r/DementiaHelp • u/Inside-Classic-2693 • 4d ago
I need advice
My neighbor has been recently wandering over to my house and I wasn’t understanding what she was speaking about. It was all random and almost incoherent and she seemed genuinely confused. The first time it happened she stayed for a while and then walked back home, but she came over again today, once in the morning, crying about how her husband was going crazy and needed help. When I went with her back to her house, he was calmly watching tv and she seemed to forget she brought me there. She seemed happy and told me to make myself at home. That’s when he mentioned that she has been dealing with dementia for a year and it was getting really bad. She came over in the dark tonight and my husband went over to his house to let him know she was gone. He had been asleep and didn’t realize she left. We live in the country and she walked about 5 minutes in the complete dark. I asked him if he needed help or resources and he said he was fine but I am getting really worried and don’t know what to do when she shows up randomly. I don’t want to upset her or let things escalate while not knowing how to handle it. Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/One_Rooster8235 2d ago
We put an alarm on grandma’s door that rang if she opened the door. That might help your neighbor.
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u/One_Rooster8235 2d ago
We put an alarm on grandma’s door that rang if she opened the door. That might help your neighbor.
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u/peicatsASkicker 2d ago
He is possibly overwhelmed and ignorant of what is needed to meet her changing needs. He needs help even if he cannot articulate or understand it.
If she comes again, take her straight to the ER and tell them what you witnessed and observed, ask them do a neurology workup for the lady. It could be small strokes, brain bleed or a fall unbeknownst to him and now she has a TBI? It can easily be more complicated. Don't let them send her home without an evaluation by a neurologist, & imaging. you may need to say she is recently not thriving, behavior has changed, is vulnerable (report her remarks and behavior), you are worried she may have fallen. And you are worried he is overwhelmed and exhausted and needs helpers to care for her. Probably don't say this in front of him, be discreet. This may require some finesse perhaps.
She told you he was crazy, and then behaved normal in front of him, so don't completely rule out some abuse. You are not the one to decide what is happening. He may also have dementia!
This evaluation will probably keep her for a day or two in the hospital til they can see a neurologist who will probably should order an MRI or imaging that would reveal stroke or bleeding & who can sort out what medical treatment her kind of dementia is needed. Make sure a hospital social worker gets involved to help her get the services are qualified for.
This is not just drop her off at the ER. This is a couple of days or more of being involved. She keeps coming to you because she feels something is wrong.
Some families are not able to care for dementia patients despite being willing. There is a learning curve.
If he is asleep and she is leaving that she is vulnerable to predation by people or animals, and falls. He needs a helper to come. He probably can't do it alone and is exhausted.
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u/ike7177 4d ago
Other than keeping her calm and helping her get home safely again there really isn’t much else. If her husband is approachable you may be able to assist him in putting some cameras on his doors so in the future he knows exactly what time she left and what she was wearing. Maybe some audible chimes to alert him when she goes out one but that’s about all.