I was previously engaged to someone for a year and he broke if off suddenly over ‘concerns of compatibility’ 2 months before the wedding. Turns out he had a non muslim ex who he had a child with. I found this out after through someone else and I’m not sure if he knows that I know.
Anyway it’s been a few months and my mum is driving me insane. She’s saying I need to just get married and move out she’s fed up I’m too old to live at home.
She would probably disown me if I moved out single.

Now the issue is she hasn’t shown me anyone since, my parents were very set on us not dating when we were younger but has now said she can’t find anyone just go find someone myself.
The only other boy she has shown me wanted a girl with a hijab which I don’t wear, when I said to her that wasn’t going to work she decided she can’t be bothered finding anyone else for me (she thinks I ruined that first engagement and I could’ve just made it work…). She also said that the only reason I ended up engaged to a man like that is because I must be a bad person (would just like to point out that she pressured me into saying yes by convincing me that there would be no one better as he was a doctor)

Now onto me finding someone. Not to be big headed at all but I’m pretty (lots of men approach me and lots of girls/family tell me this too) and have a good education/job. So realistically I should be able to find someone. But it’s so hard like she wants me to just start speaking to someone who approaches me on the street?? I don’t want to do that and I’m not on social media (again she was very strict on me not posting my face online) so I also won’t find someone like that.

What does she want me to do. I don’t want to speak to lots of men and people that come up to me when I’m out as I just would find that wrong - I’ve literally been taught this my whole life up until now. I also just think how am I supposed to know who has good intentions.

What am I supposed to do.
I’m also incredibly stressed out because my relationship with my mum is awful right now and she said the reason I won’t be happy in life or successful is because she’s unhappy with me so Allah will be unhappy with me.

Salam everyone,
I’m posting here because I am completely overwhelmed, in shambles, and desperately need honest advice, support, and guidance. I’ve been married for 5 years and we have two young children (Alhamdulillah).
I recently spoke to a local imam while in tears, but he brushed off my situation and simply said, *"As long as the bills are paid."* I know in my heart that his response was deeply unfair and ignored the severe issues in my household. When I reached out to my husband's family, they enabled him, believed his obvious lies, and blamed me for not cooking.
I feel completely gaslit, financially trapped, and emotionally drained. Here are the core facts of my situation:
**Activity& Risks:** My husband does not have a job. He smokes marijuana daily and runs an illegal grow house, which actually puts him in the negative financially. To make matters worse, I just discovered that property taxes on both our house and his grow property haven't been paid.
**Financial Recklessness & Neglect:** He gambled away $15,000 from his savings 1 year ago. In Islam, a husband is obligated to financially provide for his family, but he contributes nothing. I work full-time, while he spends his days high in the summer room.
**Infidelity:** I found women’s underwear in our house that isn't mine, so I know he has been cheating on me.
**Zero Domestic Help or Care:** I do everything for our children, get up with them, cook, and clean the entire house. He doesn't lift a finger—if he spills something, he leaves it. If I ask him for simple help (like bringing up laundry), he refuses, yet he rushes to help outside people.
**Sleep Schedule & Isolation:** We both go to sleep around 2:00 AM—me because I’m up late working - and him because he is getting high alone.
**Financial Trap:** I want to leave this marriage for the sake of my safety and my children, but I am not financially stable enough on my own yet.
I’m being emotionally abused and gaslit by a spouse who takes no responsibility as a husband or father. I need therapy to process this trauma, but right now I need practical advice from the community:
1. How can I safely prepare a financial exit plan when I'm currently working but struggling?
2. How should I navigate legal/custody risks considering his illegal activities and unpaid tax debt?
3. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation where religious leaders dismissed severe abuse and illegal behavior? How did you move forward?

Assalamualaikum guys,

I'm 20M and getting married to my soon-to-be fiancée (18F), InshaAllah. Honestly, I fell for her from the moment I met her, and my attraction towards her has only grown since then. I really admire how close she is to her deen and how emotionally mature she is (even though she denies it 😂).

