Last year on Christmas Day I suddenly lost my twin sister due to a pulmonary embolism that had killed her instantly. We were only 20. We hadn’t had a Christmas together in 2 years as I was doing volunteer work aboard for my university, I remember we put on our matching pjs and slept on the pullout sofa like we did when we were children, I had woken up in the morning at about half 8 and she was still asleep which I thought was weird because she always used to wake up at 6 to go on a run in the mornings, it’s only when I went to hug her that I felt that she was cold and not breathing, I screamed for my parents and I remember their cries and the loud siren of the ambulance that came 7 minutes later and then the heartbreaking words spoken my the paramedic pronouncing her dead. Ever since I haven’t been able to function without thinking of that day and now that Christmas is approaching again it’s getting worse, if I hear a siren it’ll make me stop for a while, I can’t go over to my parents house and the one time I tried I just broke down, I keep shutting down conversations with my partner when she mentions her uni coursework because she’s a pre-med student, I can barely look in the mirror without crying because the reflection looks like her but will never be her. It affects my every day life and I know I will never be able to not think about her but does anyone know a way to make it hurt less?

This is the draft of a poem I’m writing about things people say after they find out my twin died.

What do you say to them?
You’ve been through this.
You know what to do.

I don’t.
Nobody does.
Their world as they knows it has ended.
There is nothing you can say to make it right
to make it feel any better,

but you can’t say nothing,
you can’t say nothing, and nothing you say will be the right thing,
but there are 100 million wrong things to say.

When my sister died, the first person I told was my therapist.
The first thing she said to me was:
“oh shit.”

She has been practicing for years
We have known each other for years
and the first thing she said was “oh shit”because what do you say to that?

People say - thoughts and prayers
People say - I’m sorry for your loss
People say - she us in a better place
People say - everything happens for a reason

People say - at least…
- at least she’s not suffering
- at least she got this far
- at least she knew you loved her

People say at least there’s another one

What…?
At least what?
At least she’s dead.

People say - I can’t even imagine

It’s easy to imagine
but even if you have the biggest most vivid imagination ever
you still won’t know what it’s like.

You can only imagine till it happens
but to say you can’t is spitting in my face saying that you won’t bother to try to think about what I might be going through.

People ask - do you feel like you now have to live for her as well.

No - I need to only live for myself

My twin brother Dave passed back in February.

I posted a song he’d uploaded to YouTube. A few asked if I’d post if it was uploaded to Spotify.

Here’s seven songs he wrote recorded in the early noughties (well, one cover of Chris Whitley’s Living with the Law).

30mins. I listen to all every morning.

Please take a listen. It’s just him, playing his acoustic guitar and singing.

Artist: David Gow
Album: Catcher in the Lush Green Grass

Spotify

Apple Music

🙏💙😢🕯️

My twin sister, Ruth died a few weeks ago. My name is Ned, we just turned 40 in July. I’m beyond lost in certain facets of this “experience” I guess. I need help understanding what I’m going through from sources that are living it. My fundamental operating/belief system is upside down in ways i couldn’t have imagined much less give credibility towards. If that makes any sense please reach to me. I would love all/any advice, But I know I most importantly need to communicate or hear experiences from other twins who lost their twin in adulthood, what I’m specifically looking for can only be found with you that know. And thank you to the entire community, without everyone it wouldn’t be here otherwise. It has already been more helpful and healing than anything else. I hope to return that in some way moving forward. 🦋

My partner and I haven’t been dating for too long (5 months), and they just told me that they are a twin, but their sibling was still born.
They said that they always felt like “there’s a piece missing” from them, and that they said that maybe that’s also why they feel such “dueling personalities” within themself.
My question is: Has everyone ever experienced a stillbirth twin, and had similar feelings? I think it’d be really beneficial to hear others’ stories.

Thanks y’all!

Edit: I really appreciate everyone that’s taking the time to respond. I’ve personally been learning a lot, and can’t wait to show this post to them. Y’all amazing, thank you!

