Why are some Desi parents so obsessed with status, money, and what other people think when it comes to who their daughters marry?

[u/Famous_Heart1260]

I’m 21F, Punjabi, born and raised in Canada, and I’m genuinely so exhausted with how my parents treat my relationship.

I love my boyfriend, but my parents seem to care more about his education, career, looks, and what other people will think than whether I’m actually happy with him.

For context, my boyfriend is also Punjabi, and we’ve known each other since high school. He’s currently working in HVAC and building a career in the trades. He’s hardworking, makes his own money, and is working toward his future. But apparently, because he didn’t go to university and isn’t pursuing some prestigious white-collar profession, he’s automatically not good enough for me.

I’m currently in university pursuing my business degree, and my parents seem to think that because I’m getting a degree, I should only marry someone who has an equally impressive educational background or career.

My dad has repeatedly called my boyfriend ugly, a loser, and uneducated. He’s even said that my boyfriend looks like the “eighth wonder of the world” because he’s supposedly so ugly and that I need to get my brain checked for finding him attractive.

Like, what kind of thing is that to say about someone your daughter loves?

What’s even more ridiculous is that my parents have actually tried to set me up with another Punjabi guy they know who’s studying engineering. I’m not attracted to this guy whatsoever. He’s genuinely not my type, and I cannot picture myself being romantically involved with him.

When I told my parents that I don’t find him attractive, their response was basically, “So what if he’s ugly? He’s doing engineering.”

I’m sorry, WHAT???

Since when did someone’s degree become more important than whether you actually love them, find them attractive, or enjoy being around them?

Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life with someone I’m not attracted to just because he has an engineering degree and my parents can brag about their son-in-law to relatives?

I understand wanting your daughter to marry someone financially stable. I want that for myself too. But there’s a difference between wanting financial security and being obsessed with status.
And the hypocrisy makes it even worse. My parents previously approved of someone I dated who worked in the same field and had a similar educational background to my current boyfriend. So clearly, having a university degree isn’t always their deciding factor.

My mom has made it clear that they won’t support the marriage, and they’ve basically told me that if I choose him, I’m on my own.

They’re planning to move to British Columbia in approximately two years, which is around the time I’ll be graduating from university. They’ve suggested that if I continue choosing my boyfriend, I can stay behind and figure things out myself.

I’m also their only child, which makes this even more upsetting. I genuinely don’t understand how they can be so willing to damage their relationship with their own daughter over someone she chooses to love.

Another thing that bothers me is the double standard in my extended family. My cousin married a Black woman, which was apparently a huge deal culturally for some relatives, but his parents still spent a significant amount of money on their wedding. When I brought this up, my parents dismissed it by saying his parents weren’t happy about the marriage.

But that’s exactly my point. You don’t have to be thrilled about every decision your adult child makes to still love and support them.

I’m just so tired of feeling like my relationship is some kind of embarrassment to my family.
I work, go to university, and am trying to build a future for myself. I’m not asking my parents to financially support my boyfriend or make my decisions for me. I just wish they could respect that I’m an adult who deserves to choose her own partner.

I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now married to someone I never truly wanted just because he looked good on paper and made my parents happy.

To other Desis who have been through this:

Did your parents care more about your partner’s education, career, income, and family reputation than how they actually treated you?

Did they eventually come around, or did you have to accept that they might never approve?

And genuinely, why are some brown parents so concerned about what relatives and the community think, even when it comes at the expense of their own children’s happiness?

I love my parents, but I’m starting to feel like their love and support are conditional on me living the life they’ve chosen for me, rather than the one I want for myself.

[u/WonderstruckWonderer]

It comes from living in a collectivist, economically scarce society where money, status and reputation matters immensely.

[u/chicbeauty]

I hate being this person but I was you once and would get mad at this. At some point in life, finances play a huge role and your way of life, friends, etc. these end up causing marital conflicts

If you truly believe he’s the one, it’s best to show your parents through the strength of your relationship rather than continuing to argue with them on each point. Arguing makes it seem like you’re not aware of what you’re actually getting into which they then say something and the circle repeats

[u/Heavy_Till5231]

Older generation is lost, will be dead in two decades and fucked absolutely everything up for us. I don’t even care to discuss why at this point. The world is too hostile and unstable for me to deconstruct this shit. If they’re seriously detracting from your life and you have the means to go on your own then I’m sure you know what to do. Stop asking the “but why”…who cares, it’s a stupid and worthless mentality that doesn’t warrant your time or empathy. These people have their head 10 feet up their own asses, and frankly we as a community should tell these types to fuck off and get with the times, bluntly. It’s enough.

[u/Famous_Heart1260 → u/Heavy_Till5231]

But why do they act like this tho. I genuinely don’t understand their thought processes

[u/Sterncat23 → u/Famous_Heart1260]

Stop asking “but why”. You’re trying to find logic in the illogical. It is a waste of time

[u/chigirltravel → u/Famous_Heart1260]

There’s a book by a American Punjabi therapist called “What will people say”. She has a podcast and an active instagram that covers the why part.

