I started a lengthy and overly-wordy description of my problem, but I realized you don't need my entire relationship history.

In short - not only has my (65F N DX) "likely ADHD" husband (78F N DX) stopped contributing to the household (in terms of chores/repairs, as he has NEVER contributed financially so this was supposed to be how he was an equal partner) - but, when I try to non-confrontationally request that specific maintenance tasks be completed (via a "task board") - he ignores it. Even when he performs that task, he doesn't tell me that he has completed it, so I often have no way to know that it has been done.

How do you ask that an ADHD partner do their part without pissing them off, but hold them accountable for actually doing their part, and then get them to communicate that they have done their part?

P.S. I also am "likely ADHD," but I try my damndest to do those things that I'm responsible for doing.

I’m NT, and my girlfriend is dx

My girlfriend seems happy when I give her gifts or do thoughtful things for her.

However, she rarely expresses gratitude verbally, and she doesn’t often initiate thoughtful gestures or do things for me in return.

To be clear, I don’t give gifts expecting something back. That’s not why I do it.

But over time, I’ve started feeling like I’m the one who is constantly giving, while receiving relatively little emotional appreciation in return.

I don’t think she’s selfish, rude, or intentionally inconsiderate. Still, I feel a little exhausted..

Have any of you experienced similar feelings? How can I better understand this kind of situation in a way that helps me feel less emotionally drained and more at peace with it?

Need some advice and I feel like a total asshole even feeling this way.

My dx ADHD husb also has stage 4 chronic kidney disease (CKD). We found out in June and has had 3 hospital stays in the meantime. We still don't have an official cause and so he will continue to get worse as he continues going thru medical testing. On top of that, his CKD makes his ADHD worse and he is not able to see how bad his executive functioning is. He is well enough to still go to work.

Just before June I realized I don't want to be married anymore and then he ended up in the hosp. I am just done with parenting him. There is no intimacy anymore. He is dx and on meds but refuses therapy. It's been like this for years.

I was also laid off earlier this year. I have been actively looking for work and went back to school and have interviews and all that.

My therapist suggested I tell him where I'm at in the relationship but without a job and with his health, do I even have a convo with him about where I'm at? Do I need to suck it up and be his caretaker as he gets sicker? I love him and don't want him to be sick, but I seriously cannot take this environment anymore. I am not getting my needs met.

What should I do?

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

This is a follow up to my post from a few days ago. (Confabulation is ruining my marriage)

After reading all the comments, I gotta ask….are you happy?

My husband (39 - N DX) has been acting off for a couple of years now. He’s irritable, has had cognitive decline, super defensive and experiences memory loss/confabulation. He had a sleep study done and was told he has Sleep Apnea and initially refused to wear his CPAP. After almost a year of me crying and begging him to wear it, he finally started to wear it but nothing‘s changed. He did see a therapist a few times and she suggested that he might have ADHD. He completed a questionnaire for his doctor and we’re just waiting to hear back. But from my research it sounds like he has a combo of ADHD and Sleep Apnea.

He’s completely miserable to be around. I dread weekends because I hate being home with him. When we‘re out of the house and doing activities with the our toddler, it’s fine and he’s like his old self again but when we’re stuck at home, he’s argumentative over things he can’t remember, out of it and just an asshole.

Does it get better once they’re diagnosed and medicated?

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

My (28F) husband (30M, dx) got his diagnosis in earlier this year and is now on medication. His dosage has stabilised for a few months now.

Whenever I point out something that he’s done wrong, or overlooked, he immediately gets upset and mopes and basically throws a tantrum. He refuses to speak then. I’m careful not to ascribe blame when I point something out to him, rather just to point out what’s wrong/irregular about the situation. Unfortunately he reacts the same way each time, in that he becomes upset, blames me for not considering some aspect of it, and then repeats it again in the near future. Then he remains upset at me until I have to cheer him up.

As a result, I have taken to shutting up and putting up. However, after two years of this, I am simply tired. I would be interested to hear from others who have faced similar situations and how you worked through it.

I'm not just talking like "hey, what do you want to do tomorrow?" or "you want to check out that new spot next weekend?" I'm talking "hey, you want to go to Japan in ten years? Let's work out every single detail now and if you aren't on board, then I'll get merose and downtrodden pulling you down with me!" My partner is dx ADHD and constantly wants to travel, lining up where, laying out these itineraries and they are mind numbingly irritating. It was kind of fun at first, but it got old quickly when she started to get a certain way after I expressed not wanting to talk about stuff so far in advance and that there are much more pressing matters to deal with. She has pages of all the places she wants to go and things to do in a special order and guess where they all usually end up? In a box or forgotten among other notebooks. Then onto the next dopamine hit. Then she'll re-visit it later at random dragging me along for the ride.

I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about or have similar experiences. I'd love to hear about them.

I’m (dx) 34F and practice solo poly. I’ve noticed a pattern in some of the married couples I’ve encountered who later opened their relationship. ADHD sometimes seems to be part of the picture. I’m curious whether others have noticed something similar. I’m not suggesting that ADHD causes polyamory, or that people with ADHD are inherently more likely to be unfaithful or unable to maintain monogamy. I’m more curious about whether traits associated with ADHD such as novelty-seeking, impulsivity, emotional regulation difficulties, or untreated symptoms can sometimes influence the decision to open an established marriage.

