r/CPTSD • u/Acceptable_Fall_7257 • 15h ago
Vent / Rant I just discovered why I could never make friends
I recently ran into an old classmate I went to school with, while we were talking I learned something that made so many painful memories click into place. Almost everyone in my community who knew who I was thought I was gay and some kind of deviant. I live in the south for context, I grew up liking to draw, read fantasy, and use my imagination. Apparently this was all it took and I never caught on. The past couple of days now I’ve been remembering times groups back in school would either walk away or make me leave if I came around. And particularly painful, I can remember all the times in my church when parents would pull kids behind them when I walked by. I was so confused by it all. It’s hitting me like a truck now. I’m straight and always have been, and even if I was, I’m not some kind of boogeyman. I’m embarrassed to say I have no idea why I never figured it out for so long. For a long time I legitimately thought something was wrong with me.
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u/Fr0zen_Fawn 15h ago
I've had similar experiences, i wish people would just tell us why they dislike us, but i've learned most people chose rumors and hate over reality. It sucks that happened to you.
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u/VishfulTinking 15h ago
I think people often don't really know why they don't like someone — it's more of a gut reaction. Kids especially are quick to judge on very superficial characteristics, and tend to gang up on anyone who seems 'different'.
(And many 'adults' never outgrow this childish behavior…)
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u/rndmeyes 14h ago
does that change at a certain age?
because I've also noticed kids are the most forgiving and friendly to anyone sometimes
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u/Fr0zen_Fawn 12h ago
I meant more people blindly believing someone is gay/a thief/a liar and cutting them off. It hurst knowing how little it takes for most people to hate you. And if you get confused or sad they justify their own cruelty and get upset at you even more.
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u/VishfulTinking 11h ago
The thing is, though, you don't actually want people like that in your life.
Trust me, they did you a favor, even if it hurts. You're better off without them.
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u/bellaswansperiod 6h ago
I think it‘s because there’s a pecking order to maintain. As long as you shit on the loser, you can‘t be as much of a loser as them.
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u/Significant-Touch240 15h ago
Ah, yes. The Ole "fantasy is a sin to people who believe in the Bible"
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 15h ago
I'm sorry to ask, but could you explain this for a layperson who isn't religious? I've never heard this expression and it really caught my attention. Does it mean that the thought that someone is gay (fantasy) makes them a sinner?
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u/mcbobson 12h ago
A lot of the things in Fantasy (witches, wizards, dragons, magic, etc) are referenced as "bad" or "abominable in the eyes of the Lord" and most religious types are conditioned to hate and avoid such things.
Beyond that, certain flavors of worship (evangelists, puritans, Baptist) straight belive recreation itself is sinful (idle hands are the devil's playthings). If you aren't busy working you should be busy praying.
Harry Potter=wicked lure meant to tempt precious children away from His Holy Light and wickedness is like radiation, even being around it means there is a small chance you'll fall for Satan!
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 11h ago
OMG. I am so not in-the-know on this. It seems like a bit of an overreaction.
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u/InMyHagPhase 8h ago
You should google the Satanic Panic. I lived through that mess lol
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 8h ago
oh man, 80s right? i was 5-15 in that decade. And sheltered.
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u/InMyHagPhase 8h ago
Yea 80s, thankfully I was very young but also from a small town so by the time it got to us it stuck for a loooooong time.
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u/CommanderCodex 6h ago
It is, my mother wouldn’t let me watch the Harry Potter movies when they came out and she was not a strict Christian at all, just an overly protective mother. I still had an emo phase later on in middle school which she was incredibly supportive of, she even helped me dye the ends of my hair red. It was just all the hype around Harry Potter potentially hurting kids that made her momentarily believe in witchcraft.
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u/megafaunaenthusiast cPTSD 14h ago
As another non-Christian layperson, from my understanding the idea of indulging in the fantasy genre is an insult to God..somehow. I guess in the same way as evangelicals who believe empathy to be a sin to avoid, maybe? 🤔
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u/hotbox_inception 14h ago
grew up in church, but atheist now. My construction of christians hating fantasy was that
1) they didn't like anything that could "defile" god
2) fantasy is a world that is without god and
3) they'll call fantasy paganism/idolatry, so definitely in the sin angle
(I've had friends get yugioh and pokemon cards confiscated and burned because they were satanic)
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u/megafaunaenthusiast cPTSD 13h ago
I'm so sorry you and your friends had to deal with any of that 😭
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 14h ago
wow. my brain wraps into a pretzel trying to figure out how they justify all that.
thank you so much! I need the education.
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u/hotbox_inception 14h ago
Slightly longer explanation:
Fantasy "races" and species (sorry there isn't a better term) like elves, orcs, dragons, fae are anti-christian because god didn't create them. Fantasy concepts such as magic, mana, sorcery, alchemy go against god because he's got a monopoly on miracles. And that's not mentioning other deities, because christianity is a monotheistic triune and to recognize others is blasphemous.
