r/climbergirls • u/Large-Border9956 • 4d ago
Venting Fearing men while climbing
After climbing for three years, I lost the motivation to hit up the gym or go outside in March. My last straw was when I was at my local gym at quieter hours (around 9-10am on a weekday), and there were three other people there. A man followed me everywhere without saying a single word. At first I thought he might say something or strike up a conversation, but I really wasn’t in the mood, so I kept switching up climbs hoping he’d get the hint.
It got creepy when I left to use the bathroom (which is unisex bathroom with around 6 stalls). He followed me into the bathroom. At this point, I told him how creepy it came off to follow a woman at every climb, and then proceeding to go into the bathroom at the same time. To my knowledge, he didn’t even use the bathroom or wash his hands. Of course he acted surprised and apologized, but the entire experience was so belittling and anytime I think men can’t get dumber they just dig the hole deeper. And then there’s the chance that he wasn’t dumb… and knew exactly what he was doing. I hate even thinking about that option.
I left immediately, went downstairs and told the front desk about my experience, and ever since haven’t been back to the gym. The whole experience was disheartening, and disenchanted me from climbing up until the past couple of weeks.
This was definitely the most extreme experience I had at the gym, but not the first. You guys know the usual. Beta spraying, viewing any interaction as a “can I have your number?” And just the looks, where I can’t tell if they’re just watching the climb or looking at me like I’m a piece of cake.
Well, it’s October now, and for the last two weeks I’ve finally felt like picking up climbing again, but I’m genuinely scared. I really lack a community of girls I can climb with in my area which leaves me to myself. I hate that a part of climbing has to be managing men and setting boundaries with them in a shared space.
I’m hoping to be a little more outgoing this time around, and meet a community that I can feel safe with. I haven’t really shared my experience with anyone so I hope I don’t come off as a huge complainer. I just really hope it will be different this time.
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u/captainpantalones 4d ago
What did the front desk say? Are they going to look into it? Following you into the bathroom is super creepy
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u/Large-Border9956 4d ago
Front desk seemed horrified, and he said he would grab a manager and that they would handle it. I was really shook up and just trying to leave at that point as well. I never felt the desire to even climb until recently (happened back in March, now October), so I don’t know the aftermath and how they handled it. They didn’t ask for my number or a way to reach out if they had more questions (but he had my name, and I assume they had some information because I had a membership). The person I talked to was very attentive and cared, so I do believe they might have done something about it. That being said, the bathroom on the second floor is unisex, so it technically wasn’t against their rules. Just extremely creepy timing.
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u/RedDora89 4d ago
Might it be worth following up with the gym? Perhaps it’d put your mind at ease a little if you knew what the outcome was (ie hopefully he’d been banned)
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u/Balancing_Shakti 1d ago
Follow this up with front desk, OP. If there were only 4 people in the gym that day, front desk likely knows who all were there if there is a check-in system. Nail the perp and get him banned from the gym without him knowing why. I've climbed in a similar setting (weekdays am) and it was my favorite times to climb. And if your gym has connections to other gyms in the area, get the guy booted from those gyms too. This is horrifying. I hope climbing becomes a safe space and a safe practice for you once again.
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u/ten0ritaiga 4d ago
He followed me into the bathroom.
OMG I'm so sorry you had to experience this. This is definitely not normal and he should be put on blast in the climbing community for being such a fucking creep. It's okay to be interested in someone, but to silently follow them everywhere? WTF stalker!
I hope you find some lady climbers to befriend. In the meantime, know that you are fully in your rights to be mean/rude to anyone that doesn't respect your space or boundaries, especially if it's a man. Being mean to men has truly made my life better.
Sincerely,
Someone's mean little wife. (I saw that on a t-shirt and I liked it.)
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u/nycsquirrel 4d ago
Im sorry you experienced this. Thankfully my age has a way of detering men and empowering me to speak up or do things with an "I dont care what you think" attitude. I wish my younger self was so bold. I recently had a young man in his 20s (I'm in my 60s) following me from climb to climb. After about the 4th time I moved I just sat on the mat and stared at him. Really stared, like wouldn't look away. I didn't say anything but he got the message and walked away. I've never seen him at the gym since. Be courageous and stand up to creepy people.Yes, its scary but its also empowering and builds self confidence. I hope you can comfortably go back to climbing soon.
