What have you silently accepted in your relationship?

[u/lilmissbored2]

I've been with my guy for a long time, and I love him to death, but lately I've been thinking about all the little things I've just learned to live with. I think the biggest one for me is always feeling like I'm the one who has to put in the effort to keep the romance alive. I'm the one suggesting date nights, planning things for us to do, initiating the deeper conversations. And don't get me wrong, my partner is great in so many ways, but sometimes I just want to feel like he is excited to spend time with me without having to ask. I miss feeling pursued, I guess?... The worst part is that I feel guilty even complaining about it because I know there are ppl dealing with far worse. My partner isn't a bad person, and I'm not unhappy in my relationship. I just sometimes wish I could feel that same effort coming back my way. :(

[u/Dead0Pixels]

Idk I think keeping the romance alive is a pretty big issue. Feeling that is very important and it needs to go both ways

[u/takealookatthesehand → u/Dead0Pixels]

Yeah exactly I was going to say “washing bath mats completely separate from all other laundry” and then I read the post and I was like oh no

[u/sagew0lf → u/takealookatthesehand]

lol right… mine is “he talks to me about football as though I understand what he’s talking about and I just pretend to understand so I don’t feel dumb.” not… all of that.

[u/mango_marlaine]

if it’s important to you, it should be important to him

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/mango_marlaine]

You're right.

Life's just been so hectic lately with work and family that it seems silly to bring up in the chaos

[u/mango_marlaine → u/lilmissbored2]

I get that! but maybe the chaos is making you crave the connection. hang out with him to spend time, and mention what’s bothering you another day

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/mango_marlaine]

Tysm 🥺

[u/Thedailyvegetable]

My husband tends to leave his jackets or sweaters on the couch or hung on a chair when the coat closet is 2-4 feet away. It annoys me and I normally put it away myself.

The other day I had the genius idea of turning it into a joke and told him:
“I’ve got a crush on this guy. But he’s really weird. He is SO cute. He doesn’t like chairs feeling cold. He thinks they shiver in the morning.. the afternoon… at night… he puts these wittle jackets on every single chair so they don’t get cold. I don’t know what to do because it’s weird but I REALLY like the guy.. look, he’s at it again” points at the couch and all the dining chairs with a jacket on them.

We laughed so hard, and there was one less jacket this weekend and he goes to mostly put them away now.

[u/str8edge_skeever → u/Thedailyvegetable]

Evil genius

[u/Thedailyvegetable → u/str8edge_skeever]

My mother and I call it “the Shamu” which is when you use positive reinforcement to influence your significant other. In this case it was laughter. Beware because it goes both ways and I also have been shamu-ed

[u/Significant-Gift-241]

The only thing I’ve accepted is that sometimes I’m the one in the wrong.

That one was difficult.

[u/mdbx3 → u/Significant-Gift-241]

Same here. I’ve been the emotional intelligent one for most of my relationships. But with my current boyfriend its pretty equal. It’s a mirror for my own behavior and it’s difficult with accepting that yes, I can be the one in the wrong…

[u/Significant-Gift-241 → u/mdbx3]

This! Exactly this.

[u/xomissblonde → u/Significant-Gift-241]

I have also struggled with this very same thing a lot. I get very frustrated when I’m proven to be wrong about a topic. I have to reign my anger in and remember that being wrong doesn’t make me stupid.

I used to be made to feel stupid in my adolescence and I am very very bad at losing. My partner has been through a lot with me when playing video games together lol

I have also had to accept that I don’t enjoy eating meals with others due to my severe misophonia.

[u/PrestigiousGas3420 → u/Significant-Gift-241]

omg i relate so much, I almost used to think that by admitting that I am wrong and he is right, I am somehow doing a disservice to feminism LOL. I've had to do a lot of reflection on how I perceive relationships now that I'm with an equal partner

[u/Wooden-Limit1989 → u/Significant-Gift-241]

Oh I get you there

[u/michiness → u/Significant-Gift-241]

And after you fume and sulk and come to that conclusion, you have to apologize.

Heck. Sometimes you have to apologize just to keep the peace because it’s such a small dumb thing.

[u/Ok_Interaction1267]

Did you talk with him about that?

The only thing I can think of are his used socks on the ground.

