I feel like I don’t have a “home” (TW: abusive household)

[u/ridheehee]

22f. I grew up in a very conservative desi household and was always shamed for forgetting my “roots”. My dad was neglectful, he had his own bubble and he didn’t interact w the family much but my mom was the typical helicopter parent and was very abusive. My mental health throughout high school was extremely bad so I moved to another country for uni when I was 17. Of course that wasn’t easy, I had to fight my way out. My mom wanted to keep me with her so that I graduate uni and get married to some dweeb from back home.

I still visited my parents occasionally but every time I would go back home, my mental health would get affected and it would be hell for me. I still kept going because I thought it would be “different“ but I got disappointed each time. I’ve also been financially independent since I moved out so my parents can’t really “control” me anymore but they have a lot of opinions about my life and how I’m supposed to live it. I don’t even feel like participating in desi community or religious events where I am because it reminds me of the toxic household I escaped. It’s navratri rn and I remember wanting to go for an event when I lived with my parents and I remember being shamed and physically abused by my mom for a traditional outfit I wore because it “showed too much skin“. Idk if it makes sense but my perception of the “culture” or going to such events has forever been fucked because of how abusive my mother was.

I haven’t visited home in a year now and I probably will not go back anytime soon but it hurts how everybody has a place to go back to for the Christmas holidays or for Diwali and stuff or they have a support system. I’m trying to build my own life, I take therapy, I’m trying to graduate, I’m working on myself and my hobbies. I struggle a bit with friendships but I’m trying to keep myself open and also trying to be a good friend. I’m trying to build my own “home” but it still feels very lonely and lowkey scary as well.