r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 8d ago
Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::
Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.
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u/fluffynukeit Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
I'm really interested in the venn diagram of /r/ADHD_partners and /r/DeadBedrooms. I'm going to read a couple of books on ADHD and sexual intimacy, but throughout the years, the more I read on ADHD, the less hope I have...on any of it. I learn about all the mental and emotional obstacles that she needs to deal with, from her own mouth even, and I restructure my whole life to get them out of her way like a bulldozer husband, and she still sits at her computer for 7 hours each day after work.
It's just who she is. :'(
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u/nightstoolong Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
We also have what some might consider a dead bedroom (maybe once every month or so) but for opposite reasons - he would love sex daily but refuses to put in the emotional/mental work to make me feel like I’m more than a hole he remembers about at the end of the day. I’m sure the venn diagram has huge overlap.
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u/-bubblepop Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
Wow that’s a great way to describe it. In the same situation but I put an end to it and now he throws tantrums that he’s not “allowed” to ask for intimacy
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u/Eschscholzia_ca 7d ago edited 7d ago
Why is it a surprise that I don’t want to get cuddly and affectionate with someone who’s 5 minutes ago spew non stop insults at everything in the world especially me?
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u/-bubblepop Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
Wow the words “wanna do it” don’t light a fire in your loins night after night? And the tantrum if you don’t?
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u/champagne_raptor 7d ago
I have since split up with him but my partner was the same, explaining how badly it affected me and the need for me to be emotionally safe to want intimacy fell on deaf ears.
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u/darthpaul1978 Partner of NDX 7d ago
I have the opposite issue. The adhd means she never feels emotionally safe despite my best efforts, so the bedroom is deader than dead. It's got to a point where I'm half looking forward to senescence reducing my sex drive. Tired of not being seen or wanted.
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u/HiHawaiiHigh 7d ago
Some say sex with adhd people has a definite arc what with the love spamming in the beginning leading to a dead bedroom in the end because their executive dysfunction, ED, doesn't allow for the ability to retain a deep personal connection with their spouse
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u/RiseoftheHoneyBadger Ex of DX 8d ago edited 7d ago
I also had a dead bedroom that started about 5 months into moving in together.
He'd rather play video games than pay any attention to me. It had been, I think (I don't remember) over a year since any intimacy before I moved out. I sought help on r/DeadBedrooms and received none.
That sub is a lot of men who are solely intimate when it's sexual, and believe that the other partner who is only touched for sex is in the wrong, and resent them for it.
A guy who was engaging in other forms of intimacy with his partner and working towards a healthy dynamic got downvoted and roasted in the comments.
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u/SoleInvictus DX/DX 8d ago
Agreed, that sub is toxic AF. I'm sorry they didn't help, but I'm glad you didn't get sucked in.
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u/Fritzy2361 Partner of NDX 8d ago
There’s definitely overlap. Mine had an eval and apparently didn’t meet criteria for ADHD, but I’m still not convinced…
But I got the luxury of getting the double bonus of the PMDD comorbidity… my F partner complains of me being distant…
Sorry, I don’t really feel an urge to fuck someone who rages at me for 1/3rd of the month.
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u/redtuna2012 7d ago
They also found a connection between people who have ADHD and porn addiction. Constant dopamine seeking. Good times.
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u/AmbivalentFuture Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
Yup. The most common groups you’ll find others in this group in are the deadbedrooms and the divorce subs.
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u/BeyondTired00 7d ago
My partner always wants sex actually, but she gets really fucking passively bitchy when it isn't as often as she likes. I notice everything whether she likes it or not and I see how she changes when sex isn't implemented often. Intimacy isn't the issue; constantly being the sole source of her energy is.
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u/Any_Creep_0706 6d ago
Honestly I've learned no matter how hard I try its never enough. What I do is not acknowledged and she focuses only on my faults. She shows me no physical affection, can't even remember the last time we were intimate. She shows no interest in me AT ALL. But she gets angry when I try to talk about how it makes me feel. She acts offended that I feel like she's not attracted to me and she'll say like "that's not true " but I have yet to get a single compliment even.
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u/darthpaul1978 Partner of NDX 8d ago
Just sat and listened to her moan at her mother about how shit and hard everything is, and take zero responsibility for any of it. Everything is someone else's fault, or she's a victim of circumstance. I didn't have anyone encouraging me to do certain things either, but I've gone out and fucking done them.
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u/bug530 Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
It's like they always choose the hardest way to do something then complain everything's hard. If you try to suggest an easier way they double down. I can't keep mine from signing up for extra shit all the time then have to hear her constantly complain about how much she has to do. I'll mention I'm about to do something, she says "no I'll do it" then it never gets done. Her offers to help are worse than doing nothing.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 8d ago
Like my niece likes to say: "they make easy things difficult, difficult things impossible, then spend all their time complaining how actually impossible things are unfair to them."
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u/fluffynukeit Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
Worse than doing nothing is right because then when they don’t do it, either 1) you have to wait to give them a chance to remember 2) remind them or do it yourself, and hear all about how they “were just about to” 3) do it yourself secret, but all they remember is they offered to help, which is more important than actually helping for them.
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u/Fritzy2361 Partner of NDX 8d ago
The ‘I was just about to/ why did you do that, I was going to do that’ drives me up a wall.
No.. you weren’t. I knew you weren’t, and you knew you weren’t. (Especially if it isn’t something exciting)
Just say thank you and move on… better yet, just say zero.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
Same. Either I have the most incredible sensitivity to her thoughts, such that I can always choose AND time things to be when she was "just about to" do it, or we live a life where every day is a series of coincidences of me doing what she was "just about to do", and we should buy a bunch of lottery tickets too.
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u/Ancient_Sun9785 Partner of NDX 7d ago
I also have the "it doesn't need to be done right now" response. Obviously, I end up having to do it as i can't wait any linger, and then being called "controlling" because "you don't get to decide when I do the task" It's like communicating with a teenager
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u/Thats_My_Daisy Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago
God it really is worse than them doing nothing. She sees I’m struggling trying to take care of everything but then if she does jump in it gets anywhere between 40-70% done before it’s on to the next thing or back to the phone and it’s somehow worse than before she started. But then if I come through and finish or take over I’m “correcting her”
JFC…
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 7d ago
Every time I read an account like this, I shudder. It is insanely frustrating to hear about how all the consequences of someone's actions are not their fault. When she started blaming Fate and a host of different gods, I just shut down. No, it was your fault because you made decision X that directly caused circumstance Y.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
Yep. And conversely, when something goes well, mine credits whatever self-help book she's reading this week and her brilliance in selecting it. "The eggs you cooked turned out well because I attracted positive energy to the pan by using a technique I read..."
Or maybe I just don't burn the eggs because I don't get distracted like you?
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u/darthpaul1978 Partner of NDX 7d ago
She's been able to drive for a lot longer than me. She was the person who pushed me to learn. So I learned, and now I'm driving everywhere because she can't cope with it right now. All sorts of promises about when x happens, when the stars magically align, she'll be okay again. I don't push her into trying, but to suddenly hear the entirely new excuse that she was "never encouraged to drive by her parents when she was younger" is infuriating. It's just the latest reason in a calvacade of bullshit.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 8d ago edited 8d ago
I’ve finally realised that I’m too emotionally invested in him. I let his comments and behaviour affect me way too much.
I spend so much time (including on this sub) overthinking what he says, how he says it, and how he behaves. I get angry and frustrated and end up letting it ruin my whole day.
He says I choose to be angry and that he’s never angry. And he’s right, he isn’t. I think it’s because he just doesn’t care that much about what’s going on.
He’s asked me to open up, but when I do, he doesn’t seem to care about anything I say. He never says it outright, but it’s clear to me that he doesn’t think he needs to change. I’m the problem.
I told him what I need from him, and he couldn’t really respond. He didn’t disagree, but he didn’t agree either, because I don’t think he sees it as a problem.
So from now on, I’m taking a step back and focusing on decentering him and making myself the centre of my own life.
It’s hard, and I’ll probably be here ranting, but I’m going to try to spend less time thinking and talking about him in general.
Maybe eventually I will have the guts to actually leave.
Edits: Any tips on how to center myself are welcome. I’ve put myself last since my childhood, and always coped with it in unhealthy ways. Books, podcasts, practical tips are all appreciated.
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u/nightstoolong Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
This was a huge mindset shift for me. He isn’t ever mad or sad about our relationship because the details don’t fucking stick in his head, so why should they stick in mine? He can’t plan anything with his friends to give him a social outlet, but that doesn’t mean I have to sit at home and babysit him. Definitely recommend prioritizing yourself and things that fill your cup — I’ve found that taking extra space from the relationship actually makes it more fun to come back to.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 8d ago
He isn’t ever mad or sad about our relationship because the details don’t fucking stick in his head, so why should they stick in mine?
Exactly this. He doesn’t care enough to remember, so why should I?
We met through a mutual hobby and our social lives are very much intertwined. I’m looking for ways to distance myself from that. It’s hard, because I like these hobbies and people, but it’s just too much about him all the time.
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u/taohuaspring 6d ago
Tips
- light exercise 20min a day to reduce cortisol
- gentle yoga/stretches may help you feel more present in your body
- avoid thinking about the relationship at nighttime/before bed
- stop overexplaining stuff to him , save your energy
- reach out to trustworthy friends and family who can bolster your confidence in the reality that what you are going through is not what you deserve and that your feelings and needs are valid
- individual therapy
- self-care app or books: you can get good ideas from various sources. The key is to try out self-care exercises and choose what works for you.
