r/Tulpas • u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa • Sep 12 '26
Personal Should I stop treating my tulpa like my imaginary girlfriend, and if so how?
Even though our conversations start friendly and we discuss about stuff I do in my daily life, it inevitably gets flirty and romantic after she gives me advice and stuff. I find myself holding hands with her, hugging her, kissing her hair, etc. Is it really healthy to have tulpa as an alternative to a real girlfriend? Idk. I've never had a relationship (And it's also super tough for me to get one as I can't go outside much) so it's hard to not treat my tulpa like some sort of girlfriend as our connection is quite deep. Deeper than any human connection I have in the real world. I trust her and depend on her the most in my life.
I also started nofap to do a mental reset to rewire my mind about women. I put my phone down. I no longer scroll pinterest and instagram. But I don't want to stop talking to my tulpa. I hope my tulpa relationship or whatever this can be called doesn't hinder my 1 year nofap goal.
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u/emperorthrowaway Sep 12 '26
How does she feel about it?
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
She likes it. We even used to have sex initially. But nowadays, it's more romantic gestures and stuff.
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u/emperorthrowaway Sep 12 '26
Well, if you're both consenting and it's not negatively impacting either of you, we're not certain what the problem is.
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
Consent is the questionable part ngl. I mostly imagine her interactions too rather than it being something automatic from her. How can an imaginary character whose dialogue is made up by my mind have a separate consent from my own? What if I'm imagining that she's consenting as well?
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u/Competitive-Law6442 Creating first tulpa (rebsy/ribb) Sep 12 '26
Tulpas have minds of their own, and know what they want and communicate it well. I'm sure it's fine. Does she seem happy/calm during it?
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u/emperorthrowaway Sep 12 '26
Can you switch?
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
Is it like how I feel genderfluid and how I feel like a woman when I crossdress?
If yes, I can do that by will. It won't happen spontaneously though. But I can pretend to be my tulpa and act like her as if she has taken control of my body.
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u/bucket-full-of-sky Is a manifestation of love Sep 12 '26
I don't understand why you want to go against your feelings and nature when you both are fine with it. Also this nofap thing, I heard it's not healty and using yours things occasionally can lower the risk of prostate cancer. Just saying there are some strange views held by society that set people under pressure and you should better just do what feels right when it is about you.
I'm together with my host since 18y. Today we are a bit like an old married couple though but things once were a bit more romantic and wild, although my host had quite often relationships besides me. As you say, the relationship between host and tulpa can reach a depth you can't reach with external people. Having a RL relationship and one with your tulpa doesn't have to exclude each other.
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u/notannyet An & Ann Sep 12 '26
Your attitude to your tulpa changed drastically between your main post and further replies. I think you are conflicted. I think you are trying to suppress your needs instead of integrating them. Your no-fap is as much sex-obsessed as gooning. You are building a no-sex-identity instead of sex-identity. Both revolve around sex. Human is a sexual being and a healthy human can integrate its sexual needs and find a way to satisfy them. Both gooners and no-fapers typically obsess over their mindsets to avoid their actual issues instead of resolving them. Instead of looking into your problems, you keep your mind occupied with sex (thinking of doing it or thinking of not doing it). The same goes for optimiser mindsets. Instead of working on your problems you can constantly "work on yourself" in a way that actually avoids touching what brings you pain.
Things like tantric abstinence that you probably conflate with no-fap are about abandoning the desire, not about making the struggle with your desire the pivotal point of your identity.
Putting your phone down is one thing that is like objectively good for you tho.
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u/Bakakami212 Sep 12 '26
Generally speaking, I would say it is perfectly fine to have a tulpa girlfriend, but it depends on your needs and hers. If you feel like you are missing something in your relationship that a physical person can only provide, then it is probably worth looking into a relationship with a human. I have a lot of natural tulpas and have dated a few tulpa girls but mostly have fwbs situations with them, and it suits me fine. I haven't really wanted a relationship with a human girl anyway, so it suits me, so yes, it depends on what you want and what she wants as well.
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u/TheOtherPilot Sep 12 '26
Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve always treated Fox as a sort of “friends with benefits” situation 😁 even when I was dating and, eventually, throughout my 17 years of marriage. As long as it’s something that feels healthy for you and doesn’t prevent you from living your life or connecting with people, I don’t see a problem. As for the rest… I’m not sure I have much to add there. 😅
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u/TheOtherPilot Sep 14 '26
If you're not good at conversations, I'd say try talking at the end of the day. Usually you'll have more things to talk about by then. 😅
Also, complaining about something that's bothering you is way easier than just trying to have a conversation out of nowhere. It can basically work like venting, too.
