r/consulting • u/Feisty-Television654 • 20d ago
Dad with a terminal illness
My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness last year. He has ~3-5 year expected timeline and will gradually decline as time goes on and will need a full time caregiver.
I am in my twenties and live across the country. I have been at my current job for a few years and have received high ratings. I work at a big company with offices across many cities, including the one where my family is.
My current goal is to go visit once every few months and work remote from there. My office is two days a week in person. I usually only am able to see my dad a few times a year because I am busy working.
I am conflicted whether I transfer offices because it is a smaller office and I would be uprooting my entire life and all my friends. I don’t know how to balance my demanding career and being able to spend time with my family. I haven’t told anyone at work because I don’t want my family situation to be weaponized against me if I make a mistake and they say I am distracted or something. Despite being sad
I try my best to maintain a happy composure. I don’t want people to treat me differently. I enjoy the work I do and the company I am at but it is definitely hard when I work late and have unpredictable hours (example: not being able to go to family dinner).
My dad really doesn’t want me to move because he doesn’t want me to uproot my entire life but I keep missing him even when I am sitting right with him.
I don’t know if I will have regret if I keep at my current job while my family is across the country and I can’t see them. Has anyone managed this situation and has any advice?
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u/TomVonServo 20d ago edited 20d ago
Dawg ima be real with you. Fuck your job. Honestly. Your father’s casket will weigh less than you think. Your mother’s will weigh more than you can carry. Your job hates you. Not actively. Not maliciously. It hates you through indifference. You are nothing to them. Another young name that will come and go. They will not help you carry the pain of loss, nor will they remember you when you go.
Change offices. Better yet quit the job. Be there for your dad. You are so young. So young. Take it from an old guy. You have so long to find your next career. And the one after that. You will be so many things in your life. But you will only have one dad and one mom, and when they’re gone you will be an orphan of memory—there will be no one left who remembers you when you were so very small, and who loved you without limits.
Fuck. Your. Job. Fuck “every few months.” Go be there. There’s always another job. And consulting sucks. We all know it. Don’t trade a moment of your father’s precious years for a “pls fix” and a client who resents your costs. Live your life for yourself, not some equity partner who will bin you without a second thought. You are too important. Have you ever seen a consulting partner you thought was cool? Or that you wanted to be like save for their bank account? No. They’re all dorks. Worse yet they’re chickenshit. Never had the balls to build anything. Or really lead people. Take an honest, hard look at them. They are all fucking dorks pretending to be hardos.
Be there for your dad.
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u/Name_is_in_Use4567 19d ago
This really resonated with me, although my situation was a little different. I worked through my dad's chemotherapy and the multiple ICU trips that came with it. There was no acknowledgement of what was happening, no meaningful reduction in workload, and no real adjustment to expectations. I just kept working. And then, after my dad died and I had gone through the funeral, one of the first things I was asked was why a particular file hadn't been completed. There was no sense that the person on the other side of that conversation had any idea what had happened in my life. Looking back, I think it was the realisation that I had been treating my ability to keep performing as proof that I was okay and the organisation had been quite happy to do the same. I wish I'd understood then that surviving a terrible period while continuing to work doesn't mean you weren't paying a price for it.
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u/TomVonServo 19d ago
I don’t know who would be downvoting you or why. But I’m sorry you went through that. It’s easy to keep running and tell yourself that you’re okay. I hope you find peace with it. And don’t work there anymore.
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u/omgFWTbear Discount Nobody. 20d ago
Real talk - whatever anyone says about the receiving office is bullshit.
Every job is your supervisor, so transferring is just starting a new job with less steps, and all the risk that entails. You’re young, so even in consulting, you’ll probably have naive optimism. I’m not saying it’ll suck, I’m saying it’s a roll of the dice and don’t let anyone snow you otherwise.
That said, what do you want out of life? Ten years from now, when you’ve got more money than Midas, will you regret not being there for dad?
Ten years from now, when you’re struggling to make rent, will the knowledge that dad held your hand in his final moments carry you?
I have a father and a stepfather, and for what it’s worth, I’d give a different answer to the above depending on which one I am reflecting on.
