r/AmItheAsshole • u/North_Owl3856 • 3h ago
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u/selizea Certified Proctologist [21] 3h ago
NTA.
Throwing away the kitchen because he's mad about chores is unhinged.
You support four capable people on 11hrs workdays. Lock down your bank accounts todayy
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u/nyx_solitude 3h ago
Yeah same, the mental math here is wild, she earns all the money, does 11 hour days, and still gets called lazy by a man who hasn't worked in 6 years and two teens who should be helping, the dish thing would be my breaking point honestly, lock it all down.
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u/Particular-King218 1h ago edited 1h ago
Hell, I'd leave a note saying "I'll be back in 2 weeks" Then turn off my phone. Then go stay elsewhere
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u/Wintersteele69 3h ago
Its time for you to leave. Your kids calling you lazy is wild. They dont appreciate you so let them be on their own.
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u/Ozzy_Mama1972 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
They are all the AHs. Your children and he can clean. I’m sorry you are being used as a paycheck. You deserve better. Are you sure you want to stay in that relationship?
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u/ScarlettsLetters Certified Proctologist [22] 3h ago
NTA, holy fuck.
He’s right about one thing, he doesn’t deserve a debit card.
Anyway I hope enjoy choosing all new nice kitchen things in your apartment for one.
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u/Particular-King218 1h ago
And all my belongings on the porch
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u/LowBalance4404 Commander in Cheeks [232] 1h ago
I think my belongings would be in a smoldering heap of ashes in the fireplace. LOL My mom is one of my best friends, but holy hell she didn't put up with a lot when I was a kid.
When I was about 17, she was driving me to soccer practice and I don't remember what she was telling me, but I responded with "who in the fuck do you think....". Didn't even get to finish the sentence. Without taking her eyes off of the road, her right hand left the steering wheel and smacked me in the mouth. Perfect aim. My lip started to swell and I was crying and she turned the car around and told me I could walk to practice. LOL That's one of my favorite stories (now).
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u/Ozzy_Mama1972 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
My mom? I’d wake up and my clothes would be out of style! 😉.
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u/toddverrone 3h ago
NTA This is so disrespectful to you. My wife is the main bread winner and I'm the stay at home dad. I consider it a failing on my part if she has to do any cleaning or housework at all.
Your husband and children sound outrageously lazy and are projecting it on to you.
I don't know what the solution is here, but you need support, not condemnation
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u/No-Tiger-5426 3h ago
NTA- everyone is old enough to contribute, and everyone is old enough to know better.
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u/Drinkmorechampagne Partassipant [1] 3h ago
--"he threw all our dishes, pots and pans and everything into the trash."
This is a very high level of lack of impulse control.
It's childish and screams "See what you made me do?"
It's also dangerous. I'd actually be afraid.
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u/Tinkerbell_98 3h ago
NTA. Your husband is acting like a toddler. What an absurd reaction. You work/he maintains the house. That is how that should work. I think you should just leave. Maybe permanently, maybe temporarily. He can figure it out with out you.
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u/GenXMom14 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
There is obviously more going on here. This is a hostile and unhealthy family unit.
You as the sole income earner are not exempt from participating in the home.
Also true is that the non working adult should be doing the bulk.
Also true is teens can do a lot too.
But you don’t get a free pass to do nothing. If one of them cooks tidy up after. If you see a load of laundry needs to be put away do it. And so on.
You can’t entirely disengage from home life responsibility because you make money. You all need to sit down and actually work this out.
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u/North_Owl3856 3h ago
I cook meals, I do almost entirely all the shopping. When we go anywhere I am almost always the driver. I also am the one who does laundry. He does yard work and vehicle repairs. When the kids don't drive, he drives them where they need to go while I'm at work. The argument is about cleaning and maintaining a clean home when I'm gone nearly 12 hours a day, every day and he's not working. I do my best with the bills on what I earn. We are usually behind but we have a home and our utilities are all on.
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u/GenXMom14 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
In that case you are absolutely contributing to the home and chores. Meals, groceries, toting people around is all home chores too.