I stumbled along this page after googling a shit load of questions. I’m currently in a “identity crisis” for myself and it just got me thinking about my supposed twin.

She died in the womb and I always find it weird that I think about her. Like she wasn’t really a live. Just a faint idea of what could have been a person. But I’ve in some kind of way have hated that I’ve been told about her.

I remember mostly thinking about her in highschool and started to get this feeling like she is trapped in my body. Like some of my thoughts were hers and she practically walked down the hallway with me. Like I’m living for her.

I’ve told my brother and friends about how I feel about her and they are like “I’m so sorry man” but it feels like a sorry that you say when you don’t get anything. But my best friend is a twin oddly enough and I see his life and think if his brother died no one would even hold a candle to what I feel.

It feels very selfish to me how I say this and I apologize deeply for the people that got to experience their twins life and their loss. I don’t mean to be some kind of guy trying to get attention for something that many I think would not count as something to be sad about. But I hope there are just people out there that connect with me. Thank you

After 3 years and plenty of SSRIs, I still feel the acute, burning pain of losing my twin. But it has also given way to a persistent, quiet, enduring grief—almost like an acknowledgement that the crazy, acute pain of the first years won’t bring her back.

Cut Copy, a band we both loved and which she introduced me to (like most music I love), came out with a new album last year. One track stuck out at me: "A Place Among the Stars." I think it captures this stage of grief really poignantly. Both the music and the lyrics reflect what I feel lately… The quiet, accepted grief, and the silence of facing down life without her until I go: “Talking to a photograph; conversations cut in half... Solitude and harmony glimmer softly over me; a lonely way, but it’s the best I can get.” 

I’ve been thinking about this song for months and I wish I could share it with her. Instead I’ll share it here in case it gives shape to anyone else’s grief. [Here's the track](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Dn0JYjtxOKO2lTeCIOaho?si=17202597b37e404d). I'd love to hear if anyone else is in this stage, or if other songs resonate with them.

In my mind

We feel lost

Bitter lights they follow us

But we go on

Slowly counting the days

Feel my pulse

Take my hand

It might help you understand

A fortune told

What you know anyway?

Talking to a photograph

Conversations cut in half

Memories

Swimming pools of regret

Solitude and harmony

Glimmer softly over me

A lonely way

But it's the best I can get

Find a place among the stars

Is all I want to do, each one's a setting sun

For you

Find a place among the stars

Is all I want to do, up there there's nothing left

To lose

Through the clouds

Seeing out

What will planes remember now?

Silver trails

Point mе closer to home

In a trance

Looking out

Pavеment is the thing I found

Hoped for more

Wondrous places to go

Find a place among the stars

Is all I want to do, each one's a setting sun

For you

Find a place among the stars

Is all I want to do, up there there's nothing left

To lose

Its been 14 days since I lost my twin. I'm not eating much or getting out of bed much. Her funeral was really hard. We would have been 31 this November, and it hasn't quite been a year yet since we lost grandpa.

Hey guys. I’ve been part of this community for a while and it’s been comforting to see I'm not alone ❤️

​I was wondering if there are any Israeli twins here?

I feel like it'd help me to talk to someone who shares my language/culture.

​I'd love to connect with you! feel free to drop a comment or send me a DM. Would be really nice to find out who’s out there and maybe build our own little support circle ❤️

Today is my 26th birthday. I lost my brother at 20, and the fact that I’m closer to 30 now than I am to his age is hitting me so hard. I tend to keep my head down and just keep going but I don’t know, the more years that go by it gets harder. It’s more difficult to ignore the fact that so much time has passed, and it feels like time is creating distance between us.. like I’m just getting further and further away from him. I just miss him. I feel fearful about my future, it breaks my heart thinking about hitting all these milestones, graduating, getting married, having kids…turning 30, 40, 50, 60, and so on without him here. All that time without him here. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone

Posted a while back about losing my brother back in Feb.

It’s getting more difficult now. I miss him.

This is a song he wrote. I’ve at least got his music to always remind me of him. Such a beautiful, gentle soul.

