How to stop being argumentative in my new relationship

[u/give_me_your_cheeses]

I (19F) and my boyfriend (20M) have only been together for a month or two now. I got out of a 2 year relationship in June, only about 2 months before I met my new boyfriend. I feel bad that I didn’t take more time to move on before starting this relationship, I wasn’t planning on getting into another relationship, I just wanted to meet new people and mess around and him and I connected. I like him and I think he’s cool and I like spending time with him but it feels like we can’t spend 5 hours together without arguing about something. Sometimes it’s about music or tv shows or more philosophical things but it’s always something, although it’s rarely ever something super personal. Last night he stopped me and said “you know you don’t need to turn everything into an argument” and I felt a little defensive and said it’s not just me turning things into arguments. I just feel shitty because I like him and I want this to last but at this rate it won’t and I don’t know how to stop myself from arguing with what he says. I know I need more humility and patience and I need to listen better and judge less but in the moment I always fail. In my last relationship I just molded myself into whatever my partner wanted me to be and I lost sight of who I was, so I feel like this stubborn reactive impulse might just be an overcorrection. I just need some tips on how to be more mindful and less combative in conversations. How can I remember in the moment to listen without immediately reacting? Any advice would help
Tl;dr: I’m being argumentative in a way that I don’t like but I feel like I can’t control. How do I learn to stop doing that

[u/toople450]

Can you give some more examples of how these arguments arise? Specific topics, who said what, etc. there's not enough information here to really help, though you seem to be hinting that you are the problem here.

Also, why do you so enjoy spending time with someone you argue with that much? That isn't normal or fun.

Honestly, if you can't hold it together and stop from starting arguments, you might not be in a place for a relationship. Or, he may make the decision for you if he does feel you are starting these arguments. Therapy would help

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/toople450]

I don’t even want to explain what we’ve argued about but I think it is almost all coming from me, I think I’ve just been judgmental of what he says. I feel like subconsciously I probably think that I know better than him. We do fun things together and he really is a kind and good person, that’s why I like spending time with him. I had a hard time finding therapy in the past but I want to look into it again because it has helped me before. Do you really think splitting up is the best option? I know the problem is coming from me but I really want to change my behavior I’m just struggling to figure out how. I think some distance could probably help, but I need to figure out how to address the problem.

[u/ThinkingAboutLasagna → u/give_me_your_cheeses]

You're still being very vague so it's tough to say. Are these fights over politics/values or like what toppings to put on pizza. Very different answers for either way

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/ThinkingAboutLasagna]

It rarely gets political since our values align pretty well. When it is something more significant about values/morals the disagreement usually comes from little nuances

[u/toople450 → u/give_me_your_cheeses]

Still hard to say. I think it's definitely possible to work on this while you're with him. The key is communicating with him that you are working on it, seek feedback, and apologize (I mean GENUINELY reflect where and why you were wrong) when it does happen.

I like the comment that suggests reflecting on what happened right before the argument. Are you tired or stressed about work? What types of topics seem to wind you up? What physical symptoms do you have? (When I'm in a super stressed, lash-outy mood, sometimes I feel a headache coming on - in those situations, I know to pull back a bit from my partner, take some alone time, and not engage with topics that are more likely to get me wound up). Keeping a journal in your notes app could help.

I may have misspoke by implying jumping straight to splitting. Just know that it's not fair to him to be constantly argued with and picked at, and to be treated like he knows less. He may end the relationship because he doesn't want to put up with it. He may think he's ok with staying together while you work on it, but then realizes it's still too much. He may also just start to sit back and take it and not bring things up, which isn't fair to him if you keep this pattern.

It's awesome you can recognize what's going on!! That's huge and sooo many people can't recognize it. Good luck!

[u/RosieBaby75]

Two months isn’t long enough to be single after a two year relationship.

That is what is causing your issues.

You’re treating this relationship like your last one.

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/RosieBaby75]

I don’t know exactly what you mean by saying I’m treating it like my last relationship. I’m definitely overcorrecting some of the things I did wrong in my last relationship. I was extremely codependent and lost sight of myself like I said, and I’m resisting that really hard in this relationship. The mistake I think I am repeating is just not being mindful about how I’m communicating in the moment. I’ve thought a lot about whether or not I should stay in this relationship and how maybe it’s not fair to him that I didn’t have enough time to be single. You might be right, but if I can stop being combative about little things I think that him and I have a good relationship in every other way, and it wouldn’t be fair to him to dump him because I haven’t been single long enough. But if I keep causing problems then yeah I will have to break up with him if he doesn’t beat me to it.