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/Ok_Interaction1267]

Not in so many words.. I think i need to again and let him know how important it is to me.

I just feel like we're in a rut right now because work and life has just been so hectic

[u/Aqueraventus → u/lilmissbored2]

You have to communicate things like that if you want them to change… be very direct

[u/Money-Brick7917 → u/lilmissbored2]

A relationship is hard work, especially if you have been together for a while. He should not get comfortable and put the same effort, in keeping the flame alive, as you do. It gets more important, the longer you are together. I hope he can respond to your needs.

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/Money-Brick7917]

You're right.

We've been together for almost 10yrs and I thought it might just be the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, since life has gotten chaotic lately. I know if i talk to him he'll make an effort to do so but it feels ridiculous to ask for a date night amidst the chaos.

(After reading most of your replies i understand this is not a ridiculous need/want from my partner)

[u/Ok_Interaction1267 → u/lilmissbored2]

My husband used to never plan a Date. I sat him down and talked about how that makes me feel. He told me, why he Never did it. Now he plans a lot of Dates.

You are still two people, individuell human beings. You have to talk really much.

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/Ok_Interaction1267]

Hes very receptive to my needs... i just need to realize this is a need and put my big girl panties on and talk to him

[u/Ok_Interaction1267 → u/lilmissbored2]

I know how hard it is to start such conversations. But it will make you so much closer. I wish you two all the best🫶🏻

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/Ok_Interaction1267]

Tysm 🥺🫂

[u/hugepenis420]

you sound unhappy girl. pls dont lie to urself for this boy

[u/QuietWalk2505 → u/hugepenis420]

That's got me thinking too. He should put effort too..not just OP :/

[u/sputnik8125]

I've absolutely never silently accepted anything.

My partner loves me and I love him. Both of us love each other enough to have those hard convos and are able to grow together

[u/wheres_the_revolt → u/sputnik8125]

Yeah same, except maybe how he opens resealable bags (hint: like a fucking caveman), and tbh I have made fun of him for that but like we don’t have to have a serious conversation about it because it’s not a big deal.

[u/stripesonthecouch → u/sputnik8125]

❤️

[u/BicyclingBabe]

You shouldn't feel guilty about bringing up your needs to your partner. "I need to connect with you more often." is not being ungrateful for what you have. An inability to be honest with your partner is a MUCH bigger problem than having to ask for more time together. If you don't learn to approach, you'll simply grow further apart.

[u/Lumen91]

"There are people dealing with far worse", girl, we aim for the best we can get, why are we using the worst as a point of comparison? 🫠 I don't mean to be rude, but you sound like you're trying to convince yourself that "it's not that bad" 🫤

[u/Helpful_Character167]

That my husband is a random gift giver not a holiday gift giver. The calendar is completely irrelevant.

I have not gotten a Christmas or birthday gift from him which sounds insane. But he will randomly decide to book us a vacation, he has gifted me jewelry on days with no significance, he will bring home treats or flowers whenever he feels like I need it, he'll come home with steaks to grill for dinner on a random Tuesday. I am very well loved by this man and anyone can see it.

My point is that your man should make you feel loved. However he goes about it, it should be deeply meaningful to you and leave no doubts in your mind. Your guy is not putting in effort that resonates with you and that is a problem.

[u/No_Trash_5463 → u/Helpful_Character167]

Yesssss I commented above that gift giving is my favorite thing to do and how I show love and appreciation, but it is also almost never tied to a holiday. Your Christmas gift, which I began planning in July, will make its way to you in February. Now I mostly just give my partner a gift when I feel like it, and call it a "(fill in the blank with the closest holiday) gift"

[u/Longjumping_Lynx_685]

I have learned it’s ok to want someone who enthusiastically wants to be with you. There are men out there who will want to enthusiastically be with us.

