r/ABCDesis • u/ihearditsabird Canadian guy • 1d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS Any American-born Desis who commuted/lived with parents all 4 years during college? What was it like?
I specify American-born because in the USA there's a huge emphasis on the "college life" and so FOMO probably exists way more for ABDs there than in Canada. I mean in Canada we have certain schools that provide an American-style college life...but still we also have tons of commuter schools where people just go to class, maybe attend a few clubs, then go back home and live with their parents.
If I recall correctly I think about 40% or so of people in my high school graduating class chose commuter schools and live with their parents. And unfortunately a lot of them were ABD kids and it wasn't by choice. It's just that they were expected to by their parents, or their parents threatened to not pay tuition if they moved out. Honestly for most of the brown kids who did move out it was for prestigious programs like Waterloo STEM or Queen's/Western business. So yeah.
But that's beside the point. I'm just mainly curious if there's any American-born Desi kids who lived with their parents all 4 years during college, and as a result probably didn't get the "college experience". What is it like? Do you regret it?
12
u/littycodekitty Indian American 1d ago
Commuted for most of college. Saved a lot of money, sacrificed a lot of experiences, but still had plenty of memories and friends by the end. It's hard to say whether I regret it tbh - I'm actually glad I was able to spend more time with my beloved pets at home. But the family stress/friction was undeniable
7
u/RunWithBluntScissors Half-Indian, doubly confused 1d ago
This is actually my only main takeaway from having to commute 3/4 years of college … glad I spent more time with my dog.
4
u/prncssjsmnxoxo 22h ago
wow, i thought i was crazy for thinking this too. the best thing about the most horrible living situation i ever experienced was the fact that i got to be with my dog. when i moved out, i eventually came back and took him with me.
3
u/littycodekitty Indian American 22h ago
aw, I'm so glad you took him with you 🥹 yeah it's truly special because 4 years is a HUGE chunk of our animals' lives. I'm glad I had more time with mine!
10
u/Bollywood-Hulk-Hogan Indian-American (Punjabi) 1d ago
Went to a commuter university in my town, and there were barely any Desis here, but I don’t regret it. It helped me save a ton and I was able to graduate with no debt.
4
9
u/MasterChief813 1d ago
My parents forced me to commute 30 min each way. Worst mistake of my life. My grades definitely suffered having to deal with bs at home every day.
My college experience was basically like high school but with weird hours.
8
u/HoneyButterBiscuitss 1d ago
I regret it. My school is good but commuting everyday Monday to Friday for 8 am engineering classes, meant I had to be awake at 6:30(because some of these professors didn’t post notes online or had in class quizzes) but went to sleep at 12-1, barely any sleep and no breakfast I would be on the bus/subway for 1.5 hr. It was a literal job, whilst doing a part time job on the weekends.
Living downtown would’ve been expensive but also would have fun & also beneficial for my sleep. I struggled with focusing in class & labs due to my lack of sleep & energy.
Now that I’m planning to go back to school I’m going to living closer to campus as much as I can possibly afford too.
3
u/RunWithBluntScissors Half-Indian, doubly confused 1d ago
Yup, this was my experience too. I actually did manage to live on campus my last year and my grades got much, much better. It was so easier to do school once I was there full-time. Bit ironic that they want us to focus on our studies and yet don’t allow us to do the thing that would help with that the most.
I feel like my experiences commuting to school are now why I hate commuting as an adult. Partner teases me for this but I refuse to live more than 20 minutes away from a job, and 10 minutes or less is even better.
6
u/Accomplished-Art-767 Bangladeshi American 1d ago
I did it and didn't care for the experience. Had to help my dad with his business since he was paying my tuition.
5
u/djcurry 1d ago
you can do it, but making friends will be much harder. Depending how far you are from the school, you will not be able to visit for socialactivities as much nor hang out with friends you make at to school. Your friends from high school will also be moving away so you’ll have to make a concentrated effort in time and money to keep up with old ones and make new ones.