I don’t feel as hostile as the person above but understand the sentiment. I’m tired of being expected to have endless amount of empathy for this generation and their sacrifices when they have no empathy for us. I don’t deny they went through a lot but it’s not like growing up for us was some breeze and it’s not an excuse to just be emotionally abusive.

Also I feel like that generation is very enabled by their community. I’m Muslim and we have so many talks about how you’re not supposed to even say uff to your parents while never going into detail in Islam that you should treat your children with kindness and respect and an individual as an adult. And they conflate cultural practices as religion like oh you’re supposed to take of you’re parents and they conflate all of this as you need to live with me, listen to everything I say (down to when you go on vacation, which car to buy, who to marry). But honesty the only way forward is to create boundaries and not confront elders with this mindset because they’ll just love pulling into your drama.

[u/512damon → u/Famous_Heart1260]

because they care more about how they look than they do about your happiness

[u/taaretoille → u/Heavy_Till5231]

It's cute you think that the subsequent generations aren't just as toxic.

[u/Heavy_Till5231 → u/taaretoille]

They aren’t

[u/taaretoille → u/Heavy_Till5231]

They actually are.

[u/Heavy_Till5231 → u/taaretoille]

Not at all

[u/OkRB2977]

Not some; most are; it is quite ingrained in our culture. Blue-collar work in general is specifically looked down upon due to historical biases surrounding caste.

Just become financially independent and do what you want.

[u/EnvironmentalStep680]

When I read this, I thought it was eerily similar to my story. My parents met my boyfriend/secret fiance and had the exact same shit fit. Comments about his ability to earn money, insults about his clothes, complaints about him being rude because he wore a suit to first meet them and bought gifts (yes, so dumb), etc

In terms of your questions:

• my parents didn't get to know him and his character at all. They didn't even think about how he would treat me
• I'm still in the process, but either they come around or get lost because I'm also not marrying someone for their approval wtf
• I think its far more about control than of what the community thinks. In my experience of the boyfriend show and tell: my dad was in shock about me having my own personality and character that wasn't what he wanted. I've always been a feminist and cared a lot less about religion etc than he does (my boyfriend is also the same religion btw, but different sect). My dad is just being controlling

My parents are doing their best, I'm well aware that my dad is emotionally immature so I manage him instead of see him as an equal. It's sad. I'm probably a little older than you are, I graduated university quite a few years ago. Things like this take time to get your head around, just go into conversations with a goal at the end: eg sort out a date to meet, have a nice conversation with no fights, ask about grandma etc. This is the only way I can have a relationship with them. My case is a little extreme though lol, my dad is truly nuts. He put my boyfriend in a car without any context and drove him to meet my uncles in a cafe, it was so random lmao. It was like "here are the boys" LOL

[u/Dapper-Ad9557]

I married somebody with less college education than I did, and it was not in stem. We have been together for almost 20 years now. My parents fought for two years before they gave in. I am happily married. They did eventually come around. I had one of my relatives stop by… I had not seen this relative in 15 years( from India). Her exact words were “ you really did good. You married well.”

My husband makes close to what a doctor does. You should lock your boyfriend down. HVAC technicians in America are making bank. Our friend who is an HVAC tech owns his own company (32) paid for one of his houses in cash. Bought another duplex and is buying 30 acres in upstate New York for hunting. After AI, the HVAC guys are going to be the new doctors. 😂

[u/Carbon-Base → u/Dapper-Ad9557]

Even if there are multiple HVAC companies in a single town, you can live quite comfortably if you own your own HVAC company - the same with any trade! That's proof of the demand they receive on a regular basis!

And last time I checked, you can't exactly ask Claude to recharge the refrigerant, clean the flame sensor, or optimize the fuel-air ratio - forget about putting in new units. These backward Desi parents need to get a grip and realize they are talking smack about a sector that will weather AI and its influence.

[u/RedTubePremium → u/Dapper-Ad9557]

HVAC can make bank, but I wouldn't say it's guaranteed. Definitely looking better in the age of AI

https://www.bls.gov/ooh/installation-maintenance-and-repair/heating-air-conditioning-and-refrigeration-mechanics-and-installers.htm

[u/DigitalAviator]

Jokes on them, with global warming happening over the next few decades, HVAC is where the money is.

[u/chai-chai-latte]

1) They probably grew up with economic scarcity the likes of which would be unfathomable to you.

2) They probably did not choose their partner or get to factor looks or attraction into the choice.

It's can be very hard for them to accept things might be different or better for you. I wouldn't wait for them to come around. You do you.

