and stuff. However, I always feel like it'll suddenly end or something.
My goal is to help as many people as possible and answer as many questions so I don't feel guilty asking so many questions as well. I also ask here to somehow theorize all the concepts around dating to help people and my takes are candid. How do you deal with valuation differences? Also, I undervalue myself because I'm boxed in being a sardar Sikh Punjabi dude and that pretty much means I can't date out (I've tried to but it's impossible).
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u/budhimanpurush Apr 28 '26
How is a Punjabi or any brown chick more elite then you in the USA lol? No one is elite unless they descend from the Mayflower or are listed on Forbes. Otherwise it’s a marginal economic difference in the grand scheme of things. You need some self respect dawg.
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 28 '26
I don't get what you mean lol, also being a young dude in a relationship like that is automatically a difference because of the societal conditioning of women date older and men date younger. I think you're not realizing how Punjabis can look or be, she's unique and I don't see how I can compare her.
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u/budhimanpurush Apr 28 '26
I'm Punjabi, bro don't let a chick question your self-worth lmao.
And how old is this girl? Go for someone younger so that you are the more successful person in that dynamic.
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u/thisisme44 Apr 27 '26
Well you should have some value for yourself. She is talking to you for a reason so you must be doing something right and that's kept her around. I guess if she was not into you, she would not still be talking to you. She probably finds something in you she is not finding in other guys. Has she done anything that's made you feel like she might bounce?
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
I get this feeling she’s going to break things off randomly. Because she has in the past.
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u/Carbon-Base Indian American Apr 27 '26
Is this the same girl you told us about a while back?
And I agree with thisisme, you can't sell yourself short. Confidence and knowing your self-worth goes a long way, along with staying positive!
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
yes it is, it's been on/off.
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u/Carbon-Base Indian American Apr 27 '26
Okay. So, what are all the reasons this is on/off and not even see-where-it-goes dating?
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
Well I want her because I think of getting on the dating pool as a horror show and all those comments on "drop your standards, take what you get, go to Mainland and marry newcomer, you'll be single forever" scare me. She's pretty much amazing, professional, very beautiful, tall, ABCD, Punjabi like me, pretty much meshes well with me. She wanted space so I respected that. She works alot as a professional so she checks out, no communication, and stuff. We talk, we date, but it's very heavy individualism. We're probably moving at 1/10th the speed of a normal dating relationship.
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u/corporate_gal Apr 27 '26
Have you chatted about where this is going with her even if you’re moving slower?
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
She talked about going fast in early dates but then it made her feel pressured and she had to figure it out and needed space. This entire time I just gave her space and said you decide the pace. She pressured herself to think about it and it wasn't me. She had this urgency for some reason that ended up making herself feel pressured.
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u/corporate_gal Apr 27 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
That’s fair. Do you feel like she clearly communicated her feelings about where things are at?
I had a similar thing with my boyfriend where I felt a date or two rushed into starting to be more intentional so I ended up saying we could exclusively dating but not be bf / gf for a bit like he was hoping (I was comfortable with that 1.5 months after being exclusive).
You could try something where you call it exclusively dating and discuss whether you feel on track for the label. As someone that’s perhaps similar to your girl, that’s what helped me (although it did make my bf feel bad but he got that we wouldn’t be together if we didn’t go about it that way)
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u/thisisme44 Apr 27 '26
With you or with other people? I'd just keep expectations low then and don't get too invested.
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u/corporate_gal Apr 26 '26
Update - moving in with my boyfriend this week! From being in the trenches until like Q1 last year to this is huge 😭. Done the meeting each other’s families and now the families are also meeting soon.
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u/RiskManagedBear Apr 27 '26
Trenches at work or trenches in your relationship?