4
u/tabula_rasa12 1d ago
I did! I’m 10+ yrs out now so I’m looking at this from the future but I saved a lot of $$ and saved me from drinking and partying into oblivion while studying (I did plenty of that after college when I started my first job tho)
5
u/RunWithBluntScissors Half-Indian, doubly confused 1d ago
Does 3 out of 4 years count? I managed to live on campus my senior year cause I finally started standing up to my parents and I became a Resident Assistant and had free housing. I am still so, so grateful I got that job.
But the commuting sucked. You’re right, the college experience is really hyped here in the US. I’m still sad that I never got a freshman move in experience. My social life and my studies suffered from the commuting. I finally got my first 4.0 during my first semester living on campus. Coincidence? Living on campus was so much better.
I’m sad I didn’t have independence from my parents faster.
I also feel like it burned me out for commuting for a job faster lol. My partner teases me cause I refuse to live more than 10 - 20 minutes away from work now. Look, I’ve wasted enough of my life in a car.
A lot of the other Desi students at my school commuted too, but it was hard for me to find community with them cause I’m Indo-Trinidadian and didn’t feel like I fit in
5
u/prncssjsmnxoxo 22h ago
Absolutely awful. Genuinely almost went into psychosis, the last two years were so bad that I was honestly never sober.
3
u/Tani91 1d ago edited 1d ago
I commuted at from home! My parents are wonderful so I didn’t have any drama on their side but I do regret missing out on a normal college experience and not making as many friends due to this!
5
u/RunWithBluntScissors Half-Indian, doubly confused 1d ago
What’s it like having “wonderful” Indian parents? 😭
I commuted too and I feel the same regret, this thread makes me feel less alone!
3
u/melancholynyc 1d ago
I did but I also grew up in NYC so I wasn't home much and my parents didn't care. Saved a lot of money and became more independent while also not worrying about basics like rent and food.
3
u/greedothedog 1d ago
No regrets. Still had plenty of time with friends. Graduated with minimal to no debt since my commuter school was cheaper. Looking back, now that I’m married and living my own life, I’m glad for the “bonus years” I got at home.
2
u/tftltytd_ 1d ago
yeah I regret it slightly but can't let that define the rest of my life. still had a decent uni experience like most but yes, my parents were strict which made me sneaky and stupid so maybe it's less regret about the typical college experience and moreso resentment that if they had been less strict maybe I wouldnt have done stupid things just to rebel.
2
u/compsciphy 22h ago
My sister did both. 1st and last year on res and 2nd and 3rd with parents. Worked out great for her!
2
u/OpeningTrifle376 Telugu American 22h ago
me, i regret it sm, i feel like i missed out on so many college experiences, im not allowed to go out past a certain time or stay out more than a certain amount of time without it getting stressful at home, i love partying and clubbing and all that but could never do it while at home, they’ve gotten more lenient as the years go by so ive visited my friends in other cities and thats where i was able to get some of these experiences but while im at home there’s no way, and i also can’t wear whatever i want, and i also don’t know how to be fully independent so im gonna have to learn these things after once i move out but i feel like everyone else already knows how to do certain things and im behind bc i didnt have the chance to experiment and learn things myself while living alone yet?? i feel like there’s sm more but i just cant remember rn but overall hate it
1
u/GabbyGabriella22 Malayali American (but more American than Malayali) 1d ago
Kind of. I dormed my first couple of years, but I went to a college about an hour away from my house, so I still came back on weekends. But I’ve been living full-time at home and commuting to classes for the last couple of years.
1
u/amos_samosa Indian American 1d ago
Terrible, I regret it so much. Having strict parents who didn’t get it no matter how much I explained it to them. Sure I didn’t have to go into debt and was able to secure a job through the career fair but I paid heavily with my mental health.
1
u/lounginaddict British Desi raised in Florida 22h ago
I went to community college for the first two years before moving out. My mom is pretty lax, so I'd go out all the time.
1
u/Certain_Process_7657 2h ago
Living with parents and commuting while going to a real university is just a huge waste of time/money. You may as well go to community college.
80% of the learnings in college were just how to be an adult and take care of life problems without depending on parents.
IMO the "college experience" is pretty much the whole point of going.
35
u/icedcoffeelover123 1d ago
Horrible. Missed out on the whole college experience. I'm happy with my life and where I am today, but I feel like I could have had all this sooner if I had a more "normal" college experience.