Honestly your family needs to have a sit down and breakdown how everyone contributes and they will see you are doing a lot and they need to step up. At least I hope they will see it.
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u/the_harlinator Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3h ago
You are gone 12 hours a day. Realistically you aren’t even there to make any messes. Your husband and kids can clean up after themselves.
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u/jman12234 3h ago
Thanks for a bit of rationality. In this sub, if a stay-at-home mom asked a working dad to contribute to the cleaning they would be on the mom's side. I do not see what's different here. OP states he's asking for help in it and later states she is expected to do all the chores. Which is it? In the former, yes your husband is correct. In the latter, no you should not have to do all the chores. That this post is not labelled "husbands wants me to do all the chores even though I am the sole earner" I am leaning towards the former. That her kids are also calling her lazy makes me side eye her even more. That the husband make the proviso that he'll clean his way also points to OP criticizing cleaning she does not contribute to, which is really not cool.
It was not the correct action to throw away the dishes though. So I also have to say ESH here. But OP you have to help out too.
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u/North_Owl3856 3h ago
To clarify, I do help at home. I cook meals, I do laundry daily. I also do all of the grocery shopping to keep our home running. I do not condemn the way he cleans. I would be happy with anything in that department. I just think I'm gone nearly 12 hours a day all week and on the weekend, it's unfair to expect me to spend it cleaning the entire house. My husband isn't working and hasn't for years, and we have 2 teenagers. Why is it fair to say I should be the income earner and also be expected to keep the house clean? I do contribute.
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u/jman12234 3h ago
Then yeah, you are not the asshole here. I'm sorry if I may have inadvertently hurt you by my comment; I was just sincerely confused by the way you wrote your post. Thank you for the clarity. It's not fair to you and I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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u/Any-Alternative2667 2h ago
Is it true he cannot work? If he does lawn work and car stuff he can work outside the home at least some. NTA. Cooking, shopping, plus laundry is a lot given that you are working/commuting 55-60 hours a day. Teens call you lazy because dad does and they clearly model his behavior.
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u/kimariesingsMD Certified Proctologist [20] 25m ago
This all should have been included on my your post. How could we come to a correct judgement without important details. It seems to happen when the OP starts to get feedback against them, so they have to add info to sway things back in their favor.
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u/PanicAtTheGaslight Partassipant [1] 23m ago
Look, you’re obviously NTA but you have to find a way out of your marriage. Your kids calling you lazy? That’s 100% a direct result of what he has taught your kids.
I know it feels impossible, but go see a lawyer. Find 1 or 2 that do free consultations or find someone you’ve heard is really good and pay for an initial consult. Knowledge is power and you need to take your power back!
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u/GenXMom14 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
It is a confusing thread. In her reply to me she suggests she does meals, grocery shopping and laundry. If that is the case then the family needs to step up.
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u/jman12234 3h ago
Yeah, I agree. But I also think in that situation her argument should not be "I earn the money" but "I already do my part in the chores, do yours." If she thinks he needs to work also that's a different conversation.
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u/GenXMom14 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
I don’t think it’s I earn the money. It’s I am out of the house for 10-12 hrs doing my job, i don’t have capacity to do that and more. Which is valid.
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u/nicethingsarenicer 3h ago
What's different here is that the children are nearly adults. More than old enough to help keep the place clean. People don't extend the same sympathy if it's a SAHM of teenagers either.
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u/jman12234 3h ago
Not really from what I've seen, but we have may just have different experiences in this sub.
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u/Decent-Initiative-42 3h ago
It sounds like she's home and awake 4-5 hours a day, other than weekends. I would assume the majority of any messes aren't hers.
OP, if your husband was denied disability, he can get a job. They deemed him capable of working. Don't work yourself to death for people who don't appreciate you. Teenagers can contribute to housework. It sounds like you do enough already.
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 3h ago
Esh. I absolutely do not care about genders.
Should he be cleaning while home? Yes.
Do you get exempt from doing your adult duty chores because you work? Absolutely not.
Exactly the same for a stay at home mom and husband who works.
You are both adult. You both live there. You both do all the chores together.