We've both decided to stop communicating until our Nikkah, which will hopefully be in November/December. So the only time we really see each other is when our families meet to discuss wedding arrangements or when we go shopping together. This usually happens around twice a month.

The thing is, I find myself thinking about her quite a lot. Not in an inappropriate way, but more so imagining our life together after marriage, the little things we'll do, what life will be like, etc. The closer the Nikkah gets, the slower time seems to go 😭. And seeing all these shaddi / marriage reels on my FYP definitely doesn't help either.

I've also noticed that I've been trying to improve myself since meeting her. I've become more consistent with my prayers at the mosque especially at Fajr which I am most proud about, become more disciplined and generally tried to improve myself as a Muslim. I've also been putting more effort into my appearance (although I think I am).

My question is, am I getting too emotionally attached or too attracted to her before the Nikkah? I find myself missing her after every time we meet, and I even feel a little sad when we have to say goodbye, like I'm smiling but feel sad inside 😭

I know it's probably normal to feel this way, but I just wanted to hear other people's perspectives, especially from those who've been through something similar.

Side note I have a feeling I'm going to be the more clingy one in the marriage, and probably the one who loves harder 😂. Is that unattractive for the man to be like that in the relationship?

As-salamu Alaikum

About me:

- 32M, Yemeni, from Aden

- Practicing Muslim, simple and respectful

- Looking for simple Nikkah (no high mahr / big party)

- Serious for marriage, not chatting

- Open to relocate or bring wife to Yemen - open to any country

Looking for:

- 20-30, Muslimah, pious and family oriented

- Any nationality welcome - Yemeni, Saudi, Emirati, Egyptian, Moroccan, Indonesian etc

- Looking for halal marriage with wali involved

Please DM your bio if interested.

JazakAllah khair

So long story short I have very toxic mother and father and don’t like them however I’d like to get married but I’m only nearly 21 and working in construction recently and only make 21$hr but get raises frequently and a few years it will go to almost 40$hr. I’m explaining this because I need to have my own place if I’m gunna get married because there is no space in my current home and want privacy and actually start enjoying my time away from toxic people. And a very big major issue is that my mom never stops talking her and my father are loud mouths and can’t keep a secret and easy to minipulate information out of them if someone tried. I want to keep my marriage a complete secret on my side of the family and cousins because there is not a single person from my family or cousins I like they are all judgmental and disrespectful and don’t want them knowing anything I do with my life . I’m fine if we have a small wedding with her family but it would just be hers and not mine.and also do I just get married without my parents knowing when I’m ready? I don’t really care about my parents approval I’ll do it if it makes me happy and my wife doesn’t mind? If anyone has any advice on living situation and marriage and the secrets let me know please thank you.

Hi,

I have been talking to a guy for over 1.5 months. Since day one, he consistently text me everyday, no matter how busy he is (he does multiple jobs). He is physically attractive, on his deen, has good character and in general he is a really respectful person I have ever talked with. We both agrees on almost everything, e.g. our deal breakers, compromises, expectations etc. I as a woman, sometimes bring problems to him when I am feeling down, to which he handles them so intelligently without being rude, instead I find him so calm and understanding. During this entire time, he never argued with me like not even once He respects and appreciates me a lot about the way I think. To my shock, he never even once said anything inappropriate to me or being flirty, may be I just had horrible experiences in the past plus what I read on reddit about people’s experiences dealing with potentials. The most attractive thing I find in him is when he quotes Quranic verses and hadith in our normal conversations, like it just makes me cry, sometimes. I respect him so much and appreciate him a lot for everything he does and thank him.

Just to give you an idea that it’s not my obsession speaking. I will share one of his responses, when I told him I am open to polygamy if (God Forbid) I couldn’t bear his children in future, otherwise no. To which he responded the following, which literally made me🫠:

“If I ever want to have kids with my spouse it's because of my love for her, I want to have kids from her.
So here having and raising kids with her matters much more to me that just having kids. She will be the reason I'll think about the whole thing.”

Just a little background, I am 28F and he is 24M. We live in different continents and have different ethnicities.