[u/white-as-styrofoam]

i’ve accepted that he’s just gonna keep being nice to me forever and always??? and respecting my boundaries and asking about my feelings???? i don’t understand this, but i accept it

[u/PocketCatt]

That sometimes he will leave his shoes on the doormat for me to trip over. In turn he has accepted that when this happens I will hide one of said shoes on top of the fridge. One minor annoyance begets another. Actually he does it a lot less now because he associates the doormat with shoes on the fridge and it helps him remember not to do it most of the time

Your thing isn’t small, OP :(

[u/Kwhitney1982]

Be careful getting advice on Reddit. People will automatically tell you to dump him. I have a wonderful husband but he’s a quiet type and isn’t going to sit around having deep conversations. It’s just not his thing. He’s not overly analytical like me. For a little while I thought I wanted that in a partner but now I realize I’ve dated all the “deep” passionate guys. And they were awful in basically every other way. I like my strong quiet guy who shows love by actions (ie, checking my oil/car before I go on a trip, bringing snacks when we go to a park, buying me a heated blanket for winter), as opposed to some guy who lays with me and has philosophical conversations and tells me I’m hot but doesn’t do anything for me that’s not sex related. My suggestion is to just tell him you would like to go on more dates to stay connected to him.

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/Kwhitney1982]

THANK YOU!

I was starting to think my relationship was the outlier lol I believe its just the natural ebb and flow of a long term relationship so I just need to put my big gurl panties on and talk to him.

[u/Beginning-Damage-555 → u/lilmissbored2]

Yeah I’m seconding the commenter above. My husband has his own weird stuff. Ex: we moved 10mo ago. His office is a horrifying array of god knows what. I can’t even help him organize because it’s guitars, sound equipment, important documents, a mini fridge, awards he’s won, more speakers and amps… I have no clue about any of it

We’ve been in a funk recently but got the hazardous ocean conditions calmed down a few days ago and we took the dogs for a nice mini reset.

Sometimes when I get frustrated about certain things that are just him being him I think about all the weirdo things I do that are just me being me.

[u/TelephoneExpert7559]

I think the biggest thing is that my partner is NOT me. We have differences- ways we clean, things we like done in a certain way, how much alone time we need, etc.

I think the "worst" thing is that we always eat chicken thighs, and I grew up eating the breast. My partner doesn't like breast meat, so I have accepted every time we make chicken at home, it's gonna be how it's been. And it's good, just not what im used to. Also my partner hates chipotle, so if i ever want chipotle, it has to be a lone venture 😂

[u/silifien]

I don’t have many complaints because my partner is overall wonderful, doting, and reliable.

But he’s also extremely stoic and doesn’t show much emotion. In one sense it makes him a very grounded person, even in emergencies or hard times he stays levelheaded and steady. On the other hand, I wish I knew what he was feeling. He’s just not very emotionally expressive at all. I know he loves me because he shows it through actions but it’s like I just have to guess at and come to my own conclusions about the depth of his feelings because he doesn’t show any outward passion. Or, when I talk to him about things that affect me emotionally, he doesn’t reflect any emotionality back at me so I don’t really get the experience of commiserating with him.

When is he happy? When is he sad? When is he mad? I just don’t know! And it makes it hard for me to feel connected to him at times. Like I don’t really know him as well as he knows me.

So I’ve just resigned myself to be like, well he treats me well and is consistent, so I’m just gonna continue to be myself and he can be himself and it’ll just be fine and go on like that until there are any real problems.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

2 quick steps:

1. If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
2. Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.

That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕

[u/stripesonthecouch]

Nothing, I am free and do not have to deal with any man’s crap❤️

[u/unicorntrees]

There's no settling down without settling for. No one is perfect for anyone. We all round our 6.5 partners to perfect 10s. We all have to accept things about our choice of partner.

However, we get to decide what we will settle for. Does the good outweigh the bad? Are you willing to live with this feeling for the rest of your life? You can answer no.

However, I don't think you need to silently settle. You should bring up your feelings to your partner. Maybe he puts an effort into changing. Maybe he succeeds, but don't feel betrayed if he doesn't.

[u/Available_One_2978]

Uh, nothing. We communicate openly and often and i have a lot of clarity on his emotions and perspectives. We are able to have conversations when one feels disappointed in how the other showed up. We both apologize for things sincerely and reassure the other and repair. No one is ever right or wrong, and we prioritize our partnership over our egos. Is it always perfect and happy? No. But we always make sure the other one feels seen and heard when we have capacity.