And if your kids don't do chores. That's half on you. Raise them better.
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u/RazzmatazzNeat9865 3h ago
OP states in another comment that she's already shouldering all chores other than cleaning singlehandedly. Her man is a parasite, not a sahd.
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u/Auroraburst Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 3h ago
OP spends a majority of the day at work. Her husband is NOT a stay at home dad (the kids are too old for that title), he is a house husband which means his job is to manage the house and take the lions share of house chores.
From what she's written she does do chores.
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u/the_harlinator Asshole Enthusiast [8] 3h ago
I would agree with you, if the kids were young and he was taking care of them all day. But they are teenagers. OP’s husband is home all day with nothing to do, he can clean. Op said in a comment that she cooks every day and does the laundry and that’s a pretty fair divide in their situation.
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u/Somebody_81 2h ago
When I was a stay at home mom the household chores were my job (except windows, I don't do windows). Even when we had little children the household chores and taking care of the children were my job. Once they were in school and I went back to working a paying job, then household chores became something both of us did.
I do agree that the teenagers should have chores of their own. Our kids had chores they did because they were part of the family and there were "extra" chores they could do to earn money.
My husband did do all the outside house chores like mowing the lawn and such. He did the windows inside and out because we agreed about that.
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u/GosuBear 3h ago
This is exactly right.
Just because my partner wasn’t able to work I wouldn’t expect them to clean up after me.
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u/VerbaAdAbyssum Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA...
Reddit is often too quick to call for divorce but on this occasion, I'd like you to consider if you'd be happier in a solo household once the teens have moved out, or even before then.
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u/Antivaxer-anihilator 3h ago
Cleaning and being the sole breadwinner aren't the only things that go into managing a house.
Who does laundry? Who grocery shops? Who makes sure the kids have everything they need as far as clothing, school supplies, and extra-curricular activities? Who makes sure the kids are where they need to be when they need to be there? Who plans trips and holidays? Who manages the finances and makes sure bills are paid on time?
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u/North_Owl3856 3h ago
I cook meals and take care of laundry. I also am the one who does grocery shopping, etc. I do my best managing finances on what I earn. We have a home and utilities are on. 1 income household is a struggle, I won't lie. The kids drive to most of their stuff. If they don't, he will take them while I am at work. So, I do household chores, I just don't think it should also be my sole responsibility to keep the house clean.
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u/RazzmatazzNeat9865 3h ago
In other words, you do far more than half the chores already. NTA. Your man sounds abusive considering his actions with the dishes. You should try to extricate yourself from this godawful relationship - it's already poisoning your children.
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u/Auroraburst Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 3h ago
It shouldn't be, he's not a stay at home dad anymore, he's a house husband. His duties as such are to keep the house clean.
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u/TheCocoMoco 3h ago
Who are you cooking meals for? Everyone? Who's laundry are you doing? Everyones?
2 teenagers are old enough to be assigned daily AND weekly house maintenance duties. It doesn't sound like they have broken arms or legs, so dishes, bathroom, and vacuuming should not be a problem.
I also think NO ONE gets a debit card, dole out an allowance to these rude and entitled people and they get the amount cut if the FAMILY HOUSEHOLD chores are not done.
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u/melodramacamp 3h ago
NTA. The two of you are in a partnership, and since you’re working full time and he isn’t, he can take on the housework, to the best of his abilities. I’d understand if he was asking you to pitch in with a few chores that he’s physically unable to do, but to expect you to do everything? And throw out all of your dishes when he has to clean? And call you lazy? And get your KIDS to call you lazy?
42 is not too late to get divorced. My mom left my dad in her late 40s and now her house is calm, and clean, and no one yells at her. That can be you!
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u/TheHighKnight 3h ago
NTA I've been out of work for 4 months with back issues. The depression is bad but doing something helps. As long as you aren't actively making things harder such as coming in after he cleans up then you are doing your part. I had to move back in with my parents and every day is harder than the last. I feel like such an afterthought. I'm sure there are things he can't do so you might need to help with those but if he isn't doing everything he can then he needs to tey harder.