I’ve also noticed situations where one partner seems to become the caretaker or manager of the other partner’s ADHD. Sometimes there seems to be a combination of low self-esteem, codependency, or difficulty addressing underlying relationship problems. For context, I’m autistic and have had a previous relationship where all my partners had ADHD symptoms but didn’t want therapy or treatment. Over time, I found myself taking on a caretaker role, and that experience taught me that I don’t want to continue relationships where I’m expected to compensate for someone else’s untreated issues. So I’m curious about people’s experiences.. If your partner has ADHD, especially if they were diagnosed before or during your marriage, did you recognize these dynamics before opening your relationship? Was treatment or therapy part of the conversation? And for those who opened a previously monogamous marriage, did you ever feel that opening the relationship might solve problems that were actually rooted in ADHD, self-esteem, codependency, or existing relationship dynamics?

Me, 52 and n dx spouse F51 have been together for 26 years. In the last 2 years, I've really noticed a change. We went to therapy earlier this year. She made it through 3 sessions. I'm still going. Recently, our son away at college had an assessment done for ADHD and is now on medication. I haven't seen him yet but talking to him, he seems much better. Spouse doesn't want to get an assessment and says after all these years some things should just remain a mystery.

I'm at the point where I want to put together an action plan with the goal of getting her to a doctor for an assessment. What worked for you to get your reluctant partner to get an assessment?

My husband (DX and medicated) forgets things all the time. I can let it go when it's something inconsequential, but I have a harder time when it comes to promises he's made regarding our relationship.

I see that he's trying and that he truly does just operate much differently than me. I think I get validation and comfort when someone follows through and keeps their promises. To him it's totally different. He just sees it as a memory thing and not about how much he cares.

This is really difficult for me to accept...how do you do it? It feels like I have to deaden part of myself to just keep moving forward and to stop caring.

How do you handle positive reinforcement and praise? It’s like I want to notice and encourage behavior changes (like doing a chore without being reminded or making an appointment for the dog) but I also feel like its kind of throwing a parade for something that’s really just a baseline household expectation.

Partner is dx and unmedicated, but going to therapy which is really helping to build insight and try new skills.

Like pretty much everyone here, I have had to carry and sacrifice a lot to make the shared life with my ADHD partner "work," and I use quotes because it's still far from ideal and I recognize it never will be. There are things I need when connecting with people or carrying the burdens of normal life that she just isn't a good fit for providing, for one reason or another. But I still need those things all the same.

To those of you who have good support networks outside of your partnership, do they help you feel better about your ADHD partner and your relationship? I don't have such a support network, so I wonder if my anger/frustration with my DX/RX wife (of which ADHD symptoms are the main cause) might be better if I was able to find the things I am not getting with her through other connections in my life. (And I don't mean hiring a butler or gardner or general chores; I mean meaningful supportive relationships and connections between myself and others, like friends/extended family/allies/companions/etc.)

And I guess this isn't strictly limited to an ADHD-impacted relationship, but that's my situation so I'm asking it here.

I’ve been with my boyfriend (dx but unmedicated) for about a year, and it was great at first but has become more difficult with time. I knew he had ADHD because he told me early on that he was diagnosed as a kid and had to learn how to control his high energy and disruptive behavior to stop getting in trouble at school. He’s anti medication, which he also mentioned early because he said he doesn’t want to feel like a “zombie”. I noticed how he’d get talking really fast and jump all over the place early on and knew that the ADHD was probably why, but that and other symptoms seemed manageable and were generally when he was positively excited. This week he’s started picking fights with me when we’re having a nice time, about past things he’ll suddenly bring up. Last night he started shouting and couldn’t calm down because I ended up just doing something that I’d asked him to do an hour before that he intended to do but hadn’t yet. He called me a bit later to apologize and said he doesn’t know why he’s been overreacting and picking at me lately. I had no thought of his ADHD being related even though it now sounds obvious. Just stumbled onto a thread here when I was googling looking for how to handle sudden arguments that escalated out of seemingly nowhere.

The more I read in this sub the more I’m seeing things that sound so familiar. I’m certainly not blameless and he met me at a time when my mental health was absolutely awful and we talked about it but he pursued me anyways, and went really fast. I tend to leave when he starts getting too loud and angry, and it sounds like that’s the advice in this sub, but he can’t stand it when I do that and tries to stop me. It sounds like there’s a lot of things I need to learn (him too) and plenty of things that we can try, so that makes me feel better, but it feels like a huge undertaking especially now knowing that a lot of this is physiologically out of his control. I really hate being shouted at and I’m curious if that will ever truly be possible to avoid having to deal with

She is dx and I am NT. We have a baby coming at the end of Feb, her priorities are not same as mine. I would like nurseries to be picked because there is a waiting list (likely). She is busy looking to buy stuff.