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u/SaltSeaworthiness167 4d ago
He followed you into the bathroom?? That's insane. I think the gym should ban him actually. I'm so sorry that happened. Maybe look for another gym? I feel gyms with a lot of staff (and kids though they can be annoying sometimtes) usually feels safer.
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u/Ahitunax 4d ago
If you’re in NYC lmk! I’m 29 F and always climbing alone would love to have a buddy
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u/samtaroq 4d ago
Check if there are any womens climbing meetups near you!! I met some awesome women through my local one. Also see if your gym does any events thats a good way to strike up a conversation.
I used to go to the gym at off/weird times (9am to 3pm hours) but turns out thats when the gym is completely empty or there's a few eccentric people here and there lol def go after normal working hours to see the regular folks.
I'd also recommend using your gyms partner finder or a Facebook group (you can vet climbing partners better w a Facebook profile).
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u/JellyDoe731 3d ago
Girl, I am SO SORRY 😭 I had a guy following me around, staring at me when he thought I couldn’t see, etc. while I was lifting recently and it’s truly the most angering and upsetting feeling. It’s so fucking violating, and the fact that he followed you into a bathroom just makes it a million times more so. I hope you’re able to find a gym that has better vibes and people, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with this bullshit! 🩵
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u/Wumpy_wump 2d ago
This sucks so much, I hope you get to feel comfortable in the future. I find that asking for specified chat groups in large, general fb groups for my local area can be very effective.
I had a similar experience a few years ago, but at a regular gym. The gym was empty except for a strange man. He followed me around for about 40 minutes and made sure to stand and stare from the most sensitive angles. He didn't even do his own thing at the same time, he just stared through all my sets. When I finally glared at him, he just grinned and said "you work hard". I left and told the front desk, but she said "he can be like that sometimes" and that I probably misunderstood. The experience was so creepy that I never went back.
I don't think men can understand how scary this can be. It's about survival instinct. Humans are wired to avoid people and settings that made us fear any type of assault. When a man steps over the limits of what feels socially acceptable and safe, we don't know what will happen to us in the bathroom, the parking lot or on the walk home. Will he be there next time? Will he go further? Will he be mad we told the staff? And often it isn't just one guy, one time. It's a pattern of men not respecting our space and not caring about making us uncomfortable.
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u/Charming-Employee-89 4d ago
So sorry you had this experience. It sounds traumatizing for sure. Maybe there is a woman’s climbing group (even monthly) that you can attend and meet people to climb with more regularly?
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u/excelnotfionado 3d ago
This is beyond frustrating but flat out angering and I’m mad and scared this happened to you at a climbing gym. Honestly I’ve been to 4 climbing gyms across the southern US states and have zero issues like this. My local gym is extremely wholesome and they’re all beyond focused on sending it.
Really hoping your next gym is like my local gym.
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u/Different-Bag1388 3d ago
I hope you find a community of nice climbers/girls to climb with and that you don‘t have to give up on your hobby because of asshole men. maybe you can find them through the gym or this app that brings climbers together?
also you‘re not a complainer, this is real
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u/reformgoblin 4d ago
God they need a "what gym harassment looks like" to be part of the waiver before you join. My gym made you watch full videos on how to use the gym in its waiver. I am apprehensive around all men and would love women+ only hours at my gym, but a la the museum in Australia there would be dumb ass lawsuits about gender equality for men.
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u/ListZealousideal4488 4d ago
Nobody reads the waiver lol
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u/reformgoblin 4d ago
Which is why i brought up the videos I had to watch. You are forced to watch a video, not read, much more likely to keep attention.
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u/Alleygatorteeth92 3d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. If you're in Colorado maybe we can climb together
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u/Daybreak_on_the_Land 18h ago
It's not 1 in 10K. It's 1 in 75. Maybe 1 in 50. If women are not telling you, it's because you are not a safe place for them to discuss it. But we share our intel with each other in our local communities. Folks have stories, from staring to felony levels. And yes, it is shocking and very disappointing.
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u/Xstinqq_o 4d ago
Sorry to read this story. Honestly a very weird interaction to have at the gym with someone. Climbing has always been such a safe place for myself and around me to escape everything else so its quite disheartening to see another man ruin it for another climber.