You can find a million posts here on people who either needed to hear that you’ll never get time back with family, or are grateful that they gave up what they gave up for family. Life has uncertainties and risks. Nobody else can answer what your dad means to you.
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u/fabkosta 20d ago
cause I don’t want my family situation to be weaponized against me if I make a mistake and they say I am distracted or something
If that’s the work culture you are in then something is already wrong.
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u/Additional-Tax-5643 20d ago
That is the work culture, not just in consulting but pretty much any competitive industry.
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u/sally-the-snail 20d ago
Second this. I was once told to “watch out” for a particular consultant on my team because they were having trouble keeping up. That consultant was a ~20 year old whose last remaining parent had died about a month earlier. That interaction told me more about my then employer than it did about that poor kid.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 20d ago
That's just not true.
I had a manager in a competitive industry offer me support after a bad breakup, years and years ago. Time off, employee psych services, etc. Didn't use any of it. Probably should have.
Friend of mine was at a top law firm. His mom died. His performance fell off. They had his back. When my dad was terminal, a partner firm I worked closely with was highly supportive of me prioritizing him, as well as my terminal cat. Neither took away from my work, but it was understood that they were always top priority. I didn't work on our joint projects for a week when my cat died. They picked up the slack.
There's a lot of toxicity, but it's far from universal. You can guarantee a toxic work environment only one way - by imposing it on yourself and never giving anyone a chance to do the right thing by you.
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u/curiouslysolwipe 20d ago
This is not the norm
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 20d ago
Maybe you should require more of the people with whom you work.
I honestly don't think you can really know what the norm is. Neither can I. We're both filtering in our own ways.
Regardless, if you choose not to request fair treatment, you're the one imposing the hardship on yourself. You can't know how someone will handle something if you don't give them the chance.
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u/curiouslysolwipe 20d ago edited 20d ago
Or maybe some of us don’t have that luxury? I know a bunch of people who work in consulting because they’re low income first gen (myself included), or they’re the only type of companies that actually sponsor internationals. If you grow up poor you accept the toxicity because you’re making 5x what your blue collared parents make in a year combined
I personally don’t think OP should tell anyone at work unless they’ve got a really good relationship with their leadership, but even then once they switch offices it’s a new snake pit to navigate
This story hits home for me bc my dad is in a later stage of cancer. I’m not trying to invalidate your good experiences, I’m glad they existed, but I feel like something shifted after covid where people just don’t care about others anymore. I was leading client calls and making decks during my grandmas funeral visitation. And another work stream lead at work told me my SM was pissed at me for missing one day of work for the actual funeral.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 20d ago
If you're making multiples of what you can make in your home country, then you do have more to lose because your entire lifestyle is dependent on sponsorship. It's a precarious life you've chosen. Big risk. Big reward.
That doesn't change my assertions or their validity. It just means you have more at stake, in a relative sense.
As an aside, I wish I'd had the opportunity to grow up in a poor country, earn in a wealthy one, and retire back home comfortably, rather than having to start a second life later for something analogous. I'm a bit jealous. There's nothing remotely close to that opportunity for an American. It's really pretty amazing. But you're right that it is a high risk, high reward maneuver.
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u/curiouslysolwipe 20d ago
No, I’m from the US. But until I started working in consulting, we lived at the poverty line as a family of 4. I only mentioned internationals because I’m in a FTMBA, and they consistently say if they had a choice, they would not be in consulting. You’re so right in that I need more conviction but it’s a bad habit to break since I’ve always been in survival mode and I alr feel like I don’t belong in these spaces.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 20d ago edited 20d ago
Gotcha. I understand why you think what you think, but I'd say you're now on roughly equal footing with any other American who debt funded their education and whose family can't help them if things go wrong. That's most people.
What you're describing is self-imposed anxiety and imposter syndrome. It might help to know that most professionals experience that, too.
As a general rule, anything you're too afraid to lose will control and limit you. You shouldn't be willing to throw valuable things away meaninglessly, but you have to be able to reasonably determine what they are worth, in relative terms, and you have to trust in yourself to get them back if you lose them for the right reasons.
Until you can view things that way, you will hold yourself back.
