r/stopdrinking • u/candle-face Day 6 • 15h ago
I blacked out for 2 weeks
After 5 months of not drinking, everything finally got so good. I finally got a place of my own, I had a full time job with tons of overtime. I felt like I could handle it. When I finally picked up the bottle again I completely blacked out for 2 weeks straight. I called out of work and the crazy part is that they were willing to work with me as long as I kept checking in. I was too drunk to remember. My husband tells me that he tried to get me to go back to work and I flat out said no, that I shouldn’t have to work. We ran out of money, right before rent was due so now we’re scrambling to make ends meet. Bless his heart he tells me that everything will be okay because I always bounce back but obviously I can’t ever touch the shit again. I fucking cut off all of my hair and don’t remember it. I even tried to stop cold turkey and for the first time had visual and audible hallucinations. The thing I remember most vividly about that experience was how the voices were so fucking mean and vile. I just remember walking around my house trying to stay awake because I knew the nightmares were coming and I wasn’t used to them like I was when I drank for 4 years straight. My mind couldn’t handle it. So I stayed awake and eventually when I went to sleep I felt my heartbeat slow down and woke up coughing and gagging. I literally felt my pulse rising as I regained consciousness. I’ve hit rock bottom. Again. And this time I have everything to lose. The only thing keeping me going is my amazing husband. He’s been here pretty much throughout the worst of everything I’ve been through in my adult life. And I deeply feel like I don’t deserve him. But he tells me it’s just a disease. He knows it’s not me. The anxiety of all of this is eating me alive. I feel like I’ve officially fried my brain and I can’t get out of this. I’m sorry for the rant I just wanted some place to vent. This is extremely eye opening. Nothing like I’ve ever known before. This is it. It has to stop.
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u/Weird_anne 14h ago
Iwndwyt. Just focus on not drinking for today. The anxiety will pass and you’ll feel better. Keep pushing. I believe in you 🤗❤️
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u/candle-face Day 6 14h ago
Just waiting to feel like myself again. Thank you. Iwndwyt ❤️
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u/False-Hat9436 1197 days 13h ago
Hoping you feel better soon. What an incredibly supportive husband you have. I’m glad you have him to help you through this.
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u/candle-face Day 6 13h ago
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so grateful for him everyday if nothing else.
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u/Acidic_Paradise Day 16 13h ago
I believe in you my friend! Shout out to supportive partners, I wouldn’t be alive without the love of my life. Should’ve lost her multiple times, but she is an absolute saint.
IWNDWYT, we got this ✊
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u/candle-face Day 6 13h ago
Thank you so much. And yes I really don’t feel like I deserve him but he sees something in me that I lost sight of in the last 2 weeks and is doing everything to help me get back to being me. They really are angels. IWNDWYT
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u/Dangerous-Vehicle611 Day 8 12h ago
I was such a crazy party animal last year & giving up drinking resulted in nightmares... poor sleep... anxiety I've never felt before in my life due to my self medicating (with alcohol) but truly alcohol makes our anxiety wayyyyyyy worse. Trust me the next 10 days are going to be brutal but sooo worth it. Hang in there stranger
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u/Appropriate-Scar894 815 days 12h ago edited 3h ago
Rock bottom has a silver lining. It’s nice to wake up having fucked up enough to finally rid yourself of it. I made a huge fool of myself for a week straight and was humiliated. Swore I’d never drink again and EVERYONE laughed at me. I meant what I said, but I think I keep going out of spite sometimes too, lol. Reach out if you need an ear. Good luck! You can do this. I did.
Edit: spelling.
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u/CountOnBeingAwesome Day 229 11h ago
Accepting that you can never drink again is a huge hurdle towards sobriety. You've had a taste of how good it can be and you can get there again.
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u/candle-face Day 6 14h ago
I tried doctors for sleep but I have no insurance and the medicine cost in my area is crazy. Slowly trying to get my sleep schedule back. Thankfully I’m not having nightmares anymore but just really vivid mostly sad dreams
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u/stopdrinking-ModTeam 11h ago
Please remember to speak from the ‘I’ when participating in this sub. This rule is explained in more detail in our community guidelines. Thank you.
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u/mactigerrr 7h ago
Every time I ever had the audio hallucinations it was like you said. It was voices I knew, like my husband or my parents, saying the most vile and mean things to me imaginable. Like confirming my worst fears. It was so real and so loud. One time I kept waking my husband up and and asking him why he was saying such mean things to me. Poor thing couldn't get any sleep if I was trying to sleep because I was in nightmare city.
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u/candle-face Day 6 5h ago
My honey works night shift so I was essentially alone in the night throughout all of this and would be terrified when he came home after I’ve been up all night seeing shadows, him in the kitchen, and hearing his voice all night. Horrifying time.
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u/slackerhauk 10h ago
I too have thought I was in control and had a couple cold ones but it always leads to same place. I do not control alcohol; it controls me. Quitting for good is the way.
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u/candle-face Day 6 14h ago
Where did I remove myself from accountability?
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u/Whole_Mix1314 13h ago
I think they mean it the sense of he knows it’s not “her” making these choices but alcohol influenced choices. You know we are not “us” when we are drunk.
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u/stopdrinking-ModTeam 11h ago
Please remember to speak from the ‘I’ when participating in this sub. This rule is explained in more detail in our community guidelines. Thank you.
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u/stopdrinking-ModTeam 11h ago
Please remember to speak from the ‘I’ when participating in this sub. This rule is explained in more detail in our community guidelines. Thank you.
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13h ago
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u/stopdrinking-ModTeam 11h ago
Please remember to speak from the ‘I’ when participating in this sub. This rule is explained in more detail in our community guidelines. Thank you.
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u/Ok_Speed4929 Day 3 7h ago
My story is very similar to yours.Thought I had everything under control, working like a boss, supportive partner and blackouts.
Are you just now on day 1?
I’m going to inpatient rehab next eeek for 30 days because I cannot stop drinking.
Let’s turn our lives around sister. You’ve got this! 💕
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u/candle-face Day 6 5h ago
It’s been almost a week now but the anxiety lingers like crazy. I wish I could go to rehab but just don’t have the funds unfortunately :/ but I hope you thrive and let’s get through this one day at a time!
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u/SnortinSushi 702 days 13h ago
Its great you have a supportive partner. I did as well but after years it was hard for her to forget the bad shit and we eventually split. Dont end up like me. Choose the good life. I have had zero big regrets in almost 2 years of sobriety, but thousands from drinking.
IWNDWYT! You got this!