[u/RoleUnfair318 → u/Available_One_2978]

That’s wonderful, I hope I have a relationship like this one day

[u/PitifulEcho5163]

What you choose to accept is a reflection of your self esteem. What you choose to accept will get worse because people can be opportunistic pathogens, so once you accept bare minimum, it goes downhill from there. Personally, I don’t accept subpar anymore because I’ve seen what happens when you let things fly and I know what I deserve

[u/Negative-Inspector36]

Nothing. I’m not putting up with anything I don’t like or personally want. A partner should make your life easier and better not more stressful and complicated. Also don’t self sabotage and gaslight yourself that you’re doing some small nonsense. You’re spending a HUGE DISPROPORTIONATE amount of mental effort to keep your relationship afloat. Think about it. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with you and why do you have to ask for his attention? Does he even like you at all?

[u/JellyCatCanDo]

I feel the exact same way. Lately, if I don't plan it it doesn't happen. I'm a last minute choice when he's perfectly capable of planning weeks in advance with his friends.

[u/WarInitial5361]

How old are you? How long have you been together?

This is not the kind of thing you should be asking for; if it doesn't naturally, it won't come when asked.

You only gotta decide if you're willing to spend the rest of your life with someone that is not that excited about you. Do you prefer to feel lonely while in a relationship or while single? Chose wisely 

[u/AnalysisFearless8613]

Respect yourself

[u/Glittering_Joke3438]

Nothing, I am very loud about the things I don’t accept 😅

Actually no. Sometimes he puts salt on the food I make before he even tastes it and it used to piss me off to no end, but it’s truly a reflex after growing up with his parents cooking so I just keep my mouth shut.

[u/Antique_Cicada_7117 → u/Glittering_Joke3438]

literally this. women and men need to stop accepting the bare minimum from their partners. a relationship is hard work and if one doesn’t want to put in the work then respect yourself and walk away.

[u/Brullaapje]

I know there are ppl dealing with far worse

And therefore you have to settle for less?

[u/Hamchalupasupreme]

Nothing. Lolol he’s going to learn to come correct no matter how small the issue is

[u/I_Dont_Speak_Anymore]

Nothing. I make it very clear I have zero tolerance. My boyfriend fucked around once and found out. He will not fuck around again.

[u/blossbluu]

I haven’t. We talk if either of us have something we are unhappy about. Healthiest, happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. 5 years strong now.

[u/bravo-echo-charlie → u/blossbluu]

I love this for you!!! As a stranger on the internet whose opinion means diddlysquat, just know I love hearing this and am genuinely happy for you. Cheers to 5 more years!

[u/Swallowedoxygen]

Talk to him. Communicate. Men are encouraged to be lazy in marriages by (patriarchal) societal standards and you deserve better treatment.

But don't feel guilty. You're doing nothing wrong by wanting and EXPECTING equal effort. So tell him how you feel and give him the chance to put the effort in, even if it pains me that he has to be reminded and isn't doing it by default.

I have been with my wife for 15 years this December. Yesterday she bought me flowers for no reason at all. They were delivered with the groceries and she snuck them into the house without me noticing. When she gave them to me, I squealed and demanded she take a photo with me, and them.

And then she said, "that smile is why I bought them."

Marriages take ongoing work to keep healthy and that work has to come from both sides.

[u/EngineeringAntique]

I mean, relationships have seasons but you should tell him you want to feel pursued. My husband and I have been married over a decade and we still chase each other.

My silent acceptance that this man will forget to put his sweaty smelly gym clothes straight in the washer instead of the hamper. He silently accepts that I absolutely forget to put a box in the recycling, I’ll leave it on top of the garbage can to remember later and I still forget. We both try but we’re not perfect.

[u/savvy-librarian]

I have silently accepted that my husband is a freak that loves to wear shoes AT ALL TIMES EXCEPT WHEN SLEEPING and that I'm never going to get him to stop wearing shoes in the house. So now he has a dedicated pair of "house shoes".

Thats it. Thats the list.

[u/ashinthealchemy]

i wasn't silent about it, but i have accepted it. my partner doesn't love me now and never has. but he's safe and i have no other emergency contact. it took me about four years to accept that's it's a transactional situation, but i'm making a conscious choice at this point.

[u/lilmissbored2 → u/ashinthealchemy]

Oh honey, no. My struggles are more of the natural ebb and flow that comes with being in a long term relationship. My man is a good man who loves me, and I know that if I communicated how I was feeling, he would make an effort to change things. I'm realizing that I'm the one holding myself back from having that conversation.