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u/Additional-Tax-5643 20d ago
Not sure what your definition of "universal" is. But there are plenty of wrongful dismissal lawsuits on the books to prove you wrong. Keep in mind that these lawsuits are only from people wealthy enough to actually afford financing a lawsuit in the first place.
Even for something as straightforward as correct pay/benefits and workplace safety, many people don't have the luxury to launch legal fights.
Unpaid wages in the US alone amount to hundreds of million of dollars. Never mind all the other G7 countries, or all those people in second- and third-world countries.
I think that indicates that your experience is the exception rather than the rule.
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u/CaramelOld485 20d ago
+1 to what everyone has said so far. My dad has a terminal illness and I haven’t been around bc of work, and now he’s at the end of life. Even though I’m here for the last few days, I wish I could rewind time and have decided to spend more time, whether more frequent visits or relocating for a period of time.
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u/MohiMedia 20d ago
No amount of money ever bought a second of time. Went through this last year, moved back in with my parents and WFH during hospice. When he really starts deteriorating the time with him will be less impactful and you'll regret not making more out of when he was healthier. I hope this doesn't happen to you but one day you're chatting and the next a conversation isn't possible anymore and you're just waiting for the lights to go out completely. Your dad wants you to live your life and not burden you, but it will eventually hit you how much the money and a corporate career that never cared about you paled in comparison to your dad. One was replaceable. The money and job title can always be regained. If possible I would recommend the move to the closer office. And preferably before he really starts to decline, take time off entirely to be present as his son/daughter for an extended period of time to just talk and not the guy/girl that's WFH out of his house and part time caregiver. It definitely financially impacted me and I've been playing catch up for the last year, but my only regret is that I was WFH the entire time and didn't take time to be completely cutoff from having work on my mind.
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u/Mackiddy3 20d ago
Obviously quite hard to understand how you are settled in your current city and if your home city would severely hamper your career progress. It could or could not be worth moving back “home” from a work standpoint.
What I will say, as someone working in Strategy consulting and with a deceased dad: You will never regret the time you spend with him. However, you may regret the time you spend at work. In any case, try to find a way to spend as much time as possible regardless of your location. Hope it helps, wishing you the best going forward.
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u/superexcited 20d ago
It seems like your dad is someone you care about deeply. Given the limited time left, make that move and be closer to him while you can. Your job is never guaranteed, and given your high performance marks, you should be able to find something else if needed.
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u/Tyler_s_Burden 20d ago
I have managed this situation. I am a female and was in my early 30s, and my relationship with my dad was probably different than yours.
I did prioritize spending a lot more time with him. I was traveling full time to a project site, so at least once a month I would just travel back to his house for the weekend and go straight back to the client site from there instead of going home. It sounds like you would need to change offices or make many more trips while maintaining the status quo otherwise. You can afford to do either, and I suggest you just map out what both would look like - the pros and cons - and which you feel you can live with.
My experience:
When things changed (lung cancer) they changed suddenly. He wasn’t so much more ill at first, but his mind didn’t work the same way at a certain point. He just wasn’t the same and conversions I thought I had more time to have were permanently out of reach. I would offer that you check with medical professionals if “once every few months” will give you the time you think it will given the specific condition/prognosis.
Once he was gone I really regretted not making this kind of time with him when he was healthy. We didn’t have a great relationship, but it got better when I was around a lot more as an adult, and I wish I had done that before be got sick.
My brother had a young family and wasn’t able to spend as much time visiting after the diagnosis. He really only came once he was pretty sick and seemed to really beat himself for not getting there sooner. My sister was in the same boat but has seemed far more at peace with it, so I don’t think other people’s experiences can be a perfect guide.
Finally, I’m no longer with the same company, although everyone was great about it. I let a few people know what was going on and no one weaponized it against me. It’s not hard to imagine you also will not end your career with this same company, regardless, given your age.
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u/BrownRebel 20d ago
I had this exact scenario. Dad, Terminal cancer. 18 months, diagnosis to passing. Former PwC.
Don’t wait. Make the changes. Assuming you and your dad are close you will always regret not being there as much as you can without losing your job.
Talk with your manager tomorrow. Make your intentions clear. Move offices.
I have had 100% of the time I will ever have with my father and I would kill for another second.