- Journaling is very important for emotional processing
- mood log apps such as How We Feel can help you take a moment to check in with your feelings and see the bigger picture of how you feel over time.
- look up somatic grounding, breathing, and vagal nerve exercises and see what works for you
- do not expect a short period of self-care and decentering to be a cure all or that you'll feel instant relief. You may not notice an effect at first but it's important to keep at it and build up your self-care habits with time
- treat this like a life-saving mission, especially if you're barely hanging on or are experiencing physical/mental symptoms that have developed from the relationship. You are saving your life by focusing on your own health.
- start small and work your way up, especially if you're totally exhausted. Don't expect yourself to run before you can walk
Please let me know if i already recommended you some books and if so what titles, I can't remember if I already did or not...
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago
Thank you so much!!! These tips are so helpful! I exercise a lot, but I think I need more mindfulness and gentle stretches. The over explaining one is also on point, I do it way too much.
I think you (or someone else?) recommended Codependent no more, which I found really helpful. Other than that, I’m open to any suggestions.
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u/fleetingsparrow92 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
Im working on this as well but im leaving so it makes it easier. I started doing things like buying stuff for myself again, wearing perfume, dressing up. Skin care routine. Went to the spa. Going to places id given up on him ever taking me. Ignoring him. I still think about him way too much but its been nice go be pampered.
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u/Empty-Importance-398 7d ago
"I’ve finally realized that I’m too emotionally invested in him. " That is an interesting way to look at these ADHD/other co-morbidity relationships; I need to ponder that. I brought in my own problems, but until I ended up here around I year ago, I didn't realize I have co-dependent tendencies. Ugh, I wish I didn't have co-dependent tendencies....
I am drained. I just again got set off by his mood swings. He wanted to start a fight but I did everything I could to stay calm and not escalate (escalate includes showing any emotion or saying something construed as 'mean', or defending myself against whatever fake story is in his head). I am not interested in these stupid fights anymore. I am opting out. They are always the same circular sh-- where I am a terrible, horrible person that made him crazy. If he is sooooooooo freaking miserable, why doesn't he just leave? Why? Oh, that would take effort. And, he has nowhere else to go since he has chased off every old friend and has problems with everyone he meets after the initial meet/greet. No job. Oh, and his horrid parents would get the satisfaction of him getting divorced. Fan-freaking-tastic. I feel so loved!
Here I am back on this forum trying to calm my nerves back down and sitting here telling myself his moods are his to manage so stay sitting down. I need to be focusing on work but I have been thrown out of it. He does this on purpose, doesn't he?
What are you supposed to do when your spouse says he wasted his life and that I made him crazy and suddenly is like I am aaaaalllllonnnnneee all of the time and you never spend time with meeeeeee? WHY WOULD I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU?!? I agree work has required too much OT, but I have to keep my job. WTF else am I supposed to do? He refuses to get a job, go find a hobby club, make new friends, or even volunteer but than loses it on me that he is alone all the time, and I don't spend time with him. Spend time with him is watch news stuff I mentally can't handle (things are so bad right now!), watch him scroll on his tablet and be shown memes, snuggle on the couch and be talked at, 'watch something' and pause it every couple of minutes to say some stupid crap that popped in his head. After a day of sitting commuting, sitting at my desk, sitting on the commute back, shockingly, I can't tolerate sitting anymore!!!
I just don't want to try anymore. I will unquestionably take blame on some of our relationship problems, but... He bitches and yells about things I have been doing. I overthink but have found some merit in some of the things he said and have worked hard on improving those. BUT, I AM STILL BE BLOWN UP AT. He says my effort isn't good enough. I shouldn't try anymore.
Sorry for the novel, your first sentence really made me ponder!
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u/Many_Advance_9609 Partner of DX - Medicated 6d ago
I, too, have learned to center myself more often with the help of my therapist and this sub. For me, the little things work wonders. On days when I simply can't put up with his poor-me depressive bullshit, I leave the house for a few hours and find a cool part of town to wander around. I dress sexy, get a latte, put my headphones on, walk the streets, take in the city sights and just zone out. Sometimes I find a movie to go see, or a new thrift shop to explore, and then just build a Me Day around it. It's hugely helpful for my decompression. (Weed gummies are a huge help, too, for the distraction lol)
Sending hugs and solidarity. You're not alone.
Nobody knows how strong we are. They really don't.
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u/ToiletPaperTycoon123 8d ago
This isn’t a big deal, but maybe some of you will relate or find it funny lol. I spent my only day off in 11 days attending two of my wife’s (RX) family gatherings. We had a ton of fun , but it was an hour and a half away- and my social battery by the end was fully drained. On the way home, she sang/rapped practically every lyric of music that was playing. We were five minutes away from home and when another song came on , she continued, and I regrettably let out a sigh. She then says “what? I can’t even have fun?”. I responded by saying we had fun all day and she spent the last 1.5 hours having fun. She immediately then turned off the music and the rest of the card ride wouldn’t speak to me. Luckily, her RSD subsided fairly quickly and we were able to enjoy the rest of the night. I guess this is a rant and a success story? Looking forward to reading the rest of your guys rants!
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u/fluffynukeit Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
“what? I can’t even have fun?”
You can, but it can't be the ONLY thing you do!
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u/Warburgerska Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago
Actually, this sounds like it belongs to the success thread.
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u/BeyondTired00 8d ago
My partner doesn't sing, but her music tastes are just...ugh. Mine isn't flawless by any stretch, but maybe some of you have experienced this with their ADHD partners listening to rapid-fire tunes, very "raunchy" sexcore or some strange poppy amalgamations that sound almost AI-created.
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u/Upstairs_Bell7502 Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
It’s never enough, they can’t end anything reasonably. Just stopped going out many years ago because it would inevitably end in some sort of ridiculous conflict
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u/Any_Creep_0706 6d ago
Yeah I cannot say a WORD to my partner without her twisting it around and trying to find a way for me to be wrong
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u/music_lover2025 7d ago
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has this happen. My bf will start humming in the morning while making his breakfast. I’m a grad student, who works part time, interns, goes to school and comes home to do hw. I am pretty much exhausted 24/7 and enjoy my quiet time. Especially in the morning trying to prep for my day. He knows this. But what do I hear? Every morning he’s humming in the kitchen while we are both making breakfast. I ask him to stop. He gets upset and confused. I tell him he can have energy and be happy for the day without humming and making noise for those of us who need some quiet in the morning. At first he told me he was allowed to be joyful and do whatever he wanted and that if I didn’t like it I could put in my AirPods. I told him if I want quiet, how is that going to help me if I have AirPods in? I don’t want any kind of noise playing. Now he understands, a lot of that was a whacky med adjustment. But even still, I get tired of repeating myself every morning
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u/Bridgelogs Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago
I hate him. He's emotionally abusive, controlling. Has massive anger issues and a very narcissistic personality. I'm seeking therapy, to get the fuck out.
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u/exhausted91 Partner of DX - Multimodal 3d ago
I hate mine, too. Truly hate him.
Someone in this sub once said “emotionally healthy people do not stay in ADHD-impacted relationships” and that really struck me.
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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 5d ago
Leave him. I did. And it was the best decision I made in the last years. Life is so much more peaceful now.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 8d ago edited 8d ago
Had to go to a family gathering this week - unavoidable, it was a memorial service. I am just freshly amazed at their inability to function. Dinner was supposed to be around 6pm. Of course I knew better, and brought plenty to eat surreptitiously (they get offended if there's any hint you think they might not be perfectly on time).
Long story short, dinner wasn't ready until about 11pm. Somehow they were unable to connect this to the fact that they didn't arrive until 7pm, monologued at each other for an hour or two, then finally started cooking around 9:30pm.
It's so weird hearing 40yo+ adults genuinely baffled as to why they weren't eating closer to 7pm. Their complete and utter lack of time sense confounds me.
After dinner, they told the same tedious stories they always do until they were all bored. Then, when it was time to leave, they spend 1.5 hours talking "just one more thing's" at the door. We didn't leave until 2am.
In their minds, mysterious unseen forces cause late dinners to occur, completely out of their control.
And that is why I normally refuse family gatherings, and they just cannot understand it.
Edit: typo
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u/SoleInvictus DX/DX 8d ago
It truly is baffling. What kills me is I also have ADHD, but I can see all of this! I know when I'm doing ADHD person things, often in real time but always in retrospect, especially when someone points it out. I don't understand how so many ADHDers stumble through life without seeing any of it.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
All but two are undiagnosed and resistant to the concept of ADHD. One even says that it's impossible that she has ADHD, even though her daughter does and all her relatives do. She says she only has some "issues with executive functioning" which she ascribes to being a creative-type person.
That said, the next generation, my nieces and nephew and kid are all DX/RX and have very effective learned strategies and take a no-excuses approach. They're fine.
Their parents' generation (in my in-law family, I mean) view any kind of difficulty, be it physical or mental, as shameful. Even allergies and autoimmune disorders are scoffed at. We (me and the kids) think it's a result of all the academic and social issues their ADHD caused when they were kids.
Nevertheless, their lack/refusal of introspection causes them (and the few remaining spouses) and their kids real harm.
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u/SoleInvictus DX/DX 7d ago
Are we related? Because that sounds just like my step dad's family! All of his siblings have adhd/autistic behavior, but only half of them are diagnosed with ADHD and they still think autism means "Dustin Hoffman on Rain Man".