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u/Hairy_Insurance4000 3h ago
NTA, but…Why are you staying married to someone who would throw away your things? That’s manipulation and abuse. I’m sure that’s not the first thing he’s done like that; and it’s a horrible example for your children.
You are treated that way you allow yourself to be treated. Separate from
that man, and allow yourself some breathing room for perspective and therapy. You’re exhausted for a reason,and it’s not going to get better.
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u/DogsRBetterThnPpl3 3h ago
NTA. But he is. And a huge one at that.
In any marriage or partnership its perfectly reasonable to expect that if one person is working then the other person is keeping the house and cooking. He can modify to his back injury requirements. What hes doing and saying is entitled and disrespectful, and then he chucked a mantrum.
Any fully grown human should be able to cook a meal and clean the home basics.
I would not need to tell my husband, or ask. He would be offering and making it happen if I were out working all day.
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u/Axiom713 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA - Sounds like you need a divorce from a very ungrateful husband. He should pull his weight and do all the housework properly since you go to work. He sounds like a child throwing a tantrum.
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u/PoisonedSmoke420 Partassipant [1] 3h ago
Divorce him and your children! NTA! Throughout the lazy sack of….
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u/Outside_Holiday_9997 3h ago
Hes acting like a child and no longer wants access to your bank.
Make him a child. He can now earn an allowance by doing chores.
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u/Woe_Bringer Partassipant [2] 3h ago
I typically to avoid being in camp "leave your spouse"
But, Jesus wept, you need to run as far and as fast as you can. Please
NTA, except to yoursef if you stay
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Backstory: I (42f) have been married to my husband (44m) for nearly 20 years. We have 3 children, 1 grown and 2 teenagers in high school. My husband has not worked in about 6 years. He had a back injury and failed back surgery and mental health issues. He has been denied disability. I am the only income earner. We had a big fight about our house. I work alot. I leave at 5:50 am and do not get home until after 5 pm. I am lucky enough to get weekends off and I'll admit I spend most of them sleeping because I'm absolutely exhausted. He gets so mad at me because I do not help with keeping the house clean. I told him today, again I am not helping. I told him it's not fair I keep us afloat alone and then be expected to also do all the house chores when he and our 2 teenagers should take care of that. He says I'm lazy and that just because I work doesn't mean I don't have to help with anything else. My kids also call me lazy all the time. His resolution? He says don't get mad when he chooses to clean his way then. . he threw all our dishes, pots and pans and everything into the trash. Then he cut up his debit card to our joint account and threw it at me because "he doesn't earn money so he doesn't need a debit card."
AITAH because I refuse to clean the house ?
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u/Willa_Tide 3h ago
NTA. you’re keeping the family afloat financially. least he can do is keep the house clean
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u/Crowlady77 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
I'll just give you my perspective. I can't clean. I also had failed back surgery and the one thing that's guaranteed to leave me in pain is cleaning.
My husband didn't feel like he could keep up with everything either because he's the sole wage earner and also has to do a lot of things for me. We have a cleaning service and also just live with things not being that clean.
I don't see anything here about why he doesn't clean. I do see why you don't clean. His response seems unreasonable but also it's hard to be in pain all the time and struggle to do basic things and also not be able to keep your environment like you like it and sometimes I crash out a little too.
But then there's a point where you've gotta just get it under control and not take it out on people too.
So you're NTA. He's being an asshole but also I would ask him more questions about why. Being disabled in your prime sucks and maybe he needs help coping with it.
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u/ubik-quitous 3h ago
Info: how have you split up household chores?
His reaction shows plenty of red flags. Throwing away household items is not the answer. You are not lazy. Leaving him may be the right choice.
But bringing home 100% of the household income does not mean you don't have to contribute at all to domestic chores.
What conversations have you had about this?
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 Partassipant [1] 3h ago edited 3h ago
No. Your entire family treats you like a punching bag and takes you for granted. Your kids need consequences for not doing more and their attitudes. They are becoming entitled like your husband. Stop doing the work at home completely. Don't give anyone money for anything nonessential until they make changes.