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u/PaoloCalzone 20d ago
Hey
https://www.thebalancemoney.com/work-life-balance-and-juggling-glass-and-rubber-balls-2275864
>"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them—work, family, health, friends, and spirit—and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls—family, health, friends, and spirit—are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.”
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u/blobblob73 20d ago
My dad’s been dead for 8 years. I will always wish I had spent more time with him prior to the end. The end isn’t quality time. Your perspective on work/careers may change after he passes.
Every company is different but some companies have ways to allow people to go on leaves while keeping their “spot”. Might be unpaid though.
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u/yabdabdo I don't need to clutter my task history with cucumbers 20d ago
I went through this when we found out we had a year. I transferred. I don’t regret it.
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u/theonetruecov 20d ago
I was in a similar situation - my father got a terminal cancer diagnosis only a year after I started. He needed help at home and I told my advisor (who I was friends with) at the time "I'm going to work from home, or I'm going to have to quit."
He went to our business leader, softened the tone of what I said, and they came back saying that they would support me 100%. And they did.
I relate this story only to let you know that while it's maybe reasonable to expect moving away would take you away from opportunities, but as others here have stated, you only have one dad, and the reaction from the workplace might be far more supportive of your situation than you currently expect.
Sorry this is happening to you. It sucks, and I wish you well.
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u/tribriguy 20d ago
I’m pretty corporate, and play that game really well. But I am full-stop in agreement with those here advocating spending the time you will never get back. Even if there are minor impacts on your job/career, they pale in comparison to the important relationships. I wouldn’t hesitate to move, even just for those few years. Even if you have to work a bit harder on the daily to keep in the mix. The off-time proximity and ability to spend time with your family is priceless in context. I know if I did that and things went south with work, I would still be able to look in the mirror every day and know that I did the right thing.
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u/ActiveDinner3497 20d ago
First, sending hugs. 🫂🫂 I feel you.
Second, my father has pancreatic cancer. He rang the bell but we all know the long term survival rate. He starts radiation and chemo (again) this week. My mom has a severely leaking heart valve and aFib. She has heart surgery within the next couple months once her stent heals. They tell me the same thing - don’t mess with my job due to their illnesses.
I live 1 1/2 hours away. I am 46 years old and I know I am counting the visits in dozens. Not hundreds. With all my years and all my visits, it still hasn’t been enough time. It will never be enough time when your parents are amazing.
If you can, do what your heart tells you to do. Listen to stories, take videos, capture pictures regardless of what you decide. And know it’s okay to be scared and sad.
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u/Purple-Praline-4864 20d ago
You’ll never get that time with your dad back. If you’re able to be by family, I would totally go that route.
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u/Additional-Tax-5643 20d ago
If you have a good relationship with your dad and are missing him while you're away, you know what the right answer is.
You can always take a career detour, go back for an MBA (or whatever) to get back in the game.
What you can't do is buy more time with your dad.
Dealing with health issues of a loved one becomes a full time job pretty quickly, esp. if the rest of your family are not on the same page to help navigating the health system, insurance companies, etc.
I say this as a daughter who faced the same situation with my dad, and I deeply regret not being more involved earlier.
It would have saved me considerable grief (and money) to deal with the fact that he was very abused and kept that from me until it was too late, and he was too frail to live longer. I believe I lost out on at least 5-8 years with him as a result.
I hope the rest of your family are decent people and not vultures, like my immediate family members turned out to be.
Go be with your dad, and don't feel an ounce of guilt about it.
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u/UnfazedBrownie 20d ago
If you’re able to, I would change to that office that is close to your dad. There are going to be lots of situations where you need to be there locally for appointments and getting things in order. If you’re a high performer, you will rebound if there’s anything that dents your career from making this move.
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u/Money-Brick7917 20d ago
I was in a similar situation and my mom was in another country. Luckily I could do home office from my home country a few times a year (for one or two weeks) and also spent my vacation days with her. When her time came, work did not matter anymore. And I think you will feel the same. Since then I started to value the time spent with the loved ones more than working. Career is important but it is not everything. My career did not suffer and luckily my employer was understanding.
I would go to your family. Your mom might still appreciate having you close by, even afterwards.