Keep meaning to get all his music up on Spotify/Apple Music.

Artist: David Gow

https://youtu.be/ga1lEYGHjWk?is=aiIRHSJBAa88xAXr

I'm in my twenties and I never called myself a twin, since they died in the womb. I don't want people to think that I'm trying to be different or "special" and I don't think I should even call myself a twinless twin, since I didn't know them and they died so early on in the pregnancy that the doctors couldn't even determine their sex(12 weeks or something I can't really remember what my dad said about that) and literally all I have as proof is what my dad told me(which I chose to believe since he was the one that was pregnant and gave birth and all that), but because of all of this I just feel like I don't even have the right to call myself a twinless twin.

I'm still asking myself so many questions. What would they have looked like?, What would their interests have been?, Would we get along with each other?, Would they have been Queer, like me? and of course also questions like Would they have lived a better and happier life than me, if they were the one that survived instead of me?

And still I don't feel like I deserve to be in twin spaces twinless or otherwise, just because they died so damn early in the pregnancy.

Edit(for some clarification):

Firstly thanks for all the comments(yes even the ones that you might not like different opinions are always important to me).

Secondly since I did see that in the comments, I'm not trying to compare myself to anyone, I just wanted to know if I could go into/would be welcome in twin/twinless twin spaces. That's all.

Thirdly my twin was encapsulated and calcified in the womb and came as an afterbirth, which everyone expected to be the placenta, since it didn't seem like a twin pregnancy and before you say anything about my dad lying to me the doctors said my sister was going to be a twin, but she was just a huge baby so the doctors can be wrong sometimes they're also just human like the rest of us.

And lastly English isn't my first language so people excuse any confusing grammar or messed up spelling or like literally anything, you're still free to point it out(I can't stop you) and I'll just correct it.

I love this subreddit, but haven't seen my experience being posted here before, so I wanna share it w u.

Already in middle school, me and my sister started having different friends, interests and hobbies. We studied in the same school but barely interacted socially w one another.

After high school we didn't have any structure to keep us together anymore so we grew further apart.

That is until I decided I have to fix our relationship, and started forcing her to spend time w me and talk to me and share. It was a struggle but after a while the initiative also came from her.

That's when we started going out on dates and literally catching up and getting to know each other.

I think it wasn't even a month of these little dates when she was diagnosed w cancer. Ofc I never thought she'd die, so we started postponing the dates to "when she heals/eats real food/walks normally".

During the short time of the treatments I kept on living my life, only checking in every once in a while (I had a very demanding job and was working most of the days. Thought it was important or some sh1t).

She died 10 months after the first diagnosis.

I feel I can't relate when people post here about the special twin friendship they had, and how they're missing a half bc they used to do everything together (super respectfully, idm to offend anyone)

I'm left here grieving what could have been when I was too blind and distracted to see seek it. I'm grieving the closed and alone personality of my sister that made it hard for me to connect.

I have to say I LOVED being a twin every step of the way. Even when we weren't so close, I always felt she is the one single person that understood me better than anyone could ever try to. I did lose my other half. I love her so much, and I wish we could have even a little more time together :(

Does someone relate? I'd love to hear some thoughts!

Still I Standing

I’ve buried souls I couldn’t lose,
And lived through pain I didn’t choose.
I lost my twin, I lost my way,
Yet somehow rose another day.
I’ve chased the numb, I’ve begged for peace,
Just praying that the hurt would cease.
Through death and drugs, through grief and hell,
I broke a thousand times—and fell.
I learned my lessons bruised and scarred,
Every damn one came fucking hard.
I crawled through darkness, scared and weak,
When standing felt beyond my reach.
But look at me—I’m standing still,
Not by some luck, but stubborn will.
Life knocked me down and watched me fall—
But never got to keep me there at all.
So bring the storm. I know the rain.
I’ve made a home inside of pain.
You tried to bury me alive—
You should’ve known:
I DON’T JUST LIVE.
I FUCKING SURVIV

Maybe this is a natural progression, and I am sure I have felt this way before. However, I’m feeling like an asshole right now.

