I met my second cousin and his family, for breakfast today, who stopped by a city near me on their way to go somewhere else.

He has two kids and one of them is like 12. I was talking to the 12 year old and she was listening to music. So her parents are from India, but she was born here, so there is a cultural disconnect there and she was complaining her parents don’t understand her music. I was like “hey give them a chance and explain it to them and they will” and I said it was the same for me growing up and what not.

Anyway I told her that they do care and was telling her how I got my dad to come with me to a Post Malone concert as a kid. She asked “who’s Post Malone”. And then when I was in shock, she searched him up and said “oh from back in your day uncle”.

Her parents were like “noooo, he’s not your uncle, he’s only 24, he’s an older brother, call him [insert word for older bro]”. But the damage was done. I played it off and laughed it off.

But I sat in that parking lot for like 10 mins bro. I am so fucking old. I knew it in my heart, and I feel it in my bones when I get back pain from sitting in a cubicle. I take a multi vitamin everyday and take melatonin and magnesium and go to bed before 11 PM on the weeknights cuz of work. I spend more time worrying about work and bills than I do thinking what I want to do.

It’s over guys. I am unc. I accept it. I told my dad about this and he was like “when I was your age I had left India” yadda yadda. Okay bro. Also, when my mom was 25 she gave birth to me. So thinking about this, I am old.

So if the average human lifespan for a guy is 75 years give or take, I am a third of the way through. I am basically 25, and it’s all downhill from 30, so it’s basically already over. I can already feel the grim reapers scythe around my neck guys, I have half a foot in the grave already.

All cuz Post Malone is outdated now. Smh.

Anyway if anyone needs wisdom, feel free to ask, I am at that age anyway apparently. Your uncle will help you.

Could really use some advice here on how to deal with a fellow Desi coworker. He's a hardcore vegetarian (which I respect) but he preaches it to our coworkers. He also mentions stuff that you really shouldn't be discussing at work (e.g. health benefits of cow dung). You can tell coworkers are visibly uncomfortable. I try to mention that not all Indians believe in this but he tells our coworker I'm ignorant because I was born and raised in America. I'm indian myself but was born and raised in the states so am not as tapped in with the culture. He grew up in India but has been in the states for the past 10 years so maybe it's just a cultural barrier. How to handle this?

Prior to Boy Throb, fourth member Darshan Magnum resided in India and did covers of various music hits. He’s been in sponsorships and Adam Levine, Rosé, and Bruno Mars are among celebrities who have noticed him (BoyThrobWiki).

Other members of the band are from various states including Washington, Minnesota, and Indiana. They all have some music background, either formally or through social media.

They seem fun!

22f. I grew up in a very conservative desi household and was always shamed for forgetting my “roots”. My dad was neglectful, he had his own bubble and he didn’t interact w the family much but my mom was the typical helicopter parent and was very abusive. My mental health throughout high school was extremely bad so I moved to another country for uni when I was 17. Of course that wasn’t easy, I had to fight my way out. My mom wanted to keep me with her so that I graduate uni and get married to some dweeb from back home.

I still visited my parents occasionally but every time I would go back home, my mental health would get affected and it would be hell for me. I still kept going because I thought it would be “different“ but I got disappointed each time. I’ve also been financially independent since I moved out so my parents can’t really “control” me anymore but they have a lot of opinions about my life and how I’m supposed to live it. I don’t even feel like participating in desi community or religious events where I am because it reminds me of the toxic household I escaped. It’s navratri rn and I remember wanting to go for an event when I lived with my parents and I remember being shamed and physically abused by my mom for a traditional outfit I wore because it “showed too much skin“. Idk if it makes sense but my perception of the “culture” or going to such events has forever been fucked because of how abusive my mother was.

I haven’t visited home in a year now and I probably will not go back anytime soon but it hurts how everybody has a place to go back to for the Christmas holidays or for Diwali and stuff or they have a support system. I’m trying to build my own life, I take therapy, I’m trying to graduate, I’m working on myself and my hobbies. I struggle a bit with friendships but I’m trying to keep myself open and also trying to be a good friend. I’m trying to build my own “home” but it still feels very lonely and lowkey scary as well.

I’m 21F, Punjabi, born and raised in Canada, and I’m genuinely so exhausted with how my parents treat my relationship.

I love my boyfriend, but my parents seem to care more about his education, career, looks, and what other people will think than whether I’m actually happy with him.

For context, my boyfriend is also Punjabi, and we’ve known each other since high school. He’s currently working in HVAC and building a career in the trades. He’s hardworking, makes his own money, and is working toward his future. But apparently, because he didn’t go to university and isn’t pursuing some prestigious white-collar profession, he’s automatically not good enough for me.