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u/BigDomsLeftovers 20d ago
A job is a job. You only have one Dad. Prioritize your family first. Trust me on this one and all my very best to your father and your family.
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u/tanbirj ex MBB/ ex Big 4 20d ago
Time with your family is precious. You only have a limited time. Go and move closer to him, spend as much time with him as you can, or else you will regret it.
Yes, consulting is a busy and demanding career. I’m not saying stop what you are doing, but you can ease off for a while. There’s always a route back in when the time is right.
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u/copper678 20d ago
Transfer offices. You spending time with your Dad is something you’ll never regret.
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u/Tjgoodwiniv 20d ago
I took care of my dad during COVID. He had COPD and COVID would have killed him, so I left a dream job to be with and help him (money sucked, but every day felt like eating ice cream for breakfast). I isolated for 3 straight years to protect him. No friends. No dating. No bars, restaurants. No stores without a mask. I went as far as you can go.
I sacrificed literally everything for him. I don't know if I'd go that far again. I honestly don't. It was a huge sacrifice. In many ways, my dad's attitude and behavior reduced my quality of life significantly during that period.
But I do know that, not knowing what I know today, I would have regretted it if I hadn't. From what you've described about already missing him, I think that's how you'll feel, even though you shouldn't feel regret because you do have to live your life, too.
But there will always be jobs. You get one dad. See if you can find something close to home. Don't give up everything. But see if you can just be in the same town, or nearby.
But be aware - a terminal diagnosis and a timeline isn't a countdown. It might come sooner, or it might come years later. You never know how long someone has. My dad "only had a few months left," according to him, for years. I think that was him catastrophizing and misleading my mother and me for sympathy, but the point stands. Regardless, you have to learn to live with your dad being terminal without always thinking about it. For me, this took time and just a constant wearing down of the raw, painful emotional nerves. It may just take time. But you can't run a constant countdown or you are going to have a horrible 3, 5, 10 years. It's no way to live. You should see a therapist to help get yourself on track. This is another reason to be nearby. If you aren't then, as you get used to living with the circumstances, the distance will make visits less urgent, and you will see him less than you'd wish, when it's over.
As for friends, i often find myself asking, "will I even be speaking to this person in ten years?" The answer is almost always, "probably not." The reality is almost none of your friends really matter, in a lifelong sense. Those who do will stay in touch if you move.
Also, if your employer is the type to weaponize your grief, fuck 'em. They should expect you to do your job, but they should also expect you to be human and care about you as a person. You can't really know whether they handle it the right way unless you give them a chance.
Thing about life is you're going to regret whatever choice you make because you'll always wonder what might have been. You have to decide what kind of regret you can best live with, and what kind of sacrifice you can best bounce back from. That's on you to decide. But you'll earn more money tomorrow, and none of it will be able to buy another conversation with your dad.
And keep in mind - nothing really changed. It feels like it did. It didn't. Everyone is terminal. Nearly everyone's going to lose their parents at some point. The difference is that you have either the blessing or the curse of having a good idea of when it's coming. Truth is it's a little bit of both. Everyone else gets to deny the reality a little longer than you do, but it's coming for everyone.
Sorry, dude. I do know exactly what this is like. Whatever you choose, always remember that you're choosing based on the best information you have right now. What you learn in five days or five years has no bearing on that choice. You can only work with the knowledge you have right now, as the person you are right now. So future you has to view today you's decisions through that lens, with compassion and fairness.
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u/jsontravel 19d ago
I lost my dad 5 years ago. I still miss him every single day. I was - and I guess I still am - super busy with work, family and obligations. I had a chance to see him weekly, as I lived nearby. Yet, I still feel I should have spent more time with him, even if I feel nothing was left unsaid during our +40 years together.
Changing jobs is trivial, and it will happen a dozen times or more in your life. You only have one dad. I cannot say what you should do, but if I were in a similar situation knowing what I think I know now, I'd move next weekend.
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u/Night-watcher20 20d ago
Just ask for the office relocation. Jobs come and go, and from what you wrote, you are a good professional. Make sure to be as close as possible to your father for his remaining years. I feel like this could haunt you down the road if you decide to stay in the current city
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u/circlebacktomorrow 20d ago
I’d make the move. You have the rest of your life to work, but you’ll never be able to get that time with your dad back. You should be with him while he’s still here.