One of his brothers is like an actor on an over-the-top, low-budget educational video on adult ADHD behavior. Even vaguely hinting he might have ADHD results in great offense.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
The last year I've started wondering if at least a couple are autistic as well. The ADHD is amazingly obvious, and of course those are often co-morbid.
We'll never know, because they'll never allow themselves to be assessed. They are "normal", the other 90% of the world is weird or abnormal (they've almost literally said that).
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u/FreeEnki Partner of NDX 8d ago
When I visit my in-laws I just peace out to bed at like 9pm. I don’t go straight to sleep, but I need the decompressing time. I actually really like them (because I don’t have to live with them, and because they don’t ALL have ADHD; MIL doesn’t, it’s his dad’s side)
What’s funny is that I’ve just found out his brother’s wife (they live in another country and we’ve never visited the family at the same time) also has a mysteriously early bedtime 😆
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u/Upstairs_Bell7502 Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
Sounds like a nightmare. My wife’s sister would throw birthday parties for her young kids, always starts at 3pm. A reasonable kids birthday party would last, what, 3 hours max? Well, dinner would inevitably come out around 7pm and around 9 we’re begging them to do the cake so we can get the hell out. We just started showing up at 6 or 630. None of her family is diagnosed or medicated for ADHD, btw.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
Remarkably, my wife's sister did exactly the same thing. And the meal would be late, the kids would be exhausted and ready to cry (or actually crying) and she would angrily refuse snacks because she "didn't want to spoil their appetite."
Because she kept insisting the meal was "almost ready". And kept at it for at least an hour, often two. Wish I'd understood then about zero time-sense and other ADHD weirdnesses.
I took to wearing a hoodie with deep pockets and loading them with reasonable snacks to pass around when she was out of the room.
Did your SIL have to carefully make the entire room read each card before moving on to the next present? This one did/does. Basically a masterclass in tormenting kids. And adults, I guess.
Her now-adult kids are low-contact for some reason. 🤷♂️
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u/nightstoolong Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
It’s so funny [insane] to watch the family that’s the root cause of the ADHD when they get all together. My husband’s parents both have it; I’m sure most of his aunts/uncles have it. Every single one of them is divorced at least once, some of them 2+ times.
My husband said to me this week after ANOTHER last-minute family gathering that he “actually appreciates” my side of the family for planning things more than a couple days in advance lol.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
This behavior is so familiar and infuriating to me (mine doesn't cook, but it's the same dawdling and repeat stories and interminable goodbyes, followed by no accountability) that I felt my teeth clench while reading it. Doing anything means sitting through at least an hour of selfish, inexplicable dawdling first.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 5d ago
Since I've had lots of time to observe it, I've sort of concluded that, because the whole bunch spends the whole time self-absorbed and monologuing at each other, they never make any kind of emotional connection.
And ADHD or not, they crave that too. So they are reluctant to leave, because they still haven't connected, so they try imposing themselves on each other even harder in an attempt to connect.
I think they confuse length of time with quality, too. So if hanging out for an hour is good, twelve hours must be better, right?
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u/Bridgelogs Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
I'm fucking tired of begging to be wanted, begging to be loved, to be shown affection.
I'm tired of being attacked, screamed, sworn and yelled at. I'm tired of crying as soon as someone does show they want me and love me. I'm tired of begging for a compliment, being told 'you don't even try to be sexy' by a man who can't even wash himself.
I'm tired of doing everything, literally everything and celebrating the tiniest bit of basic decency I get back. I'm tired of him controlling me, what I eat, how I act.
I'm tired of him expecting me to move on immediately when he unleashes his RSD abuse to me.
I'm tired of being called childish and immature by someone who can't make an appointment. I'm tired of being underestimated and treated like I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm really really tired.
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u/dietcolaplease 7d ago
I see you, I hear you. Sending hugs & strength, and hope that you escape this abuse 🤍
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u/rubythroated_sparrow Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
All I wanted was a fun trip to Spirit Halloween to pick out our son’s first Halloween costume. I don’t even care that much what the costume is, I just wanted the experience. He pouted the whole time and had to ruin yet another experience for me.
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u/Eschscholzia_ca 7d ago edited 6d ago
It’s not gonna get better. Every celebration ever since we have a kid has been the same old shit. Starts with “you don’t do enough”. When I finally decided to do something, it’s “you spent too much money. This is too much!”. Barely lift a finger for the manual labor. Just more complained and opinions that no one ask for.
For one of the Christmas Eve we have to host, I bought new plate sets and cute glasses for the table. He kept saying no one gives a shit. Followed by, “this is the wrong glass for wines! The lip is too thick!” Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t realize we’re hosting sommeliers. It was an improvement from the damn plastic cup!!!!! For fuck sake.
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u/Grass-is-dead 7d ago
My husband doesn't understand that theres certain things that ARNT optional. Things that will get worse if theyre not taken care of. And if he doesn't do it, then its basically making me do it. Im physically disabled and there's a lot of things I cant do. I've accepted that I'll take on more mental labor, as he does more physical labor.
We had a box of kitty litter break on the porch. He said he would clean it up. which he kind of did. He scooped it directly into the outdoor trashcan. Which means the trash people arnt going to take it. So its just been sitting there for 2 weeks, mixing rain water in with the 40# of cat litter. Its an ugly scene and I finally just lost it and told him he needed to deal with it now. I always feel like such a bitch.
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 5d ago
Mine has done her usual leave-the-brand-new-garden-tool-out-all-winter. The fall weather is here, it's sitting in the middle of the lawn, rusting. I used to bring them in, but I've stopped. I'm curious if she'll ever notice, or will once again be astonished in April that her new garden tool is completely ruined.
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u/DukeDorkWit Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
Taking care of a pet isn't optional. Calling the vet when something goes wrong is not optional. You wanted the fucking animal, it's your childhood pet, and I'm the one who has to force you to call and make an appointment, because it's in your name and I literally cannot because you keep forgetting to update the details, another thing I cannot do.
It's genuinely terrifying watching someone who proclaims to love an animal act like they don't give a shit about them. I'm appalled, really. I lost by pet last year and I had no control over it, she knows this, and knows that I get distressed watching the poor animal struggle.
Then I realise that the reason the animal loves me so much, and the reason why I relate to him, is because we're in the same boat. Someone with no sense of urgency for anyone else, who'll mistreat the things she claims to love, who has zero awareness of the suffering of others they directly contribute to, is on our lives, and there are times when I feel like I can't leave them because that animal would be dead in 6 months or less if I wasn't there.
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u/Thats_My_Daisy Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
God the pets too. It’s bad enough with the kids but the pets… she has a snake. When we moved in together we agreed to put the snake’s tank in the office. I’m not afraid of snakes but they wouldn’t be my pet of choice and I don’t really want to be its primary caretaker. Well she never goes in the office so the snake is out of sight and out of mind so I’m the one constantly reminding her to check on it, check its water, stop and get a rat for it, clean its shed, etc…
We move the snake to our room (not my preference but I want to make sure it’s taken care of) so that she sees it every day. Guess who’s still checking on it, refilling its water, has a reminder on HIS phone to REMIND HER to check on it…
Hang in there (mentally) for your sake and the poor pet
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u/throwaway713137689 Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago
Thanks for going to the store with me after I talked you into it based on your need to "spend quality time with me". You did not acknowledging a word I said for nearly the entire time. Your definition(s) of quality time consist of sitting next to me in the same room with your headphones on (thank god) watching a video, monologing at me, or dragging me along to be present for a hobby of yours that I don't care for and is SUPER niche - but oh, you can't do that hobby unless you have "support" around to give you a dopamine high lmao. You could literally go out and do it any time you wanted, but it's never the "right" time, and every single time that you manage to bring yourself to actually do it, you ruin your own experience by breaking something. Every. Single. Time. Oh, and if I don't spend your version of "quality" time with you, you get angry as if it even matters 😂
Tldr: dude wants captive audience for his successes AND fuckups.
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u/Empty-Importance-398 7d ago
I feel this. OMG, the I don't want to ever spend time with him... the time doesn't count unless it is something he likes/wants to do which all involve lots of sitting and being talked at, sitting and watching something he likes with it getting paused over and over and over to tell me some random thing that popped in his head, sitting and being shown meme, sitting and watching him play a video games, and sitting and snuggling and being felt up.
Nothing else counts, NOTHING. I am sick of it. He gets mad at me for actually getting off my ass and doing projects which he never offers to help with and is completely incapable of planning. When I have to hire out, he doesn't help with that at all and only makes things worse when there is an issue. He gets mad at me for spending time organizing; it is great that you don't mind climbing over things to get to a car but I do and will not tolerate it. I share so little of my goings on, grey rock when I can tell he wants to pick a fight, and it has led to fewer fights. What a great relationship! Why would I not be receptive to being felt up I wonder? Maybe because you don't seem to like anything about me except feeling me up?
I am realizing that I keep myself too busy to not have to sit and sit and sit and be talked at, talked at, talked at. How did I get here? The last year+ of working on myself have been very enlightening and the problems I have been contributing to in the relationship. However, I am improving but it is never enough. I want a relationship where I am actually liked... I don't feel liked. How could I after being told over and over I ruined his life and that I am a really horrible person while having been called some nasty names? How can you claim to love someone when you call them horrible names?