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u/DesignerGap0 11h ago
Hmmm. How do they know what god did or didn't create? Also didn't god create human imagination? Or why does it exist, in their minds?
(I'm an atheist btw)
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 14h ago
OK, is being a gay person means you are a fantasy race?
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u/megafaunaenthusiast cPTSD 14h ago
I think it's moreso that if you're into fantasy that you're more likely to be 'against god', so they therefore associate that with being gay because it's also 'against god'. What a terrible mind to have. So scary that people genuinely believe this, isn't it? 😭
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 13h ago
ugh. so much. I had a classmate in college whose church passed around snakes (allegedly), but I thought that was a joke. I figured out it wasn't later (allegedly).
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u/megafaunaenthusiast cPTSD 13h ago
One time I stayed at a friend's house and the requirement was that I go to church with them, which I was like, sure okay. I've rarely ever been to church, it's cool to see other people's cultures, why not. I've been to a Baha'i temple, Mosques, Hindu temples, Shuls, Catholic churches, why not, right?
Dude, it was a mega church with those huge ass screens in a ginormous room that could fit at least 800 people, probably more. It was like a Joel Osteen kind of church. It was terrifying to witness 😭
I've known people who've been to fire and brimstone churches too and I just...I fear for them, I really do. :(
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u/hotbox_inception 14h ago
unfortunately a homophobic christian will just have a separate carve out: either one of the verses from the old testament or back to "you're defiling gods creation"
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u/minorbipedal 14h ago
The sin is consuming “secular” forms of media that are “of the world” or “worldly” aka anything that is not aligned with their version of WASP Edit: WASP may not be the best term to use here, maybe it’d be better to say their version of Abrahamic religion
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 14h ago
OMG, so anything not evangelical church related is sinful. News. Television. Streaming Entertainment. All of it. That is just crazy. (thanks for explaining)
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 14h ago
eek. thanks for chiming in. All this anti-empathy talk that is starting to bubble up in culture is really worrying me. We should care for each other. We should care for someone else who is struggling. We should have an idea of what their pain is and do what we can to help.
Empathy is everything. I believe that if you don't have empathy, then you aren't human. I'll love you anyway, but I will oppose you.
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u/Specific-Ocelot3711 14h ago
F all them for making silly assumptions, spreading rumors and being cruel to an imaginative kid.
It's a very small silver lining to at least find out why it happened. I still have no idea why I was shunned in my youth... I guess I was a bit sheltered and shy, which was only magnified by continuing failed attempts to build any kind of real friendships, but who isn't shy and awkward at times as a kid/teen?!?
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u/Afraid-Record-7954 9h ago
I'm so sorry. I don't think you were treated badly because they thought you're gay, I think they treated you badly because they're idiots.
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u/jerrybec cPTSD 15h ago edited 15h ago
Wow. I'm sorry. I actually am gay and was closeted growing up. I basically avoided everyone if there wasn't a school-related reason to interact with them. Like, I was drum major (gay) and student body president (questionable). I never got shit from anyone for being gay because as far as I knew, no one had a clue. But I knew the gay kids who did get shit and were bullied. And I am embarrassed to admit I avoided all of them. I never participated in the bullying and name calling, but I didn't stand up for them either. I still carry that.
Being gay wasn't the only odd thing about me. Now I know how cPTSD was also impacting my behavior even then. I'm working hard on giving myself some grace and self compassion. I hope you can, too. You did nothing wrong and didn't deserve to be treated that way.
<EDIT: just did a small edit to clarify that I didn't get shit for being gay because no one knew I was gay.>
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u/Acceptable_Fall_7257 15h ago
Sorry for the long post I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest
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u/KennyFulgencio 14h ago
Obviously growing up/living in the south isn't at all directly analogous to a chicken in one of those factory farms.
But the comparison did come to mind.
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u/Fahimchughtai07 3h ago
Man, I'm really sorry you went through that. That sounds so painful, especially finding it out all at once like that and having all those old memories come back.
Nothing was wrong with you for liking what you liked. You were just a kid being yourself.
One thing that helped me a bit with stuff like this was just letting myself be around one or two people who actually get me, instead of trying to win over a whole group. Hope you find that too.
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u/anti-sugar_dependant 14h ago
TW: CSA
I had similar experiences except I knew why they didn't like me - they viewed me as a "homewrecker". I got groomed at 14/15 by a married man in his late 30s. Loads of adults knew, nobody protected me, they all acted like I was a grown adult and like I'd somehow seduced this married man. So these adults viewed me as a threat to their relationships and a threat to their children, my peers, because they thought I'd introduce them to sex or something. It's not any better when you know why they hate you. It's just shitty being a kid who the adults hate. I'm sorry you were one too. Neither of us deserved the treatment we got.