I’m currently in university pursuing my business degree, and my parents seem to think that because I’m getting a degree, I should only marry someone who has an equally impressive educational background or career.

My dad has repeatedly called my boyfriend ugly, a loser, and uneducated. He’s even said that my boyfriend looks like the “eighth wonder of the world” because he’s supposedly so ugly and that I need to get my brain checked for finding him attractive.

Like, what kind of thing is that to say about someone your daughter loves?

What’s even more ridiculous is that my parents have actually tried to set me up with another Punjabi guy they know who’s studying engineering. I’m not attracted to this guy whatsoever. He’s genuinely not my type, and I cannot picture myself being romantically involved with him.

When I told my parents that I don’t find him attractive, their response was basically, “So what if he’s ugly? He’s doing engineering.”

I’m sorry, WHAT???

Since when did someone’s degree become more important than whether you actually love them, find them attractive, or enjoy being around them?

Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life with someone I’m not attracted to just because he has an engineering degree and my parents can brag about their son-in-law to relatives?

I understand wanting your daughter to marry someone financially stable. I want that for myself too. But there’s a difference between wanting financial security and being obsessed with status.
And the hypocrisy makes it even worse. My parents previously approved of someone I dated who worked in the same field and had a similar educational background to my current boyfriend. So clearly, having a university degree isn’t always their deciding factor.

My mom has made it clear that they won’t support the marriage, and they’ve basically told me that if I choose him, I’m on my own.

They’re planning to move to British Columbia in approximately two years, which is around the time I’ll be graduating from university. They’ve suggested that if I continue choosing my boyfriend, I can stay behind and figure things out myself.

I’m also their only child, which makes this even more upsetting. I genuinely don’t understand how they can be so willing to damage their relationship with their own daughter over someone she chooses to love.

Another thing that bothers me is the double standard in my extended family. My cousin married a Black woman, which was apparently a huge deal culturally for some relatives, but his parents still spent a significant amount of money on their wedding. When I brought this up, my parents dismissed it by saying his parents weren’t happy about the marriage.

But that’s exactly my point. You don’t have to be thrilled about every decision your adult child makes to still love and support them.

I’m just so tired of feeling like my relationship is some kind of embarrassment to my family.
I work, go to university, and am trying to build a future for myself. I’m not asking my parents to financially support my boyfriend or make my decisions for me. I just wish they could respect that I’m an adult who deserves to choose her own partner.

I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now married to someone I never truly wanted just because he looked good on paper and made my parents happy.

To other Desis who have been through this:

Did your parents care more about your partner’s education, career, income, and family reputation than how they actually treated you?

Did they eventually come around, or did you have to accept that they might never approve?

And genuinely, why are some brown parents so concerned about what relatives and the community think, even when it comes at the expense of their own children’s happiness?

I love my parents, but I’m starting to feel like their love and support are conditional on me living the life they’ve chosen for me, rather than the one I want for myself.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/s/CqzvC2iuZ0

I want to start off by thanking everyone on the previous thread for giving advice and I took the advice everyone gave. The more I cleaned every Sunday morning, the more my sister’s poor behavior is enabled. It was pretty exhausting but I put up such a good fight up.

Last week, I explained my sister that my mom and I aren’t gonna clean up after her. She said that’s fine but she was “gonna pay” my mom if she cleaned anything up and she said that if I wanted $300, I can have it. I was so tired because she doesn’t get my point. I told my mom that I would not let her clean and that my sister has to learn by herself. I also told my mom I would physically restrain from cleaning anything. My dad usually doesn’t like to get involved because my mom would start yelling so I figured I’m the only person that could do anything.

Like I expected, from the last time I cleaned the room went back to a pigs den. Cheerios spilled, an open package of flaming hot Cheetos, open Kirkland coconut water bottles, and now her roommate brought her cat. I get frightened by seeing such situations I would frantically start cleaning but I told her my mom isn’t gonna clean and she is being worried sick because of her lack of accountability. She keeps getting sick yet she does not listen. She tells me after she becomes a doctor she can hire cleaners and people to do every small task. I was very furious about the lehengas she and roommates completely wrapped up and folded into balls because they are the expensive ones from lashkara. I literally told them they had to hand and dry cleaned but none of them listened and my mom spend like $850 on the India trip to get good quality for my sister. They damaged the fabrics. I should have had one beer before going in there so I could have less restraint to chew her off but her roommates were there so I said I’m taking mom and she will deal with everything herself. My sister said you forced your way out of your first uni and that she gets all the blame.