Recently I even told him to talk with me once a week and not everyday, to ask any questions, cause I don’t want to develop emotional attachment, and don’t want my feelings to impact my decision. To which again, he agreed and said I am so mature thinking this way. Like come on, there got to be something.

From men, I have a question, is it possible for a man to be this understanding about things?
(He says to me, for men, if you give them love and respect, they will give you everything. Is it true in reality? Cause I see quite the opposite in real life🥲)

From women, please tell me you have met nice men in your life too, and this is possible? So far I only had horrible experiences in the past and what I read on reddit daily about how people are struggling, I am just too scared to trust anyone.

I know for sure, one can never know anyone’s true intentions, as only Allah SWT knows, and I am praying istikhara too and making lots of dua. But is there any way I know if he is genuinely good in real and I can actually meet a good person in my life too, in sha Allah.

Thank you for your time. And I appreciate all your kind answers. May Allah SWT bless you all in this life and the hereafter.

Who you marry is one of the biggest decisions of your life, and Islam gives us clear guidance on it. Here's what to look for while searching for your naseeb.

1. Deen first

The Prophet ﷺ said: "A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust." (Bukhari & Muslim)

This applies to both men and women.

✅ Green flags: prays consistently, fears Allah in private, avoids major sins, pushes you to be a better Muslim.
❌ Red flags: careless with salah and fasting, uses Islam only when it suits them, history of haram relationships with no intention to change.

Nobody's perfect, but someone who loves Allah will keep trying.

2. Character

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best to their wives." (Tirmidhi)

Looks fade, character stays.

✅ Green flags: gentle even when upset, keeps their word, handles stress well, generous with their time.
❌ Red flags: rude or quick to anger, always badmouthing family or exes, never apologises.

3. Same direction in life

Talk before the nikah about religious expectations, careers and roles, where you'll live (and whether with in-laws), and kids.

✅ Green flags: your values and goals naturally line up.
❌ Red flags: you can't agree on the big things, they pressure you into delaying things, they brush off your concerns.

4. Attraction matters

The Prophet ﷺ said: "Look at her, for that is more likely to create love between you." (Tirmidhi)

✅ Green flags: you're attracted to them, you enjoy their company, you feel safe and valued.
❌ Red flags: you feel nothing but you're being pressured or they're being too pursuasive, they dismiss your feelings, you feel anxious around them.

5. Money and stability

A man has to be able to provide, even if his wife chooses to contribute.

✅ Green flags: stable income or a real plan, responsible with money, realistic expectations on both sides.
❌ Red flags: gambling or reckless debt, he expects his wife to pay for everything, she demands a lifestyle he can't afford.

6. Their family

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The best of you are those who are best to their families." (Ibn Majah)

✅ Green flags: healthy relationship with their parents, makes their own decisions, family has fair expectations of you.
❌ Red flags: controlling family, disrespect toward their parents, hiding things about their family.

Respect your in-laws, but boundaries are halal.

7. How they handle conflict

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The strong person is not the one who can overpower others in wrestling. The strong person is the one who controls themselves when angry." (Bukhari & Muslim)

✅ Green flags: disagrees without yelling, listens, willing to compromise.
❌ Red flags: shuts down, guilt trips you, uses anger, threats or silent treatment, never admits mistakes.

8. Absolute deal breakers

Excessive controlling behaviour before you have even established any serious grounds. A temper they can't control. Hiding a past marriage, addiction or debt. No deen. Selfishness. Flirting or haram relationships with others. Refusing to change. Showing signs of hypocricy by expecting you to change and become a better muslim while they themselves are drowning in worse sins and show no sign or attempts to change

In the end it comes down to barakah from Allah. Make du'a, pray istikhara and trust His plan.

The Prophet ﷺ said: "There is nothing like marriage for two who love one another." (Ibn Majah)

TLDR:
• Faith and character over looks and money (looks matter, just not as the foundation)
• Make sure your values and goals line up
• Take red flags seriously. Leaving a bad engagement is easier than leaving a bad marriage
• Pray istikhara and seek advice from family and people of knowledge
• You're not looking for perfect, you're looking for someone who'll grow with you

May Allah bless you all with a righteous, loving spouse who brings you closer to Him. Ameen.