The shed isn't tidied so it will be a dumping ground for stuff.

I would like to share some responsibilities because I am overwhelmed with work, chores and planning for the baby.

What is your partner good at and what were you able to give to them that they do consistently?

This is a weird one.

When our overstimulated cat playfully/accidentally scratches or hurts him in some way, my partner(dx) feels a deep sense of personal betrayal and it seems to trigger an RSD event.

Tonight our cat was visibly riled up, and (being a cat unable to resist the temptation of an exposed arm in his personal space) playfully tried to square up and get a taste of my partner’s arm. My husband will often do things that backfire (like pointing at the cat or trying to pry his paws off) which just makes the cat think it's a game and attack with double the energy.

Instead of simply moving his arm out of the way, my partner freezes.. just watching it happen, and demands the cat to stop… as if the cat has any respect for authority, understands English, or is opposed to committing daily crimes against humanity….of course our cat does not stop and my husband boils over and yells.

If I offer practical advice (like telling him to just move and disengage because our cat does not understand or follow any laws of morality) he gets even more upset, as if I am brushing off this huge injustice that happened to him. He whined that it was unprovoked in what reminds me of a drawn-out seven-year-old voice, like “But he hit meeeee! I wasn't even dooooing anything!"

This isn’t the first time. And it’s giving me a serious ick. Is this a common RSD trigger that others have observed?

I have noticed him having a similar disproportionate reaction from our nieces and nephews when they are just being… kids. It’s like he is emotionally stuck as a child and is so bizarre to me.

I found this sub because I literally googled "person getting upset over conversation that they thought happened but didn't" which lead me to the definition of the word confabulation. When I googled "confabulation Reddit" this sub was the second result and since my husband (39 -N DX) just got an ADHD questionnaire from his doctor, I figured this might be the right place for me.

The reason for my google search and this post is that my husband constantly gets upset and starts arguments with me because of things he's convinced I said when I never said it at all. For example, last night I was watching a movie with our toddler while he did chores and he was upset that I "get to relax" and in addition to that, he didn't get a chance to make the soup he wanted to make. I asked him why didn't he hang out with us (there was nothing he was doing that couldn't wait, it was a long weekend and we were all exhausted) or why didn't he make the soup if that's what he wanted to do. He blew up at me and said that I told him to "go work" and that I said he can't make the soup. I never said either of those things, in fact, I completely forgot he even wanted to make a soup but he was so convinced that I did which then started a fight. This happens all the time. It's like he creates these conversations in his head and then gets upset over them.

I should also note that he has Sleep Apnea and refused to wear his CPAP until a couple weeks ago so maybe the confabulation is related to that? But he did see a therapist a few months ago and she suggested that he might have ADHD and he finally talked to his doctor about it and she gave him the questionnaire to complete last week.

We both work full time, share the chores 50/50 but I do the majority of childcare. If I take time to relax on the weekends, he get upset and picks a fight over it. Is not relaxing an ADHD thing? (I'm aware that he could just be a jerk).

For those who deal with confabulation in their relationship, what do you do? I am so sick of being blamed for things I never said or did.

I am struggling with my husband’s (35 M dx medicated) self victimisation problem.

I understand that he has ADHD, yes buddy I get it and I accept it as a disability to understand and perform certain things.

But the way he behaves as if he is the only person walking on this planet with any kind of problem is what is bothers me. He would weaponise his issues to victimise himself (if it is making any sense).

Please suggest me how do I deal with his self victimisation issue, he thinks great injustice has been done to him.

Edit- 1- changed flair so that everyone can reply.

2- Changed flair as after reading a comment realised I have not updated my flair, since my husband has recently started his medication.

I never stop, always fire fighting, dealing with whatever trigger has set one of them off. Amongst that I seem to be always too much or not enough. Two youngish kids, one DX AuADHD, the other ADHD with RSD. Husband DX with ADHD with RSD. Just to be able to have an interesting conversation that's about something not to do with them. Or a conversation about what I'm dealing with that doesn't burn them out. I can't leave the house because of chronic conditions and I don't have the energy for friends. I'm burnt out. I guess I'm just sad that I keep hoping I'll find pockets of conversational fulfillment at home and then it spectacularly falls flat on its face and I'm just left feeling empty. Am I the only one who has found this?

How do you all deal with overreactions?

My husband (59, dx) didn’t talk to me for the past 24 hours and hid out in our office all day and night because I calmly told him it bothered me that he didn’t acknowledge me when I came home and that he interrupted me and talked over me several times during the evening when some friends were over.

Once he decided to talk to me again, he said that I attacked him and made him feel like he did it on purpose.

He could have just said “oh sorry… didn’t mean it.” Was my comment really worth a 24-hours tantrum? Am I not supposed to say anything when I feel ignored and disrespected?

34F with 30M dx.

I've seen a lot of conversations here about ADHD partners lacking empathy. How does this community feel about the Double Empathy Problem?

My partner and I fight constantly about his lack of empathy/ care. But since getting into this research, I've been thinking about whether this may be the reason why? It's mainly targeted at autism but can also be applicable to ADHD.

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)