My mom kept fussing but it was bad. When you smoke also, you smoke on the balcony but my mom couldn’t tolerate the weed smell either. I told my mom I’m taking her or I would get the building staff involved and my dad said he is staying out of this. My sister keeps saying she didn’t ask anyone to clean her place up but she purposefully does this. She would complain about how mean her previous roommates are but I said, “I’m not surprised. You got 4 pigs in a den.” She started freaking out and her roommates were confused by that. I let my sister handle my mom at that point.

At that point, I told the other girls that they can’t keep living like this and they said but we made it our problem. I explained one of the girls that her mom gets worried like mine and she is just as willing as my mom to clean to the point it will overwhelm them. I also asked whether they invite other people into their place like that and they all said no. One of their bfs puts up with it but they don’t want to bring any prospective dates into their place or if they were dating someone, they would bring them over the day right after I cleaned the place on Sunday so they factor around that. They mentioned they get good grades and they could hire cleaners but I said you can do that but it’s not even about cleaners. Dust and air quality changes if you don’t vacuum overtime and that’s normal and the 3 three girls were more willing tbh. They said were sorry but they felt that it overwhelmed them and they never got guidance to doing stuff like this because someone else always did it for them. Pretty intelligent people who are trying for med school but they are the definition of work hard play hard. I don’t think they still fully get it but they recognize they some have some issues. I proposed some small solutions where they can throw stuff out and they took them up. The girl whose mom also came felt a bit remorseful about her actions which was a good thing. They seemed to just be disinterested overall so it’s a whatever, I am not their dads or brothers so as long as my mom or anyone’s mom not cleaning there isn’t a problem.

My sister though is not changing anytime soon. I don’t expect the place to be clean or her to learn. She is struggling. She uses her roommates who get good grades as an example of how being a neat freak doesn’t matter and she says I’m an OCD freak which I am but how does this help her life? There are other med students here and I don’t know whether a 3.1-3.15 holds up? Then she says she will do post bacc but these same problems would still arise. It’s not easy being a doctor and the other girls probably just viewed their lifestyles as acceptable because someone was picking up their mess so they weren’t ever really disciplined but my sister doesn’t think this is a problem to begin with. My sister says worst case scenario is she can marry someone who makes less money and she can put all those tasks on them. She is upset that I threatened to tell the RA that she needs to sort her situation out even though it does not put her in trouble. We are not on speaking terms rn but idc, this has become a habitual problem. I can’t even leave our family house to her two days alone without freaking out about a fire. She just does not get it. I am on top of everything and maybe I’m over-excessive. If it weren’t for proper advice given on this situation, I would be frightened into immediately cleaning everything up. My mom isn’t gonna clean and I hope her roommate’s mom wouldn’t do the same either.

This is my understanding of recent immigration to Canada as per the student visa pathway, which ultimately has contributed to xenophobia in Canada. This pathway, along with Canada absorbing H1B tech workers from the US, has resulted in rapid immigration from India since the pandemic. The thing we as ABCDs have to remember is that our parents and grandparents too were immigrants and the newer ones need empathy for the system that has taken advantage of them. With that said, I am worried about my job security as a Canadian too. I just thought I’d provide a context of my understanding, but please correct me.

Canada always offered a path to permanent residency through the student visa program. It wasn’t anything new. Many Indian students in the 2000s/2010s from well off families paid top dollar in top tier universities or public colleges to study in programs like engineering, computer science, nursing, finance, skilled trades, etc. They already came from English medium schools and their high fees subsidized education for domestic students, essentially opening more seats. So they were seen as beneficial. Moreover, many of them were well off and didn’t need to work, but they may have taken paid co-ops for the experience. But their education genuinely filled employment gaps in the economy and they were seen as positive benefits with Canadian education so hence they were offered a path to PR through post grad work permits.

However, this pathway, didn’t differentiate if the program was a degree or diploma or even if the visa holder was working in their field. They didn’t even care where the education was done. A top tier university was considered the same as a diploma mill. And this is where the exploitation happened.

Stephen Harper (Trudeau’s predecessor) actually allowed those on student visas to work off campus part time, so it wasn’t entirely Trudeau’s fault.

Starting in the 2010s diploma mills started popping up that specifically targeted students from poorer countries abroad. But these schools are like 99% international students. For instance there is one in Vancouver UCW that offers MBAs and no Canadian attends the school. Many of their graduates are working in retail or warehouses. But such schools don’t screen for English or skills. They take students from India, Nigeria, Mexico, Nepal, Philippines etc. Basically countries with emerging economies and targeting lower to middle class students (often rural) in such countries who otherwise wouldn’t have the language skills or qualifications to attend a reputable school in Canada. India having the large population it has naturally would be over represented. Some public colleges too cashed in, like Conestoga, to bring such students for generic diplomas like business management. Other public colleges formed partnerships with these private diploma mills to offer their curriculum to international students.

