r/CPTSD • u/Ok_Sky_5190 • 10h ago
Vent / Rant My mother subscribes to a form of social Darwinism, whereas I believe that kindness is more important than intelligence. She, however, argues that the reason I was abused during my childhood is precisely because I was too kind.
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u/Marikaape 10h ago
...and the reason she'll die bitter and lonely is because she's not kind?
Not that I subscribe to social Darwnism, but if we're going to play that game: Humans are a social and cultural species. Being able to build and maintain good relationships and to function in a community is arguably more adaptive for survival than IQ.
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u/Callidonaut 7h ago edited 7h ago
Trying to apply social Darwinism (which is a BS perversion of actual Darwinian theory anyway) in a parenting context is extra-crazy. A developing child will always be orders of magnitude weaker than his or her parent, so it's just a blank cheque for a shitty parent to always be able to "justify" 24/7 physical and emotional abuse because they are in a position of superiority.
Of course, it's also a double-edged sword; that same demented logic also means that in her world-view, you'd be perfectly justified in treating your mother like crap once she's old and weak. I strongly suggest you do not do this, because you're a better person than her and do not subscribe to such nonsense (just consider going low-contact or no-contact, as appropriate), but it might be a neat rhetorical point to get her to shut up about it, should you need one.
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u/Unicorn_Survivor23 9h ago
No. Your mom is a predator. Your kindness is a gift. Intelligence means nothing, sometimes the “smartest” people are the most deluded.
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u/Ok_Sky_5190 9h ago
She always says I’m wrong, and I have no desire to argue—she doesn’t love me.
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u/marmia124 5h ago
She may be saying that to protect you so you learn to take actions against the wrongs. Turn those f ers in.
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u/Unicorn_Survivor23 9h ago
You are right, she probably doesn’t have the capacity to love you. As hard as it is to hear that, it’s not your fault. It’s not that you aren’t lovable, it is that she is not capable of it. You have to be in touch with your feelings and your body in order to feel love. People like that (my mom included) view feelings and “love” as a weakness and for stupid, gullible people. It’s called psychopathy.
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u/ZquotientpZee 10h ago
"The reason why I abused you, a child, is your fault!!! You were too kind!!!!" Absolutely demented
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u/equivettech26 10h ago
I mean I was undiagnosed autistic and very empathetic but, WHAT?????
It doesn’t matter if I was fucking mother Teresa, the adults job was to not take advantage of my kindness and treat me like a normal human being??? Also, to teach me boundaries so I can learn how to recognize people who try and take advantage of my empathy. To teach me how to read intent and “between the lines” (because my brain does not understand that).
Being smart about people’s intentions
(conscious and unconscious) is important (a skill parents should’ve taught) but true love and kindness will ALWAYS win. I’m so sorry that your own mother is trying to shame you for the gift of love and empathy that you have. It’s probably because her own was done the same way and it’s turned her heart into stone. It was and will never be your fault for how adults treated you.
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u/CalligrapherSharp 9h ago
Darwin came up with a specific idea about how traits develop in species, and Gilded Age assholes took it and pretended it justified eugenics. They were wrong then, and they're still wrong now.
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u/Greowulf 10h ago
Your mother is sick, and I hope you're out of that house at this point. 😢
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u/Ok_Sky_5190 10h ago
Almost there, almost there—but she won’t let me leave right now.
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u/Greowulf 10h ago
Are you in the U.S.? Let me know if you need resources to gtfo. They almost certainly exist if you're in the U.S. (though harder to find and/or use in Red states 😢 )
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u/celebratingfreedom 10h ago
If you are an adult, she can't make you stay (outside of guardianship situations). Focus on making enough money to afford living alone. If needed, just dont tell her until move day and don't tell her where you're going. This will likely get a negative reaction from her, so you might want to weigh the costs/benefits.
As someone who's no contact with my mother, I am glad I did it when I did and wish I could go back and do it earlier.
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u/AtelierCarouselTarot 8h ago
Sounds like your mother is in the narcissistic spectrum. They can't think empathy. It's not a philosophical preference. Their brains literally can't think it. She has no idea how that works and can only judge superficially from what she as seen in movies or read in books. It'sher own CPTSD. They don't call it multigenerational trauma for nothing.
Not an excuse for her behaviour, but we can't jump into the lion den and ask the lion what it thinks about why humans get eaten. Well, we can of course but there's not much sense in it.
If anything narcissists should not be allowed to raise children unsupervised. But its going to take another 1000 years and the next cataclysmic humanity reset event to make us, as a specious not ruled by CPTSD any more, so that there is once again more healthy than broken people. Right now, the broken people set the standards and all the rules, and run all politics. They get to make up how things should be.
They don't subscribe to anything, they are just broken and reduced to an animal like state of mind, where everything that makes us human, empathy, rationality, dignity, are reduced or eliminated, depending on how severe their CPTSD is.
It's a waste of time to try to reason with a broken person.
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u/Wednesdayspirit 9h ago
Sounds like she’s projecting because she knows she should have protected you / educated you more about dangers. That’s a parent’s job, not the child’s.
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u/According-Ad742 6h ago
Well you know, her argument IS abuse. That’s a load of gaslighting for you. Put the blame on you. A child. Still willing to retraumatise you with that BS. That’s your abuser right there.
Also, this article I read today puts the finger on something in regards to this. Reason is only reasonable when it aligns with the receivers needs and that’s why we can’t reason with abusers because they don’t have our needs in mind. It’s easy when you see it.
I’m so sorry you have to experience all that <3 Thank you for sharing!
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u/_jamesbaxter 9h ago
Flip the argument on its head. Was it because you were too kind, or she was too unkind?
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u/DamageFuzzy4691 6h ago
Please go no contact with your mother.
What a villain, and I hope she suffers from bad karma.
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u/marmia124 5h ago
No people are too cruel. Not your fault it's their fault all the time. Not your fault not your problem. They are to blame period.
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u/marmia124 5h ago
Your mother probably ment it in a way to help. She would rather you speak up against it for your protection. Its never your fault though. Take action against it report it say stop!
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u/varveror 10h ago
One of the craziest explanations for abuse I‘ve heard.