[u/infinite_o2]

I come from a country where a nurse or teacher makes less than a well off trades person. Do what you want, if they are willing to risk their only child over this then let them lose it. They have more to lose as you get older. My parents didn't approve my my girlfriend (even though she was nice to me, beautiful and everything you would want) just because she was a a different caste to me. (It's hard enough finding someone you like and your own culture) Would tell me stuff like she's not pretty because of her huge eyes to my sister (if you say so mum). Your parents die one day but you will live and hopefully in those times you have your partner who will love you. Make your choice and live with the positives and negatives.

EDIT: They accept of her now, when they realised I can live without them on the streets than with their money.

[u/SharpAardvark8699]

Village mentality that's why. I'd say him being Punjabi means same culture too.

In my experience AS LONG AS YOU ARE SURE, and it works out, it will all blow over. No one gives a shit in the end. Other people's lives go shit too and they end up with rubbish jobs too. And you all just pretend you never had these pretensions. And your parents grow up too

But remember if you go against them make it a good decision. When you get older you realise life is really short 

[u/Many_Difficulty_490]

hey, reading about your story really sucks. unfortunately i think thats just how some people were raised. Your parents never lived for themselves, they probably got told what to study, who to marry and other big decisions that they shouldve made. Its also mega common in india to not show "love" like affection, hugs or whatever, and career, eduation and accomplishments are looked at more than anything.

you know this stuff tho and by this point your not gonna be able to change your parents mind or world understandings.

you probably also know what you should do too, which is to just ignore them and make the marriage decision for yourself. Its one thing, if your parents advise you against someone with somewhat of a valid reason they suspect you shouldnt marry this guy. but this seems purely because he works in the trades..

[u/taaretoille]

I had a Desi girl tell me "[I] don't make enough for her to get past my looks" and it still affects how I approach Desi women for dating and marriage now.

It's not just parents, it's the younger generation as well that perpetuates this thinking.

[u/RedTubePremium → u/taaretoille]

That's not even a South Asian thing. Plenty of (toxic) women would say that. Think about every un-attractive rich, old man

[u/Jugad]

In US and Canada, an immigrant who is making it on their own needs enough money to just survive... either you have that money and have a pretty decent life, or you end up on the street and dead within a few months (or move back - which to some is the same). The environment is not conducive to low income or homelessness. Sure... there are social welfare programs to support homeless citizens a bit, but immigrants don't qualify for those and don't tend to take it into consideration when planning their or their children's future lives.

From my parents perspective... either you live well, or you go homeless and die on the streets (or return to India) - which was true for them. So, not doing well is, at worst, a death sentence... at best, its a huge amount of suffering (which can be worse than a death sentence - depending on the circumstances).

Bring a couple of kids into that picture and the stress in difficult times itself half kills you. They don't want to go through that stress again with their children and grandchildren... not in their old age when they are barely hanging on in their retirement with no job.

Sure, my parents would end up supporting me no matter what... but it will be terribly stressful if they did have to support me and my family.

Through lessons learnt during difficult times, having sufficient money is extremely important to my parents. That's the bottom line.

> My parents previously approved of someone I dated who worked in the same field and had a similar educational background to my current boyfriend. So clearly, having a university degree isn’t always their deciding factor.

Sounds like your current boyfriend rubbed your parents the wrong way - maybe not through any mistake of his own. There are often subtle things which can be difficult to explain - and it could be something that matters to them but does not matter to you.

[u/pappugulal → u/Jugad]

really nice response ... appreciate it.

[u/cvnnd]

It doesn’t matter, they made it clear: either you choose him or your parents. You cannot have both or change them. The question now should be, what will you do OP?

[u/RedTubePremium]

Ignoring the most radical comments that are basically wishing your parents dead, it's easy to understand why. It's old world mentality. It means your social standing, your quality of life, how much your friends, family, extended family, strangers, and the world see is you whether you're well off (married, nice house, high-achieving kids), or whether you're... I guess not.

To most families, this means marrying within your culture (probably less divorce, better connection with your culture, cultural continuity with your kids/their grandkids). This means your son-in-law (head of the family along with you) will be a white-collar professional/in medicine or at least making a shit ton of money.

Now obviously you don't live in a very society that's that socially... shaped anymore. You live in the West. Some of those cultural stigmas still exist though, just not as deeply. You're still seen highly if you're a doctor, and not so much if you're HVAC.

I think your parents will eventually come around, but I'm sorry they're making life so hard on you now.

[u/Pirasee]

Cause they are thinking long term.

[u/itsthuggerbreaux]

it’s the symptom of the class society we will live in. you need money to get ahead and the concept of marriage originated due to the passing along of the inheritance, not based on true love. it’s backwards and only the abolishing of the economic system that keeps people divided by classes can kill this type of thinking.

[u/Damokai]

lol I’m glad my parents grew up in America too cuz the way you guys talk about your parents they sound so damn annoying