But your situation breaks my heart a little. I really hope you don't mistake accepting something for believing it's all you deserve. 🫂🤍

Edit - typos

[u/ashinthealchemy → u/lilmissbored2]

nah, i'm an oldie. it's essentially strategic at this point. he's a good man, it just isn't love. thank you for your sweet words, and i hope you find what you need. xo

[u/Green-Edge706]

That my husband has OCD and his need to clean is not at all a silent comment on my ability to clean. He just needs to do it for stress release and his OCD tendencies.

[u/Sea_Option330 → u/Green-Edge706]

...therapy?

[u/Green-Edge706 → u/Sea_Option330]

The stigma of the military seeking therapy runs deep.

[u/harleenquinzel044]

Absolutely nothing. I learned to stop settling.

[u/Swallowedoxygen → u/harleenquinzel044]

👏 👏 👏

[u/BintRebellion]

Passivity - stuff like speaking up for himself, speaking up for others, putting his foot down when something makes him genuinely uncomfortable, helping himself when he's struggling, etc. It's more like I accept that it's going to be something I help him learn and walk through. It's a lot less for me than what I've accepted in the past, so it feels okay. I'm also no walk-in-the-park partner myself, so his passivity also reminds me to be patient, less overbearing, more teaching and helping him, since his passivity comes from religious & family trauma than like weaponized incompetence etc.

[u/Madam_Mimm_13]

Nothing. Ever. Married 10 years.

And he wouldn’t want me to.

[u/InvasiveBlackMustard]

He likes ChatGPT, AI, Elon Musk’s business “prowess”, and “educated influencers” like Andrew Huberman and Sam Harris. He listens to too many podcasts and repeats the “both sides” script a lot. His interests in technology are such that he’s more interested in the novelty and potential value than the realistic impacts and consequences of said technology on the public. It is definitely tech bro philosophy. 

  I quietly suspect his personal views and hobbies are shaped more by influential persons’ images than his own values. He is not educated but talks to me like he is because the people he listens to have doctorates and clout. He does not weigh the biases of these people, nor the personal interests they may have when they push a certain idea or belief. He acts like he is in an in-group with them. 

However, I have not accepted these things silently. I have been quite vocal about my distaste for his daddies and his lack of strong values. 

[u/Dddddd92 → u/InvasiveBlackMustard]

Your mans is in a pseudo relationship with tech bros lol

[u/sincerely0urs]

That he will leave his socks around and he’s not as good at loading a dishwasher as I am (but he does it!). That’s about it. Since that’s essentially his only flaws, I’ve come to accept it.

[u/Calm_Elderberry4144]

In my last one it was always just that he didn’t respect boundaries and would tell anyone and everyone all the ins and outs of our relationship, no matter how irrelevant, make me look bad then try to back track with everyone. The one before that was accepting that he didn’t see me as more than a sexy doll. I’m tired of men bro

[u/black_girl_academic]

Sorry you’re going through this, sis. As I’ve gotten older, one principle I live by is that I don’t engage in or uphold one-sidedness in relationships. This could be friendships or romantic connections. If I sense that I am carrying the relationship on my back, I release my effort and let it fall to pieces. And if the other person doesn’t move to repair or rebuild then I can rest in the certainty that they are not my people. as women we truly have to stop accepting bare minimum in relationships. We are deserving of care and effort and intentionality. I think you should talk about with your partner. Then relinquish your efforts in that regard and put the ball in your partner’s court.

[u/too_much_mascara]

I’m no longer forcing myself to accept anything that is not in alignment with my worth.
If you would like him to plan dates, I suggest telling him explicitly - this is what I want. Give him opportunity to meet your wants. Maybe he is oblivious to this - so make clear. Then you will know if it’s an issue of willingness.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

2 quick steps:

1. If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
2. Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.

That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕

[u/sorryipeed]

you should explain this to him and give him examples of how you want to be pursued. gently remind him a few times after. if he isnt recognizing your needs are jot being met that is your sign to determine if you are willing to deal with it or not. if it makes you feel down i believe you can find someone who makes you feel up

[u/ChesapeakeNettle]

I mean, I accept my husband for who he is. We are both flawed human beings. We both have ADHD, we both have anxiety, we both have a history of depression. We're both treated and well-managed, but still go through rough spots as individuals. We kind of pick up each other's slack in those times.