I was watching a TV show where a teenage character says, “I spent my whole life thinking about her. I think I need to know who I am when I’m not [thinking about her].”

This resonated with me and was like a dagger to my heart.

I am in my fifth decade of life, and I lost my twin within two weeks of our birth. My recollection is that I have always known I was a twin even though the family didn’t talk about it much or have reminders of my twin. I’ve been through many of the feelings others here and in the literature I’ve read about twinless twins describe - feeling shared by those with early childhood or even in the womb loss. I’ve been angry at God, angry with my family (the loss was no one’s fault), and I think I have been angry at my twin even.

However, this quote from this character who is trying to describe the feeling of needing to let go of thinking about a biological mother who abandoned her and her brother to foster care when she was around 5 years old, just struck a cord today. I feel like an asshole thinking I should stop thinking of my twin. I feel like an asshole thinking my loss and trauma are equal to a child abandoned to a foster care system.

I feel like an asshole for thinking I don’t know who I am, and maybe I never will. However, I have an intact family. We are very close, though, there have been bumps like any family. I have a terrible fear and deep anxiety of losing someone else in my life, and I thought I had done the work to get to a better place. However, in the last six months or so that has also felt undone. I’m tired of the pain.

I think I have thought this before too, but I am also wondering, “Who am I if I’m not X’s twin?” Or “Is this all I’ve based my identity on and is that what has ‘held me back?’” Five decades is too many to feel this way, but confronting it is scary. I’ve never found a therapist that has been able to really meet me on this either. That’s a whole other complicated matter. However, I needed to get these thoughts and feelings out into the world since my heart feels like bursting and my head says the agreement to the statement of the character is a betrayal to my twin.

We’re supposed to be turning 29 next month, and I’m already struggling with the thought of another birthday without him. My anxiety is high, my tears always feel right there, and I feel incredibly lonely. It’s been 4 years, and somehow it still hurts so much.

It hurts thinking about how this was our birthday. Our day. We came into this world together, and now I have to face that day without him. Sometimes I just think, how did life come to this?

We loved watching movies together, so on our birthday I go see a movie. It makes me feel close to him, and I can sit in the dark and cry without anyone noticing. But it’s also such a painful reminder that he should be sitting there next to me.

For 4 years, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at his photos. I buried them deep in drawers around my home because it hurt too much. Recently, I finally found the courage to take some out and put them on my table, our birthday pictures from when we were 3. Looking at those two little kids together breaks my heart. We had no idea what life would become or that one day I would have to do our birthday without him.

I think I just feel really alone tonight and needed to say this somewhere people would understand.
I miss my twin. I miss us. I miss our day.

My mother revealed she was never going to tell me I had a twin. My fraternal twin died after birth. My great grandmother told me about them, showed a picture when I was a child many many many many many many eons ago. My mother says I am not a twinless twin, my brother simply died. Even though he was my twin. Soooo....yea. She rambled calling me crazy and that I always say stupid shit that makes no sense. Then she was like 'what about the mother is there a syndrome if they die, the baby was in the womb and heard their voice so how is a twin dying more important than the mother dying'

My mom said that shit, I simply went back to my grave, reburied myself and vanished.

I feel numb. Dead inside, I have been dead for 500 years and this is the most dead I have ever felt.

I do not feel emotions like that, at all. But the majority emotion i do feel, is far more complex than despair could ever hope to be no matter how much it sings to these ancient bones made of rotted wood.

I bleed inside myself just to drink the blood of my own empty existence.

My great grandmother used to use the spirit of my brother to guilt trip me into doing what she wanted when I was a child.

I try to talk to my grotesque father about where my brother's ashes are, he tells me to stop talking about stupid shit and ask my mother. My mother tells me to ask him, says he scattered the ashes in a garden somewhere, says i am not allowed to be upset about my twin because the only people allowed to feel as I do are her and hjm and they haven't been in physical contact in years and never will again.

The soul is a fickle thing, life is meaningless and to hope in anything is futile.