Credits to another user who made this - I just shortened it for easy read

What are the traits that makes a woman a good wife?

south asian bride to be; i want advice

want advice

22F getting married next year to 27M

gonna summarise it as it will be too long otherwise

1. he's a cousin, lives in dubai since covid, originally from a town near Lahore

2. i have lived in italy my whole life

3. knows each other since childhood, been dating long distance since 2024, nikkahfied in march this year, wedding will take place next year

4. i've noticed he doesn't listen to me, like he would let me talk but he doesn't remember what i say and often he asks same thing again like he never asked me it. during arguments too, i say something and i ask him what did you understand cause ik you weren't listening and he said he understood something i never said. idk what to think or do about it

i'll provide you an example:
Me: i wanna go in some other european country for my masters
...
Him: If i said you can't go would you listen to me?
Me: No. Anything related to studies and career i'm gonna do what i feel like. Im not gonna give up on studies.
Him: You could've said you will listen to me.
Me: Why would i when that isn't what i want? That would be a lie. And you shouldn't feel bad because you never told me not to study and i never told you i won't listen to this.
Him: "Mera dil rakhne ke liye juth bol leti"
Me: (\*2 minutes rant about how i wouldn't lie to anyone just so that they don't feel bad about something, and that i wouldn't never want to be lied to just to make me happy)\* Did you listen to me? What did i say?
Him: That you will never listen to what i say, you're gonna do what you want

1. I want genuine \*\*ADVICE\*\*, i don't have any man he it father or brother to give me his pov on what should i do. i can only think as a woman.
   My mom tells me to be quiet and ignore this and don't stress about it. But how can i not stress about it?
   I'm unable to comprehend anything at this point.

pls bear in mind we are talking about a marriage, pls don't be extreme like divorce him etc, i want genuine problem solving advice

to all the married girls out there help me out, feel free to say anything that can help me

premise: i'm a 22yo pakistani living in italy, my marriage will take place iin his birthplace. he lives in uae but he's from a small town in pakistan.

i want any and every advice you can give me, be it make up related, or skincare, clothing, intimate hygiene, physical touch, relationship advice, how to handle in laws, how to handle his intrusive relatives, etc.

i haven't finalised anything, not the mua, not the dress i will wear, nothing. i just know i don't want it to be crazy expensive.

i love cooking but i'm don't want to be cooking during my 3 week stay after marriage.

Which qualities make a good man, husband, father, and leader? How can we tell who we should avoid and who is of value?

Salaam.

I hope everyone is good.

So I'm in the process of looking for a wifey. A few times I've got to a talking stage where I feel comfortable talking about myself and it usually goes down hill from there. There's certain things I can't change. Maybe I'm not meant to be with someone. Alhamdulillah I make a lot of money. That's not the issue. I've only talked to locals and I feel like thats causing me an issue. I just don't like everyone knowing stuff about me. I'm a private person for a reason. I don't have social media. My question is How do I approach someone outside my town and would it be best for me to move to their town?

Thanks.

I was speaking to someone for marriage from mid February to end of April everyday via text/voice message and sometimes phone. we met up once in April which was amazing but didn’t do anything haram. Then broke up shortly after in early May. He didn’t want to try again, I did so eventually he agreed to try again and we met up the second time. After we met up he replied approximately once a week because he lost his job and was working minimum wage jobs 18 hours a day, until he ended things again start of September. he says he ended things because he had too much going on and it’s not fair on me because he couldn’t marry soon but eventhough I know he definitely lost his job it could just have been a reason to get rid of me. he said he loved me and I loved him and he cried on the phone to me regarding his debt/losing his job so I will assume the best of him. I hope he is okay and I miss him immensely. Now I wanna ask a question because I don’t think this is a past but I have been told by some redditers it is a relationship/past. We didn’t commit zina as in sleeping with each other but minor yes. When looking for another spouse would I need to let them know or can I keep this to myself? I am devastated over this whole thing. I know he probably doesn’t care or think about me anymore but I hope this hasn’t ruined the rest of my life. this is the only man ever. There’s never been anyone else. I don’t think he would tell future potentials about it so I don’t need to either right? I don’t want to lie to anyone but at the same time what good would bringing it up do? Would there be any harm in not bringing it up? I don’t want it to come back and haunt me if I don’t bring it up. This guy was never a malicious or evil person so I know he’d never try and ruin my life (I know that some women would worry that an ex potential would do this) as it would look bad on him too and like I said he probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. I love him so much.

