r/selfimprovement • u/AgileSir9584 • 10h ago
Question I'm young and can't comprehend love since I have no experience
Whenver I Imagine the perfect partner, it's almost like i'm imagining a female version of myself, of course it's only myself when i'm not on my self-hating episodes. Someone who is fit, has the same values, the same ambitions, the same interests and hobbies; Minus the negative things of myself/my personality But that person doesn't exist, because people can't be perfect, meaning that the perfect partner can't exist. No matter how hard you try. And so I am left wondering: So there is no love? Yet I still develop crushes, yet I still fantasize about romance. Then perhaps, there is a difference between being attracted to someone and loving someone? Attraction is instinctual, you see a person of the other gender, and your instincts tell you that this is a ""good"" mate to have kids with. But humans were born with a brain, and so: Can a human be attracted to someone yet still not love them? Our brain maybe made it worse, since it introduced the factor of beauty. If a person doesn't confide with the "exceptionnally high" beauty standards of this world, while also having a ""playful"" personality; Then that person drops down tiers in the love ladder, with both sides at the bottom hating eachother because they think they "deserve" someone better. My biggest issue is that i've been told for a long time that attraction = Love, that crushes = Soulmates, yet if my standards are so low to have a crush on any girl I meet, does it mean that I actually love? I've tried to avoid social media, yet i've been pulled into this game of "rating eachother based on a /10 scale" or the usual "If you don't ruin your looks and turn your personality into something you aren't, then you won't get laid" type of game. At the end, i'm still young enough not to know the answers, I just want to know: "How can you love someone if they're not flawless ?"
Thank for reading through all of this
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u/awfromtexas 9h ago
There’s a lot to impact there, but I think you’re already on the right track. All of those things are distinct. They are not all one thing. Keep explaining that to yourself and you’ll get it.
The only hint I’ll give you is instead of thinking “what would a perfect mate be like” think instead “how would a perfect mate interact with me and I with them?” If we’re angry, how do we fight? How committed are we to each other? If we like each other, how do we show it? How does the other person receive it? What’s important to them and not important to me? These things are much more important than what kind of person they are right now because who they are will change, what is important to you and them will change. How you treat each other, your commitment to each other no matter what, and the trust that develops can become a constant though.
Of course, that means that you gotta become a person who doesn’t hate yourself. Why would this girl wanna be with you if you can’t treat her well because you’re so busy hating yourself? That’s the harder part. Took me 35 years to figure that part out, bud. GL.
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u/AgileSir9584 5h ago
He interactions are based on the way I would like to interact with myself. It's strange, if I end up in a contradiction or for this scenario an argument, I imagine it to be taken slowly and thoughfully, yet I still manage to go on rants about how awful I am Only this year have I started to think all about this romance stuff, I feel like I had some kind of late puberty or something like that
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u/lesupermark 8h ago
Media and viewing others will warp your experience and feed you bad ideas... Sadly there isn't much to protect you from that. And many people will encourage you to take your time.
I remember a few friends who swore that they must only have one partner, the perfect one right at first... And years down the line they completely changed their tone thanks to some experience. They are happily with partners or with some experience.
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u/Flaky-Ninja2398 8h ago
Babes it's not that intellectual - love is just something you feel
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u/AgileSir9584 5h ago
I was told that first, but I realised I practically felt "love" for everyone. If I love everyone, then do I truly love ?
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u/Flaky-Ninja2398 5h ago
That's wonderful, I think we all try to approach people with a spirit of love. But being in love romantically feels completely different, at least to me personally. Think about how something that in most contexts wouldn't make someone nervous might if they're in the presence of someone they have a crush on. Or how people will often hurt others if it means protecting their loved ones. There's a level where familial and romantic love often is stronger than platonic love.
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u/Flaky-Ninja2398 5h ago edited 5h ago
Like, realistically you can't be passionately romantically in love with everyone. I'm no expert but I'd imagine you're labling normal feelings of friendly affection as something more? It's also possible you just don't really feel romantic love strongly - which is totally fine
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u/AgileSir9584 5h ago
I mean I can Daydream about almost any girl that talks or interact with me It's only this year that I managed to round it up to 2. Also to reply to your other comment, well when I am talking to my crushes , I don't feel nervous at all, I even feel like I flirt sometimes, though I wouldn't consider basic compliments to be flirting. I've never experienced a romantic experience so maybe that is why ?
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u/Flaky-Ninja2398 5h ago
Are you young? This may just be something that comes with time - which I know is frustrating but that also means you'll never know until you know
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u/WhoppingDaphna 8h ago
yo i feel you on the whole wanting a mini-me thing, it's so relatable
but yeah, nobody's perfect, including partners, and that's kinda the whole point of relationships imo
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u/steakcookest 6h ago
Yes, you can love someone if they’re not flawless.
Your qualities will complement and even compensate for theirs. And they will love you for your flaws.
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u/AgileSir9584 5h ago
Ok but for example, let's imagine that I managed to meet the perfect girl, then one day I find out she has a smoking addiction (I hate both smokers and smoking). Is it ethical to stop loving that person ? And if you continue to love then how do you live with that ? How do you even bring that up as an issue without sounding like a jerk (to them)?
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u/Lost-Engine-6384 9h ago
you're overthinking this into the ground
love isn't about finding your clone or someone flawless, it's about finding someone whose flaws you can stand and who can stand yours. you don't fall for a checklist, you fall for how they make you feel when you're around them
the whole rating scale thing is just noise from people who haven't figured it out either