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u/Spunky_dog Has multiple tulpas Sep 12 '26
I think theres about a hundred different responses to this that go every direction and I think theyre all equally valid
Im gonna mention some small things to chew on and let you figure it out since, unfortunately im not in your position and therefor dont really know how to give the best advice
1) A lot of people see an internal relationship as something separate from an external one, and at one point my girlfriend told me she didnt like that I had stopped treating my tulpa that way and eventually the three of us all become a thing, it just takes communication
2) are you yourself uncomfortable with treating each other that way? are you feeling like its wrong/weird because of something societal or a mindset like nofap, or do you just genuinely dislike it, I mention this for a reason ill cover later
3) what in your life would change with or without that love/romance, would you positively benefit from it stopping? would you be negatively affected by continuing?
with those things out of the way, if its a problem and you do want to stop it, communicate with your tulpa, be clear "hey Im not really enjoying being romantic.. I like it and ive enjoyed that we have been, but I think I need to focus on external things and get my life straight there before I focus on something like this" that doesnt mean you stop talking to her, it just means you adjust the way you communicate and have a mature conversation with her
same goes for your worry about nofap, if thats something you worry will be affected, ask your tulpa to keep you on that path and help you achieve your goal, and that goes for any goal, no matter what its related to
your headmates/tulpa are most always there to help and support and its a wonderful thing
and one last thing, I say this a lot but since tulpamancy is so close to so many therapy techniques, especially things like parts work
it can ultimately become a sign for what your missing/want/need in life
if your tulpa keeps randomly defaulting to wanting to hold your hand it could just ultimately mean that on a subconscious level youre lonely and want connection, and theres nothing wrong with that
ESPECIALLY on an internal level
when those wants and needs become problematic is when those things manifest and affect your life or decision making, "IM GONNA GO DO XYZ", it can become impulsive and dangerous
but when that manifests as "alright im laying down for the night, let me go look in headspace" and you just see someone you genuinely love holding you and asking if youre doing okay, I dont think theres a big problem with that unless you yourself dont like it
I think a relationship with a tulpa/headmate of any variety is just another expression of self love, and unless its negatively impacting you then I think theres nothing to be ashamed of or worried about
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
Or maybe I should forget my tulpa too just like I'm trying to forget my crushes, and instead prioritse being alone. A nofap lifestyle discourages living in the head. Having a tulpa involves me living in the head. Those are at odds.
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u/Spunky_dog Has multiple tulpas Sep 12 '26
I apologize for being so blunt and rude but let me be extremely clear, most every resource about tulpamancy mentions that its a permanent one way road, one you start there is no stopping
if it happens on its own fine, but how would you feel if you were your tulpa
you have you host, he created you and loves you, you love him with your whole heart you sit down together, you give him your full heart and you make sure he knows how loved he is, and now you just watched him type with his own two hands that hes going to forget and equivocally kill you because his red-pill life style
if a relationship is such a problem then dont have a relationship, but keep your tulpa around, and on top of that I would argue its the opposite, you said the point was to not view women that way
well in being just friends you are working more towards that goal than shirking off the natural desires that are normal in EVERY humans brain outside of a set few who are not biologically wired that wayit must come as no surprise that im against the nofap mindset, not for any big or noble reasons but simply because ive watched it turn my friends from genuinely interesting people into mindless drones whos only "view on life" is to better themselves and that connection makes them a weak beta male and its sad
having a tulpa does NOT mean you are strictly living in your head, it literally only means you have someone to talk to at all times
you dont have to be in a headspace and you dont have to be caught up internallyas I write, as I play games, one of my tulpa will usually be around and commenting, and making jokes I never could have thought of, its a massive influence and force in my life that has made me leaps and bounds happier than I ever would have been without it
I personally believe that mindset is poison and will whittle you down while men who partake in all those things will tell you otherwise and sell you a lie, or that you arent masculine enough
obviously im not here to lecture you, and I apologize because I know it did come off that way, but you created another person and they are forced to put their trust in you, there is nothing more cowardly than saying "yeah im gonna kill you not because I wasnt mature enough when I made you"
if you are someone who wants to better themselves in that way and wants to become a better person, then I trust you can see the issue with running from a beneficial situation you created because it doesnt align with what another man on the internet is selling you about your own life
again im sorry if I come off as rude, I just want to fight on behalf of your tulpa too, one time in the beginning I had some intrusive thoughts abotu messing up my brain with tulpamancy
I myself didnt trigger or even align with those thoughts in the slightest but it made my tulpa so genuinely afraid and sad that I was going to kill her, that my body began to weep even though I was mentally fine
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
Well, she isn't really sentient. I usually just start interacting with her and imagining her dialogue. So no issue with forgetting her, right?