I hope the gym handled it well and that you are able to pick up the sport again as you seem to be a keen climber and would hope you don't drop it for one bad egg!
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u/Temporary_Spread7882 4d ago
Do you have any friends you could go with? More fun like that anyway. Lots of gyms also have some kind of group chat, Facebook group or other forum for people to organise climbing sessions together - maybe yours has too, and you could try to find one or more climbing partners?
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u/PixelCatz 4d ago
That is absolutely horrible and I'm sorry you've had to experience that. Idk where you live but if you ever find yourself in central NC all of the TRC gyms I have been to were absolutely phenomenal spaces to climb and people are so friendly/chill.
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u/thealycat 4d ago
This is horrifying, and you deserve to feel safe in your gym, point blank.
Do any of the gyms in your area have women only climbing groups, like ladies climbing coalition? There’s always comfort in numbers.
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u/Material_Ad5810 3d ago
I am very sorry for your experience and it's horrific. Can't imagine how creepy it was.
I am a man, so my advices prob wont be that helpful or may not be helpful at all, and I am coming from an area, where such situations wouldn't happen that often because of local mentality (or so I believe), but what my female friends shared with me a lot — while climbing in a group with someone the chances of being approached are much lower, at least in their experience. And it may not be possible of course, but if theres a chance for you to climb with someone, whom you already know, its probably going to become better. You also wont give that much of attention to random stares from somebody, if you are focused on communicating with somebody already.
A bit more to stares — I feel (I am mostly boulderer) that its happens a lot if there a lot of beginners in gym, and it isnt really specified to gender. When I was at the start myself, I would sometimes just stare at somebody climbing the same boulder for few minutes to learn the beta or just admire what they're doing. Now I myself getting stares pretty often, and I do understand that I don't possess any of concerns you have, but it's probably something you are just going to accept at some point — in comparison to some other sports communities, I feel like beta-learning just depends on watching others in climbing. And as I said previously, people in my area are more mindful about such things (or so I think), so my female friends aren't really bothered about it, at least to my knowledge.
Apart from climbing, maybe just change gyms. Maybe it won't change the situation and the community will still be full of some dorks, but at least it will give you some "space" on the start and won't be reminding about what happened that directly, as the gym, where it happened, does.
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u/Daybreak_on_the_Land 2d ago
WTF are you doing creeping around in the Climber girls subreddit??? And then giving a woman advice on how to feel safer?? GTFO. I can't even !
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u/Material_Ad5810 1d ago
Not sure why, but it keeps popping up in my notifications from time to time, probably because I looked some things up from it long time ago (e.g. I used to have long hair, which bothered me by climbing and after it, and I actually got some good advices at this subreddit), although I usually ignore it because of the exact reason you wrote. I just found situation horrific and tried to somehow find an solution for her. And I do acknowledge that my advices won't be that helpful or helpful at all, and I am not able to view her situation from her perspective in anyway but for some people reading it later, it may give an another perspective on things, so that's why I specifically stated what my female friends told me and that I am a man, when I was giving my personal view on it. I am sorry if I offended you, but that wasn't anywhere near my goal.
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u/Daybreak_on_the_Land 1d ago
It's ok for women to have their own spaces with men. Please consider.
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u/Material_Ad5810 1d ago
Totally agree on this and thanks for pointing it out, I'll respect that. Sorry again to OP, hope she gets back to climbing soon.
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u/PuppyButtts 3d ago
Hello. Work at a gym. We would ban this man. Talk to front desk staff please next time with follow up, dont just leave. You can even call back and ask what happened as you dont feel good about going unless hes gone
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u/FFelix94 3d ago
Und das wird jetzt auf alle männlichen Kletterer bezogen in deinem Kopf? Das ist aber schade! Denn so wie ich die Kletter Community kenne ist das einer von 10000! Blöd das dir sowas passiert ist absolut! Aber davon nicht entmutigen lassen :) wir männlichen Kletterer sind doch voll entspannt:D
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u/science_barbie 4d ago
Can you climb at another gym? The first gym I went to had a weird vibe and so many men asking me for my number repeatedly even though I clearly communicated that I'm married and just there to climb. I switched gyms because of this and the weird male-centric setting at that gym. I haven't had a single issue at my new gym and the vibes are just much better overall.