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u/Independent_Law_1921 7d ago edited 7d ago
Oh, the captive audience is such a real thing. To them it’s a captive audience to you…It’s a inescapable hostage situation. If you try to leave, they get mad and then the RSD kicks in. One thing that has actually worked for me It’s a little sneaky, but I’ve been purchasing things like Bena fiber things that have fiber, I’ll buy prune juice, dried plums anything that screams staying regular. And then I’ll eat or drink it right in front of them … when they start the monologue …Five minutes into the monologue suddenly I’ve got to go, now you’ve got to be descriptive during this part, if you just politely tell them, you’ve got to use the restroom he’ll follow me but if I say oh dude I have got to take the most massive shit or diarrhea, the squirts, the more graphic, the better. “I’m gonna be a minute”… make sure you turn the fan on make a few noises if you can …At this point in our relationship I don’t really give a shit if he doesn’t see me as sexy wife material I don’t care. I’ll be as gross as necessary. I’ve got some books stashed in the cupboard and I start reading and then I stay in there reading for about 15-30 minutes. I bought a nice soft rug and we have a pretty good size bathroom so I just lay on my rug and read ….and by the time I come out, he’s forgotten all about it. He’s moved on… video game or whatever else he’s got going on. And I’ve managed to read a few books over the months I’ve been doing this. 😝 the key point is you’ve got to trick them. It’s no different than trying to get your toddler to eat broccoli smoke, and mirrors and trickery, always be one step ahead. Use their distractibility to your advantage. Sometimes I’ll turn the tables on him, and I’ll start acting like I’ve got ADHD. They want to talk to me on the phone. Oh shit someone’s beeping and I gotta take this call, I literally act distracted, interrupt, change, the subject do everything that they always do to me. Being polite doesn’t work. I’d like to know what other tips and tricks we can think of so that everybody gets what they want and doesn’t feel stuck
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u/TAFKATheBear Ex of DX 7d ago
Sometimes I’ll turn the tables on him, and I’ll start acting like I’ve got ADHD.
It's really interesting that yes, this can work (as an immediate-term fix, anyway). I would have expected it to always make things worse.
I assume I can't link it, but there was an interesting thread on one of the neglect/abuse support subs recently about having parents who monologue. And people on there described a few kinds of resistance they'd engaged in, including outright retaliation; aggressively monologuing back over the phone and hanging up as soon as they'd finished. Mostly there were no negative consequences.
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u/Independent_Law_1921 7d ago edited 7d ago
You’ve got to do it very subtly and innocently. I have found that to work the best but I’ll tell you that bathroom trick is a lifesaver if you’re trying to get out of a monologue, they are not gonna come anywhere near the bathroom if you tell them that you’ve got explosive diarrhea. 😂 I also use work as a good excuse to get out of a lot of stuff.. I work at home and my partner thinks I’m a damn workaholic cause I’m always running up and checking on my computer. You can’t argue with making money. 💰 I also use their need for 12 hours of sleep to my advantage. That’s the time I keep to myself for yoga meditation brunch after being with a person for so long you get really good at figuring out how to work around things you wanna sleep all day great I’m heading to the park but don’t tell them I just basically do my thing leave them alone. Don’t center them around my life. I’ve also changed my attitude about the messes. I timed one morning. How much time does it really take to pick up this mess less than five minutes OK if we get into an argument about the messes and he starts breaking my dishes I’ll sacrifice the five minutes of my time and I just get really good at gathering it all up and shoving in the garbage can every stinking morning better than having all my cups broken,😡
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u/Technical-Dress-2116 7d ago
He's leaving me. Which is a bit rich, but I can't even be mad. I am just so SO relieved that it's over.
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u/Fritzy2361 Partner of NDX 7d ago
I’m convinced that my easiest way out is to just torpedo the relationship.
I’m not getting out in a civilized conversation- just like everything else, I need to make breaking up her idea.
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u/Dazzling_Cricket8218 7d ago
May I inquire to his reasoning behind leaving you?
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u/Technical-Dress-2116 7d ago
So, we had a big conversation in January about how our relationship has to change. I've been the only income earner for the past ten years, he has never had to pay rent or bills, I do all the parenting of our child and I cook all the meals. I organise all our trips (we live in a different country from our families) It was just too much. So I told him things had to change. In classic ADHD fashion, he made a lot of promises but didn't deliver on anything. On Saturday I said that nothing has changed since January, and he took offence because he's "been trying so hard". And that apparently was the last straw for him.
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u/Many_Advance_9609 Partner of DX - Medicated 6d ago
"been trying so hard"
They seem to equate feeling guilty/thinking about things with actual effort. Mine does the same thing. On the rare occasions when I've asked "How, specifically, are you trying? What actionable steps have you taken?" he's always got nothing. They think they deserve a round of applause for thinking about making changes even when the changes don't actually come to fruition.
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u/Technical-Dress-2116 6d ago
Yep, exactly that. "Trying so hard" = I have felt said for 10 months because you asked me to do something.
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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 5d ago
Same here. "I've been trying so hard to make our relationship better/I make ALL THE EFFORT", but somehow can't name any actionable things behind "all the effort" he's allegedly doing.
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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
Sorry to hear that. In their minds, they have done loads but in reality it is nothing and then they get defensive
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u/motamami Ex of DX 6d ago
Send me luck and support. I’m telling him tonight that I want to separate. I am so fucking sad man
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u/kriskross4923 5d ago
you got this, mine took it so much better than I thought he would. Just stay firm and let him know theres nothing he can do different at this point.
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u/Ancient_Sun9785 Partner of NDX 7d ago
I just want him to shut up!!! I'm tired of getting a lecture every day on topics I never asked about. I don't f*cking care!! Or he has to talk about himself and "oh I'm so like this, and I like this, and I'm really good at that" We're visiting my family this week, and it feels like he needs to get the attention constantly on him. I can see my family is tired of him talking and I feel very embarrassed. I can absolutely never ask him to stop talking or OMG I'd have the biggest RSD blowout. I have tried to gently say before that now isn't a good time, I'm tired, etc, but he gets offended and he still needs to finish what he wanted to say. I could probably tolerate this way more if on the other hand he could listen to me. But that's an absolute no no. He gets frustrated if I don't get to the point quickly, or he just simply doesn't listen. He doesn't even notice when I stop what I was saying in the middle of a story for example. But hey, apparently that's what makes him him and that he shouldn't be changing for other people....
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8d ago
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u/Thats_My_Daisy Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
“I love her. But I hate our life.” This sums it up so well. It may as well be the title of my autobiography at this point
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u/Any-Scallion8388 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
It’s my fault for having standards. It’s my fault that taxes are due and I need some documents…it’s not the governments fault, they don’t care, clearly it’s me demanding these simple documents to torture her!
OMG I feel that so much. That's exactly the attitude mine has towards tax stuff and bills, other pragmatic things. Then she complains that I'm "overly focused on logistical stuff". Yes, and if I wasn't, we'd be living in a cardboard box on the street.
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u/Sorry_Beat593 Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
Quick vent here. I am NT and my husband (DX/RX) has been medicated for about a year. Knowing about his diagnosis has made it easier to understand some aspects of his frustrating behavior, but things are still hard for me and I debate leaving. One thing that makes me crazy is that he’s asked for me to identify and point out behaviors that are disruptive or undesirable (m not sure but I think his communication coach, who is also ND, told him to do that). But, in addition to this “alert duty” causing me even more emotional labor, every time I gently remind him, for example, “could you please pick up the bath mat after you shower” it results in a torrent of defensive bullshit: “I was GOING TO do it! I just gotta do THIS first!! I thought you wanted me to leave it down for you!! I’m holding all this stuff and it was too much for me to pick it up!!!” and a dazzling array of other excuses.
I honestly astounds me how this man, who lacks the smallest spark of creativity, can come up with a seeming endless stream of excuses on the spot.
Thanks for the place to vent. We’re in a small hotel room together for the week and he’s so blindly inconsiderate.
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u/glasses_tinklin 7d ago
I just talked to my SO about this yesterday, among other things... the torrent of excuses and justifications when anything, no matter how small, is pointed out. It makes it seem like their brain has one goal - avoid accountability at all costs - and any and every excuse gets thrown at the wall to see which one sticks.
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u/shrapnella Partner of DX - Untreated 6d ago
Good grief my husband is the same way. He wants me to tell him what's bothering me but then it's an argument about it.
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u/Hijacked_0339 Partner of DX - Medicated 5d ago
Oh my godddddd, I'm in the same boat and it sucks! I'm so sorry you're stuck in a small space with him this week. I hope you're able to get out for a breather alone sometimes <3
My partner is the same way. I think of it as change level #1. They are aware they struggle with things and ask me to share reflections on things they could work on, but ANY correction, big or small, will be met with a justification or adjustment that ensures they are correct/right/knew it the whole time. It drives me insane and makes me want to not talk to them at all tbh...
I honestly astounds me how this man, who lacks the smallest spark of creativity, can come up with a seeming endless stream of excuses on the spot.
Astounding. My partner will forget that basic tools (I'm talking spoons or forks) exist or that they can make incredibly minor adjustments to make something better, but will ALWAYS have a rebuttal for a slight correction to something they've said or done.
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u/letter420elise 5d ago
i broke up with him tonight
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u/letter420elise 5d ago
waves of relief then regret then anger then shock then laughing at it all. it doesn’t feel real. i can’t imagine actually being away from him but it hurts too much anymore
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
You’re not mad at me, you’re mad that you feel uncomfortable about a choice you’ll have to make and it’s easier to externalize that discomfort on to me.