Divorce the tantrum throwing husband. He's awful. There's no hope for him. Don't let your kids think the way he treats you is acceptable.
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u/anthropocene2000 Asshole Aficionado [19] 3h ago
I am with you. I work all week and am so tired on the weekends that I really need that time to recharge. It's not lazy, it's selfcare. In your situation I would calculate the number of hours a week you are working, then ask you husband to calculate the number of hours he is spending on household chores. And if his number is higher than your number then you should start helping. But honestly, it just sounds like your husband is really struggling with his mental health so maybe it's time for some individual or couples counselling to help you two navigate this situation before there is so much damage done there is no going back. NTA.
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u/Reasonable-Check-120 3h ago
My 14 year old son has chores and they include light cleaning.
Your husband is not disabled enough to use a dish washer.
Get the teenagers chores. Throw out the husband.
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u/WhiteGhost99 3h ago
The level of disrespect here is staggering. And your children mimic what their father does. They see he can do whatever with impunity and they do the same with no consequences. What is your position in that house? It seems you have no authority at all though you are the breadwinner, the one who literally puts food on their table. Are you standing up for yourself? Because it doesn't look like it.
Take advantage of the fact that he destroyed his bank card and take control of the money. Everybody must do their part in the house or else. That "else" can be anything from taking away their pocket money (for your children) to silent treatment for your husband or moving away to let them fend for themselves. Or something else entirely, you should know better what works best with your family - make a plan and fight back. You are not their doormat. NTA FFS...
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u/JenninMiami Certified Proctologist [26] 3h ago
NTA Just file for divorce and you’ll only have 2 kids to take care of.
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u/eclipsadesoare 3h ago
You don’t have to clean the whole house but you do have to do something. Husbands are expected to do something even though they work. How much can your husband do with a failed back surgery. Create a chore plan where your husband is working on something in the house at least 6 hours a day when you are working and where your children have chores too. Pick a small chore for you. Obviously you should do a lot less not because you bring in the money but because you are already working 8 of those hours.
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u/Odd_Department_7702 3h ago
Oh man you are carrying a huge load- those are long days and I get it about needing the weekend to sleep. I have no kids and still slept till afternoon today to recover from my work week. The teenagers need to chip in majorly and if he can’t handle their direction and play his own part. I don’t know what to say. Praying for you and a relief of burden
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u/West-Evidence2833 3h ago
Stop buying groceries.
If they won’t clean and disrespect you don’t feed them.
They might learn to appreciate you and all your hard work?
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u/Auroraburst Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 3h ago edited 3h ago
NTA
My husband has similar physical issues also with depression. Currently have a kid at home but once he no longer qualifies as a stay at home dad (aka looking after kids through the day) he will be expected to do much more around the house (obviously within reason for his physical capabilities)
In your case your husband is not only doing nothing, he is disrespecting you by throwing things away and is turning the teens against you. A divorce would be happier, he sounds like a spiteful person.
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u/PersonalCar4572 3h ago
NTA because he so clearly is. He is obviously feeling a lot of anger and shame about his situation and acting really unwell. I do think every adult in the household should contribute to chores though it definitely doesn't have to be equally. My husband doesn't clean much but if I would be upset if he didn't unload the dishwasher at least once a week. Also, just because I'm curious, INFO he says you don't help with the chores, you say you shouldn't have to do ALL the chores. What's the actual situation from your perspective? Also, what do the kids do?
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u/North_Owl3856 24m ago
He takes care of the yard and vehicle repairs when needed. When the kids don't drive, he drives them where they need to be. House repairs are meh, sometimes he does them, sometimes not. Our kitchen sink was clogged for weeks and took hours to drain. I asked him and asked him to please unclog it. He simply said he ran hot water down it and it didn't work. I ended up finding the tools and completely taking apart the sink drain to clear a massive clog. It only took me about an hour or so. But still....
I take care of laundry daily. I do all the grocery shopping and I cook meals. When we have to drive anywhere, his butt rides passenger princess 99% of the time. I also feed our cats and do the litter boxes and keep fresh water down for our pets. My 2 kids feed the dogs and let them in and out. My husband flat out says "I don't take care of animals".
