r/IWantToLearn • u/Substantial_Fun_730 • 2d ago
Personal Skills IWTL how to move on even though the person that hurt me doesn't care that they hurt me and is still living a good life.
Basically, how do I move on knowing that the world's unfair and that this person that is a very bad person still gets to be happy without consequence.
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u/robindawilliams 2d ago
The person you love doesn't exist.
A person that looks and sounds like them exists, who doesn't feel the way you want them to, and doesn't behave the way you wish they did. The illusion is that these two people are the same, and they aren't.
Don't look at your ex like a person you weren't good enough for, look at them like an alien who is living inside the body of someone who is long gone like a freaky body snatcher. Did that person ever truly exist? Maybe, but maybe you put them on a pedestal and believed they were more compatible/loving than they ever really were.
Love is blinding, and it makes it easy for us to assume someone is perfect. This is a human response because we are programmed to co-exist with our partner for a lifetime, so we are able to slightly edit our reality by downplaying little annoyances and imperfections. The problem is when you let your brain go too far and blind yourself to the fundemental lack of a connection. You daydream your future with this person while completely ignoring if they are the same person in the present.
An alien hurt you, an alien that has taken the visage of the memory of a girl you loved. Now you need to step up and do the hard part in the alien movie, and recognize the lie so you can move on. You've seen their true form, they live but you've got the sunglasses and you can finally see who they really are when you concentrate. It's hard to reconcile but you need to constantly remind yourself SHE DOESNT EXIST in the real world the way she does in your mind. It's a lie.
Next, you need to hunker down and become the person that you know your perfect girl deserves. You gotta get healthy, get strong, work hard and be open to experiences that help her meet you. She isn't going to find and fix you because when she comes around you won't need fixing.
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u/smack89 2d ago
well said. when my ex of 10 years up and left 2 years ago because "theres just no spark anymore". i was absolutely gutted, an emotional pain so intense it felt physical, like i had never expeirenced. she wasnt wrong but it had only really been the last year or so that we grew apart and not so much,imo that i didnt think we couldnt reignite that spark again pretty quickly with alittle effort from both of us. up until that last year we were deeply in love but life got very busy and resposibilties changed us a bit. regardless, once i discovered a few monthes later that she had been cheating on me in the last few monthes of the relationship. it all made sense and i had that realization that the person i loved so much,that i would have died for, was no longer her. just an older better version of her. i dont think anyone was as happy as i was to find out they were cheated on. that news and realization was an instant release from the love i had for her and the grief i felt from her leaving me, like a weight off my shoulders. you may never fully feel right again. when you give someone a piece of you, if they leave your life you dont always get that peice back unfortunately so use this as a lesson. all the things you know you got wrong in the relationship, whether you admit it out loud or not you know and must correct for the future to grow.
it sucks when you find out the world is unfair but it always has been for so many reasons other than love lost. dont let that feeling change you, live your life inspite of the unfairness because in the end, this world and everyone in it doesnt owe you, myself or anyone else anything at all
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u/deane-barker 2d ago
My mother once told me that when we went through the divorce with my father, it would have been easier if my Dad had died instead. I wondered about this for a long time, and then I realized that if your partner dies, they died being in love with you. Their last breath was taken as your partner, and that means something, even if you have to live without them.
But if they break your heart, they proactively sever that connection. They go on without you. And that's what's so painful -- not so much that you have to live without them, but that they are so able to live without you.
I guess what I'm saying is that this feeling is normal and painful. While I know you want to move on, please let yourself grieve and mourn for this. To not do so, would be to pretend it isn't significant, which it is.
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u/brooklynrockz 2d ago
Forgiveness: Acknowledging that you cannot improve your past.
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u/Silvadil 2d ago
I would like to add onto this that forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you would accept them back in your life. The forgiveness is for you to feel better and not to dwell on their actions, not that you condem such actions and that they should be accepted without repention.
Also, this will take time, it is not a switch type of thing, you will probably remember something they did years later and still get a pang of anger, the difference is that you grow around that anger by being the bigger person. The opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference, that is what you seek.
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u/thatrando725 1d ago
People who hurt people do it because they’re deeply unhappy with their lives. Happy people don’t hurt people.
My ex hurt me really bad. He seems like he’s having a good life. I know he’s not. He’s just trying to fill the empty void inside of him and it’ll never work until he becomes a better person.
People create their own karma, good or bad. Sometimes you can help speed up the process a little bit, but usually you don’t have to.
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u/sloppyredditor 1d ago
Serenity/Courage/Wisdom. You cannot control others. They were a few pages in your book, & that character isn't part of the story anymore.
Couple questions looking inward: Are you stuck on this because you still care about/love this person? If that's the case, is it OK for them to be happy even if you're not part of it?
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u/eror_404 16h ago
Hey, just a pragmatic perspective: I mean, the love you felt was conditional because, at the same time, you had created an image of the person in your mind. You weren’t necessarily in love with who they really were, but with who you thought they were.
The best thing you can do is avoid looking at their social media, unfollow them everywhere, and, if you have mutual friends, I’d suggest keeping your distance from them for a while, too.
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u/heelface 2d ago
I just went through this. The only answer I found is time. However, time is eventually the answer.
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u/Substantial_Fun_730 2d ago
Dang sucks but I understand
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u/heelface 2d ago
The good news, is it does get easier eventually no matter what you just can't hurry it along.
I found meditaiton and exercise helped relieve things in the interim.
Also, for what its worth from an internet stranger, this sucks, and is difficult, and i'm sorry it happened to you.
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u/superhyooman 2d ago
Holding on to hate/pain is like you drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. In the end it’s only hurting you.
Forgiving them and moving on from the pain they caused you isn’t about giving them anything, but about setting yourself free from the pain you’re holding on to.
In the end, it’ll have to be a choice. Not an easy choice, but still a decision made by you to set yourself free.
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