How?

[u/Educational_Tap7436]

My avoidant ended our 4 years relationship three weeks ago, and during the first week it was really hard for me, I had Panic attacks and sometimes he tried to cheer me up, then since 2 weeks we are having no contact and he temporarily moved to his family until I'll move from our flat.

I don't really know, he left me during another fight drastically, and after an hour, crying, he said to me that he loves me and that I'm his future, but that now he cannot have this relationship and he would prefer to lose me than continuing this, craving his peace and freedom; though in these last 2 weeks, he contacted me two times, asking me if I was okay and to reach out someone if something bad happened, but nothing more. I also needed someone to come with me next Thursday to the dentist because I'll have an operation, and even after he broke up with me, he took a free day from work to come with me, saying he wants just to help, but I feel really uncomfortable about it, and I have no one else I can ask for, so I feel also kind of trapped by it, and by his words.

Can someone explain to me, how a person can first say that we aren't compatible, that we were just having problems and it is better to end, but then says that he loves me and sees a future with me, and that if in 6 months or a year we'll casually catch up again, maybe he then would be ready? But that he cannot still choose a break and really have to leave me now and focus on him?

He is even still keeping our pictures on his WhatsApp after weeks, I don't get it.

I told him that I prefer to put a final end forever than thinking to wait a year or so alone, and that I love him a lot but I cannot think that, after I spent 4 years forgiving him and his behaviour, that I can stand here not sure while I'll have to change all my life again.

What do you guys think?

For years we had same conversations because he struggled with honesty and his insecurities brought him to hag out with unhealthy people for years, and for years I was gaslighted and pushed away, until he accepted the truth about his friends and his behaviours, and tried to be honest, but most of the time he didn't give what I asked and blamed me. This gave me a lot of depression for years, and I became really hopeless and resentful, arriving to become anxious and aggressive, but at the same time I realized how bad I was becoming and I also tried to change while trying to get honesty while trying to give trust even if everything told me not to, you know? Overwhelming. But I love this person, I don't know how, I can't tell what it is forcing me to, but I feel I have such deep feelings for him; I was happy when he could face the truth and change his behaviours for himself and for the relationship; but later he was brought back into that lifestyle and started to lie again while being distant, and I was getting so isolated, that I didn't see how to put boundaries and not to overcome all of this again, then the breakup happened.

I moved to another country for him, making future plans and building a new life, and since my friends didn't support this relationship for years, they disconnected from me slowly and now I'm forced to live here for a year for health concerns and I feel so stuck while so overwhelmed and lost.

I gave so much trust and will in this relationship. I felt we were growing up together and he was finally facing things he didn't want to see, and now I feel my love was thrown like it wasn't important as someone I love deeply is willing to lose me like it isn't a big deal, while giving me these phrases that confuses me more and makes me feel even more unsure of what to do or how to act. We tried. A lot. And we broke up a lot of times. But recently I even told him I was willing to fight more for us, and that I was willing to help him overcome his traumas and behaviours, but he didn't really want us anymore. How can I overcome all of this?

[u/undertalemisfit]

it takes time. getting through something so painful will require some time to grieve. so go no contact for a while, and grieve the relationship