But how do you not feel jealous of another person living your dream? How do you get over the feeling of them leaving you - which means you weren’t good enough for them? It’s only been 10 days to my breakup where I actually begged him to stay but his feelings had “plateaued.” I don’t even know what answers I’m looking for. I can’t fathom being friends (he wanted to).
If you still harbour very strong feelings for the other person then it's going to be a lot more complicated to become friends with them.
A few things to keep in mind though:
If they leave you it means you were not the right person for them, not that you were not good enough. Very different things, though when you're full of grief that isn't such an easy thing to differentiate between. If your ex still want to be your friend that means that they still value you.
You're 10 days off from your breakup. Your mind is racing, you probably don't quite know your own feelings, that's natural. It's easy to blame yourself in this instance, but relationships often end without it being anyone's fault.
If you keep blaming yourself and feeling like it was your fault that you broke up you'll never heal. Give yourself some time, but look forward, don't focus on "what could have been" (though given that it was just 10 days ago that your breakup happened, that isn't going to be easy).
A rule I've given myself for my exes, which helped me at the very least is to both remember why I got together with them, and why things ended. The former helps me remember that they're still good people (rather than play the blame game), the later helps me remember that we were just not meant for each other and that I should not cling to any feelings I once had for them.
Thank you for the perspectives. The intense pain in my heart right now won’t let me forgive myself for not being the right person for him, but maybe in a few days I will have dried my tear ducts and will have to start working towards healing.
I can see value in your rule - thank you so much for that - I’ll keep it in mind for later. I hope to really grow after this and become a better person, whether or not I find love again.
I was here only a couple months ago!!! And now… it’s only mildly better. Just being honest. Sometimes healing takes a long time and I am impatient and want to heal and be over her now. I recognize it’s over. I recognize that she carries at least half the blame when, at first, I shouldered around 90% of it. I also know that, to a lot of women, I am quite the catch! Family man who values spending time and raising kids, stayed at home with them for 10 years while my wife pursued her career, learned to become quite the chef and love making people food as well as using my espresso machine to make yummy lattes and cappuccinos, and am musically gifted and play the piano and sing! I’m sure that you have tons to offer that would attract many guys!
But right now, we both need to heal and grow. I’m having the hardest time letting go and that’s stunting my healing. I’ve definitely grown a lot due to my striving to “win her back” I poured myself into all the ways I failed her and learned how to be a better partner which will serve me well in future relationships. Part of the bitterness I carry is that I FEEL like I never got the chance to fight for our marriage. In reality, there were tons of chances for me to see and recognize all the ways I was hurting my spouse and choose to make a change. I ignored them and thought “things are fine”.
I hate it, but divorce can be a big opportunity to grow for people if they are willing to look honestly at themselves and pursue change. It just sucks that it so often takes drastic life events for major change to happen. I believe I could have done it without divorce looming, but my wife didn’t think so. Yet she mentions how she sees the change in me now, but she’s been checked out for so long that it doesn’t seem to create any longing for any reconnection.
Get in to counseling or therapy. It will do wonders for your mental state and help you identify areas for you to grow and work on yourself so that you aren’t so stuck despairing about what you “lost”. There is hope for you! You have value! You deserve to be loved! If you can learn to look with optimism to the future, then the best of life is yet to come! Dwelling on the past is what will prevent that.
Thank you, kind stranger. It’s silly to compare but you seem to be going through a worse struggle and putting up such a brave face! I cannot even begin to imagine the shock and pain of a divorce.
I guess you are right about there being signs that we could have worked on but in the moment it just felt like “there’s time” - what a falsely reassuring thought! Late realisations is all I’ve got. It’s all gloom and doom for me right now and I’m not sure what a few more weeks or months will do but I shall hold on to the hope that I will heal. I will consider therapy soon if I keep spiralling into negative thoughts and dragging down my self worth.
Wishing you healthy healing and a wonderful life ahead.
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u/query198 1d ago
But how do you not feel jealous of another person living your dream? How do you get over the feeling of them leaving you - which means you weren’t good enough for them? It’s only been 10 days to my breakup where I actually begged him to stay but his feelings had “plateaued.” I don’t even know what answers I’m looking for. I can’t fathom being friends (he wanted to).