That being said, any time either of us has communicated that something is important to us, the other has listened and made the effort. Have you told your husband that you want him to do some of the planning, that you want him to contribute to the emotional labor that's required to maintain your marriage?

[u/saracha6272]

silently accepted? only that i actually am wrong sometimes. but i have actually not silently accepted complacency, im actually really loud about not wanting that in my relationship. i suggest you do the same op !! tell him what you need from him and if he provides it then hes a keeper

[u/Connect-Exchange-543]

Lots of stuff! He leaves the chip bags open and it makes them get stale quicker. Football season rules the biggest TV for months. He likes metal concerts so he goes often, I don’t like crowds and get sleepy by like 8:30.

However, the lack of effort in romance would make me sad. He spontaneously pulls me away for making out, makes me dinner, surprises me with little prizes, drives me everywhere, over all I feel very loved. It’s not a fairytale or anything but I can feel he values our relationship and family, always.

Have you talked to him about it? Some guys think it’s a money thing but making someone feel appreciated costs nothing— a loving text and wildflowers goes a long way.

[u/ZetaWMo4]

30 years married as of yesterday and the man refuses to use the hooks by the door for his keys. He prefers to look for them everyday I guess. He used to ask me to help him find them everyday but I put an end to that. I told him “Just because you shove your keys up your ass at night and forget to shit them out in the morning is not my fucking problem”. He quit asking me about them but he still refuses to use the hooks.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

2 quick steps:

1. If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
2. Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.

That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕

[u/jojopriceless]

Stop planning the romance and initiating the deep convos and see what happens.

[u/Goddess-era-Unlocked]

We'll be married 4 years soon, and I feel like I've just woken up from a deep coma.

All my life I've been in D/s dynamics, and this relationship was the first where that wasn't the case. I accepted vanilla (nothing wrong, just not for me.) I accepted a love language that isn't mine. I've accepted less than what I expect and desire on every aspect.

Not just sexual, but attention wise, bonding wise, intellect wise, personality wise. I've suddenly come to realize I've been accepting too many things, and I feel stupid for having been doing that.

I neglected my own priorities, and will now be focusing more on myself, to heal what I feel like I lost.

[u/Icy-Safe2243]

I’ve accepted not to expect anything, whether that be good or bad :(. I’ve been disappointed so many times over. I get how you feel, it’s not the worst relationship, but you know it could be better.

[u/funkycIown]

Keeping the romance alive is a big issue imo, not saying he’s a pos and u need to break up with him, just that romance in a relationship is a big deal maybe not for everyone but if it is for u then it should be for him, I’ve had the same problem in my relationship and ended up js accepting that my gf will never show me the kind of love I needed and stopped trying, and now she suddenly wants romance in the relationship again after I’ve already given up on it and it’s a rlly big problem we’re having. Don’t let it get to that point, I know communicating is rlly hard but it is always worth it in the end, sacrificing your needs for somebody will never end well. U deserve to feel wanted by ur partner 

[u/lghtknife]

this is part of why i left my partner of three years a few months ago. when we’re the only ones trying to keep things romantic OP, it gets draining. its exhausting. it hurts you in more ways than you even realize until after the fact. be kind to yourself and try to have a convo w your partner about this! do NOT get complacent

[u/ceciliabee]

The "worst" I've accepted is that my husband doesn't like weed even though I do. Or I dunno, he likes dad shoes, i like skate shoes. Small things that really don't matter.

Feeling like you're they only one keeping the romance alive sounds really difficult ♥️

[u/International-Fee255]

That my house will never be tidy again. Clean yes, because he does understand dirty, but out away is beyond him

[u/SageKitty100]

If you're always planning everything, then he has no room to step up and do that. Talk to him about how you feel and suggest you taking a break from planning and give him space to step up and do it. Then you'll have the truth of whether he wants to do it and puts in the effort to step up, or if he doesn't.

[u/burntout_confused]

That my partner will always suffer from BED and I can't do much about it. I've just accepted his cycles, it's part of him and I love him nonetheless

[u/TheForestHag]

That he has shutdowns emotionally when he becomes overwhelmed. He's actively working on them and he's put in an immense amount of effort to not do that with me...but he's not perfect.

