Thank you for the perspectives. The intense pain in my heart right now won’t let me forgive myself for not being the right person for him, but maybe in a few days I will have dried my tear ducts and will have to start working towards healing.
I can see value in your rule - thank you so much for that - I’ll keep it in mind for later. I hope to really grow after this and become a better person, whether or not I find love again.
I was here only a couple months ago!!! And now… it’s only mildly better. Just being honest. Sometimes healing takes a long time and I am impatient and want to heal and be over her now. I recognize it’s over. I recognize that she carries at least half the blame when, at first, I shouldered around 90% of it. I also know that, to a lot of women, I am quite the catch! Family man who values spending time and raising kids, stayed at home with them for 10 years while my wife pursued her career, learned to become quite the chef and love making people food as well as using my espresso machine to make yummy lattes and cappuccinos, and am musically gifted and play the piano and sing! I’m sure that you have tons to offer that would attract many guys!
But right now, we both need to heal and grow. I’m having the hardest time letting go and that’s stunting my healing. I’ve definitely grown a lot due to my striving to “win her back” I poured myself into all the ways I failed her and learned how to be a better partner which will serve me well in future relationships. Part of the bitterness I carry is that I FEEL like I never got the chance to fight for our marriage. In reality, there were tons of chances for me to see and recognize all the ways I was hurting my spouse and choose to make a change. I ignored them and thought “things are fine”.
I hate it, but divorce can be a big opportunity to grow for people if they are willing to look honestly at themselves and pursue change. It just sucks that it so often takes drastic life events for major change to happen. I believe I could have done it without divorce looming, but my wife didn’t think so. Yet she mentions how she sees the change in me now, but she’s been checked out for so long that it doesn’t seem to create any longing for any reconnection.
Get in to counseling or therapy. It will do wonders for your mental state and help you identify areas for you to grow and work on yourself so that you aren’t so stuck despairing about what you “lost”. There is hope for you! You have value! You deserve to be loved! If you can learn to look with optimism to the future, then the best of life is yet to come! Dwelling on the past is what will prevent that.
Thank you, kind stranger. It’s silly to compare but you seem to be going through a worse struggle and putting up such a brave face! I cannot even begin to imagine the shock and pain of a divorce.
I guess you are right about there being signs that we could have worked on but in the moment it just felt like “there’s time” - what a falsely reassuring thought! Late realisations is all I’ve got. It’s all gloom and doom for me right now and I’m not sure what a few more weeks or months will do but I shall hold on to the hope that I will heal. I will consider therapy soon if I keep spiralling into negative thoughts and dragging down my self worth.
Wishing you healthy healing and a wonderful life ahead.
Healing takes time, just don't blame yourself too much for what happened. Give yourself some time to feel sad, it's okay, but make sure to also live, hang out if your friends and your parents and do things that makes you happy, that will help the healing process.
You will find someone new, even if it does not feel like it right now. Just as long as you allow it to happen.
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u/query198 1d ago
Thank you for the perspectives. The intense pain in my heart right now won’t let me forgive myself for not being the right person for him, but maybe in a few days I will have dried my tear ducts and will have to start working towards healing.
I can see value in your rule - thank you so much for that - I’ll keep it in mind for later. I hope to really grow after this and become a better person, whether or not I find love again.