I commute to work an hour each way and I have been working 50+ hours per week. I don't have a very physically demanding job but it's very mentally draining. One week in August, I worked a full week and then travelled out of state for work over the weekend and clocked 76.5 hours for ONE week. I'm actually exhausted.
The argument i posted about wasn't about me not wanting to contribute to household chores but specifically me saying no to cleaning the household. Hope that helps.
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u/myphoneisinthe 3h ago
I've posted this too many times, why do women keep putting up with these shitty men? Leave and don't look back.
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u/Mamapalooza 3h ago
Tell this freeloader to move out. He sounds like the husband of a friend of mine. Their own kids wish she would divorce him.
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u/Pythonixx Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago
NTA. I understand he is probably in pain and has been mourning the ability to work and be fully functional, but your husband needs to speak to a psychologist or at least an occupational therapist about this. I think he's lashing out because he's got some issues with not being a "provider" and having to rely on your income.
Secondly, the audacity for your children to call you lazy?? That's absolutely wild. I think it's time you had a discussion with them and explain there's now expectations on them to help out around the house. If they push back, start only doing your own laundry and cooking your own dinner. Also stop buying them anything that isn't basic necessities or things they need for school.
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u/Ok-disaster2022 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA but also are both your teens boys perchance, is your soon to be ex teaching them toxic behaviors toward women?
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u/1RainbowUnicorn Certified Proctologist [27] 3h ago
Get in marriage counseling!! His mental health treatment isn't working. Get a lawyer to appeal the disability decision... they don't charge up front, and they don't charge if they don't win benefits. NTA
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u/lHappycats 3h ago
Do you love your husband? If not you can cut a big load of stress by leaving him.
Your children teenagers can choose who they want to live with. I am sure their bad behavior is because of his influence. If you moved out they would change their tune!
I bet without him dragging you down your energy levels will bounce back with out the dead weight.
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u/AnneHawthorne Partassipant [2] 3h ago
Your husband is teaching your child abhorrent lessons. You're 1000% better off filing for divorce and dropping the dead weight. Then show your kids what actual respect and responsibilities look like. With their father whispering in their ears they will turn around and this it's okay to treat their GF/BF's like this making them un-datable.
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u/Warm_Molasses_258 3h ago
NTA. Your husband sounds a lot like my ex stepdad. I don't know the specifics of your husband's injury, but if he's anything like my former stepdad, I bet he's faking the severity of his injury in order to get out of work and responsibility, and when that doesn't get his way, he's poisoning your children against you in order to gain sympathy.
My stepdad had everyone convinced for years that he was 100 percent disabled and incapable of any kind of physical work until he and my mother divorced, and then, like a magic wand waved over him, he was suddenly able to physically demanding activities and work without any real limitations. In fact, the only true limitations he suffered were do to his drug addictions.
He was a true born manipulator, and I bet your husband is the same. For example, your husband was denied disability. Why doesn't he pursue his disability claim again instead of just giving up? While I admit disability claims are incredibly difficult in this country with frequent unreasonable denials, if your husband truly cares about the welfare of your family, he would pursue his disability claim further to help alleviate the financial strain his inability to work is causing your family to suffer. Unless, he is either too lazy or not actually disabled and unable to work.
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u/MissLabbie Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA holy shit take your job and go, leave them the house and the housework. See them call you lazy then.
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u/Spare_Butterfly_213 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
Since your husband threw away all the dishes and pots and pans, get takeout for yourself and maybe the kids and tell hubby he's on his own.
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u/SnoopyRulez 2h ago
Don’t feed the entitled people. He threw a tantrum, tell him he is the lazy one as he does not have a job and does not do anything regarding the chores. Also, tell the kids they need to start doing chores to help.
You bring in the money, that is your chore. The others who live in your home need to step up take up the rest.