The entire rest of the relationship is very loving, and affectionate, and fun, and sexy, and kind, he's intensely loyal and adores me, I have never been so certain that a man loved me, and I was married for 17 years... so I accept this frustration is going to be my ongoing battle with him, he's pushing 50, its not just gonna get fixed in totality. As far as flaws go, the consequences of this one are pretty low compared with what I've experienced in the past and my reactions to his shutdowns are my responsibility to manage seeing as I've decided to accept them.

[u/Candycanes02]

Him being vegan and I being an avid lover of animal products 😅 the overlap of restaurants we both can be satisfied with is slim af. That’s pretty much the only thing

[u/WarInitial5361]

Non-consensual sex, to put it softly. Been divorced for five years, don't miss a single moment of my marriage.

Edit: I responded to the title only. I talked about your story in another comment.

[u/bisexual_pinecone]

I felt that way about my last relationship. We broke up and now we are both much happier and fulfilled. We ended up staying friends, it has been three years and he is married and I have been taking time to focus on myself (I have a long-term fuck buddy who is also choosing not to date right now, we joke that we are each other's emotional support perverts). I would prefer to be in a relationship than be single, but I'm still a lot more at peace and feel more loved and valued than I did in my last relationship. Being in my last relationship was like eating cotton candy when you're starving - it was sweet and fun but it wasn't nourishing or sustaining me. In the past I've had codependency issues. I have often been the mom friend in my platonic relationships and then ended up dumping the majority of my own emotional support needs on my partner and maybe ONE friend. So I've been making an effort to reach out to more of my close friends for emotional support more frequently. It has been really good for me and really good for my friendships, and I think building these habits is going to be really good for avoiding codependency in my next serious romantic relationship.

[u/Typical2sday]

Certainly, some dudes are lazy and coast, and others show love in other ways. It's important to find the distinction.

As silly as it may sounds, you probably would benefit from looking up Love Languages. Obviously, it was a concept pushed to sell a book, but it does make salient that how people show interest and care for their partner, and what they expect from their partner vary. You believe romance = date nights, plans, deep conversation. He may not. He would also probably object that you don't spend time together... just that he doesn't plan for you to spend time together in a place with $30 roast chicken.

OR... he's so used to you planning, he figures either why bother or if I suggest something, she'll just change it anyways.

Getting better at communicating what you want and what he wants is relationship maintenance. That's just titration. If he's legit not pulling his weight, put him on notice.

[u/Swallowedoxygen → u/Typical2sday]

Love languages were a concept invented by a deeply patriarchal Baptist minister that encourages deeply unequal gendered interactions like men's sexual touch and women's acts of domestic service being regarded as equivalent expressions of love.

Studies have also never found that matching "love languages" leads to any kind of increase in relationship satisfaction.

It's literally just misogynistic pseudoscience.

[u/No_Trash_5463 → u/Swallowedoxygen]

Yes. I do think there's value in identifying the ways that we like to be shown we're loved/appreciated, but I don't like the "love languages" verbiage for all the reasons given here. But, for example, I absolutely love giving gifts. I will spend days working on the most absurdly intricate, detailed, personalized gifts for people I love. It makes me happy and I think it makes them happy. So one might assume that receiving gifts is important to me, and it is not. At all. But that is really a convo that should always be happening as a general likes/dislikes/what matters to me type of thing in a relationship.

[u/Typical2sday → u/Swallowedoxygen]

Fine. I’m not supporting the specific book or the number five or certainly not the foundation. Whatever you want to call it, people have different things they value and expect from a partner to feel loved and cared for. There is not one way to be with another human partner much less across genders, and realizing that sooner than later is better. And there are studies showing that such a concept is useful as a rubric for communicating their relationship wants/needs and is therapeutic. She may want to go to Olive Garden and he may be like, I drove you to work every day last week and put air in your tires and sat with your dying grandma, cut me some slack.

[u/Wooden-Limit1989]

My bf is not the best at understanding emotions sometimes. Mood swings and complicated feelings are difficult things for him to grasp but he tries to once I am not taking it out on him. He is mostly a logical person I guess.