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u/corporate_gal Apr 27 '26
Trenches of being on the apps and at work though too! I’m shook Hinge worked lol
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u/SinghSanity Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
Hello yes, I'm back. I'll be documenting the stats for my Hinge and Dil Mil week by week. I did the same thing almost a year ago on this thread before I decided to take a break (Lasted 37 weeks!). Now we're back for round two. I technically downloaded them in the middle of the week, but we'll count this as Week 1. A couple of things I wanna try differently is moving off the app sooner rather than later, and also making sure I set screen time limits for the apps for my own sanity 😅. I think mentally limiting my screen time will make sure that I try and speed things up myself to moving off the apps too. I also don't wanna think too deep with this stuff, just go for the vibes and have fun finding my person.
Week 1 Apps Update as a 26 Year Old ABCD Sikh Guy from the NJ/NYC Area:
Hinge: Weeks: 1; Likes: 1; Total Matches: 1; Dates: 0
Dil Mil: Weeks: 1; Total Matches: 2; Dates: 0
Hinge:
Match 1: So literally within the first hour after I made my Hinge profile, I got my first ever like. Never got a single like last time I was on there. I matched with her, she's in the NJ/NYC area too. We've sent 2-3 messages back and forth before I smoothly (I'm a chef) asked for her number, which she gave me this afternoon. Will see where it goes, but she seems nice :)
Dil Mil:
Match 1: So caveat I wanna put here. I am only filtering for US profiles. And I also double check the location to be US before I swipe on the profile. After we matched, I checked her profile and she was from India. Apparently was traveling here for vacation and then went back home. I did mention to her that I'm looking primarily for US peeps, but since we did match, I decided to give her a shot and we're just chatting getting to know each other.
Match 2: So I matched with her. She had a silly prompt on her profile which I commented on for the first dm. And then it evolved into some brain rot humor messaging on the app and texting yesterday (I gave her my number). The vibes are an 11/10, and her humor matches mine and it's crazy. We haven't really had a serious conversation yet, just funny stuff back and forth. We'll see where this one goes, but the thing that's in the back of my mind is that she's from Colorado, so it'll be navigating long distance (I'm not opposed to it, but we'll talk about it).
Thoughts:
Hinge match 1 is more realistic since she's closer and also seems nice, but we haven't really texted much yet. Dil Mil match 2 has been the most fun to text so far out of all my matches (but we also literally texted for an hour or two).
I moved 2/3 of my matches off the apps and to texting, which is also great.
Why did I come back to the apps?
I came back because of my cousins. One of them was pushing me to lock in since one of my younger cousins is engaged, and two other younger ones are talking to others and going on dates. And I'm the oldest and just living my life and they want me to find someone. So I thought why not give it a try since they insist.
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u/Waiting4Reccession May 03 '26
I was just thinking about you a week or two back!
Hope it works out :)
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u/SinghSanity May 03 '26
I'm surprised people still think about me 😅
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u/Waiting4Reccession May 03 '26
I just remembered the posts and didnt see them when i came back to this sub haha
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
This is so good, built a championship profile after last year's attempt!
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Apr 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/RiskManagedBear Apr 27 '26
None of this matters because you're 27 years old and have spent a year with someone without "labels."
This nonsense should end once you over the age of 24. You can't expect a serious relationship when you don't even take your self seriously.
It's time for self reflection and accountability.
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 27 '26
Everything you've said just makes this guy sound like a PPBros dude who wants a woman he can prey on and he found a WOC where he can create that hierarchy. You breaking the boundaries with individuality doesn't help your case at all.
Values and politics differences aren't small and those can make their way into your everyday life activities. That ends up with divorce.
The veg dating non-veg part is okay, but the fact that he doesn't respect your side is insane, test the waters and tell him to do something against his belief system to see his reaction.
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u/beezy1223 Apr 27 '26 edited Apr 27 '26
From what you have written it is clear this is not something that would work long term. You need to make it clear your values and ideas of the future are not aligned so you do not see a future with him and don't want to waste more of his time since he is looking for long-term committment. You can explain that you have not felt comfortable communicating this (which is also a bad sign), but you have felt this way for some time and are not going to change your mind. If he argues you can walk away. I suggest you block him after if you are prone to changing your mind - in the larger scheme of things you are not being kind to him by going back if you know he isn't right for you.