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u/motamami Ex of DX 4d ago
I did it!!!! First step towards freedom. This sub helped me realize that ADHD does create real difficulties with time management etc but if someone isn’t doing the work to develop systems to manage their responsibilities as a partner then you gotta let them go.
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u/_EasilyImpressed Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago edited 8d ago
We had to meet with her dad and her aunts today. Her dad was showing his sisters around and we thought it'd be fun to join.The meet up place was at a school's parking lot, but she drove to the wrong school and instead of just driving to the other school after realizing her mistake, she decided to walk there and leave the car where we parked. My shoes were kinda hurting, so I walked slowly behind her and her dog, but the dog just kept looking back at me and holding her back. She said I was confusing her dog. Didn't care to ask me if I was doing okay or anything.
She didn't wait for me and kept pulling her dog. I wasn't even very behind, I got there literally ten seconds after she did. It just felt like she didn't want to wait for me. That got me a little upset, but I didn't want to ruin the vibe for her aunts, so I just tagged along and stayed quiet for most of it. After we were done, we parted ways with them. She wanted to do an extra lap around the place and at the end of it she asked me what I thought of it.
The place was fancy and expensive, not really my thing. It was cool to look at things, but overall I just didn't feel like it was my kind of place. I answered that "it was a'ight" and was about to say why, but she immediately took that not as my honest answer, but as me being rude and took off with the dog. On the way back to the car, she rushed in front of me again and didn't want to wait. This time she was running with her dog way ahead and I almost lost them several times. I don't know the area and didn't look in maps to see where we parked.
She didn't go back to the car, she went to an area behind the parking lot to play with her dog and I kept waiting by the car at a bench until she came over. On the drive back home not a single word. This is not the first time that stuff like this happened. I try to help and ask questions, but she just seems to get upset at me for asking or trying to understand better what works for her and what doesn't. I don't know what to do.
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u/DukeDorkWit Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
That's an abusive relationship, has very little to do with ADHD I'm afraid. She doesn't consider your feelings, gets immaturely angry when you don't react the way she wants, punishes you like a sociopath in multiple ways...run a mile,nothing you do will ever be enough.
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u/taohuaspring 7d ago
I'm sorry you experienced such an distressing experience. The threat of abandonment and car-related incidents can be indicators of emotional abuse. In this case, her punishing you by making you keep up with her so that you don't get lost all alone in an unknown place and making you uncertain as to whether you'd even make it home or not is 100% NOT okay.
Are you able to drive separately to places, or can you at least have access to Uber to get yourself out of these potentially risky car-related situations?
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u/bubblingbrownsugar Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
This feels like a humiliation ritual. For him and for me.
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u/StrawberryPunk82 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
I just cut 6" off my hair, and so far, he hasn't noticed. After two hours of face-to-face interaction, I think it's safe to say he never will. I'm not even sad about it. I just genuinely cannot imagine being so unaware of someone that I wouldn't notice such a significant change in their appearance, especially when that someone is the person I share my life with.
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u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq 7d ago
I hear ya. I bobbed my hair and lost a good six inches off it, and it took three days for him to notice. When i asked why it took so long, he said, "I thought you had it in a ponytail."
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u/weezyfebreezy Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
My partner blatantly lied in front of our friend the other day and I don’t think they even realized they were doing it. We were talking about cooking and the endless cycle of doing dishes. I am primarily the one who cooks our food (and now plans the majority of our meals), does the dishes, cleans the kitchen, and empties the dishwasher. Like 95% of the time. Maybe one time a month they will cook, but it’s never something they plan on doing voluntarily. I have to ask or they will offer if I blatantly state I don’t want to cook for a day or two. They told our friend, “Oh I make sure I’m washing my dishes as I go while cleaning and I always put my dishes in the dishwasher. I don’t let them sit in the sink.” I know this is blatantly false, because the dishwasher only gets emptied if I do it, and if the dishwasher is clean but needs to be emptied, they don’t bother making the time to do it and instead will just pile their dishes into the sink. I was flabbergasted that they had such a mental image of themself always doing something that they rarely if ever do. When I heard it, I gave my friend this doubtful stare like…I need you to understand that this is not the reality. I hadn’t considered it before (naive of me maybe) but now I can only imagine what they’re confabulating to other people when I’m not around.
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u/Hijacked_0339 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
My partner does this a ton in front of both strangers and friends, saying whatever they want to be true about themself or whatever sounds “correct” or “good”
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 3d ago
Mine does this. It’s exhausting to keep up with remembering what they’ve told people and keeping a straight face when someone relays something I know is blatantly incorrect. It’s like they say what they wish were the case or what they think will make people think they’re a good person.
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u/Xcat1987 3d ago
Sleeping in the spare room this week under the guise of the bed in there being more comfortable for my back. It is, but that’s not entirely the reason. I just want to be left the fuck alone and get a solid 7-8hrs of sleep a night without the snoring, restless legs, mumbling, rolling around that they do. But I don’t want to deal with the RSD meltdown of being honest about that being the reason.
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u/thr0w-away12345 Partner of DX - Medicated 8d ago
I can’t get rest while sick because then he thinks he can rest(?) and not do any of the few things he actually is supposed to do around the house, much less self regulate enough to help with the kids. So I’m sick for weeks instead of days because I can’t rest. But if I say I need help I get told it’s my fault(?) and if he tried it would just be wrong anyway(?) and now I’m in hour 48 of an RSD spiral meaning a truly miserable weekend.
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u/palimpsestt Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
I just got back from a weekend away to visit my sister to celebrate her birthday. she lives 6 hours away, is married, just bought a house and has a toddler. I know comparison is the thief of joy but seeing her life brought up a lot of feelings for me.
I thought I’d be married by now or at least engaged. I thought we would have a house by now. we have been together for almost 6 years. and we are still in an apartment. we aren’t rich, but we aren’t scraping by… combined we make about 140k a year. why hasn’t he bought me a ring yet? or for that matter, why has he NEVER bought me a piece of jewelry… ever?
I called him when I was on my way home and asked if there was any food in the fridge for when I came home. I didn’t ask him to cook for me. he suggested making chili and I was so excited! finally, after driving for over 6 hours, I get home and IMMEDIATELY before I’ve even come upstairs, the house is full of smoke, I can barely breathe and he’s asking me where the hot sauce is. I ignore him. I think, maybe he’s just thinking out loud. he asks again and I ignore him because, wtf, you can find it yourself, I don’t need to do that for you. I go to use the bathroom and he’s yelling at me outside the bathroom about the damn hot sauce. I say I’m not sure I just got home and I wasn’t the last one to use it. he then blames me that the food is burning now because I’m playing games and won’t tell him where the hot sauce is. I’m like …. I don’t know what any of that has to do with me. I literally just got home. How is this my fault?
I start unpacking and getting ready to shower. I go to get a glass of water and notice he found what he needed. he starts to say he’s sorry and tries to explain and talk over me and I say, “(Name), before you ask me a question after I get home from driving for almost 7 hours, you need to self regulate. You need to learn how to self regulate. It is not my responsibility to do that for you.” I go to shower and cry my eyes out.
I shower and start to get dressed with the bedroom door shut. he starts trying to come in the room. I’m pissed off and say, “(Name), if the door is shut and it’s not urgent, do not come in. You should have learned that by the time you were like, a preteen.” (side note I do have privacy / body image issues, this has been a constant conversation we’ve had over the years that if the door is shut I don’t want him to come in, and if he does need me he should knock first. Because apparently this isn’t second nature to him.)
Once I’ve calmed down, I tell him something needs to change because I am not happy. I tell him explicitly this is not working for me and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this because the dynamic is not healthy for either of us.
The thought of leaving him makes me so sad because we have been through so much together, and I truly believe we do care for each other. But I’ve waited so long for him to do the things he said he would do. How much longer am I supposed to wait?
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u/cofoc20263 5d ago
she wanted to spend money on shower bags for bathing the cats to help with my allergies. I pointed out that just vacuuming -- the thing I've spent half our marriage asking her to do -- would be much less effort. she tried to kill herself by overdose a few hours later.
it's been six weeks. I'm trying to figure out how long I have to wait before I can bring it up again.
I'm exhausted.
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
You come home and slam things on to the counter and I leave you alone.
Then you tell me later you told me something when you walked in the door. You did not.
Now I am wondering, how many conversations did you have in your head with me?
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u/Superb-Pirate-6634 8d ago
I (F34) have been with my boyfriend (44) for 4 years. We moved in together just 2 months ago, and I am already completely exhausted. Ever since we moved in, everything has become drama. Everything bothers him, and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. If I don't micromanage every tiny detail and stay hypervigilant 24/7, things inevitably blow up into a massive fight. The double standards are driving me insane. He never makes the bed, leaves messes everywhere, and doesn't mind living in utter filth. Yet, if I dare grab a bite of food with my hands, he gives me a full condescending lecture about hygiene, germs, and bacteria. He acts like a health inspector toward me, but he’s totally blind to the fact that he's a complete slob. If I don't clean, do the laundry, or organize the apartment, he will literally sit there and do nothing. On top of that, there's the dog situation. I can tell he resents my dogs, but at the same time, he gets visibly annoyed and jealous because his own dog prefers hanging out with me instead of him. Financially, he is a disaster. He has zero impulse control, wastes his money on stupid crap he doesn't need, and constantly wants to play the "big spender" in front of everyone else. He insists on buying drinks or treating people just to maintain this facade of being the generous, amazing guy to the outside world. Then, when he inevitably runs out of money for his own basic necessities, guess who has to bail him out? Me. I am sick and tired of having to spend my hard-earned money covering his reckless financial habits. I wake up every single day thinking that I don't want to be with him anymore. The problem is, we signed an expensive one-year lease on this apartment, and I feel completely trapped by the financial penalty of breaking it. I just feel drained, resentful, and like I made a huge mistake moving in with someone who is completely different behind closed doors.