Hello, I’m 22f based in London I’m still in uni I’m very shy irl and I don’t want to date before getting married and I don’t want to use dating apps. I’m here in the uk with my brother so my family doesn’t know anyone here and I’m shy to ask my brother if he knows someone. Where to find someone who wants to settle down and share same values ?

Me and my wife both recently graduated. I am a civil engineer and she is a nurse. We got married because we fell in love and wanted to get things done quickly.

I live in a very expensive city housing wise, one of the worst in the world. We both have all of our family here and she doesn’t see herself leaving.

I have been paying all the bills for us alhamdulillah however it hasn’t been easy. That alongside doing majority of the domestic work has left me feeling a bit lost.

I want to get a second job to help make up the rest of the amount we need weekly, however I can’t leave the domestic duties to my wife. She’s progressive in a way where she doesn’t like cooking and cleaning, but traditional in the sense where she doesn’t believe in sharing financial responsibility.

If I could wallah I’d do everything, however I can’t see a world where I’d be able to be a present husband and do everything for us.

What can I say to her, or what advice do you guys have to improve this situation. I’ve had a lot of ‘divorce’ advice which I believe is ridiculous. I love my wife and just want to fix this for us.

Thank you.

i was just thinking today and sometimes when i get the moment to sit down and ponder about my life. I’m not married, never has anyone seriously considered me for marriage, i’ve also never been actually pursued and i will say it makes me feel a certain way. Before anyone says “that shouldnt define what you are worth” at the end of the day, its something that does make you think you’re not enough to be worthy of marrying. Im still very young and about to reach my mid twenties but obviously because i’ve never and still dont know how to make an effort to put myself out there properly, I do get worried about my future. I do make dua, i have been for years and still dont but i will say in the midst of getting very busy, my iman has been low. Also when i ask for a husband, i dont know what to ask for and if i really mean or believe in what im asking for anymore. I dont know what or who i want i just want someone who’ll tick the major boxes like emotional maturity. I’ve dealt with men in the past (all halal btw) where they have used me to boost their egos or theres always another girl and they’re just giving me a little bit of attention because it makes them feel good about themselves. None of them were established relationships but it just makes me feel ugly and worthless. I dont feel like i’ll ever be enough for anyone to actually love, i do try my best but slowly i’ve been starting to resent the whole husband wife relationship and finding ways to convince myself i’m better off single because being a wife is dehumanizing. Not saying it is, but i’ve noticed i’m giving myself excuses. I know this all sounds like jibberish but i dont know how to express how i feel.

I (F/20) am getting to know someone for marriage, and I have a question about something I’ve been experiencing.

A little backstory: We are long-distance and have met in person a few times so far. My family has met him, and we’ve discussed having our nikkah. My dad only agreed to it as a way for us to get to know each other without it being haram (that’s a whole different story). We are planning to get married in a few months, as that’s the most suitable time for everyone involved.

I’m feeling very excited about everything, which I assume is normal. However, I’ve noticed that when we text or spend time together in person, I get a certain feeling around him. This is especially noticeable when we talk about our future or simply spend time together. I hate to say it, but I am getting overly turned on by him.

Is this normal, or am I being overly sexual in the way I think about him and our future together? From an Islamic perspective, is it wrong to experience these kinds of feelings towards someone you intend to marry? Is it a sign that you’re becoming too attached before marriage? At what point do these thoughts and feelings become something you should actively try to avoid or distance yourself from (at least before marriage)?

We’ve decided to limit our communication and only talk when necessary until we see each other again or have our nikkah.

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts, especially from an Islamic perspective, and whether anyone else has experienced something similar while getting to know someone for marriage.