For many of these students the lure was being able to work part time 20 hours a week to fund their studies. At the time, a Canadian study permit applicant needed to show only $10K in the bank (even that was obtained by loan). Many of these students would exceed these hours because they had heavy loans and studying wasn’t a priority. Many professors I spoke to complained that there was limited English skills and rampant cheating and being forced by administrators to pass them.

We can’t entirely blame Trudeau for this cottage industry that emerged through a system whose loopholes were exposed. But it was emerging under their noses while they did nothing. The provinces are the ones who regulate education and Trudeau’s ministers said that they used the honour system based off the provinces regulating these schools.

However, Trudeau allowed many of these students to work 40 hours a week after the pandemic. What happened was a underclass of labour emerged in fast food or retail or warehouses filled by international students and not Canadian youth.

Moreover, anyone qualified for a PGWP, regardless if they did a PhD in mechanical engineering or a diploma in hospitality and that PGWP was eligible at Tim Hortons or a nuclear power plant. Anyone bringing it up and Trudeau would accuse them of xenophobia until he admitted it was a mistake.

So really it wasn’t as simple as bringing temporary migration in. It was more about loopholes of a good system being ignored by the government which frustrated Canadians. And now because immigration is now seen as a hot button issue politicians need to save face by closing the loopholes.

The problem is that the students who came with the intention of settling here based on a path they were promised were understandably upset. They didn’t think they did anything wrong and they are technically right. They followed the information they were given even if they were scammed by colleges and recruiters. But they aren’t the ones voting so obviously they pay the price.

This is a good podcast about Canadian attitudes towards immigration and how they’ve changed since Trudeau came.

https://www.cbc.ca/listen/cbc-podcasts/209-front-burner/episode/16231472-canadas-immigration-180-part-1

This sounds meaner than it is lol

My parents call me for the same few tech things over and over: reconnecting the printer, finding downloaded files, casting netflix on our android tv, what to do when Wi-Fi disappears.

I finally made a Gamma page with screenshots and giant arrows for each one.

My dad has now sent the link to two of his friends. Apparently I accidentally created neighbourhood IT support documentation.

Happy to share it with anyone who’d need it (for their parents lol).

It’s weird to explain but I feel like I’m getting the worst of both worlds, those worlds are the more progressive desi cultures and more conservative cultures. In a very conservative culture women would be married off while the family invests into the sons, this isn’t an opinion, more a statement of how very conservative desi cultures are, now outside of India people tend to take a more progressive culture and that’s usually a more western style.

I get neither, I feel pressured by my family to be at a point in my life as if I have already received this investment yet I have not.

Anyways im wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

Specifically chose r/canada to post from for the 🍿

But this was on all of the Canada based subs I follow. I don’t know how long Diab will last for. Libs are only winning because PP is so unlikable.

r/Canada is having a great day today. Here’s the next one 🍿

What are your thoughts on this? I’m typically left leaning but to me it’s a hopeful welcome change to lower immigration for now, especially among tech workers. Thoughts?

Please read the last couple of sentences “we expect such behavior from Pak and Muslim terrorists, not white Christian Americans”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is highly offensive? And also isolating us from other communities and causing more division how does that create any sort of normality in this horrific event which occurred in Illinois

This really fucks me up but I think most desis that are born and raised abroad grow taller than their counterparts back home. I'm actually curious, how many of you get comments from ppl about your height when you visit South Asia? I certainly always do in Pakistan. I'm just about 6'0 which is getting rare there. That country is getting shorter every year.

Is the air pollution seriously infecting their DNA and preventing them from reaching their full physical and brain potential? I hate this so much. I lived there until I was 7 yo so my DNA could've rotted a bit too while I was there.

UPDATE - i did some basic data analysis based on the data provided by the NCD-RisC. This is how the avg 19 year old's height changed over the years. you can see pakistan has regressed, especially pakistani girls, and then with india, it's hard to generalize. india is too big and you'd have to do a regional breakdown. but in any case, pakistan is fucked. i'm thinking the main cause is air pollution. you can see china's height steadily improving and they've also steadily improved their air quality but i guess correlation is not causation.

Hi, 18M here. I was born in India and spent a good chunk of my life in the MENA. I was forced to live in India for 3.5 years as an attempt to humble and teach me about life, since my parents believed that Indian people are genuine people with intelligence and other stuff kids at my area supposedly lacked.

