r/relationships • u/MarshmallowToucan • 1d ago
I (28F) don’t feel connected to my fiancee (29F)
My fiancée and I have been together for 5 years, 1 year engaged.
In the beginning we had a really strong connection and could talk on the phone/ in-person for hours. I felt safe bringing up any issues and she made me feel seen and comfortable. I felt like I finally found my person. I loved being her cheerleading and supporting her and her work endeavors (she has a physically demanding job).
Were both really good at reading each other, even now, we honestly almost always know what the other is thinking.
My fiancée has a lot of amazing qualities. She's dedicated, ambitious, adventurous, hard-working, caring, and an animal lover like me. Everything she has done with work has been for the betterment of our lives.
Our relationship has always had some struggles that we had to learn to navigate. A big one for me is I shut down when people yell (even if it's not directed at me) and my fiancée and her family are very passionate people when they're upset. My fiancée doesn't like when I shut down and had made me feel bad for it, I've communicated that I don't like to be yelled at/ toward, which I was told to "walk away" and "ignore me/ don't take it to heart." I'm also currently in therapy to get better at communicating because it's been harder recently to communicate my feelings and be more vulnerable with her but I do feel like I'm slowly gaining my self-confidence back.
Here's some of my issues that I'm hoping I can get advice on.
1. I no longer feel very close to my fiancée. I feel like were going through the same motions everyday and like were just roommates. Were both rushing after work to get any chores done and gym so that we can sit and play on our phones. I've noticed that I'm quick to be annoyed by certain behaviors, which I feel guilty about later. I don't have much empathy for her and her struggles anymore, I think a main part of that though is that she ALWAYS has something she's struggling with and I feel like I've been used as an emotional supporter/ therapist for the whole relationship. I've suggested she find a therapist in her network and she always has an excuse on why she can't (money/ time/ insurance/ etc) if I bring up a good compromise she says "yea that's true" and then never touches on the subject again. I never pressure her of course but I've told her several times that she would greatly benefit from a therapist. She also makes little comments when I'm doing something she doesn't want me to do. For instance she'll say these in a judgmental tone "Why are you doing that?" "Right now?" "You can't do that any other time?" "What are we doing?" Which don't seem like much but when you hear it every time you're excited to do something, it becomes draining. It's gotten to a point where I've noticed I'm happier when I'm not around her and make plans to do things when she's not around so I don't receive theses small judgmental comments. I don't tell her about the exciting things I'm doing for fear of being judged.
2. When we do have hard conversations she gets VERY defensive. She very quickly assumes that I don't love her anymore and were breaking up. When I bring up issues she's quick to place the blame elsewhere and doesn't take accountability for her actions. This has made it hard to bring up issues, even small ones. She has repeatedly asked me to tell her issues before they become bigger but then reacts like the issue "is no big deal/not worth talking about" She also won't bring up her own issues until I come forward with my own. My fiancée will randomly, out of nowhere, ask me if I still love her and then bring up xyz and say she feels like I don't love her anymore, which is so hard to hear. She'll tell me if I didn't answer how she wanted me to answer, which leaves me feeling like I've failed and have to "walk on glass" in a sense. It also makes me anxious that I'm randomly going to be quizzed and have to prove my love for her at any point in the night.
My fiancée is my best friend and I love her so much, I never want to hurt her but at the same time I feel so disconnected and like I'm only here to benefit her at times. I want to be able to bring up issues without it turning into her yelling and me shutting down. I want to be able to re-connect and be partners again instead of roommates. Part of me worries that the relationship is doomed and were both just holding out hoping it won't end :( She says she loves me so much and I'm her world and that she has no doubts about me, which makes it feel like it's all me and I'm the problem.
TL;DR: I feel disconnected from Fiancee and more like a roommate. She yells when frustrated and it causes me to shut down. Makes small comments that brings down the things I'm passionate about. It's hard to bring up issues since she get's defensive and can't take accountability. I'm in therapy to work on communicating better.
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u/greyfreestyle9976 1d ago
Yelling and then telling you to just walk away or ignore it is such a cop out on her part. You're in therapy working on your communication but she won't even consider it for herself despite you practically begging her to go. That's not a partnership
The little judgmental comments about everything you do would wear anyone down. You're already planning your life around avoiding her and that's a massive red flag. Five years in you should be building each other up, not hiding your excitement
The random quizzes about whether you still love her are manipulative. You're not the problem here, you're just the only one trying to fix things
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u/MarshmallowToucan 1d ago
I feel like it’s so hard because I feel like the bad guy for bringing up issues 😭 she says she loves me so much, I’m her world, she doesn’t know what she would do without me, and says she wants to just go to the court house tomorrow to be officially married. I feel so conflicted between her behavior towards me vs what she says. I feel like I’m stuck
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u/Shambo_Poster 1d ago
"It's gotten to a point where I've noticed I'm happier when I'm not around her"
Time to call it a day on this relationship and spend your time being happier