TL;DR: Moved in with my partner of 4 years 2 months ago. He is dirty, hypocritical, resents my pets, and blows his money trying to look generous to strangers while leaving me to cover his basic bills. I want out, but we just signed an expensive 1-year lease and I feel stuck.
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u/taohuaspring 7d ago
I think you will feel incredibly validated by the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free on Internet archive). That being said, a one year lease is not a lease on your whole life. Is it possible for you to start quietly getting your ducks in order just in case you move towards living separately or leaving the relationship sometime in the future? Sending strength
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u/OnlyPaperListens Partner of DX - Untreated 5d ago
He crashed my Teams meeting to tell me that he had called a contractor (for some needed household maintenance) and they were going to call him back within 24 hours. When I questioned why he thought that was worth interrupting my work day, I got "Well you always want to know what's going on." He specifically pointed out that he tried to call me, but I never answer. Yeah, because I'm DOING MY JOB. That doesn't mean you can bust through my office door like the Kool-Aid man.
J-MFing-C. Is it worse to do everything myself, or is it worse to have to cheer him on for lifting a finger at every step of the way? It's like a mother gassing up her toddler to jump off a diving board.
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u/Square-Regular-7365 4d ago
He just word vomits and says inappropriate things. Been together for a little over a year and we had a pregnancy scare a few months ago. Immediately before I could voice my opinion he goes "we're aborting right? I mean I like you but..." it gave off like he was going to say "I like you but not enough to have a baby with you." Fair enough I didnt want to be pregnant but at least be sensitive and supportive...
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u/ProfessionSpare4631 3d ago
My partner keeps telling me how amazing it would be to have kids together. But I already feel like I already have one. How am I supposed to rely on a person who keeps forgetting to pay me back his half for vacation or other important stuff? I always pay things ahead, we agree on it but he never pays it back unless I remind him xy times even though I tell him multiple times I need the money. He keeps talking about our bright future and how things will be amazing. And when I say I don’t feel well in our relationship he starts saying that I just need to heal and it takes time (it was he who emotionally hurt me many times). And that we had this and that nice moment so everything goes well. Sometimes I jist feel trapped.
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u/dangerboos 3d ago
Today my partner of 4 years told me it was my fault that she didn’t want to have sex with me because I was always complaining, nagging, “talking shit” about her. This was immediately after she blew up on me about paying her part of the mortgage. For context, she has a kid from previous marriage. I’ve been a stepparent for years. I bought a house for her and her kid in the school district she wanted and committed to more than I needed, for her. She makes very good money and I pay my fair share of things and beyond my obligations. She said it wasn’t fair that she has to pay half of the mortgage…again, more than half of the house is occupied by her and stepson. On top of that, she’s always picking at my appearance or making hurtful comments. Today she was annoyed because I was literally chewing gum. I’m done. Just done.
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u/SoleInvictus DX/DX 8d ago edited 7d ago
I'm about at the end of my rope. My wife and I have been together for well over a decade. Recently, we separated for a time and I regrew my standards, boundaries, and spine. I've moved back into the house but things aren't great.
My wife has been out of the country for the last 2 weeks. We've talked twice, each after I had been asking to for days. One was watching her pack with little conversation, and the second was all about her, her showing little interest in me, what I've been doing, or how I've been. She recognized this at the end of the call and promised that we would have another call focused on me. That was 5 days ago.
She has promised daily that she would schedule a time but never did, instead saying she might call me at certain times. I waited during those times but it never happened, so I told her yesterday her falling through her was hurting me, so I wasn't waiting anymore. I asked her to commit to a time. No time was chosen. It's now midnight where she's at and tomorrow is her last day there. I've accepted she's not going to put in any effort to make that call.
This isn't abnormal. I follow through on my end of working to be a good spouse and provide the things she wants, then she makes empty promises about how my turn will be coming up soon. Any day now, just after the latest in an endless string of flimsy excuses about why it hasn't been possible and still won't be today, tomorrow, or the next.
At least I see the cycle for what it is now and know that it's not going to change, but I just don't know what to do with all of the anger and resentment, not just with her for how she's treating me, but with myself for ever thinking she would even try to do better.
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u/fleetingsparrow92 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
Ive been spending all day out while my partner moves out of our home. I only got 3 hours of sleep because guess who was packing, banging, and cleaning at 3am? And then complained they only got two hours of sleep? Ive been out of my home since 630am and watched the sunrise, and still have to stay away because they are taking so long and want to come back tomorrow 🫠 I refuse to help with this move and therefore I am being "hostile". Their friend suggested i help pay for the uhaul... I havent asked for rent for the 11 days they stayed past the first. Or mentioned that I have paid for every uhaul, first and last months rent, and cost for over a decade.
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u/AussieRosie Ex of DX 7d ago
Congrats on being free! The audacity to keep asking for more after an entire relationship of them taking and taking without giving anything back 🙄
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u/ace_rimmer1049 Partner of DX - Untreated 6d ago
Having my first night away from DX wife and kids in over a year (a treat to myself as I'm coming to an end of a period of garden leave from work and about to start a new job). I do the majority of household chores, whether in work or not, and I've basically spent the summer as a SAHD, to 2 kids, or 3 when she's most disregulated..
She's salty as hell about the time off I've had, resents the absolute bare minimum parenting she still has to do (while projecting herself mum of the year to the wider world) and her 3 days a week part time job. Can't possibly be happy for me that I've actually had some time to meet my own needs for once.
This night away has really p'd her off, despite the fact she has had multiple nights away 'to rest' over the past year, either at her mum's or spa hotels. So now she's arranged a night away the following week "if you get one I get one too".
It's literally like being married to a teenager.
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u/Tulips111 4d ago
I’m stuck in this relationship because of our baby, and I’m literally about to have a mental breakdown. The advice I constantly get is just leave, she can’t grow up like this! I agree, but he is so neglectful that I am truly worried for her safety. Things got 100% worse once she was born.
She is 9 months old, and I had to baby proof the whole house as he never got around to it. He has left his knives from work and THC vapes within her reach. All he does is stare at his phone to the point of literally ignoring her. There have been times that she has put choking hazards (bottle cap, coins) in her mouth while he’s sitting right there and doesn’t notice until I return to the room. He drives under the influence of marijuana and gets so high that I don’t let my daughter ride with him in the car. Let’s not forget the way he talks to people and yells. I would go as far as saying he’s emotionally abusive. And then I won’t be there for my daughter to mitigate the situation for her. I don’t trust the courts at all.
I don’t know how to survive this.
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u/taohuaspring 4d ago
Just wanted to share some points from Pete Walker's Human Bill of Rights that really resonate with me during my healing journey:
- I have the right to be treated with respect.
- I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.
- I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else's problems.
- I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone's bad behavior.
- I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.
- I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.
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u/thatonetransanonguy Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
I wish I never agreed to getting a puppy with him. It does make him happier, which is the biggest reason I agreed to getting a dog. But man if it isn't annoying as hell he has absolutely no routine or scheduling with our pup. He misses a meal at least once a week cause he forgets and I am already asleep. He gets mad the dog bites him, while doing the same behaviors that makes the dog bite in the first place. He wants to train the dog and likes how well I've trained him when he is alone with me, but does he want to put the effort in too? No.
On top of that the dog needs more supplies and I hate needing to be the reminder of that constantly when I have my own shit to remember. He doesn't feel mature enough to take care of himself, im not sure why I stupidly thought adding another pet to the mix would make anything better.
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u/Ok-Nefariousness-609 Partner of DX - Medicated 6d ago
My bf and I were on a roadtrip and he randomly asked me to take photos for his friend that he met on a study abroad trip. He told me they had sent each other interesting photos of his life recently. I noticed that he was weirdly using they/them pronouns for this friend, so I purposefully referred to the friend with he/him pronouns, and he promptly corrected me with she/her.
It really rubbed me the wrong way. I only get to see you once a week, and 99% of the time I have to ask you to facetime once a week. When he was studying abroad, he kept forgetting that we scheduled a facetime and I went 10+ days without it. He also never sent me interesting photos of his daily life there, and only sent me stuff about landmarks he saw a couple of times. Now I still have to practically remind him I exist... and now you're asking me to help you give attention to the friend you hid the gender of?! I brought this up to him and he apologized and kinda brushed it off.
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u/replyallyall 5d ago
His ADHD is not a pass to be an awful person. He's showing you exactly who he is. Believe it and walk away. He doesn't respect you. Stop letting him disrespect you. You shouldn't need to ask for attention from your partner.
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u/Spare_Awareness_5238 5d ago
Your family has been using your name as a verb to describe a situation where you have to have things your way and how bad at communication you are.
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u/tcar16 Partner of DX - Untreated 2d ago
My husband does not hear or listen to anything I say unless I say the words "I want to have sex". And every time I call his behavior out and tell him I feel unheard and like he's not listening to me, he makes excuses and says "It's my ADHD". He also NEVER apologizes.
