Ma'am, that is an eleven pound whole slab of deli ham. It has no bones, fat, or connective tissue. It is an amalgamation of the meat of several pigs, emulsified, liquefied, strained, and ultimately inexorably joined in an unholy meat obelisk. God had no hand in the creation of this abhorrence. The fact that this ham monolith exists proves that God is either impotent to alter his universe or ignorant to the horrors taking place in his kingdom. This prism of pork is more than deli meat. It is a physical declaration of mankind's contempt for the natural order. It is hubris manifest. We also have a lower sodium variety if you would prefer that.
That's a far more humorous way of saying that. I worked in a deli for a while. People wanted Swiss cheese without holes and ham that isn't pink. It seemed like I was dealing with morons at times.
Hey! If I want a goddamn slice of Swiss cheese, I want the whole damn slice! I don't want you in the back poking holes in my cheese for your sick fantasy!
I was about to suggest Gruyère but somehow I don’t think these were the kind of customers who would take $20/lb+ in stride. But hey, they said Swiss cheese without holes…
It took a couple beats to wrap my head around it. They didn't exude wisdom. So I figured it was a white cheese. Eventually it was confirmed they actually wanted white American. White. American.
They could get the same damn thing individually sliced cheaper, without a wait. And somehow they forgot the name of a cheese based off their own nationality.
Talking to people in retail you learn most don't even know the names of products just a vague description of something they buy all the time but can't find.
Cool fact is, you can eventually read that shit. I do something similar sometimes. Like I'll buy the sugar free variety or whatever, by mistake. Those fuckers came at me week after week for the same thing.
The first week of every month could be brutal. Some things I understood. Like seniors ordering less than quarter pounds of a couple things. They don't have a lot of money. That's their actual treat, rather than daily lunch. It may have been a bit of yank, due to the workload at the moment, but I didn't mind that much.
You get a lot of weirdos. They seem so particular about how you do everything. But I can virtually guarantee you the pre-packaged stuff was virtually the same. And probably packaged a little more cleanly. Not what we were doing was outright dangerous/dirty. But I got odds that the line that produces only smoked turkey is only going to have smoked turkey in that package.
If you came to me, I had a number of other orders before yours. I didn't have the time to completely clean the cutter between every order. And that wasn't mandated.
The odds that you're getting a little pickle loaf with your ham are higher than 0%.
I had a guy come in EVERY single morning and would wait for me to open, just to buy absolutely all of our breakfast casserole. I'd have to make double the amount just for him. But to be honest, he was probably the only person that actually got it.
And yep, had a lot of those particular people too, the kind of people that clearly haven't seen how kitchens operate behind the scenes. That coupled with hands down the worst boss I've ever had didn't make me stay around there long.
I could only tolerate it for a couple years. There were extenuating circumstances though.
I had the added pleasure of working in a tourist town. So for four months out of the year, you also get ultra privileged folk that are used to whatever boutique shit they get back home. Then they come to Bob's expecting Chez Robert's, at Bob's price.
My shoulder is still fucked up from one of those customers. Literally my last day and she came in for her shaved salami. Cased meats are never going to crumble easy like turkey or chicken, so I had to push down HARD on the handle (with the blade open the absolute minimum) while still moving it back and forth.
Somehow by doing that I tore or damaged my shoulder, and now I get clicks instead of a smooth range of motion. If I still worked there I might have tried workmen's comp, but by the time I realized it wasn't getting better I had been out for a while. Oh well.
I worked in a meat/seafood department for several years. The amount of people I had to explain that tuna and salmon are not naturally print red/orange always surprised me. That and the amount of people that would come in around the holidays and wanted real crab meat for dips and then be shocked at both how expensive it is and that it isn't bright white/red like the imitation stuff was also higher than expected.
Also, a lot of people don't realize it it but like half the fish and other seafood we put in the counter comes in frozen, we're just thawing it out putting it in there. As a tip, if you're buying any type of crab, lobster or shrimp just go get the frozen bags, or ask them for frozen stuff. Crab/Lobster got returned all the time because it sits there forever and likely is at or near its sell by if you get it there.
I had someone ask for Turkey ham and didn't understand those different animals, had a guy insist that his yellow American cheese must be swiss because it had tiny holes, and my favorite was a guy who very confidently kept calling Havarti Javier-y cheese even after being corrected
As a swiss i always wonder what you americans mean with swiss cheese lol because only the Emmentaler has alot of holes, Greyerz, Tilsitter or Lurzern Rahmchäs alls dont have holes and are far superior to emmentaler
Grocers really do try to offer up other cheeses. Even at Walmart stores they have a slightly wider selection in the deli, rather than the dairy. Basically you'll have Mozzarella, Pepperjack, Colby Jack, Cheddar (Mild or Sharp, but seldom both...), and Mexican/Taco Blend in the dairy. That stuff will come sliced, shredded, blocks, and often on sale. The 'fancy' cheese very seldom goes on sale until it's almost out of date.