Sincerely, someone in a competitive career who lost his mom a couple years ago. Luckily, I managed to be with her in her final months. I wish every day that I could have her back.
I’m so sorry about what you and your family are going through, friend.
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u/ZealousidealShift884 20d ago
If you have the ability to transfer offices you already have a solution right in front you. Your dad only needs you for maybe 5 years - is that really so hard to sacrifice for someone who has loved you your whole life? In the grand scheme of things it is the right thing to do.
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u/Necessary-Truth-2038 20d ago
Your job doesn’t give a fuck about you. I’d give up all the jobs in my life to have my father back again. I guarantee you once you lose your father, you’ll look back at this post with shame.
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u/buffinator2 20d ago
In his last few months Dad was back and forth between the hospital and nursing facility before going to hospice, and I was able to go visit him every day and sometimes multiple times per day. Thankfully I’m able to have Mom live with me as her own health is deteriorating. I’m self-employed, and being a caretaker eats into a lot of opportunities, but one day I’ll look back and say it’s 100% worth it.
Fuck the job. Be there for your parents.
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u/Striking-Piglet-4705 20d ago edited 19d ago
I went through something like this and I chose eventually to move back. I think either way you choose can be the right choice for you. It may feel like a risk but I might consider reaching out to someone senior you trust at your company and looping them in. I think family illness is one of those things that tends to rally people to you. And maybe that helps you see this not as a binary choice. And you can get some mentorship / advice to see a path with optionality. That said, i agree with everyone saying that work is not life / etc. And you may find something surprising in choosing to slow down a bit to care for your dad.
Also I hope it is within your family’s means to look into home help / long term care. These situations take much in many ways and it’s worth thinking of how you can be one of those helping / caring and not the only one. It will also give you more space in you to not just care but perhaps also savor it.
Regardless, my best to you and your family.
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u/Chemical-Ear9126 19d ago
I think if you don’t spend as much time with your dad, you’ll regret it. Your job and career will always be there. My dad has been gone for over 28 years and my mum for over 15, and I miss them.
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u/AzizOfArabia 19d ago
Move to your hometown office and be next to your dad. There are things in life that you cannot assign a value to
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u/offbrandcheerio 19d ago
Prioritize the people in your life. No one ever says “gee, I wish I’d have worked a little more” on their death bed.
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u/dragonite_7 19d ago
I’m going through this. Terminal mom far away, sour marriage, demanding consulting job, and several other things all hitting at once. I’m looking into FMLA, some states offer paid leave, mine doesn’t unfortunately. But you shouldn’t need to leave your job.
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u/bitcoin_monger 15d ago
Apologies that you have to go through this.
Context- similar situation, Manager at a T2, lost dad 6 months ago to a terminal illness after diagnosis a year ago.
How we handled when we got to know (no right way -, just my way) - Uprooted family without a second thought to be with dad.
Looking back - I can do my rating and promotions a year or two late. But the time I spent with dad was worth the trade.
My 2 cents-
- align with your current team if project needs can be accommodated through remote / minimum travel.
- If it doesn’t work - fuck it - you can find another job but no amount of work rating will bring back a day with your dad back once things go south.
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u/CheeseburgerLover911 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. There's a 3rd option to consider. You might qualify for flexible workplace accommodations through FMLA. Per year, you're allowed 12 workweeks of unpaid leave to care for a parent with a serious health condition; more importantly, it may also allow flexible work arrangements (I am not a lawyer)...
I'd give Claude, or an actual lawyer your company policy on this (see your employee handbook) and build a case where you ask to work remotely for the next 3-6 months.
In 3- 6 months, you can revisit this, based on your dad's health.
Cross-post this in /r/AskHR to get more advice.....
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u/DeeEllis 20d ago
This may be more of a parent caregiving question or situation than a consulting question. Have you considered moving your dad to you?
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u/thisothernameth 20d ago
Careerwise there are always open doors - especially for high performing people. And at future interviews you will have a very good answer for why you changed your work situation. That door to spend time with your dad on the other hand is closing forever.