He meal preps his breakfast so I made breakfast for myself this morning. He comes into the kitchen after I ate and I say "I made breakfast." Two minutes later I go back to our bedroom, he comes in, and asks "Do you want eggs?"
He then offered to help me with baking our sourdough bread today. I told him to please put the oven temp to 425, leave the Dutch oven lid on, and bake it for 15 minutes. He takes the lid off and puts the timer on for 20 minutes.
It sounds so stupid, but this is my life every single day. He can't keep track of anything, loses things, and then gets upset whenever I get frustrated.
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u/thefaderbuckitt 7d ago
My wife is in the middle of AuDHD burnout out and asking for a divorce. I saw the pattern coming in advance, but it still is incredibly destabilizing. This cycle though we have a young child and I’m madder than ever that I need to be the stable one while she drops out of life for a while to figure it out. Single parenting with a toddler and a full time demanding job is no joke. Added with the stress of worrying about her mental health, I feel like I’m just going to implode.
I just wish she would finally accept that she isn’t just a “little” hyper active and needs to put some extra effort into being happy that has nothing to do with anyone else but herself. She tries so hard to be neurotypical and ends up going down in flames along with everyone who loves and supports her. There are so many layers to why she thinks and acts the way she does that has nothing to do with me, but I am the easiest thing to discard when life gets tough. Tapping out might feel good in the moment, but it’s because she has no responsibilities or expectations. Then she is “free to be herself”. Life will come back quickly enough and without strategies in place and acceptance, this going to happen over and over again no matter who she is with.
If we can’t figure this one out, good luck with finding someone this patient and committed to her success.
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 6d ago
I love your family but I hate who you become when you hang out with them, and you invited all of them to come to a show with you. You drank so much and masked that you were drunk with them, and then you came home and the mask fell off and you started screaming at me even though I did nothing. Both of your parents have struggled with alcoholism but you somehow have convinced yourself you’re immune to it.
It’s hard for me because I still struggle with attachment issues but I’m going to sleep on the couch with the dogs tonight. I don’t want to be next to you right now even though my abandonment issues are screaming I should be trying to placate you.
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u/taohuaspring 6d ago
Honestly my heart breaks for you when I hear how he treats you. 💔But I'm really proud of you for staying strong, not comforting him, and taking space from him after he verbally abused you. You chose yourself, and that was very courageous of you.
He has a choice in how he he treats you, no matter who he's around or how drunk he is. There is no excuse or justification for abuse.
Hugs
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u/BeneficialRegret7575 5d ago
Any time I express that I'm hurt or upset about something, my partner (32M,DX/RX) says "But other people wouldn't get upset about this". I don't want to go into too much detail about specific cases, but it's usually when I mention something about relationship things (not initiating enough, for example). When he says this, it makes me feel like he's comparing me to his ex, even though she was apparently toxic and a cheater. I asked him before "Are you making assumptions about people in general or are you basing this on your direct experiences?" but I didnt get a straight answer. Is this a part of RSD? I cant imagine saying that to anyone if they confronted me about my behavior that was hurting them. I did hear him say "other people wouldnt get upset by this" to a friend before when they were arguing during video games, so maybe he's just a dick. It just doesn't sit right with me and I'm tempted to open up that conversation again.
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u/taohuaspring 5d ago
This is classic DARVO and deflection. He's not a mind-reader and he can't know that some people out of the 8.3 billion people on this earth wouldn't be upset by this. Also, has there been a pattern of him describing all his exes as toxic/cheaters? I learned the hard way that that's a warning sign and chances are he's going to describe you the same way someday.
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u/BeneficialRegret7575 5d ago
Yikes. He only describes the one before me that way, since that was his longest relationship. Unfortunately we have no mutuals from before we started dating, so I have no proof. I suspect she/they actually went crazy because of his behavior, especially if he was untreated. Not that thats an excuse for cheating, but it explains why he'd describe them as angry and mean. When we first started dating, he complained about them a lot to me. I didn't mind it too much since I also had complaints or things I wanted to set boundaries for because of my previous relationships, but sometimes he'd bring up unnecessary details (sorry for tmi, but first example that comes to mind is when he'd tell me how good I was in bed bc I could go several times and "people usually get tired after one"). You know? Like yes, ADHD can make it difficult to shut your trap until it's too late, but sometimes I think he's just insensitive (or stupid).
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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
Baby arriving end of Feb, no search of nurseries or childcare arrangements. My mum is close by but I can't leave my kid there for 5 days week. But she is busy looking at things to buy.
I understand it is a dopamine hit when you look for stuff. It is crazy
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u/Weedvinnie 4d ago edited 4d ago
Beginning this week we agreed that we would get up together in the morning, because I don't have time to both make breakfast and walk the dog in the morning. Monday morning, she sleeps in after having doomscrolled late in the night. I was tired too after having played computer games to stave off my anxiety, but I don't have the luxury to just not get out of bed. I take the dog out and go to work hungry.
Tuesday morning, she sleeps in again. I wake her up a bit angry with her. She tells me I can just leave the dog; the dog can handle a few hours until her walk. Maybe it can, but it's bloody mean to do it, and we had an agreement!
Wednesday comes, and I don't bother. I go to work and leave her to figure things out.
This morning, she's still on the couch after doomscrolling herself to sleep. I go to say goodbye, and the dog jumps up next to her. Next thing I have to pry a snus from the dog's mouth. Nicotine is dangerous to dogs and can potentially kill them. My partner's put it on the furniture again, despite me being furious with her countless times for doing it.
I'm so tired. I'm tired of being in a relationship with this person who promises everything and never delivers. What good is love if my trust in her to follow through with anything is completely gone?
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u/CleverGal96 7d ago edited 7d ago
Love my husband but UGH. He takes Adderall daily. We recently switched insurance providers (back to Kaiser) and I told him he needed to redownload the Kaiser app and authorize me to refill his meds so I can transfer them from previous pharmacy, cause I otherwise couldnt due to hipaa and what not. His response "Okay! I'll do it in a minute" rinse and repeat. I told him every day for a solid week, told him his meds were starting to get low, reminded him sooo many times to please get the ball rolling.. He finally downloaded the app and logged back in after me breathing down his neck and I was able to get his meds transferred. His response was "wow that was easier than I thought'. Too little too late cause now he's down to only a couple pills and has to ration 🤷♀️🤷♀️ and the new doctor hasn't put the refill order in yet. I can only do so much when it comes to holding his hand through things.
Also he has a days of the week pill organizer. If I don't fill it every week he just won't take his other meds. Even if the bottles are sitting right there. He will just take his Adderall and skip his breathing meds and antidepressant, then when I ask him why he did that he says "Well my days of the week weren't filled. If you don't fill it I wont take them." Frustrating.
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u/darthpaul1978 Partner of NDX 5d ago
Week three of her latest burnout, coinciding with being sick. Working from home has become just being home, lying around feeling shitty. A death anniversary compounded everything, so yesterday was a shitshow. More tears, more complaints, more excuses and zero forward movement on any of the issues. It's Groundhog Day... Again.
I sat there and absorbed it all, said next to nothing. I'm soooo tired of it. I used to have so much empathy for her but it's been eroded by the constant waves of this shit. My brain just tried to shut down and I honestly could have fallen asleep sitting there listening to her.
She at least had the self-awareness to apologise if she'd emptied or filled my emotional bucket... Somehow she'd done both. Emptied my bucket of my stuff but filled it with hers.
I'm burning out WITH her, and she doesn't seem to understand that.
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u/throwaway713137689 Partner of DX - Untreated 6d ago
Laying on my side of the bed crying in pain as he tries to sleep for work is currently reminding me how alone I really am. For context, he has chronic pain that I've built my life around. I currently have severe jaw pain coupled with a headache and gas pain from being so tense; which isn't at all regular. He accused me of "starting a fight" when I asked him if he cared about me, and has fallen asleep beside me as i'm literally crying for my mom. Shortly before falling asleep, he rolls over to say "remember that I got you soup last time you were sick? I care"
It takes a LOT of pain to get me to this point, and meanwhile, he screams when he stubs his toe. Honestly, what the actual fuck. Do I need to be dying in order for him to give a damn and show some affection? Fucking ridiculous.
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u/lee-mo Partner of DX - Medicated 5d ago
I love my spouse, but I can't remember the last time they scooped the litter boxes or did the dishes without being asked. And I can't remember the last time I asked and the task got done within the time period requested, which is anywhere from a 3 to a 36 hour window, because I know they need a deadline and several reminders or it won't get done. It's not fair to me (the person who does all the cooking for both of us) or the cats when they keep pushing it off, and that means I'm the one to do it. And when they realize I've just done the task instead of giving them the nth reminder it triggers their RSD super badly.
In casual conversation they've said to multiple people that since I do the cooking, they handle the dishes. It's just... not true, and I don't know whether they genuinely believe it or if they're trying to make themself look/feel better.
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u/Throwaway110824 Partner of DX - Multimodal 7d ago
Something that really surprised me: I thought getting the official diagnosis (AuDHD) would change things for the better. Put a name to the thing that we have been working through for 13 years of marriage. Kind of let us externalize it and make it something that both of us can tackle together as partners.
Instead I somehow... feel worse? Like when I could attribute her behaviors to CPTSD, depression and anxiety I guess they felt like they were more ephemeral conditions that could improve if we managed to find the perfect combination of treatments. But then the diagnosis comes back severe ADHD and level 1 autism and I'm a little thunderstruck.
