Life feels empty
Im 39 years old and at this point everything feels so pointless, the only thing that brings me any happiness is my little nephew. I hang on to life out of spite mostly at this point and just the fact that i still have some family that loves me.
I cant bring myself to love myself though and outside of my family ive never felt loved be it by a close friend or a partner. I thought I did once but it turned out I was just entertainment until she moved to the real deal, now shes having her first kid with the guy that apparently was better than I was.
I drag myself to work with no drive, just moving automatically. I hate my job but with my inability to get math despite trying so many times im basically trapped in soulless production jobs that have no ability to offer any sort of fulfillment. I was told as a child in school by my teachers I would never amount to anything but atleast the world always needs grunts and unfortunately they've been all too right.
Everything just seems so pointless, seeing the misery the rich and powerful dump down on us from above on top of all these other personal issues makes everything seem so useless. Ill be trapped in a capitalist nightmare until I fall over dead.
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u/South_Hedgehog_7564 1h ago
I think you may have depression. It’s probably a lot more common than you think. I had it myself about thirty years ago. Go and see a doctor and get some treatment for it. It’ll be worth it.
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u/Huma87 1h ago
I appreciate the advice but im already on 50mg of Paxil and 300mg of welbutrin. Its difficult to find a therapist as I live in a rural area and Video therapy doesn't seem like it'd be effective.
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u/Nashi0008 47m ago
What’s stopping you from moving to a city and challenging yourself to a better life. Most depressive episodes in my life have come either from not stimulating and challenging myself enough to grow or an overstimulus from failed relationships overwork burnout. I usually need to balance the two to be at my best
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u/Business-Progress-39 1h ago
You should go to the military while you still can. I wish I wiuld have done that when I was 18.
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u/OldMarzipan9773 1h ago
Yeah, but at least you're working. And, you have things that bring you joy. Those are two things that you have that could make life fulfilling.
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u/Huma87 1h ago
My joy is my nephew, hes pretty much the only thing that brings a genuine smile to my face, tell rest of the time i feel like im wearing a mask. As for work honestly its one of the most miserable places ive ever been, surrounded by terrible people making parts for vehicles ill never be able to afford myself.
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u/johnmflores 1h ago
I don't know if it's any comfort but you're not alone. The grind and emptiness of modern life is real. The struggle to find meaning and joy is real. The world and society that we've built ain't that great at helping to answer the deeper questions of life.