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u/corporate_gal Apr 27 '26
I did this in the past in what was a less serious relationship. You take the blame on yourself and make it a you not them thing during the break up and just stop contact. Do you have friends in the city you live in other than him?
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u/PropertyPutrid8700 Apr 27 '26
I work remotely and don’t have a big social circle here yet, which I know has made it harder. That’s something I’m working on
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u/corporate_gal Apr 28 '26
That’s unfortunate but whatever it is you need to end the current thing soon because it’s clear you’re wasting your time and energy on something it’s clear you don’t want :/
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u/cachepersistence Indian American Apr 26 '26
Last year I went on two dates with a girl off of Hinge (as recounted previously here and here). tl;dr we went on two dates that I thought went really well, even walked her home and hugged on both dates. Then over a week after the second date she was finally like "I'm not ready for more". Was heartbroken for two months. Deleted her number so I wouldn't be tempted to text her again.
Anyways, just redownloaded Hinge this week after a five-month hiatus (due to a different girl, but almost same story lol). Matched with above girl again. She messaged and remembered me, and then said "we could just chat on WhatsApp na?" I said "Yeah! text me". Maybe I should've specified that I don't have her number which is why I wanted her to text first... but anyways, it really is not asking for much to ask a 30-year-old woman to message me first right? God I hate the apps
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u/thisisme44 Apr 26 '26
Not too much to ask. I'd just let her lead if she really wants to give it a 2nd shot. Keep expectations low and don't get invested at all knowing how it ended last time. If she wants to chase her around her again, then forget it
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u/Willing-Ear3100 Apr 26 '26
At the risk of getting downvoted to hell, I'm going to take the contrarian position compared to the other comments here. A lot of dating (and life in general) comes down to circumstances, mindsets, intentions, and timing aligning between two people. Sometimes one person or the other (or both!) genuinely aren't ready for more, as she put it, but may be ready at a later point when things are in a different place for them in their life. None of us know her so you'll have to use your best judgement about the situation here.
Keep in mind that you've only been on two dates with her before, so you two don't really know each other. If you really want to giving it another try, don't let ego get in the way of things.
That said, you need to keep expectations low! If you decide to go forward with it, minimize texting and get an in-person date booked soon. It's good to have a face-to-face conversation sooner rather than later when there's a second attempt at building a connection. If she's wishy-washy about meeting and not showing genuine effort into connecting with you, cut back and keep it moving with other dates.
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u/Pretend-Scar2266 Apr 26 '26
Coming from a girls perspective, she’s not into you. She probably is lonely atm and stringing you along until she finds a guy she’s more into. Like the other comments mentioned she doesn’t value your time nor respect you.
If a guy were to do this to me, I would’ve never let the match the 2nd time around happen. I have too much self respect.
I also bought Aziz’s book and I’m going to start it soon!!
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u/Comprehensive-Cut632 Apr 26 '26
I think people deserve second chances regardless. Life is not always black and white
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u/Pretend-Scar2266 Apr 26 '26
Second chance after five months..? If she wanted to she would’ve reached out in the interval. Had she reached out it prior to him matching with her (since they already had each others contact) then I’d MAYBE consider it but I’d still be hesitant.
And has her perspective changed any on “I’m not ready for more”..?
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u/TestingLifeThrow1z Apr 26 '26
You do not give her a second chance if that’s the message she sent you. She will leave when there’s a better match and consider you a backup.
She even fails to acknowledge the 1st chance. There’s a level of respect and an apology that comes with giving someone an another shot that she fails to show.
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u/No_Culture9898 Apr 26 '26
I wouldn’t give the girl a second chance, clearly she didn’t value your time or efforts - why are letting her play around with you?
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u/awesomeabhi May 02 '26
Well y'all. 9 months ago I (35/M) told my south indian tam bram parents about my girlfriend (American). They blew up and I told them I'm still dating her. Came home again this week and told them I want to marry her, they expected us to have broken up (wtf) because of their talk with me last time. Apparently I'm a dissapointment and I don't care about them. I sometimes am so sick of this.