At a family meeting tell them you are formally resigning as the maid of the home as well as the breadwinner. Explain to them how demanding your job is and how tired it makes you. If they still refuse to do the household chores don’t do any for them. You wash your own laundry, cook food for only you, shop for food they hate but you like. If they ask where something is answer “I don’t know,” don’t do any favors for them even when they beg and whine. Don’t give in. Eventually if they realize how they are treating you they will apologize to you and they will continue to do chores.
When I was too little to remember, my mom had a similar situation. My dad and brothers were constantly complaining about what she cooked for meals. Her solution was to cook a single meal of:
Grass from the yard
A leaf salad from the bushes
A true mud pie from the side of the house
After they saw what she cooked they apologized and never again complained about what meals she cooked. I do have to say she had a meal at our next door neighbor’s house waiting for her to bring it back home.
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u/TravelImpressive2831 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
Sounds like you're busting your ass for nothing. Let them pay their own bills/rent. You go live your best life in your own place! Lazy assholes.
NTA
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u/FatboyChester 2h ago
You need to put a stop to this now because it will only get worse.
Your kids are already abusing you just like he does.
I'm curious as to what kind of mental health problems because most mental health problems don't prevent you from doing some basic cleaning.
What does he actually do during the day? Anything? Also most middle age women have back problems but push through every day of their lives.
If I were you, I would absolutely refuse to pay for anything he breaks or throws away.
I would pack up and move in with a friend or family member or find a short term rental.
He wouldn't get on penny from me, for anything.
I would also refuse to give ypur kids any money and instead tell them to ask their father
Its their home as much as it is yours and they need to learn a hard lesson about responsibility.
Lend all 3 fend for themselves without carrying all the weight.
If you dont do something now, your boys will end up just like ypur husband...part slug, part leech.
And block them on your phone and dont let them know where you are because you will be harrassed 24/7 to come home and be their caretaker and bank.
You are out of your mind to deal with people like this.
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u/Extension_Spare3019 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA
They're all being shits and you may have to enter zero tolerance mode for a while. And probably get the husband into therapy and put boot to teenager ass. At least the teenagers are acting their age. The other adult acting like that certainly isn't telling them they shouldn't be doing the same.
I know a little about being unceremoniously shunted out of the workforce due to disabilities. Happened to me a few years ago. I feel pretty worthless a lot of the time when there are a handful of things I can't do to help around the house and am contributing minimally to the bank account. I'm doing something about it, though. Going back to school to pick up a new trade as I can't work either job I had before my injury, nor any I had previous to those. I lost the ability to use most of my current job skills. Vocational Rehabilitation is your friend. Certainly has been mine so far.
I can see a person getting pretty low over that if they're used to working and being financially stable and contributing to their household. That doesn't make it ok at all, but it may be at least somewhat correctable with the assistance of a mental health professional.
Not really super topical, but, has he appealed the disability decision yet? I had to. They sent a letter 30 months after I applied that said "a little pain in your arm is not a disability." I had a series of aneurysms and resulting subarachnoid hemorrhages. When I was going through the initial disability process I had a paralyzed arm, hallucinations, debilitating fatigue, and couldn't be in brightly lit buildings with crowds for more than a few minutes at a time without a meltdown. They called it a little pain in my arm. I expected an initial denial, especially after waiting two and a half years, but the reason they sent was astounding. Appeal took about two months and ended in approval.
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u/Negative-Pension-792 2h ago
he threw out the dishes he would have had to wash so he handed himself the day off and called it a lesson for you
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u/sushirollsyummy 47m ago
Since he doesn’t earn money he doesn’t need the shelter of a home or food… he can take his arse outside. Cleaning by throwing out things to help cook… clearly he doesn’t do that either….
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u/Laines_Ecossaises Professor Emeritass [83] 32m ago
NTA
Sorry but his response was unhinged. His mental health issues are not under control and they are poisoning your kids. Get him help or get out of there.
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u/distantdreamingg 3h ago
Ugh. NTA but VERY close to ESH. Please look into the Fair Play deck, it’s a wonderful way to divide the household chores in a way that feels balanced and doable for everyone and also keeps everyone on the same page as far as what they’re responsible for. Also, tell your husband he needs to go to therapy if his plan is to just keep being a bully, because that’s a hard pass.
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