r/polyamory • u/Confident_Factor7147 • 6h ago
Struggling to enjoy time with partner
Nesting partner and I have been together for 6 years. We're extremely committed to each other, married, plan our lives around each other, hoping for a baby soon etc.
We've ways been open but usually it's been like more casual things. He's been seeing someone for kind of a while, a bit less than a year.
Throughout this time, I've struggled to understand my own feelings around their relationship. I find myself feeling jealous sort of often. I feel like my partner is so busy most of the time so we end up being more like roommates but when he goes over to meta's house he always finishes his work ahead of time, using "our time" to do so. they plan dates, they went on a trip (without actually asking if I was ok with that which i was nothing but we've addressed that I guess). they just do fun stuff together and when I complain that we're not spending enough quality time together and how that makes me feel, it usually ends up with both of us upset, them saying something along the lines of "I love you so much I don't understand how you can't see that, I'm trying my best". He has gotten better about this.
When we're spending time together my partner brings up meta, what feels to me, quite often and I've told them pleaseto talk about meta less. I see the two of them texting like all the time. I've said please don't text them so much while we're together. but... it seems unrealistic to expect them to never text or bring up a person who they really like to spend time with.
Meta says I love you but my partner doesn't... I think mostly just to spare my feelings but idk for sure.
Anyway, we're away this weekend just the two of us and like the day we get back he's going to sleepover at meta's house. and I'm really struggling to enjoy time with them because I'm feeling like he doesn't actually want to be here with me or something. I'm not sure just feeling really uneasy about it all. I think I'm being too jealous? but I also feel like I'm valid for being upset about a bunch of the stuff my partner and meta do.
22
u/rosephase 5h ago
"hey partner, I want to put two dates a week on the calendar for the month. I'll plan half, you plan half. I want it to be phones down time for us and our connection."
Ask for what you want directly. You are missing fun romantic dating time part of doing poly well is making sure to keep feeding and caring for your more stablished relationships. And that often means putting more effort in when you are in NRE with someone new.
20
u/clairejv 5h ago
You want quality time, affection, and energy from your partner. That's not jealousy.
What if, instead of complaining about what you're not getting, you simply explained what you want? "I want us to have at least one date a week. By 'date,' I mean one-on-one time where we are focused on each other." Your partner can either say yes or no to that.
14
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 3h ago
Stop trying for a baby until you get this sorted out.
them saying something along the lines of "I love you so much I don't understand how you can't see that, I'm trying my best".
This is deflection. You are not asking if he loves you or how hard he tries. You are pointing out that he prioritizes time with Meta and you, that he has a bad case of mentionitis about Meta, and he is burning up your time together to be with Meta.
3
u/Confident_Factor7147 3h ago
thank you! this is very validating honestly. we're not actively trying for a baby currently- definitely want to sort this out first, yeah
1
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 3h ago
If I had to guess, I’d say he was committing the common mistake of Meta being his ”vacation relationship” - he leaves all the boring domestic stuff at home with you and goes off and has fun with Meta - and he is too inexperienced or immature to see why your relationship isn’t equally new and shiny. But that’s someone to sort out in counseling.
1
u/Confident_Factor7147 3h ago
yeah I think so. it's just been hard to articulate that- right like I've tried not to do direct comparison. and like the reality is that it is more fun and less serious by design. I just get sad when it seems like he'd just rather be somewhere else and I get in my head thinking he'd rather be with meta, not me
11
u/Choice-Strawberry392 5h ago
How long has it been since the two of you really had a good time together? Really felt like your energy was pointed at the other? Really had fun?
It's classic in ENM for one partner to get default nesting time, and the other to get the fun play time. Not good. But that happens a lot.
Another thing that can happen is that two people who have mutual goals for the future and similar domestic habits can discover that they live well together, and like each other well enough... but they aren't really buddies in the play-together sense.
If you two have some sparky, playful, energetic fun in your past, then renewing it might be a matter of shifting time and effort. But if dating each other has always been a little fraught and half-measured and thin, then you may have other troubles.
1
u/Confident_Factor7147 3h ago
thanks for the comment- no, we definitely have a lot of fun and good sex and energy and excitement for each other. I think my partner is just really bad with NRE and wants much more ktp whereas I lean a little more parallel. there's obviously a happy middle that we need to negotiate but it can be tough
3
u/EarWise5698 3h ago
I would suggest an ENM friendly therapist, if you don’t have one already. A therapist can act as a mediator when discussions get intense.
We got one once I became my partner’s primary and I moved in, and it’s helped so much. We now have designated “couple’s time” where we focus on each other and don’t text other partners. Asking him to not mention your meta is perfectly reasonable, especially if you are completely parallel.
2
u/Confident_Factor7147 3h ago
thanks :) this is great advice and definitely something we've talked about. we're not completely parallel but his ideal is really ktp and mine is closer to parallel.
•
u/Anxious-Sea-2074 25m ago
his ideal being ktp is his way of saying he doesnt want to hinge, he'd rather you just all got along so he could skip out on his job
1
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Here's the original text of the post:
Nesting partner and I have been together for 6 years. We're extremely committed to each other, married, plan our lives around each other, hoping for a baby soon etc.
We've ways been open but usually it's been like more casual things. He's been seeing someone for kind of a while, a bit less than a year.
Throughout this time, I've struggled to understand my own feelings around their relationship. I find myself feeling jealous sort of often. I feel like my partner is so busy most of the time so we end up being more like roommates but when he goes over to meta's house he always finishes his work ahead of time, using "our time" to do so. they plan dates, they went on a trip (without actually asking if I was ok with that which i was nothing but we've addressed that I guess). they just do fun stuff together and when I complain that we're not spending enough quality time together and how that makes me feel, it usually ends up with both of us upset, them saying something along the lines of "I love you so much I don't understand how you can't see that, I'm trying my best". He has gotten better about this.
When we're spending time together my partner brings up meta, what feels to me, quite often and I've told them pleaseto talk about meta less. I see the two of them texting like all the time. I've said please don't text them so much while we're together. but... it seems unrealistic to expect them to never text or bring up a person who they really like to spend time with.
Meta says I love you but my partner doesn't... I think mostly just to spare my feelings but idk for sure.
Anyway, we're away this weekend just the two of us and like the day we get back he's going to sleepover at meta's house. and I'm really struggling to enjoy time with them because I'm feeling like he doesn't actually want to be here with me or something. I'm not sure just feeling really uneasy about it all. I think I'm being too jealous? but I also feel like I'm valid for being upset about a bunch of the stuff my partner and meta do.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 6h ago
Stop posting, start talking.
I mean be real, you want to become a co parent. Youre not going to have much to offer others for a long while either.
Sit down and say "hey, your lack of focus on us when we have time together is really poisoning our relationship. I need that to stop. I need our time to be kept for us, not work or other partners. We should work to make sure our conversations aren't taken up by other partners. We should go out and have hangs with friends. I want us to continue but only as a genuine partner."
If you two can do that, I think you'll be in a great place of support through the next phases of life.