Edit: I would really appreciate perspectives based on Islamic teachings, rather than simply being told that attraction is normal.

There is a shockingly high number of Muslim women who are falling into the same mistake the Jews and Christian’s fall into. Mentioned in Quran. Where they accept part of their sharia and reject others.

The amount of women on this subreddit and across the internet, who believe men are obligated to work and provide and do everything Allah commanded them to do, but as soon as u discuss the basic rights of the husband including his wife obeying him in reasonable halal matters, and his mutually shared right of intimacy, they lose their mind and will become so toxic and demonize u. No doubt this is the influence of feminism. You guys need to be careful because this is very common and something that will cause major issues after marriage. Remember that these women don’t have an issue with you, they have an issue with Allah and his messenger ﷺ, because we men aren’t the ones telling u the rights of the husband, Allah and his messenger told us in the Quran and Hadith.

So if you’re a man who plans on being a proper traditional man, and do everything Allah obligated u to, make sure you’re marrying a woman who doesn’t reject parts of Islam and accept others, and she’s also someone who will do what Allah obligated her to do

Sometimes you see even celebrities and athletes who were really attractive in their 20s and 30s become unattractive in their 50s and 60s. Although a lot of people look really good as they age imo.

Is it possible that after you’ve been married for a while what you’re into just evolves into what your spouse looks like?

how does one reconnect to someone from 8 years ago? feel like we would be a good match, but it’s been so long since we’ve spoken. Never met in-person but he expressed interest years ago. Doesn’t have an Instagram atm, that was our main form of connection

Assalamu alaikum, I'm really sry if this makes anyone uncomfortable in advance. I don't think I'm addicted or anything. I think I have high libido so I end up committing the zina of the hands and eyes. Every time I do it, I regret it heavy and then I follow it up w shower and pray. I found out abt this private sin by an accident. I regrett it heavy, I wish I never did. I ask Allah to guide me in almost every sujud. Sometimes it gets too difficult, I end up committing it.

Alhamdulikah, I have never been in a relationship, never committed anything major haram, that's prolly the only sin that I'm falling into. I don't talk to opp genders either.I ask Allah to send me someone who is good for me then I feel like a loser. I can go days and weeks without doing it. One time I went 6 months without doing b/c I was interested in someone(no haram intention). She wasn't ready for marriage. I told my mom to start looking after few months when I have some savings.

Fasting doesn't really help much. I need to strenthen my salah more. I tried blocking all the pathways to this sin. I also have cold turkey on my devices. It's just my phone. I can't get rid of it. I work from home as well. I'm really cornered. Should I not mention it unless she asks?

If a man's job/career is all over the place, i.e he has a job but it is not really stable but still earning a decent amount and is saving up from this job, should he still "figure" out his career before marriage?

What i mean by "figure" out is, he should get a job that he can stick to and one that is stable and permanent, BUT what if this "figuring" out takes long especially if he doesnt know what to do or taking long time to find a better one. For example, someone with a degree in a field like IT, law, engineering, etc. might lose interest for any reason and want to look for something else, and so in the meantime, they could be doing anything even if the job is unstable, until they find a "better" job, maybe in the field of their degree or anything else.

Also, if men are expected to have a "stable" career, how do men who are self employed get married? I mean, their job or business is not always stable because the income can flutuate. (I am not actually currently self employed, neither will I, I am just curious.)

Would women also consider a man who has his own business and is self employed?

I recently matched with a guy on Muzz who seemed very serious about marriage.

We talked about meeting in person, involving my mahram, meeting our families, and moving forward with marriage if things went well.

The thing is, we’d only been talking for around 30 minutes when he brought all of this up.

On one hand, I appreciate that he’s direct and knows what he wants. I’m also looking for something serious. so I’m wondering whether it’s normal for someone to be that serious that quickly.

On the other hand, I wonder if it’s too soon to be discussing marriage when we barely know each other. I don’t want to overthink it, but I also don’t want to be naive.

For those who’ve experienced Muslim marriage apps, would you see this as a green flag or be cautious? Can someone be genuinely serious about marriage this early, or is it too soon to tell?