For all my life, I have never really thought about what it meant to have a cultural or a religious identity. It was something that was in the background, it was there, it was frequent but it didn't bother me.

My parents and family members are very connected with kerala culture and love the language, the food , the culture, etc etc. I like the food and ... That's it. I am also an atheist because I simply don't see the point in praying even though my entire family is religious as hell.

I've famously struggled with time management and I Have To mark a physical calender to remember which dates and events to follow like Diwali, Holi, Christmas and etc. Else I'll simply gloss over them and by the time I realized I missed everything, is a month after it ended.

Now this doesn't bother me but it really is a bother for my parents and relatives. They would moan and lament endlessly about how every other boy is smarter or cooler than I am and how I'm not a real man if I don't do x or y. I refuse to wear the mundu or shotu simply because it makes me uncomfortable or risjy to move

Everyday they would pester me when I was in school whether I made an Indian friend or a fellow kid in my community. Most of my friends were either indians from far off places like the north or non nationals like pakistanis, afghanis, etc. And when I did make an Indian friend they would sneer how we spoke to each other in English. Looking back, their actions were quite odd.

When they send me to India during 2022-2024 so that I would connect with my homeland, I somehow managed to be even more distant since the people in my local area were so (pardon my language) ghetto. They felt like caricatures that would screech and bellow shit as though they had nothing in their heads. I really really tried to be friendly with them since my town was the type where people would bash you if you tried to keep to yourself. The whole place relied on connections and I simply couldn't master it. I faced a lot of bullying that year and it made me a very confrontational person and more prone to snapping or resorting to violence. I also forgot my native language the moment I came back home so I frankly learned absolutely nothing while I was there.

My country is an inhospitable shit hole, Delhi looked like a fallout of some event, our governments are TRASH. We had nothing to claim for glory besides ancient relics from years bygone and we still blame it on the Brits. Our culture is so oppressive that my country is now a breeding ground for incels and perverts. I never thought I would encounter anyone like that but here I am.

Now I know India is amazing and there are many things about it that I like, though I would never raise my kids in that environment nor would I bother going there during holidays. I would also like to say that I have never experienced discrimination from non indians and I am not whitewashed as I could care less about your race, sex or gender.

Work in marketing, and sick of all those "you're doing nothing important" jokes, just because I'm not in a traditional field like medicine or law. I've worked hard to be where I'm at, and those jokes seem to be in bad taste. Also everyone just assumes that your parents must be disappointed like??? Stop projecting?!

Sorry for the rant but it's pissing me off (yes I'm that petty)

Let's remember in the midst of all the political noise that we have people in our community devoting their lives to making the world better.

I specify American-born because in the USA there's a huge emphasis on the "college life" and so FOMO probably exists way more for ABDs there than in Canada. I mean in Canada we have certain schools that provide an American-style college life...but still we also have tons of commuter schools where people just go to class, maybe attend a few clubs, then go back home and live with their parents.

If I recall correctly I think about 40% or so of people in my high school graduating class chose commuter schools and live with their parents. And unfortunately a lot of them were ABD kids and it wasn't by choice. It's just that they were expected to by their parents, or their parents threatened to not pay tuition if they moved out. Honestly for most of the brown kids who did move out it was for prestigious programs like Waterloo STEM or Queen's/Western business. So yeah.

But that's beside the point. I'm just mainly curious if there's any American-born Desi kids who lived with their parents all 4 years during college, and as a result probably didn't get the "college experience". What is it like? Do you regret it?

I made a post about the failed temple attack on Instagram, and immediately had other South Asians I went to school with(I grew up in an enclave) message me “Oh what about Muslims/Christians in India”, etc.

First of all, we live in America. Aren’t we American. Why are you holding me liable for whats happening in the mainland lol.

Second of all, yeah those aren’t great either. Why must we be subjected to purity tests? Can’t we just call out an attack on Desis(cuz if you think these people will spare non-Hindu Desis, you are sorely mistaken), and just unite? Why does calling out this temple attack mean I co-sign everything that goes on across the world?

Idk, it was very frustrating.

But, every time I mention the bad, I will mention the good too. I had my Eelam Christian friend and my Pakistani friend repost it and support us too. And many more who liked and shared.

But we really need to be better with South Asian unity as a community, whether you’re Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Christian, Buddhist, Jain, Atheist, Rastafarian, Scientologist, Satanist, or you pray to Cthulhu, idgaf. We are Desis, let’s just stand together and help protect each other lmao. I will never hold a South Asian American liable for what goes on in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, etc. All those country’s could be better in treating their minorities better, yeah, not sure why that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t band together in America or abroad in general lmao.