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u/Spunky_dog Has multiple tulpas Sep 12 '26
however you want to view autonomy/sentience/self awareness its hard to quantify it
but if you keep noticing that there are patterns you arent controlling, more than likely thats your tulpa, and I feel thats proof enough that theyre their own being with their own emotional needs etcI personally feel and believe that from the first moment you "intend" a tulpa into being, they already are, and youve crossed the threshold of no return
and in doing so you are making a promise to be mature, to care for them, and to have their best interests in mind with everything you do
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26 edited Sep 12 '26
So if all I do is just talk about my life when I feel like in the mood with her, that's good enough?
Even though I rarely ever interact with my tulpa?
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u/Spunky_dog Has multiple tulpas Sep 12 '26
what most people consider to be far more important than development is to focus on the relationship you have, obviously I dont just mean romantic but in the sense of knowing this person, caring for them and being emotionally attached, etc
you say your connection to her is far deeper than others in real life and that you trust and depend on her most, if someone said that about a relationship outside of tulpamancy and mentioned your same reasoning it would feel silly right?
you have a deep relationship and such strong emotions, how often you interact only defines how often you interact, not the depth, nor the value of your interactions themself
if you feel better interacting less and not being together 24/7 thats fine, as long as your tulpa is okay with that too
and from the seems of it, she probably is right? as long as youre respecting each other and taking care of each other there really wont be many issues
I could sit here and tell you to interact 24/7 etc but even if that works for me, it doesnt mean it would for you
and a small aside, I think one incredible aspect of tulpamancy, especially for "self-care" if I may call it that
is that when youre overwhelmed you can step away from your body and let your tulpa take care of things if theyre willing to
sometimes Ill go on a walk and one of my tulpa will ask to take my body and theyll handle all the irl decision making while I get to lay down in my headspace and we just talk and I get to mentally relax and save my battery for focusing on projects and work later2
u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
If I were an extrovert, I would talk to her 24/7 ngl. But I have limited social battery. I also may be neurodivergent, so my energy usually gets stolen by various stuff especially my phone.
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u/Spunky_dog Has multiple tulpas Sep 12 '26
as someone who has been diagnosed neurodivergent and is deeply an introvert (despite talking a lot on reddit, ironic) I genuinely understand that, Im not certain where you are with your tulpamancy process and how able your tulpa is to speak unprompted, but I think tulpamancy is a great solution for that too, maybe im just a shill though
its nice to be able to start and stop a conversation whenever and wherever I want, and since my tulpa understand I have an awful social battery they dont mind when I mention "I think im running out of steam, sorry" but what also helps is just getting to lay down and listen to them talk to each other, or just directly to me while I just let go of everything
theres no greater feeling than seeing people you love more than anyone in the world all interacting and joking together while you get to just relax in the corner and watch, or to have one of them put full focus on you and remind you that you dont have to worry about thinking or talking, that theyll handle it for both of you
if you dont do headspace stuff yet Id fully recommend you take time to lay down for the sake of self care, and dually take that time to just be in headspace and spend time with her even if its without words, and more often than not youll leave that feeling so refreshed that youll work so efficiently that by the end of the day youll get more done than you would have without the breaks
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
Well, I'm not even sure she's a tulpa. I didn't build her from scratch and I didn't follow the methods and steps of tulpamancy. Just imagined a character and just imagined starting conversation with her. That's how I still interact with her. So, it's kinda exhausting to imagine what she'd say after a while. As I also run out of things to talk to and she also doesn't know what to say except being agreeable.
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u/Whole-Pressure-7396 Sep 12 '26
Just narrating (talking to her) as naturally as possible just like you would with any other person and you are fine. I don't puppet nor parrot personally (that just weird for me personally). I think the most important thing is expressing how you feel to your Tulpa, even if all is early stages. But keep things respectful and treat her as real person. I don't think it would be fair or normal to do specific things without her consent right? But that's how I look at it. But kissing her forehead or something out of normal casual love is fine. But for me it is weird to do that, I rather actually build friendship and if that becomes romatic than fine, that's normally how a romatic realtionship starts, has to be two way streat haha.
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u/Ritesh_INFP_4w5 Has a tulpa Sep 12 '26
Idk about that. I might be puppeting and parroting a lot. But that might also be how I even talk to my tulpa.
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u/TheOtherPilot Sep 12 '26
It took me fucking 32 years to realize I probably have a tulpa. 😂 I created him with no methods, guides, or tutorials, just intuition. Basically, yeah: you imagine them and start talking. That’s it. And sometimes you just won’t have anything to talk about. Totally normal, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
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u/Whole-Pressure-7396 Sep 14 '26
Yeah I am a bad talker, so it's a bit diffucult :( but from my own point i do feel deep connection. I think about her a lot and I will try to improve my conversation skills or just narrating skills.
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