my biggest red flag as an emotionally intelligent person

[u/Ok-Safe2795]

I’m single for 4 years and I guess my life has been rocky. But I recently went on a trip to a place with my group of friends and I decided to meet up with another group of friends who work in the trip place to catch up. They invited me to drink and decided to drop me off at a spot to where I could commute home. And it’s always the “Call me/Chat me when you get home”

I did get home safely that night but I fell asleep afterwards because I got tired from that day. I woke up with messages and missed calls from that friend asking me if I got home safely. And thats when I realized…I sucked at updating people.

It’s not just that friend, its almost everyone else. On that same trip, I can hear my friends talking about how their updating their parents and family about their trip and sending pictures, chatting and telling their partners if there’s no signal/wifi to update them. And I was just there listening to it all. I also take antidepressants so I guess my self esteem isn’t that good either.

I love my friends more than i love/care myself. My friends know me as one of the most impulsive/type b person to the point that they worry my safety. My brain doesn’t see the point of updating people because I initially thought “no one cares anyway” or in the case of my parents “i can handle myself, why do i have to tell them everything I do?”. This mindset stuck and I’ve been doing so for so long since my last relationship. I guess this recent realization really hit me because there’s still the push or pull of “do i have to tell people what i do? do they even care? what the point?”

I want to get better but I don’t know what to do. I know I’m wrong but a side of me still doesn’t see the point of updating people😓

[u/whoknowzz]

Because relationships take 2 to tango. People care for you, and sometimes we have to do things we might not regularly do to maintain a relationship, because relationships aren’t just about YOU.

[u/Duggie1330]

I dont see the point either. I also do not like receiving updates or being asked for them.

I have an internal continuity that is disrupted by people easily. When the disruption is over, i am burned out and lost, it may take some time to return to that old flow or that old flow may just be gone, and i have to focus and build up a new continuity which can take a long time and all my thought processes are dead and need to be reborn.

If i have time for friends, I take a break and end the continuity the safe way. Like clicking shut down on your computer instead of just unplugging it. Then I have intense social experiences with my friends like live texting or phone/FaceTime calls, until we are done.

When i left your house or the chill spot, me driving my car and listening to my music and puling up to my house was all building my internal continuity. Noticing the weeds I haven't pulled, checking the fridge snd realizing I don't need to visit the store for a few more days... this is all part of whatever flow im on.

And when my phone beeps its like - oh who is that? Oh its Justin. Whats he saying? Oh hes asking if i got home safe. Yeah I did. I wonder if Justin texted everyone from the function or just me. Maybe he thought I was tired. I wonder what they did after we all left? Probably cleaning up right now. Let me text him back. Yes I got home safe thanks bro. He gives a thumbs up. Its not yellow he uses his skin toned emojis. Not everyone does that. I wonder if there's a pattern between my friends who do and my friends who dont. Anyway. What was I doing?

This is like a best case scenario, usually they want you to reciprocate or they have something else to say or ask after my initial confirmation and what am I supposed to say? "Justin, I just saw you for hours. I am in the middle of forgetting you exist so I can live my own life. Can you please not contact me for a while?"

Fuck thats what I want to say but id lose all my friends if I did.

ALL OF THAT IS TO SAY--- just say "call me if anything goes wrong on your way home".

This is WAYYYY BETTER. I am not locking you in a social contract to contact me later!!!! And I am still showing you and telling you I am here for you and care about your well being even after you leave the house.

IF something does go wrong, call me! I will drive out to you and pick you up, help you fix your car, whatever we need to do to get you home safe. If nothing goes wrong, you do not need to contact me. If i said "let me know if you get home" and you dont do it? What am I gonna do? Call the police and start a search party? No. Gonna do fucking nooooothhhhhiiiiinnnngggg but be offended at you.

So WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?