[u/ThinkingAboutLasagna → u/give_me_your_cheeses]

You were very codependent... so you jumped into another relationship almost instantly?

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/ThinkingAboutLasagna]

If I had close friends who spent time with me I wouldn’t have put myself back out there for a relationship. I’ve hesitated a lot getting into this relationship because I don’t want a repeat of last time. But finding friends is harder than finding a boyfriend and the new guy has connected me to more people in this city than ever. I spent my whole first year at university alone in a new city, I couldn’t make a single friend. I feel like I’m making progress now and having someone I can see regularly and who connects me to more people and is overall a pretty good presence in my life has helped me a lot. I have complicated feelings about settling into a relationship again so soon, but I think my post made it seem worse than it actually has been. I’m pretty sensitive to conflict so disagreements stress me out more than they should. You could totally be right but it’s still something I have to figure out myself

[u/ThinkingAboutLasagna → u/give_me_your_cheeses]

I'm sorry but not having friends is just a poor excuse, and just sounds like instead you'd be codependent on them instead of your boyfriend. To address the root of the problem you need to learn what it actually means to be independent.

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/ThinkingAboutLasagna]

How do I do that? I think having friends is really important in finding confidence and mental health and can be sort of protective against being codependent, but maybe I’m not looking at it right. Since the breakup I’ve gotten back to doing the hobbies I’m passionate about and I’m a lot more capable now of having fun by myself than I used to be, and my self esteem is a lot better. I feel like my circumstances are working in my favor but I’m stuck on some things, like being more compassionate and empathetic and humble . Would more alone time help with that? It’s hard because I spent so much of highschool completely alone and I don’t think it would’ve been possible to find stability in myself knowing that if I disappeared nobody would notice. I enjoy my own company but I need to know that there are people who care about me and want me around. But maybe that’s just my codependent tendencies

[u/Ok_Sandwich_973]

After losing yourself in last relationship your brain is now screaming "not this time" at every small disagreement, like defending your identity depends on winning about music taste. But it's not about that

What helped me was noticing the physical feeling before I argue, like a heat in chest or tension in jaw. That's the signal to take one breath before speaking. Even three seconds pause changes everything. You dont have to agree with him, just ask yourself "do I need to say this or do I just need to be heard right now"

Also you can tell him what you wrote here. That you know it's problem and you're working on it but it comes from fear of disappearing again. If he's cool he'll understand and maybe help catch it when it happens

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/Ok_Sandwich_973]

Thank you for the tip. I think this might make a big difference. I always feel like I have clarity after the fact but i feel really sad realizing how many times I’ve created tension or made him feel like I don’t respect his opinions. I do respect his opinions but that’s not how it looks to him

[u/SnuSnu02]

Just break up and be single for a bit. You're 19. You don't have to have a boyfriend.

[u/Creamy_Breve]

He's a rebound who you don't get along with. This doesn't sound like it's off to the best start. Are you really the problem or is he saying jacked up shit? If you're the problem maybe you need more time to be single and focus on yourself. If he's the issue then maybe he needs more time to be single and focus on himself.

[u/give_me_your_cheeses → u/Creamy_Breve]

It’s hard to commit to being single when you don’t have great support from friends. After my last breakup my closest friend basically refused to spend any time with me and I was so alone and heartbroken. I’ve always had a hard time making friends, and all of my friends now are new, we’re not very close and we don’t spend a lot of time together. I’ve started to get comfortable around my new boyfriend’s friends and we’ve had a lot of fun together, so it would just bring a lot of uncertainty cutting myself off from him. I might just be isolated again and fail to make friends again and I don’t think that would do me any good

[u/Creamy_Breve → u/give_me_your_cheeses]

Sounds like a lot of excuses, which is far more harmful. You have to learn how to be alone, and part of that means seeking out support. Breakups aren't fun, but sticking with someone because you're afraid of being alone is a terrible reason to maintain an unsustainable relationship. It also really sucks to waste your time on someone who isn't right, trust me.

[u/kalvin126]

There is a therapy communication skill called validation. Look it up. The more both of you practice it, the more natural it can be. Just gotta work on both of y’all’s communication with one another.

[u/give_me_your_cheeses]

He is also known among his friends for being a bit argumentative and he likes debating things and sometimes it’s just that. Maybe I’m just getting overly defensive when he disagrees with me