The most obvious thing is that these are intractable conditions that will probably only ever get worse. So as bad as things are and have felt over the last few years, there's a sense that actually this might be as good as they ever get again! And that's with a totally dead bedroom, a severe empathy gap and my overfunctioning to raise a healthy kid.
It also makes me look back at our relationship from the beginning... it starts to feel like the beginning of our relationship I was a little fooled about the relationship dynamic because I was a fixation of hers. We spent all our time together, she was responsive to my needs and I was to hers; we were happy. All couples have honeymoon periods that fade, but she's had several fixations since (focus on work that went nowhere, then trying to explore bisexuality in the confines of a monogamous heterosexual marriage, then getting pregnant) and nothing has made her happy and I realize that maybe I was overcompensating in a codependent way once her interest in me waned.
The outlook moving forward feels gloomy. I don't want a divorce, but even if I did, we couldn't afford it without a dramatic hit to quality of life.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 7d ago
There's a subject that he keeps bringing up, but when he does, it's usually in a way I find invalidating or icky (or, on a few occasions, worse) - and even when he doesn't, my response almost always triggers his RSD. And so now there's tension, possibly a squabble, and he's treating me like I caused it. He even asked me the other day if I didn't like talking about it, and I explained what I didn't like and why and gave some guidelines, and he argued with the answer I gave.
It's a known sore subject and he picks at it once a week. These conversations never go well literally ever but he keeps insisting on starting them. And there's no good solution, because if I just shut the talk down, that will also offend him and cause tension.
I'm really starting to wonder if he likes the conflict on some level. You'd think he'd eventually just not want to talk about the subject if it always caused unpleasant friction for him. Not that he'd develop impulse control, but that the entire subject would become emotionally unappealing to him. But no, he has to pick and pick and pick.
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u/taohuaspring 7d ago
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this lack of emotional safety on a weekly basis. Your boundaries don't need explaining, as you can see he contests and breaks them anyways. I just want to validate that you are NOT at fault if you shut it down. You are NOT the cause of the tension. HE is the one who chooses how to act on a weekly basis. HE is the one who is creating this situation by not respecting your boundaries. sending strength
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u/throwaway713137689 Partner of DX - Untreated 6d ago
You're currently his dopamine siphon. My partner was also addicted to arguing with me for the high, but now I just flat out refuse and watch him squabble in his own little anger puddle 🤷♀️ they eventually get over it. Literally, just walk away and say something like "i'm not talking about this anymore, there's nothing to solve" and stick to it. Don't engage.
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u/WatchMilan 6d ago
I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm turning into someone I hate. I'm starting to mirror how he (dx) treats me and so I get called petty. Anything I express annoyance over is immediately defended. DARVO is constantly used. We're in marriage counselling, but the homework is just an extra thing I need to implement for us. He sees the same counsellor for his personal stuff, will come home after the session and say "Counsellor said I/we should read/practice/do this..." and then that's the end of it. No implementation, no planning or preparing.
Counselling seems to give him more fuel to use against me. Anytime I share something that he does that upsets me the response is "Well, are you going to ask me questions or explore why I did that? Are you going to be curious about me?". I ask him to take accountability for something and its a 404 error that avoids addressing it completely.
I provide for us and counselling is not cheap, it's 20% of my take-home pay. He is struggling to complete his studies, find work and contribute to OUR life. We've discussed his responsibilities but it is still my responsibility to check-in with him every day. So I take on the burden of doing majority of the work in our life and also managing him.
I just want to feel feminine. I want to feel taken care of. I want to feel like I can be a normal woman and know that when I cry that I'll be held and given some grace and compassion. I feel taken advantage of. He talks a big game and doesn't know how to act. He is the KING of keeping up appearances with others. When I try to explain what I go through to friends, it's so hard to make it make sense.
He constantly talks about wanting to move to a smaller town to get away from the noise. I would love to do that, but I cannot if I stay married to him. I rely so heavily on the community around me to feel some normalcy, to give me some sort of balance. If I didn't have them, my mental health would be in the sewage drain, it's already in the toilet.
I had so much hope for us. I encouraged him to get diagnosed. I had hope that environmental changes and working with his habits rather than against them would take a load off. Now, I'm struggling to see any hope because I realise that I can't control him. I can take accountability for myself and change my responses, but a marriage requires two people to do the work. We've been together for 7 years now, married for 2. I desperately want to have children, but not with the way he shows up currently. So I hold off, it's not like I have to try hard anyway because he doesn't initiate anything sexual. He says it's because he doesn't feel affection from me and because he feels emotionally unsafe.
His family trauma has taught him that he's a burden, so he doesn't share freely. But then he hijacks when I am sharing my emotions, essentially becoming a free-for-all and then I am left looking after his feelings when I took the initiative to share how I was feeling. This causes me to bottle up because I'm tired of feeling unheard.
He has no friends that he sees regularly. His social life revolves around our married friends that I organise to see or our faith. People we see briefly, once a week. ChatGPT is consulted with everything and everything now. Constantly scrolling, letting the algorithm show him "advice" for whatever he's experiencing, then sharing it with me to "connect". His research into what he needs consists of the ADHD videos in his algorithm.
Honestly, there's so much to vent about. Marriage counselling is my way to see if anything changes. I'll pay for it until there's consistency. If there's no consistency or major changes in the way our relationship functions a year from now, I will be leaving.
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u/heyomeatballs Partner of DX - Medicated 5d ago
I'm so sick of her shooting down my ideas immediately and brushing me off.
I'm even more sick of them becoming her ideas weeks later and that's when it gets done, usually so late that it no longer matters, all while she insists that she has no memory whatsoever of me suggesting the solution, but she'll listen to me next time, promise.
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u/Ok-Meeting-2503 3d ago
Not really a vent but does anyone else’s partner just… not eat? It’s now after 3pm here and he had water and coffee today and that’s it. We have gone on two dog walks so it’s not like he’s fully sedentary. Some days he just doesn’t eat until like 7 or 8pm. I truly don’t understand how he functions. I’ve already had a pre workout snack, breakfast and lunch. We have plenty of prepped food and leftovers ready to go. I reminded him, but he just stared blankly into the fridge and went back upstairs.
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u/replyallyall 3d ago
My ADHD friend doesn't drink liquids. They say they hate going to the bathroom. I think it's a combination of things. They also don't like to do anything when it comes to personal hygiene unless it's at the last minute. It's not like they're unaware. They talk about it constantly but they won't do anything to change.
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u/m0thrafukka Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago
We agreed this weekend we would do Halloween stuff (pumpkin picking/carving, horror movies, and stuff like that). This morning he slept until 10 and stayed in bed until 1120... I tried asking him about our plans multiple times and NEVER got an answer. I had to say 'So, we'll do all of that tomorrow then?' and plan it by myself.
He said he wanted to do a 'spa night' AKA face masks, candles, and such. I thought that sounded nice and I picked up new masks for us while I was running an errand.
He didn't eat 'lunch' until 4, so my plans for dinner were fucked. Oh well, we ate leftovers and I can cook tomorrow.
His buddies mention they want to game, he gets so into he he completely forgot our spa night. I had to interrupt his game to remind him.
Like... I'm starting to really not feel important. Wtf.
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u/nightstoolong Partner of DX - Medicated 6d ago
He planned a day out for my birthday, some minor changes had to be made d/t toddler doing toddler things. I guess it piled up enough that he couldn’t deal with the plans changing, had a minor breakdown and needed some time to regroup. Then all last night he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t tell me what was wrong, up crying and cleaning the house until 1am and i was genuinely worried he was going to hurt himself on purpose. He just said he feels like he can’t do anything right.
He booked a therapy appointment but it’s not for a week and a half. I don’t really know what to do.
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 2d ago
I’m so tired of the binary view that if I felt bad about something I wouldn’t have done it.
Yes, I wouldn’t have done it if I had known better. I didn’t. I can’t change the past.
He says it’s a cop out but… what am I even supposed to do then except try to move forward?
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u/Tak4Hir0 Partner of DX - Medicated 7d ago
I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm so lost and sad and confused. I am responsible for everything, I was away on holiday last week and it all fell to shit. I feel like if I had any self-respect I would leave but that terrifies me and I wouldn't know what to do if I did that.
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u/mithu_the_parrot 1d ago
I'm on a business trip and stayed at my parents home as it it close to the destination. I could focus on my work for a week without getting yelled at by someone for something that is none of my fault. Today I'm returning to my home so I'm a bit anxious...
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u/Thats_My_Daisy Partner of DX - Untreated 8d ago
I wish I had known how bad it was before getting involved with her. I wish I had run away before we had two kids together. I wish I could tell her any of how I feel without it turning into a fight. I wish she would put the goddamn phone down and pay attention to the kids. At this point I don’t even care if she pays attention to me but at least pay some fucking attention to the kids. Maybe then she wouldn’t take it so personally that our toddler son prefers me to her. It’s because he gets my full and undivided attention instead of a half-assed smile with the phone in one hand or a vague verbal response while her nose is 10 inches from her screen.
The constant verbal diarrhea, the messes, the extra work, the RSD meltdowns, the offloading of executive function and higher reasoning. Her brain just constantly seeking dopamine and getting it from the mental equivalent of empty calories. I’m so burnt out, I’m so tired, I’m so angry, I’m so over this. I try to tell her where I’m at in the hopes it will get better and I’m met with arguing and accusations of the same behaviors. If it weren’t for these kids I would’ve been long gone by now.