Whole Foods and random independent grocers tend to have better selections. And by 'independent grocers', I mean the upscale grocery stores with beer gardens. I like those.
That was offered. But the cheese was the 'wrong shape'. Can't have holes. Can't look like cheese that may have came from a hole. Has to be square. I Guess Who'd that shit until they decided white american was their huckleberry.
2 pigs is optimistic; lunchable meat contains turkey and chicken meat too, as well as corn syrup, nitrites, sodium and food colouring.
"Meat" is also stretching it a bit too, as most of it is mechanically reclaimed meat from old carcasses and is mostly stuff like gristle, fat & connective tissue rather than actual lean meat.
It's literally the dregs of the meat industry.
It's also why the "ham" has 0 texture because to mechanically reclaim meat you have to effectively press the carcass through a sieve. The odd pink colour is also
food colouring because if they didn't add it the meat would be grey.
I used to work in a meat processing factory and didn't touch the stuff for ages afterwards because of the foul smells, processes and hygiene standards in producing ultra-processed meats. I also had a friend who worked in a cheese factory; if you think this kind of meat is bad, lemme tell you about how they recycle cheese...
This type of Sausage always looks like this even if you buy it freshly made from a butcher.
It's glossy because it's wrapped in plastic rather than intestine and the ends are crimped with a metal crimp, which causes these creases.
If anything, the processing, cutting into slices, makes it look better.
Looks like a fine sausage to me, obviously not ham
It's because it's the end piece. It's a sausage that's crimped at the end with a metal crimp. And the plastic it's wrapped in isn't stretchy so it creates.
It’s supposed to be a snack/lunch for very young kids. Very low quality shitty good. Not sure why some people romanticize them and eat them into adulthood.
If you you write them a slightly "Karen" tinged email about how it traumatized your kid with these pics you'll probably get a fat stack of lunchables vouchers...
DO THIS!!! but I actually succeeded doing this with another brand by being very nice in the email, not like a Karen. I was saying I felt let down because I loved the brand so much and was a frequent customer. I expressed love for the brand and asked if there was anything they could do. Ended up getting $40 worth of manufacturers coupons from a spoiled $2.99 bottled coffee. It was Kalifia Farms and I had dairy free coffee and chocolate milk I wouldn’t have normally been able to afford for weeks!
I just did this with my Hershey Whoppers that were half chewy, they are sending me a $5 coupon… it would’ve been more profitable to stay at work for the 10 minutes the survey questions took me to answer lol
I always go with keeping my complaint emails silly, and polite and get the same response!
I have gotten so many replacements because products haven’t met my standards. Even when I have genuinely only reached out about what I thought is a design flaw, I’ve been sent new versions of items and other coupons or freebies! 🥰 my momma always said, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
In fourth grade the teacher across the hall from ours got a Lunchable with either no meat or not enough meat or something and I guess wrote in and mentioned she was a teacher. THEIR WHOLE CLASSROOM got a free Lunchable party from the company. This was PEAK favorite food at our school on the late 80s, and I’m still jealous/bitter about it 🤣
I contacted Jif about bad peanut butter years ago and got coupons. However that was the tip of the recall iceberg that came. I only used one coupon before it was all gone from the shelves. They even texted me when the recall happened.
I practically live off these things stuck in a hotel the last 7 months with a Tiney mini fridge and tons of food allergies. There’s no way I could miss that. I eat one of these and totally savour it pretending it’s a full meal, I know it sounds crazy but when it’s what you have for full lunch you trick yourself eat the meat separately for one nibble the cracker and definitely recall the packaging.
They go on sale pretty often and ngl they’re lowkey a good midnight snack!! (sometimes ☠️). The pizza ones are crazy good though, once heated in the microwave or a toaster they’re amazing 🫡✨
You know what's even better? Keeping a slab of real cheese, some decent ham and some nice crackers in the house. Tastier, healthier, cheaper and less plastic.
This is the reason the rest of the world makes fun of American food. They think this is representative of what Americans eat, but then again, some people like OP buy this crap.
Fun fact, I worked at an Arbys when I was 18, and onetime the last sandwich went out at 4:59pm withOUT meat on it. Not on purpose. I just think someone was as surprised as you were here to get a meatless bun.
that's the most disgusting thing I've seen all day. And I'm sure, you'll still probably eat lunchables afterwards. Even though they have tested extremely high for toxic metals too :)
This made me google Lunchable bc I genuinely could not understand what I'm looking at. Do americans actually eat stuff like this? Is this an elaborate joke?
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